Is this Normal?

[Tressugar]

Why do I feel weird about my husband's step children trying now to connect with him after his and ex wife's divorce. They were married for all of two years! They have been separated a year and a half before she filed for divorce. He shares a son with his ex wife. Their divorce was an ugly one. She's refuses to let him see the son that they have together, but now is allowing his former step children to communicate with him.

 

He welcomes the contact because he feels that's one way to check on his son's welfare because the judge will not honor the child visitation contempt orders.

 

Is this normal among blended/ step families?

[Radu]

Why do I feel weird about my husband's step children trying now to connect with him after his and ex wife's divorce. They were married for all of two years! They have been separated a year and a half before she filed for divorce. He shares a son with his ex wife. Their divorce was an ugly one. She's refuses to let him see the son that they have together, but now is allowing his former step children to communicate with him.

She does not allow the son to have a relationship with him because :

- it's an asset [the relationship] that she can milk

- the step children are probably older and are not blood, their real fathers have already been alienated or just plain left ... this can only help her

- because she probably likes to see him suffer

- if she dissalowed all contact, she would look worse in front of the judge than if she allowed some contact and gave some reason ... she is buying time

 

He welcomes the contact because he feels that's one way to check on his son's welfare because the judge will not honor the child visitation contempt orders.

 

Is this normal among blended/ step families?

The judge will not honor them because traditionally the woman gets the child, but the judge [generally] has the best interests of the minor at heart.

He should continue trying to establish contact with his son, document it as much as possible, get positive stuff from ppl who know him, enquire with doctors about his development and about the development of his step-children.

Basically the judge goes off the ideea that the child's interests are primary, and that biologically and naturally, the woman is best at raising him.

If he can prove with time that he can do this, that he is responsible, that he does a better job than she can, and that she is both bad for his son's upbringing and overall a bad mother [would help if she had some demons in the closet like alcohol/drugs], he will eventually get the son.

But it will be an uphill battle, and if he won't get him, at least he will have done all humanly possible to get him. And this stuff might help him when his son is grown up and he is trying to establish a link to him.

 

Either way, he needs to play long term.

[Tressugar]

Radu,

 

Thank you for your reply.

 

Yes you are right about the former step children ages. They are older. Both of them are 10 years of age (twins) and his son is about to be 2 years old. The former step children's father was murdered, speculated by the mother, yes my husband's ex wife! So my husband's former step children does not have a male figure in their life, unless you count the men that come through her revolving door.

 

It's unfortunate but it is a fact that most court judges believe children are better off living with their mother.

 

In my husband's ex wife's case, I will go further and say that it doesn't matter the mother's past criminal history, CPS open cases or run ins with the law. Hands down she will be awarded custody.

 

After a long discussion with my husband, I decided that it would be best for him to have contact with his former stepchildren to see how his son is doing. The courts are not going to fine or throw her in jail for contempt of child visitation, so this is the next best thing to see if his child is still alive. My husband believes that his former step children will tell him the truth about his son's welfare.

[turnera]

The kids are contacting him because they can tell he's a good man, and they NEED that in their lives. He may be the only blessing they have in their lives, if it's ok with you that he stay in contact with them.

[Radu]

The kids are contacting him because they can tell he's a good man, and they NEED that in their lives. He may be the only blessing they have in their lives, if it's ok with you that he stay in contact with them.

 

Also, because their mother suggested them to do this.

 

OP, don't mind me asking but ... what kind of a country do you live in if this woman is suspected of killing her former husband, breaking the law repeatedly and still gets the child ?

Is the judge male or female ?

What did your lawyer tell you ?; is the judge even more pro-woman than they normally are ?

 

Honestly, in most of the western world and even in all countries but the muslim/asian ones, the woman will almost always get the kids [and in places like Canada ... you are literally screwed if you are the guy].

But there is a limit, the interests of the minor are [or should be] above the interests of the father/mother.

 

I know of several cases where women have tried and still do try to do parental alienation to the father.

It's unfortunate but it happens.

The best way to fight this is with constant, neverending resolve.

To not give them anything that they can use against you.

And if their presence becomes a positive factor in the child's life, the child after a certain age can influence the judge's position on this.

In the case of your husband's stepchildren, i think they are too young to have developed themselves as teenagers [though it is in fact a possibility].

Usually, in the case of teenagers, at about 12-13 they get into conflict with their parents because they stop being mirrors of their parents and start thinking for themselves.

A parent like your husband's ex might not be very happy with this one, she may want little avatars.

 

PS: In the case of the twins, girls are more likely to go into conflict with the mother than boys.

Being twins also means they are a little less subject to manipulations.

Edited March 27, 2013 by Radu

[Tressugar]

...", don't mind me asking but ... what kind of a country do you live in if this woman is suspected of killing her former husband, breaking the law repeatedly and still gets the child ? "

 

I live right here in the good old USA. The judge is male. Although he ruled in the ex wife's favor in terms of child custody, he empathize with my husband and directly spoke to him during out the hearing. He said that he will hear the case in 6 months to review a possible joint custody. Six months will be in the month of May or June. We did not have the money to hire an attorney before, but we have been blessed with money now. We are in the process of looking for a good attorney for father's rights.

 

My husband did initially speak to a prospective attorney and the attorney did advise him that his custody issue seems to be an open and shut case. Meaning my husband will possibly be awarded joint custody, at best full custody because of the ex wife's criminal priors and her current practice of parental alienation.

 

My husband, once again, at his ex wife's urging had set up to see his son along with his former stepchild at the park the other day. Once again, she starts a fight and a verbal confrontation at the park. She has all the character traits of someone with BPD & Bipolar. My line of work is in a mental health. This is not new folks every time when it comes to him seeing his son the police are called and get involved! Fortunately the people at the park minded their own business and did not call the police.

 

My husband walks away out of embarassment and she started running after him begging him to give her another chance. What does he do? Like a fool he gives her a second chance. She starts becoming agitated and start screaming to the top of her lungs. All because he said he wanted custody of his son.

 

Now for the telling part in all of this regarding his former stepchildren. When he got up to leave for the second time his former stepchildren came running behind him. The twin girl voiced she wanted to leave with my husband as she was carrying her baby brother. Needless to say that set the mother off for the third time of her screaming at this time her children.

 

I have to agree with you the girl twin is showing her independence of not wanting to live with her mother. She is the caregiver of my husband's son. The boy twin, I believe is slower at grasping the reality of things, he could care less where he lives as long as he's with his twin sister and his baby brother.

 

Since that day in the park, she has called him repeatedly from blocked numbers at 2 o'clock in the morning and leaving him nasty text messages.

 

I'm excited to put an end to all of this fiasco. We are in the process of retaining an attorney. Of course we are not going to let her know. She'll find out soon enough. But I am expecting a nasty backlash from her regarding my husband and I taking the legal route in terms of hiring a family law attorney.

Edited April 2, 2013 by Tressugar

[turnera]

Get a spiral notebook and start a timeline in it of all incidents with her, all cases of abandonment, all cases of screaming at the kids, the kids wanting to come home with you, etc. It may or may not be beneficial in court. But it can show a long-running issue with her.