SunsetRed Posted March 24, 2013 Share Posted March 24, 2013 Well, I finally did it. After 3 years of heartache and trying one online date after another, I finally met someone I can feel good about dating. I honestly like him and want to b with him and I'm not just trying to fill the void that MM left. We really connected and his dating style is exactly what I need. I can date him without getting too close too soon. Here's the problem or should I say pattern. He's newly separated. He's 2 months out of a 30 year marriage! I met him online and figured what the heck, its just dinner and it gets me off facebook and out of the house. Getting out of the house is healthy, so I went on the date and didn't expect it to go so well. Now its only a week of knowing him, but I can feel that we have the kind of connection that will make a relationship work. But what is is w me and separated men? I really think I like that they are unable to currently marry me. I had a horrible abusive marriage in my 20s. Im lucky to be alive and don't really want to be married again, so maybe that's why I subconsciously choose men who cant marry me. After being w these men for some time though, my guard comes down and then I do want them and then things go the way they usually go w separated not divorced still married men. So, this relationship is new enough that I can change the game plan and only see him sporadically and no matter how much I like him, im going to be open to dating other men. I can actually use the not divorced thing to my advantage (which may b something else I like about separated men) in that if he pushes for things im not up for, I'll just say Well you're not divorced yet, I cant do x y z unless youre divorced. well, im just venting but I cant believe im doing this again..getting involved a another separated man, or that my next relationship after xMM, a formerly "separated man" is w another separated man! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 24, 2013 Share Posted March 24, 2013 2 months separated is not long at all. Anything can still happen and he can go back home to his wife, depending on the reasons why they are separated. Shield your heart. Don't get close to him or have any expectations, keep it light and do not take it to an intimate level. Just because you don't want to ever get married again doesn't mean you should date unattainable men or newly separated men. You can still date single guys too. Not all men are looking to settle down and get married, there are plenty just happy enough having a R and enjoying life. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy fields Posted March 24, 2013 Share Posted March 24, 2013 You can tell after a week that he is relationship material? What convinced you of that? The fact that he is essentially unavailable, or the fact that you know little to nothing about him? Slow your roll, sister. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Decorative Posted March 24, 2013 Share Posted March 24, 2013 Sorry to be a downer- but has he shown you proof of separation? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Catplates Posted March 24, 2013 Share Posted March 24, 2013 Sunset, exGentle Girl here. I remember your story well. I have had a couple of relationships since the A. I have one GOLDEN RULE... never date a man who is attached in any way. It is setting your self up for more heart ache. There's the wife, the kids, the finances, the grieving for the marriage and the ongoing entanglements. Besides, what if he decides a bit later on that he will just wander back to his wife???? Just some thoughts.. I don't mean to squash your enthusiasm but they are aspects to be carefully considered. Warm wishes, Cat 2 Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted March 24, 2013 Share Posted March 24, 2013 Two months out of a 30-year-marriage is not really separated. There's still too much to figure out. Are you sure you want to do this to yourself? Please protect your heart. Remember all of the pain of the last time and decide now, before you really care, if the risks here are worth it. Hugs. It's so hard to be lonely. But lonely with a whole heart is so much better than lonely with a bunch of pieces. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SunsetRed Posted March 25, 2013 Author Share Posted March 25, 2013 Thanks for all the love and advice! I'm glad there are still people on here who remember the saga of my pain. I'm so early into this that I can easily set boundaries and I will. I'm thinking of that AA poem about the hole and eventually the healthy person just walks the other way and avoids the hole. Well, I actually have kind of already stepped my foot into this hole but I plan to step out of it. Separated men are much less threatening than single guys and this lack of threat eventually makes me open up and feel closer to them and then BAM, the doo doo hits the fan. I am cherishing every bit of advice I received on here and I'm using it to good. I refuse to come back to this board crushed because I relied on a Married Man to get me over the break up hump of xMM! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 If I had a dollar for every separated man who went back to his wife, I'd be so rich I'd never have to work again Your quote on another thread! Just sayin'! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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