i hurt my daughter so much and it makes me cry!

[connie]

my daughter wants to move in with her friend her husband and their two kids and my two month old grandson. i was all for it and wished her well (sorta).

 

until today, i took some formula over for her and smelled the distinct smell of pot. i laid into my daughter when i got back home and said some extremely hurtful things and made her cry.

 

i told her that she didn't deserve a baby and neither did her friend cause they are too selfish and think about themselves only and that is why they smoke that crap around the kids.

 

she told me that that was messed up to say cause she loves her son. i told her is she did she would not want to raise him in that environment. now were not speaking. i know she can't wait to move out and be on her own, but this situation isn't right for her son, my grandson and their kids either.

 

what can i do? i don't want to get family services involved, and i don't want to hurt my daughter with such hurtful remarks but i couldn't shut up, now we both cried and i feel so bad, i don't know what to say to her now.

 

help, please! desperate!

[Paulie]

You are RIGHT!!!!

 

You, as a responsible mother, SHOULD say something here. God forbid the poor baby get's high on that crap!

 

I would have laid into your daughter as well. The fact that that baby smells like it says that it was much more than likely exposed to the pot enough to have affected him, which is absolutely sickening to me.

 

You've made your point, now butt out. It's her child, and ultimately it's her responsibility.

 

But I hope she doesn't look for sympathy from me if this kid turns out less than desirably due to her wanton disregard of any kind of parental decency.

[Tony T]

You should apologize to your daughter and then stay out of her life.....O - U - T !!!!!

 

You had plenty of years to raise your daughter to make sound and proper decisions. She is an adult now with a child and you have no legal or moral right to interfere in her life, beyond loving her and wishing her well. If she asks for your advice by all means give it...in a kind and positive way.

 

Now, if you must give her your two cents of advice when it is unsolicited, give it in a constructive and supportive way and offer workable alternatives. In this case, you could have told her you smelled marijuana at her place and you knew that would make her uncomfortable with the baby, etc. and told her she was welcome to come back home until she could make other living arrangements. There was no need to chew her out. Then it would have been up to her to make her own decision.

 

Again, you had your chance. Your daughter is a product of the job you did raising her. Now it's up to her to live her own life and either you have to accept that or you can drive yourself absolutely nuts trying to control her...and totally drive her away from you in the process.

[connie]

well i did finally apologize to my daughter, but what was wierd is she apologized as well and i told her she didn't have anything to apologize about.

 

she reassured me she smokes it herself but very little and they smoke it in another room. i know my daughter can't wait to move out with these people. she will find out dec 18th if they can get this place together or not.

 

the fact that she wants out sooooo bad tells me that i have already driven her away, yet when she needs to she still comes to me, like with female problems, health problems, etc.

 

i never intended to push her away, i'm good at it, i do it to my boyfriend as well. they are both better off without me in their lives since i can't seem to keep my mouth shut!

 

any adive, besides using packaging tape on my mouth? i hurt so much for hurting my daughter and i know i raised her with alot of good morals and common sense, that is why this blows my own mind.

 

i feel the need to make it all up to her, the hurtful things that she said, maybe i'll get her something extra, extra special for xmas. i don't approve at all of the people she wants to live with, it is her best friend that she has ever had and they are so very close, i don't want to tear them apart either. oh what can i do?

You should apologize to your daughter and then stay out of her life.....O - U - T !!!!!

 

You had plenty of years to raise your daughter to make sound and proper decisions. She is an adult now with a child and you have no legal or moral right to interfere in her life, beyond loving her and wishing her well. If she asks for your advice by all means give it...in a kind and positive way. Now, if you must give her your two cents of advice when it is unsolicited, give it in a constructive and supportive way and offer workable alternatives. In this case, you could have told her you smelled marijuana at her place and you knew that would make her uncomfortable with the baby, etc. and told her she was welcome to come back home until she could make other living arrangements. There was no need to chew her out. Then it would have been up to her to make her own decision.

 

Again, you had your chance. Your daughter is a product of the job you did raising her. Now it's up to her to live her own life and either you have to accept that or you can drive yourself absolutely nuts trying to control her...and totally drive her away from you in the process.

[Paulie]

Don't buy her something extra special for Christmas...no matter the situation, you CANNOT buy someone's love.

 

I suspect that you may be overreacting about the situation, although I can't be certain. Take this, and learn from it, and lovingly put it behind you.

 

And Merry Christmas.

[Ed]

I think you did the right thing by saying something to her about this situation. Maybe you threw in some low blows along the way, but it was a very emotional exchange. It's easy to say some very harmful things in an arguement like that one.

 

Try not to be too hard on yourself for the things that were said. You had every right to be upset. You do not have to agree with the decisions your daughter makes regarding her child. In this particular situation, you will have a lot of support. But, all the support in the world will not change your daughter's mind. She will have to see the errors of her ways on her own. Getting angry with her will not make that happen.

 

Just make sure she knows that you love her and your grandchild and that you are very concerned about the welfare of both of them.

[connie (thank you)]

thank you all for such wonderful advice. maybe now that she knows i know she'll at least think about it. if i didn't love her so much i would not care. maybe i needed a wake up call for me to get control of my own life before i really alienate her from me.

 

i guess the best thing i can do for her is to be there for her and not push her away like i've been doing. thank you all once again, and all have a very merry christmas!

I think you did the right thing by saying something to her about this situation. Maybe you threw in some low blows along the way, but it was a very emotional exchange. It's easy to say some very harmful things in an arguement like that one. Try not to be too hard on yourself for the things that were said. You had every right to be upset. You do not have to agree with the decisions your daughter makes regarding her child. In this particular situation, you will have a lot of support. But, all the support in the world will not change your daughter's mind. She will have to see the errors of her ways on her own. Getting angry with her will not make that happen. Just make sure she knows that you love her and your grandchild and that you are very concerned about the welfare of both of them.

[kimmi]

my daughter wants to move in with her friend her husband and their two kids and my two month old grandson. i was all for it and wished her well (sorta). until today, i took some formula over for her and smelled the distinct smell of pot. i laid into my daughter when i got back home and said some extremely hurtful things and made her cry.

 

i told her that she didn't deserve a baby and neither did her friend cause they are too selfish and think about themselves only and that is why they smoke that crap around the kids. she told me that that was messed up to say cause she loves her son. i told her is she did she would not want to raise him in that environment. now were not speaking. i know she can't wait to move out and be on her own, but this situation isn't right for her son, my grandson and their kids either. what can i do? i don't want to get family services involved, and i don't want to hurt my daughter with such hurtful remarks but i couldn't shut up, now we both cried and i feel so bad, i don't know what to say to her now. help, please! desperate!

i think that you did the right thing by speaking your mind, you do have the right to say that. you stood you for a infant that can not speak. to many kids these dayus live with parents that do not respect them, they think only of themselves not the harm that it puts on the child. i work with people all day that do drugs, some of these people are having kids, some already had them and they only think of the high, not the effect. i am into harm re duction big time. this is harmful on the baby !!!!! WAY TO GO YOU STOOD UP FOR SOMEONE THAT CAN NOT EVEN WALK YET...

 

kimmi