Abuser that busted the Love Bank

[twistedtexan]

Wife of 4 years says "she no longer loves me in that way".

 

We dated/lived together for 8 years prior to being married. We wanted to be sure it would last forever. Now she's asking that we separate because she feels trapped and wants out. I love this woman immensely, she's everything I want in a woman and to me has very few flaws.

 

This has blind-sided me, had no idea it was coming. Over the past couple of weeks I sensed something was wrong. She was increasingly distant and unemotionally, had really turned me "off". About a month ago I called her a f$@n bitch for taking a drink away from me at a party cause I was drunk. Its really been a continuos cycle of verbal abuse for all of the years though. I must break the cycle!

 

I now realize that I have taken my wife for granted for a long time now and havent deposited enough units into the Love Bank, yet I've continually depleted units by being verbally abusive and not meeting her EN.

 

I honestly want to change, have sought out a therapist, and am actively doing all I can to learn more about what I can do to become a better man/husband and salvage our marriage. However my SO wants no part of this as apparently the Love Bank is bust.

 

I started using the McDonald theory of setting her free, by agreeing with her wants and being the nicest I can be. She is still crying/distant/no touching all the time and wants "space". We cant afford an apartment and a mortgage so she wants us to sell the house. Either that or for me to move in with my mother for a while until she can "work some things out". So I agreed to move out this weekend still applying the McD theory. But Im a 33 yr old man, what the hell am I moving back in with Mom for?

 

Am I doing the right thing? I dont want to lose her - she's honestly the best thing that has ever happened to me and is a wonderful and caring woman. I could NOT do better. Thankfully we have no children. Any advice?

[Taken_Angel]

You need to show her with your actions that you're changing, STOP drinking (obviously that's an issue) figure out WHY you treated her the way you did. Ask her if you two can still "see each other" even though you're married. That way she gets to see you're changing, that you still do love her, but that you're willing to give her the space she needs.

 

Also don't bully or threaten her or make her feel "obligated" to make your marriage work, take it from a woman, the best thing you can do is change yourself and show her slowly that's things are getting better and that you love her and don't want to lose her. Just DON'T drink or call her names (assuming these are the main issues).

[moimeme]

How is it that someone can abuse someone else for eight years or more and then, when the other person finally has it up to here (far longer than it would take me), the abuser finally wises up and thinks they can be forgiven?

 

Would YOU forgive someone who abused you for EIGHT YEARS??????? I bet not one bit. You'll be one of the luckiest men alive if she takes you back but I think you blew it, bub. Yes, get yourself fixed but do it for yourself and for the next lady because I doubt you can keep this one.

[Merin]

8 Years is a long time for your wife to have endured being talked to this way and treated this way.

 

The ''theory" of giving her what she want and going along with what she says for "right now" isn't going to get it done, because it lacks sincerity.

 

It is unfortunate that it took her to want out and mean it for you to have been jolted into reality.

 

While it's great that you can see you have a problem and are working on making things better, you cannot give her back the time she has spent being abused and taken for granted, that is time wasted and gone for good.

 

As someone who has been called not so nice names from a man I loved with all my heart and soul and gave everything to in the hope of getting some return in my "love bank" I can tell you that it is those words that stay with a person forever.

 

I wouldn't blame your wife if she didn't want to try again, because i'm sure in her mind she has been trying for a long time.

 

I hope you will get the help you need to fix you, and I hope that times heals your wife.

[twistedtexan]

Thank you for the responses. I understand your indignation regarding the treatment of my SO over the years. Like many other posts on here I've read, its unfortunate that many of us guys really have to be kicked in the crotch before we begin to understand that we are failing to meet our spouses EN or taking them for granted.

 

I too feel I would be the luckiest guy in the world if I was able to avert this somehow. I moved out and everything about it seemed wrong. There are just so many factors that have affected our lives over the past year that I cant help but believe have contributed: Her brother has been living with us since Feb, so to talk we have to go to our bedroom for privacy. She is extremely overworked at her engineering job. And her best friends just left for a year long rock climbing vacation. (She screwed up a $25K design last week and told her boss "you should just fire me so I can become a prof rock climber, cause Im a better rock climber anyway.") Plus theres always some financial stress.

 

I think these are some of the reasons she feels trapped. She looks at her life and wonders how she got to this point and wishes that she had taken a dif path. Not 2-3 months ago we went off of BC and were trying to have a baby. Then last month the 180.

 

She wont go to counseling either. Here's her last correspondence to me:

 

Hi,

How are you? I want you to know that this is all very hard for me. At times, I want to make it all better for you, but right now I am trying to do the right thing for me. I hate to see you hurting.

 

Should I reply? If so, just act strong and play like all is OK? Its not and Im deeply depressed, it is tearing a whole family apart. But as I said I want to do the right thing. Whatever it takes!

 

Happy talk, small talk only?

[Merin]

Why not reply and tell her what you've said here?

 

That you don't know why it took this for you to realize what a lucky guy you are to have had her in your life.

 

Tell her that you're sorry (if you are be sincere) that you've hurt her and put the both of you through all of this.

 

Let her know that you want her to do the right thing for herself, regardless of what that is (and mean it!)

 

Life as you're finding out is to short to play mind games, or say things you don't mean........

[YellowLioness]

Your wife is a very caring person. You should return the favor by letting her heal herself. You shoudl tell her that she needs to do whatever she can to try to recouperate, and you should tell her that you'll be there for her no matter what she wants to do.

 

No matter how much you are hurting (and if you have any kind of a soul, you are hurting for harming another person so badly and for so long) she is what is important now.

 

Why do you want her back, anyway? Why not let her find a better man?

[SoleMate]

...I called her a f$@n bitch for taking a drink away from me at a party....

No. Please tell me you didn't say this.

 

...cause I was drunk.

Oh, it's OK then. Jack Daniel's fault, not yours. Jack made you do it.

 

You probably can't get this woman back, and I honestly hope you don't have any other woman in your life to hurt and mistreat. Please 1) stop drinking, and 2) even more so, stop using your drinking as an excuse for your rotten behavior. Hey, I've seen plenty of people so drunk they couldn't walk straight, and they STILL have limits on their behavior.

 

Praise the Lord you only hurt her with your words. I don't want to hear about another woman upping the statistics in the ER with a broken nose or missing teeth.

[blondiebaby]

For starters I think it is a good thing you made the choice of therapy. That just shows that you are more of man then most men who are abusers. I think you are also doing the right thing by giveing your wife space. She may in the end forgive you. But you have to brake the pattern of abuse and do it now.

[twistedtexan]

Thanks all - heres the update:

 

Wife says she want a quick/inexpensive divorce. In no uncertain terms will there ever be romantic relations between us again. She thinks she can do better, and feels very strongly that she was not going on the right path with me.

 

I have found out that there is an OM involved as she has spent over 300 minutes on her cell phone talking to him in the past month. I believe that when we left over Labor Day she probably cheated on me w/him. When she returned felt quilty and thus the hurried and irrational behavior and quick response for an immediate divorce. Guess I shouldnt have been so trusting of her.

 

I am still coming to terms with the great loss I feel. But I have continued my therapy and work to become a better man. This is all I can do. Get busy living. I am now entering the anger phase of my grieving process, which doesnt really feel all that healthy although Im told it is quite necessary. I try to not let it dominate my emotions, but I have such wild swings that I often seem/feel very irrational. There is still huge pain in my heart.

 

The Ex- has liquidated some of our assets and refuses to give me half of the funds until I sign her divorce papers, so this is quite frustrating. In the meantime I am stuck with a mortgage and two roomates - one of which is her brother(he's a good kid & friend to me though). All she does is climb, climb, climb. I guess I should be happy for her, but It makes me so angry knowing that she is having sex with this guy that I know and trusted.

 

Divorce Sux.

 

~T

[Weird]

Moral of the story everyone can see:

 

-treat your partner the way you would want to be treated

 

-realize being with your partner and having their love isn't a right but a privelege so treat them accordingly

 

-don't drink...well, maybe the occasional drink here and there but dont get drunk all the time

 

-don't take out stress on your partner especially when it is stress from others. The logic of people who bitch at their loved one when other stuff in their life is pissing them off just amazes me. You should see your partner as a person who will amke things better rather than take it out on them. They are your comfort zone. They want you to feel better.

 

-don't be shocked when your partner has enough of being verbally/emotionally absued and just wants to end things as easy as they can.

 

-don't be shocked if your partner finds another person if you are treating them like crap.

 

 

Any other ones to list?

[Weird]

Guess I shouldnt have been so trusting of her.

 

Guess she shouldnt have been so trusting for the last 8 years that her husband who apparently loves her wouldn't verbally and emotionally abuse her.

[Ladyjane14]

Sorry it went that way. I know it's gotta be rough. You've admitted to being verbally abusive in the relationship and by getting help for it, I think you're really OWNING your mistakes. Keep up with that. You'll heal much faster, I think, by working on yourself. And you'll be a better man for it in your next relationship.

 

In the meantime, while you're going through your "anger phase", try really hard to guage your actions by viewing them through the eyes of the man that you WANT to be. It may be difficult, but I think you'll be proud of yourself down the road for any graciousness that you show now.