He told me to forget about him, and now he is M.I.A.

[ana0pera]

Things were looking up for us but then I had a breakdown because everything going on in my life and I took it out on him. He wasn't prepared for it and honestly it wasn't completely fair of me either. We had a really bad argument and I acted completely out of character (I've started medicine that had a really bad impact on my mood). He basically told me to forget about him if that is what I want (I don't want that) and he proceeded to ignore me as I had a meltdown, and told me to calm down etc. Well a week has passed and no word from him and when I asked if he wanted me to forget him, still no response, even though I know he saw the message.

 

I've been crying nonstop every moment I have alone and I can't function, I am just so miserable about how this all turned out. We are both to blame even if I did instigate it. He has never been like this before but neither have I and I definitely wasn't myself. I keep thinking about all of our good times and I can't believe I ruined it, but I did.

[Eggplant]

If you want help messaging him, tell us what hurtful thing you said.

[ana0pera]

long story short i accused him of losing interest in me because he has been a bit distant, and when he said he cared about me i gave him a huge long list of reasons why i don't think he cares about me. Not that it excuses my behavior, but I've been battling depression for the past few months and was recently pescribed antidepressants that only made my negativity more intense. I've since stopped the medicine and I feel clearer in my head and realize how wrong I was to act the way I did, but at the same time many of the things I said were true, I just didn't say it in a kind constructive way. We are both stubborn and prideful at times. He did message me some time later to tell me that we can talk soon so that I can at least get closure... so I guess he is fed up with me once and for all. :/

Edited March 25, 2013 by ana0pera

[Els]

Sorry to hear that. It's really, really difficult to deal with mental issues and a LDR simultaneously, because LDRs in themselves take a lot of mental fortitude to weather, and you can't easily get the same sort of support in a LDR that you can get from a local R. Oftentimes a combination of the two can send relationships into a downward spiral through no fault of either person, and it sounds like that is the case here.

 

Have you tried apologizing for your behaviour and explaining the antidepressants?

[Emilia]

I think the biggest issue with LDR is that it's hard to maintain intimacy (that's why I can't do it) at the best of times let alone when you are going through so much trouble.

 

It would be the best to find ways of handling your depression long term first before looking for a relationship I think. Going out with someone that has a dysfunction is hard, when there is distance, it can be even harder to maintain the motivation.

[ana0pera]

I haven't made a formal apology or told him about the medicines yet. He is putting off talking to me and I feel like it's a weird thing to text (and I've already badgered him with enough text messages). I could ask him today, for example, if he had time to talk and more than likely he'll say no, or not respond to me until he's going to bed he tries not to be confrontational and it comes off as being elusive. it is a major cultural difference between us.

 

I am trying to handle my depression right now, are you suggesting that we break up and try again once I am better? That is one option, I guess, but I don't feel like it is really a long-term solution, to just end things when it gets tough and try again when things are better. I am used to working with others through their difficult times, and I thought he was too given some of the things he's told me about his family. But I am not family so maybe that is a distinction he is making

[Emilia]

he tries not to be confrontational and it comes off as being elusive. it is a major cultural difference between us.

 

Unless you find some compromise, this could turn out to be a major communication problem between you two.

 

I am trying to handle my depression right now, are you suggesting that we break up and try again once I am better? That is one option, I guess, but I don't feel like it is really a long-term solution, to just end things when it gets tough and try again when things are better. I am used to working with others through their difficult times, and I thought he was too given some of the things he's told me about his family. But I am not family so maybe that is a distinction he is making

 

I was getting the impression that perhaps he was breaking up with you? Would you consider being in a relationship with a person who goes quiet on you for a week or longer? Breaking up and getting back together isn't a great idea no but are you actually still together? What are you working through exactly? The fact that you have depression and could come across 'difficult' or that the two of you don't appear to have good communication and he seems to be getting distant?

[ana0pera]

I was getting the impression that perhaps he was breaking up with you? Would you consider being in a relationship with a person who goes quiet on you for a week or longer? Breaking up and getting back together isn't a great idea no but are you actually still together? What are you working through exactly? The fact that you have depression and could come across 'difficult' or that the two of you don't appear to have good communication and he seems to be getting distant?

 

I don't know what's going on, if he's breaking up with me or not. We are working on communication issues as a couple, and I am working on my depression as well. It's the classic case where everything is fine when we're together but when we're apart all of the latent issues are magnified and brought to the forefront. I do not appreciate the disappearing acts but I know it's how he deals with difficult situations, this isn't the first time it's happened. He now realizes that it bothers me though, and had gotten better about it until I blew up at him most recently.

[Chris516]

I don't know what's going on, if he's breaking up with me or not. We are working on communication issues as a couple, and I am working on my depression as well. It's the classic case where everything is fine when we're together but when we're apart all of the latent issues are magnified and brought to the forefront. I do not appreciate the disappearing acts but I know it's how he deals with difficult situations, this isn't the first time it's happened. He now realizes that it bothers me though, and had gotten better about it until I blew up at him most recently.

 

I don't have depression. But there are definitely communication issues with my fiance.

 

Just like you, everything is great when I am there. But it goes downhill when I am gone.

[CHERRITREE83]

I was in a similar situation, being in LDR is super hard, but communication is key. If he is not responding to you then it could be a lot of reasons, he may be hurting, and sometimes people put space in between their BF or GF because they need time to heal, or he could be mad and need some time to reevaluate what he wants. in my case my Long Distance BF totally shut me out of his life, no calls or text, nothing, I reached out and it was in vain, because i never heard back from him, It was his way of letting me go, I guess he couldn't just say the words, its over, so i had to sum up on my own that he didn't want to continue the relationship. It took me a few months to get over the sadness but I finally did. I don't know why your BF is not responding but I hope you have a resolution to your problem soon! I know what its like to be left waiting for a response.

[ana0pera]

so he finally did respond to me a few days ago, when i asked if ignoring me was his way of letting go if he could at least give me an affirmative "yes" or "no" that we're over. it went something like this:

 

me:i know i don't deserve an acknowledgement of a goodbye b/c of how I acted, but I've been a wreck so maybe it will help...

him: we will have a talk some day soon and then i think you will at least get that! about to go to bed now, good night

 

(next day)

me: hello! do you have time to talk today? I'm on spring break now

<he looks at message but doesn't respond>

me (2 hours later): are you made at me? this isn't an excuse but i am sorry for everything i did, I had a bad reaction to my meds and I am off of them now

him: that's very nice for you! I promise that I have and will take time for that later this week when I'm on my Easter Break I'm not mad at you, and that's totally ok. Glad you are off the meds

<small talk for another 30 mins, but nothing since. I did text him a simple "hi" but he did not respond>

 

It all sounds reassuring I guess but I remain a bit apprehensive as he doesn't like confrontation. I am trying to be patient and not lose my cool, and I am really hoping he keeps his promise because in the past he has told me he'd make time for me and then vanish. The last time was really bad and we had a long reconciliation afterwards in which he realized how it made me feel, so hopefully that wont happen again.

[CherryT]

Ana, I'm so so sorry you're going through this. I don't think anyone deserves to be left hanging like this - long distance or not. I believe that you deserve better. As much as some people might like to think, depression is not something that you can control. It takes time to understand it and learn how to deal with it... you want to be with someone who is supportive of that (despite what they may have on their plate). When you think of a real, mature relationship, you see two people who will be there for each other no matter what. Your BF sounds like he's playing games... if he knows that you're going through a rough patch, he should also know that ignoring you and leaving you waiting, guessing is not the answer. To leave and not say a word is unacceptable to me and I wouldn't stand for that (LDR or Local). I don't know how serious you are with your BF, but I want to marry mine. And the man I want to marry will be there no matter what I go through. I don't know what is in store for me down the road, whether I will be healthy of god-forbid something happens. I want to be with someone who loves me enough to understand it... they may have a hard time accepting it but they won't just leave without a trace. Sure, he may need space but how hard is it to tell you to give him a few days? Instead of leaving you worried. I wouldn't do that to my BF out of respect and care and he shouldn't have done that to you out of respect and care.

 

I hope you think about yourself and know that you also have a choice.

Edited March 29, 2013 by CherryT

[Cutiepie1976]

I know you're anxious, but you have to give him space to work through his thoughts and feelings. You've apologized and provided an explanation. Let him contact you when he's ready.

 

Do you have friends or someone else that you can talk to in the meanwhile? Try to keep yourself busy with other things until you hear from him. Hopefully that will help with your urge to keep texting him because you want immediate clarity.

[ana0pera]

I am giving him space, I realize now that I shouldn't have texted him today, but at least it was just a simple "hi :)" nothing more or less. I am hoping he keeps his word this weekend and contacts me, but if he doesn't I am not going to make a big deal of it (like I would normally). Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it) I am super busy with work as I have my 3rd year evaluation on Monday, so I can't think about him 24/7 and our issues, even though the fact that it's uncertain is making it hard for me to work.

 

I deserve better treatment and I let him know that, it was the last thing I said to him before he got quiet. My self-esteem is really low right now and it's hard for me to see if this is a relationship that's worth pursuing or not, and his lack of support doesn't help make it clearer.

 

I know that I am crazier about him than he is about me. He is my first boyfriend, he's had many girlfriends before, so that probably has something major to do with it. Once I let it slip that I love him and he got kind of upset, he told me that he didn't want me to say that and he didn't feel ready to say that to me so he wasn't going to say he loved me, although he really really likes me. I appreciated him not lying to me, although i felt like i was being chastised a bit for being open with him. Then a few months later I asked him about our future and he flat-out said he didn't know and didn't want to talk about it. I got really mad and we eventually made up but it's been rocky ever since (it was rocky before that too though).

 

I don't get him at all. If he's not interested in me I don't know why he can't just say it. He tells me he doesn't want to see other people, that he doesn't want to stop talking to me while I try to get better, that he is interested in me and wants me to get better, that we will talk more. But we talk less than we used to and we're not intimate as much as we used to be, and his actions just don't match the words. Then he tells me "oh well, forget about me if that's what you want" when I ask him a question he doesn't want to answer. I don't see what he could be getting out of a relationship with me and what he sees in me, given that we barely talk anymore and he is hesitant to initiate anything sexual even though he used to love that (I was hesitant about it for a while and then I got over it, but now I want it and he's hesitant). Before our fallout he would try to make time to talk to me once a week or so, even if it wasn't convenient for him and when we're together he is sweet and tries to be romantic and chivalrous although I don't think it's very natural to him and his Scandinavian culture. He is so confusing, and I am confused, and it's just not good but I don't want to let go

Edited March 29, 2013 by ana0pera

[Cutiepie1976]

No contact until he contacts you.

 

Usually you don't both fall "in love" at the same identical point. The period when one person has and the other is still getting there is very hard and stressful on both people.

 

I wouldn't worry about what he gets out of the relationship or question why he is/was with you. Obviously, he's getting what he needs from being with you or he would leave. The repeated questioning really reflects your insecurity and your view of your self-worth. Unfortunately, that can get very tiresome for the person who has to constantly reassure and justify why he wants to be with you. Perhaps your BF could do a better job of helping you feel secure about his feelings, but TBH at the end of the day, you just have to accept that if someone is your boyfriend, he likes you and you "do" it fit him. If you didn't, he would stop dating you.

 

Relationships require trust and a leap of faith.

 

Good luck!

Edited March 29, 2013 by Cutiepie1976

[HeavenOrHell]

His reply doesn't sound reassuring, just polite, I don't think it guarantees that he'll talk to you.

Try to not let your state of mind be dependent on how things are with him, he probably picks up on this and feels pressured by it, no-one wants to feel responsible for someone else's peace of mind.

I suffer with depression and a few times have said to my partner it's not your job to cheer me up, or make me happy, that's down to me, don't treat me with kid gloves or feel like you can't say or do anything which might hurt me.

I think personal issues like depression can be worked through in an LDR as you have plenty of time and space to work on things, as long as a partner is understanding and supportive, and patient, unless you're making things hell for your partner in the meantime.

It's not fair on a partner if their partner takes out their problems on them over and over, not saying you're doing that, if I was doing this to my partner I would not feel ready to be in a relationship and would take time out on my own to work on it.

Hope you can work things out, good luck

 

so he finally did respond to me a few days ago, when i asked if ignoring me was his way of letting go if he could at least give me an affirmative "yes" or "no" that we're over. it went something like this:

 

me:i know i don't deserve an acknowledgement of a goodbye b/c of how I acted, but I've been a wreck so maybe it will help...

him: we will have a talk some day soon and then i think you will at least get that! about to go to bed now, good night

 

(next day)

me: hello! do you have time to talk today? I'm on spring break now

<he looks at message but doesn't respond>

me (2 hours later): are you made at me? this isn't an excuse but i am sorry for everything i did, I had a bad reaction to my meds and I am off of them now

him: that's very nice for you! I promise that I have and will take time for that later this week when I'm on my Easter Break I'm not mad at you, and that's totally ok. Glad you are off the meds

<small talk for another 30 mins, but nothing since. I did text him a simple "hi" but he did not respond>

 

It all sounds reassuring I guess but I remain a bit apprehensive as he doesn't like confrontation. I am trying to be patient and not lose my cool, and I am really hoping he keeps his promise because in the past he has told me he'd make time for me and then vanish. The last time was really bad and we had a long reconciliation afterwards in which he realized how it made me feel, so hopefully that wont happen again.

[ana0pera]

thank you all for the supprt and advice, it's helping me to approach this situation with much more clarity and understanding of exactly what went wrong. i feel even worse for what i did but i can't take back what i did or said so i just need to move on.

 

i have a feeling he's not going to talk to me again, that he was just being nice. i am going to try not to let it get to me but it might just be wishful thinking on my part. it already hurts and it's just going to hurt more

[HeavenOrHell]

You're welcome but wish I could have given a more positive reply, but that's how I see things here.

It does neither of you any good to beat yourself up, he already knows you're sorry. It is bound to get to you and hurt, you are only human, no-one with a heart comes out of a relationship without hurt or sadness to some degree, the hurt does lessen though, trust me.

Post here if you need to *Big hugs*

 

 

 

thank you all for the supprt and advice, it's helping me to approach this situation with much more clarity and understanding of exactly what went wrong. i feel even worse for what i did but i can't take back what i did or said so i just need to move on.

 

i have a feeling he's not going to talk to me again, that he was just being nice. i am going to try not to let it get to me but it might just be wishful thinking on my part. it already hurts and it's just going to hurt more

[ana0pera]

Still haven't heard from him. Haven't contacted him either. I am sooooo tempted to just say, "Happy Easter!" and leave it at that but I know better than that, I know that one message will open up a pandora's box for me and if he doesn't respond I will be more sad than I am now.:(

 

There is still some hope I will hear from him, it's still earlier than we normally talk, and he has break tomorrow (although I no longer do). But I can't live just hoping he will call/text/skype with me. I've turned into a pavlov's dog, everytime I hear my phone (or someone else's) beep, I immediately check to see if it's him. I wake up in the morning and check to make sure he didn't message me at night. I know this is ridiculous but this is what I do. It's shameful.

 

I feel so alone right now, he was the only person who really listened to me. My friends here all seem slightly autistic and definitely narcissistic. My friends back at home are really busy, but really motivate me and I am ashamed to tell them how depressed I am because they think I am the perfect high-achiever. Just like my family thinks. My family members are always multitasking when I talk to them and I know they aren't paying a lot of attention to what I say, so they don't even know the extent of how bad my depression is. It's good to have people who believe in you but it would be better to believe in myself. My therapist gets paid to listen to my problems but I don't feel comfortable telling her everything, and sometimes it's hard to start in a "structured" setting. I have no one and it's my fault. I put so much effort into a few relationships, put all of my eggs into a few baskets, and those baskets broke and now i am left with broken shells that I am walking on trying not to break them further. But there's no point any longer because the damage is done.

[Els]

Still haven't heard from him. Haven't contacted him either. I am sooooo tempted to just say, "Happy Easter!" and leave it at that but I know better than that, I know that one message will open up a pandora's box for me and if he doesn't respond I will be more sad than I am now.:(

 

There is still some hope I will hear from him, it's still earlier than we normally talk, and he has break tomorrow (although I no longer do). But I can't live just hoping he will call/text/skype with me. I've turned into a pavlov's dog, everytime I hear my phone (or someone else's) beep, I immediately check to see if it's him. I wake up in the morning and check to make sure he didn't message me at night. I know this is ridiculous but this is what I do. It's shameful.

 

I feel so alone right now, he was the only person who really listened to me. My friends here all seem slightly autistic and definitely narcissistic. My friends back at home are really busy, but really motivate me and I am ashamed to tell them how depressed I am because they think I am the perfect high-achiever. Just like my family thinks. My family members are always multitasking when I talk to them and I know they aren't paying a lot of attention to what I say, so they don't even know the extent of how bad my depression is. It's good to have people who believe in you but it would be better to believe in myself. My therapist gets paid to listen to my problems but I don't feel comfortable telling her everything, and sometimes it's hard to start in a "structured" setting. I have no one and it's my fault. I put so much effort into a few relationships, put all of my eggs into a few baskets, and those baskets broke and now i am left with broken shells that I am walking on trying not to break them further. But there's no point any longer because the damage is done.

 

I'm sorry to hear this, ana. Your last paragraph certainly describes a major part of what relationships mean to me. It's the one person who knows you in and out, and vice versa, whom you can talk to about anything and allow beneath your protective shell. Right?

 

Unfortunately, sometimes that person is the wrong person for you. And when you have decided that, leaving is the only option. It will suck in the short term, but in the long term you can only find the right person when you're NOT with the wrong one.

 

Stay strong, try and make new friends if your old ones are getting you down. Sometimes we grow out of friendships, through neither parties' fault. Life happens.

 

Take care.

[ana0pera]

Thanks for the optimistic words, Elswyth. It's so true, that you invest a lot of yourself in building a life together with a person and it might just not be right for each other and you have to start over again.

 

I am very stubborn, don't want to believe that we aren't right for each other, but maybe we are not. a tough pill to swallow. I tell myself that at the moment we are not right for each other, but can that really be true? If circumstances got better, like I didn't have so much stress, or we didn't have this distance, everything would be better? I feel like I can handle one of these issues--my mental health or the LD--at a time, but not both. I am so used to making excuses for everything, I never see things as either black or white, there's always another underlying reason. I am making excuses for us right now.

 

It's been very revealing of who I am as a person. I think HoH made some good points about mental health and LDRs, that you can't look to the other person to make you better and give you strength. You have to find it from within, and putting that much burden on another person is unfair. I agree 100% and realize that I've been guilty of this to a certain extent.

 

I am really hoping that things get better after tomorrow. One of the things that catalyzed my stress is my academic evaluation from last year, which was a bit more critical than I had expected it to be, and then I had to abandon most of my dissertation project because there was an emergency with my field location. Tomorrow I get to meet with my committee again (as we do every year) and they tell me about my progress--hopefully it's significantly more positive than last year! I think that a positive review would really help my mood and make it feel like all of these sacrifices I am making--being away from my family, friends, bf--are worth it. Because right now I really question what I am doing with my life and if I still want to be on the same career path I've been preparing for these past 7 years.

[justwhoiam]

I think you didn't have to apologize about anything. You just let it all out. That caused the problem. If you are in a relationship that doesn't allow you to point out the negatives, you're f---ed. Pardon my French.

 

Now there's the aftermath. If love is there but is not that "strong" anymore, you can't make it work. One should make any reasonable effort to make things work, but it takes two. Inevitably. So you will know it's not your fault. You said your baskets broke and all the eggs in there. You need to build new baskets. Other nice things will follow. Because life is like that. It can surprise you when you least expect it.

[ana0pera]

I know I didn't have to apologize for anything, but I do realize that I was wrong in how I handled the situation and I at least need to acknowledge that for him and myself. I didn't apologize for everything because I think I had some valid points and there's no point in lying once I've been brutally honest.

 

Regardless, still no word from him. I know patience is not a virtue that I have, and I am trying really hard to occupy myself with other things and wait until he is ready, but I feel at this point that he isn't going to get back to me. I did end up texting him a little bit (nothing accusatory or angry) and he doesn't respond AT ALL until I basically say good bye. Like I said I would delete his number, the messaging app we use, and the skype/email account we communicate with so that I wouldn't be tempted to go on a rampage again, and he immediately said no, that he would write soon. He keeps saying this, but how soon is soon? Is it just a lie? I don't know how he is doing because he doesn't talk to me, he might be mad/sad/or a-ok. I've tried my hardest though and I guess that wasn't enough. Perhaps I should just do all of those things I said about cutting all modes of contact and not telling him that I did it. The idea of doing that really hurts, but it can't be any worse than the uncertainty of waiting everyday for his words.

[justwhoiam]

Maybe you can leave just one channel open, and shut all the others down. I guess that just seeing his name anywhere hurts when the NC mode is on. And you need to know what's best for your own health, and not just preserve his wishes. Those come second place, at this point. For your own sanity. And you can let him know. I will leave this communication channel open and delete you from all my other accounts, etc. I hope you get back in touch with me in the next 20 days. After that, you won't be able to contact me anymore.

 

Something like that. By the way, you know he's reading everything you write. And when you say "bye", he replies. It's his way to let you know he's there and reading whatever you typed. Give him the time to process everything. Maybe what he's doing is not that bad. If he replied right away, maybe he would be harsh or say things he would then regret. So he's probably trying not to be impulsive.

[ana0pera]

I decided to give him a deadline, telling him that I want to give him space but I can't wait forever, so after X date I am closing all channels of contact. I feel like this is putting pressure on him but you're right, I have to do what's best for me now and waiting is not doing anything for my state of mind.

 

I am starting to do better. I have other things to distract me but there are times where I sit and my mind wanders off to him and us and I just break down and cry. It's at those times that I really want to talk to him and hear that everything is ok, or that it's not okay and it's over. Right now it's a lot of confusion and I don't want that. Although silence is an action, and if he chooses to remain silent I guess I have my answer.

 

What stings right now is that I've been having a school-related trip to Europe in the works for a while and as of this morning, I have the clearance to go about picking dates and buying tickets. When things were good between us the plan was for me to do my research for a few weeks and then he'd take a short flight down and we'd spend a week together before I headed back to the US. Now it looks like I will be in a beautiful, romantic city all by myself for a month. I will develop a more positive outlook between now and then, I think, and I honestly am hopeful. It helps that I have distractions, but this in and of itself is a huge distraction that is distracting me from my other distractions!