He told me to forget about him, and now he is M.I.A.

[justwhoiam]

I know what you mean... I feel for you. A deadline is good though. You'll be waiting for that day, and that day will arrive.

 

About your trip... I know what that means too. I felt something that horrible could happen. And natural disasters inbetween, which actually happened for real. Try to think positive. Take that week anyway, just in case. Make sure you can fly back earlier if needed. What romantic city? You should have a plan A, a plan B and maybe a plan C!

[ana0pera]

So tomorrow is the deadline. I didn't think he'd actually say something to me before then and I didn't want to pressure him, but I was a mess so through SMS, I told him I miss him and what we had. Surprise surprise, he replies to me for the first time in ages to say that he feels the same way. I ask him if he thinks things will ever be at least okay between us and he said he sure hopes so. This is all good and great but once he starts opening up he shuts down again, immediately! So frustrating. All of this conspired through text, we haven't skyped/talked since our argument.

 

Because I've been so impatient, needy, and vocal about what I want and how I feel, I ask him to tell me what he wants and feels.

 

Silence.

 

I realize this is a "big" question so I break it down for him: I tell him that I had three ideas about how to move forward: (1) we continue our relationship and recommit to working out our issues and I work on my health. (2) we stay friendly but not in a relationship, and if we find that we are still close in the future, consider getting back together. (3) we stop contact altogether and end amicably. I ask him what he thought of these ideas or if he had any other ideas.

 

Silence.

 

I don't know what the deal is. If he is really thinking about this and just doesn't know what he wants, or if he's playing games. I wanted some direction by tomorrow and he has given me hope, but is he just being polite, manipulative, or genuine?

 

Because of all this, I don't know if I should I go through with my plan to close contact tomorrow? I guess I can give him until tomorrow to comment with his ideas/thoughts/feelings, and if he doesn't I can start the moving on process. I don't understand why it takes this long to figure out what you want but then again, I am the crazy one who put him through this mess and he might be thinking about whether i am going to go off on him again.

[bluegreen]

Any guy around close to kick this b....d a..ss ?

Doll he is f.... with your mind sorry for brutal launguage but he is.

Throw away your phone if its not expensive get a hammer and pound crap out of take of skype from your pc and all and anything from him.

He is not coming back to you he is either as I said b... that does not love you anymore but loves attention , depressed and does not know how to get out of it, or well there is no third or.

This will go on until you end up in hospital and HE STILL WILL NOT COME

My heart aches for you justwho i am knows me well and she knew I went more or less trough the same thing let it go doll let it go before it destroys you he is not worth it.

[PepperPotts]

Ana, I know this sucks, and I believe I would be re/acting exactly the same way you are if I was in your situation.

 

But.

 

I think it's important for you to realize that while this guy might be everything you remember, he's also a guy who's willing to treat you like this. He's willing to (to quote Simon Pegg) "dangle the bogus carrot of reconciliation" in front of you, then return to giving you the silent treatment.

 

You shouldn't put up with this. We all do it-- we all let people we love shun us and then we beg them to talk to us instead of walking away. Yes, sometimes you need a few hours of silence to process and not say regrettable things. But he isn't taking space-- he's ignoring you. The silent treatment is readily recognized by the medical community as *emotional abuse.* (Dangers of the silent treatment - Chicago Tribune)

 

If you ever feel ready, send him this: "I love you, but I'm done. I realize I took out my pain on you, and that was wrong. I was and still am willing to work on myself and my emotional health. But you're leaving me out in the dark. You say you want us to be together, but then you don't say anything at all. I can't and won't live my life waiting for you. Relationships require communication, so your silence tells me you don't actually want to be in one with me. I really am focusing on my health now, and that means getting rid of things that cause me stress-- and this uncertainty is killing me. If you ever change your mind, you know how to get in contact with me, but I won't be contacting you again."

 

And as I say that I know it would take me months of dealing with this to get to the point where I "gave up." But Ana, you wouldn't be giving up on the relationship-- you'd be giving up all of the pain it's causing you right now. You'd be giving yourself space to mourn. Most of all, you'd be giving up the uncertainty, and I truly believe that uncertainty is worse than the pain of knowing. If he wants to be with you, he'll let you know. If he doesn't, this way you'll know, and he won't get to play with your emotions anymore.

 

I really hope this works out for you, and I believe it will, either way.

 

Just don't let yourself be the girl on the hook. If he isn't going to reel you in, get off the line and swim for warmer waters.

[ana0pera]

thank you both for the advice, i am definitely pondering it as i figure out what to do next. does anyone else agree, or have a different perspective?

 

i should note that in his country (he's Scandinavian) the men are notorious for doing this, it's a criticism they're all given even though they are very egalitarian and respectful of women otherwise. They are brutally stoic and sometimes come off as cold and emotionless. I have witnessed this with my own eyes, having had friendships with other men from his country and neighboring ones, as well as friends who've dated men of the same culture. So while I agree with a lot of what you both are saying, about how silent treatment is emotional abuse, etc, I can't help but wonder if this is also part cultural misunderstanding. That doesn't necessarily make it better, and an explanation isn't an excuse, I still have to decide if I can deal with this and I shouldn't have to. The question now is can he and will he change, be it cultural or not.

 

i like your message PepperPotts, and I am not completely sure yet what I am going to do, but I think that when tomorrow comes if he doesn't say anything, I am just going to send something like that to him and then cut him out of my life. He knows how to contact me if he really wants to contact me, but I am going to make it so that I can't contact him.. that is the real danger, because as I've seen these past few weeks, he isn't exactly jumping at the opportunity to talk to me. He hasn't been proactive in contacting me for a long time, and the argument worsened it...again, I've known men from his culture and I actually went out with one for a short bit (not LD though) and he was the same way... but you are right, the uncertainty is what's getting to me right now, he isn't able to say "goodbye" or "let's work on this" and it's more likely a manipulative strategy than it is him not knowing. I've been dealing with this for a long time now, we both have, every time it gets better something happen and it gets worse again.

 

I did throw in the towel the last time and then he came back and wanted to try again when I did that. I told myself I would be cautious this time and I was for a bit and then I put myself all in and look what happened. I guess you can't go into a relationship if you're not 100% into it, so it's good that I put myself all in, but that also means I put myself out there to get hurt. Well I did get hurt and so did he, don't know if we are going to reconcile because it takes two people, and at least I can leave this knowing that I tried to reconcile. It's not my fault that he doesn't know what he wants and I can't make him change his mind. And you're right, I can't sit here waiting for him to make up his mind, dreading every moment I don't know what's going on. I need to take control of my life and who is/isn't in it and what is going to bring me happiness and peace, if I want to get better.

[PepperPotts]

That doesn't necessarily make it better, and an explanation isn't an excuse, I still have to decide if I can deal with this and I shouldn't have to. The question now is can he and will he change, be it cultural or not.

 

You're right-- that's exactly what it boils down to. On one hand, it's comforting to know that there may be a cultural reason this is happening-- but it doesn't change the fact that it *is* happening, and it's not good for you. Little cultural differences are easy to get past, but big differences --and I would consider any difference that negatively affects communication to be big-- can be much, much more difficult. Maybe he's acting how men act in his culture. That gives you full permission to act as a strong woman in your culture would-- and a strong woman likely wouldn't put up with this crap, because she knows she deserves better (full disclosure: I say this on a day when my boyfriend has ignored every text I sent (a recurring problem) and is now late for our nightly chat, which is supposed to be video tonight but probably won't be at this point, so, you know, pot/kettle).

 

I need to take control of my life and who is/isn't in it and what is going to bring me happiness and peace, if I want to get better.

 

This is the real key issue in this situation. You're in a position where you need to be working on your mental and emotional health, and that means you need to organize your life and relationships in a way that's healthiest for you, right now. That means surrounding yourself with supportive people, and removing yourself from stressful situations whenever possible. You need to let yourself be your priority right now. Until you heal, you won't be in a position to really "work on" this relationship, or any relationship that might potentially come later. Remember, these unfortunate health issues contributed to this most recent relationship problem in the first place.

 

Your health is the one part of this relationship that you can take control of. After all, you're half of the relationship-- working on your half is still working on the whole.

 

You'll get through this, Ana, no matter how it ends up.

[ana0pera]

Thanks PepperPotts, you are right. Completely right. I am going to do that and he has the choice to be there for me or move on.

 

It's funny that when we're together it's opposite. If we get into an argument he wants to talk about it and work it out immediately, whereas I want time to think about it (maybe because I know how I am? ). And he's very supportive in-persn, he can tell when something's bothering me (even if it doesn't involve him) and he wants to talk about it and reassure me. He tries to be open to about himself, eventhough I get the sense that it isn't something natural to him.

 

But once we are apart the behavior that I described in the thread starts up. I don't know if it's because he's trying to woo me when we're together but I doubt that's the reason. I guess it's true that LDR magnifies latent issues. I wonder if circumstances were different and if we weren't LDR if all or any of this would've happened. But there's really no use thinking about implausible "what-ifs."

[ana0pera]

he just wants to be friends for right now. he finally told me what was wrong, turns out I offended him with something and honestly he is justified in being upset, though I wish he told me earlier.

 

damage is done, no point crying anymore. don't know if i can actually be friends right now or ever because it hurts too much, so I started NC and went through all the deletions. He has my # if he's ever inclined to contact me. We decided not to meet up when I am in Europe so there's a high chance I'm never going to see him again.

Edited April 8, 2013 by ana0pera

[PepperPotts]

Oh Ana, I'm so sorry

[bluegreen]

Am so sorry to HUGS

could it be that bad can you tell us and perhaps we can all put our heads together and fix it?

Heck you can even "gently" suprise him there appologize in person seeing you might change his mind so come on girl spill it no time to waste what did you say ?

[CherryT]

Am so sorry to HUGS

could it be that bad can you tell us and perhaps we can all put our heads together and fix it?

Heck you can even "gently" suprise him there appologize in person seeing you might change his mind so come on girl spill it no time to waste what did you say ?

 

First, Ana I'm sorry this happened. It's the worse when break up's aren't clear and you're picking up the pieces.

 

In your case, you had some part to do with the break-up. Whether you meant what you said that hurt him or not, it still happened. I don't know if showing up is the best idea... Someone who loves you can work through things you said without thinking/out of anger. He knows what condition you're in (health wise) and I think the best way to get him back (if that's in the cards for you both) is to work on yourself. So if you do get back together, you both are in a better place. He may be able to open up and you've taken care of your health. My ex (before he cheated) when we started going on and off would pressure me to get back together. It never felt right because we had a lot of work to do on ourselves individually and he was just trying to shoehorn us into being together again, because going back to the routine was much better than breaking free and getting better. We very much weren't right for each other at that time in our lives. I took the time and got better and he didn't and now I look back and am glad it's happened, it taught me a lot. But glad he's not "the one" for me. I thought he was though at many points. I know now that he wasn't and far from it.

 

It may not seem like a good situation right now, but he couldn't stick by you while you got better. In hindsight, I think you'll appreciate taking this time to work on yourself.

[bluegreen]

Am so sorry to HUGS

could it be that bad can you tell us and perhaps we can all put our heads together and fix it?

Heck you can even "gently" suprise him there appologize in person seeing you might change his mind so come on girl spill it no time to waste what did you say ?

 

Good point : ((

Am just feeling my heart ache because I know she loves him

B... really she might have hurt him but he also knew her health issues could he not have tried to forgive her.

Edited April 9, 2013 by bluegreen
opss wanted to quote cherry's post

[CherryT]

Good point : ((

Am just feeling my heart ache because I know she loves him

B... really she might have hurt him but he also knew her health issues could he not have tried to forgive her.

 

I know. I know that feeling very well too... When you want to work things out so bad, but sometimes it's just not right. Whether it's timing or other circumstances. Also look at all the attempts she made to get in touch with him and with no response. Now that he responded with an answer (closure) like she wanted, she needs to respect that.

 

Ana, it sounds like he's just not ready right now and pressuring him when he isn't ready is going to make him go the other way. Give him some space and maybe that space will allow him to process things and think things through and realize he should've been there for you and that you were reacting based on your health. If you pressure someone, they don't get that chance to miss you and to really think for themselves. All they hear is what you want, to be together and even if that's what they want deep down inside, they might not come to that conclusion.

Edited April 9, 2013 by CherryT

[ana0pera]

he's not going to take me back. i don't believe it when he says he likes me and cares about me or anything else he said when he told me we should just be friends for now. i was stupid to ever believe and to fall in love in the first place. i can't act like it doesn't hurt me to know that he'll be seeing other people and moving on while we are "friends." i am sure he could care less about who i see and if i am capable of moving on.

 

i crossed a line and i knew it when i did it. i don't deserve forgiveness and i didn't ask for it because i know i don't deserve it. after we had our argument and he was ignoring me, i asked his ex to clarify their relationship and it got back to him. What she said reassured me to know that he wasn't lying, but she mentioned it to him (they are friends now). He got pissed that I went to her instead of him, thing is I tried going to him and he was ignoring me, so that was the ONLY thing I could do to try calming my nerves. I should've left it alone, but I was dumb and impatient. That is why he's been ignoring me, after he found out from her that we had been in contact. I should've known my boundaries but I was literally going crazy. He wasn't here to see how bad I was and I don't think he cares anyway.

 

i wouldn't even dream of surprising him, it would just backfire. I don't think whining and asking for forgiveness will do any good either, he was very clear that we should just be friends for right now. I thought I could do friends but once he told me that is what he wants my heart shattered. I can't do it. It hurts too much and I am too much of a mess to act like it's all okay. It would kill me faster than I am killing myself. He wants me to keep in contact with him, he says he likes it when I contact him and he doesn't want me to stop. But I know I need to stop because it isn't going to make me better, holding out hope that we'll get back together. Who knows, maybe he'll go back to his ex now, since he seemed so concerned about protecting her than about making sure I was okay. I don't think he wants to be with me ever again after how I acted and who could blame him I guess.

 

I just feel so dead inside, first all of the non-relationship problems I had and now this. I don't believe that it gets better. I wish I didn't have to wake up tomorrow or ever again, everything seems so pointless and stressful.

[bluegreen]

Doll please DONT SAY THAT !!!!

LADIES WHERE ARE YOU ??????

Doll you made a mistake but you did not kill anyone actually did you curse her out threatened her or something if not then its not good but NOT THAT BAD EITHER.

BASTARD is using this as an excuse !!!!!!

[ana0pera]

I didn't threaten her or curse her or anything like that, no attacks on her, I wouldn't do that to her no matter how I felt, I brought her into our drama but it wasn't to attack her or anything like that. If anything I bad-mouthed him to her and it got back to him because it impacted how she viewed him. I just wanted to confirm with her that they aren't involved in any "deep" capacity b/c he's supposed to be with me, and I didn't want her to have been blind-sided and go through what i was going through. This is all because I have trust issues external to my relationship with him and there have been some trust issues within the relationship too that i've found it difficult to move past.

[Emilia]

i crossed a line and i knew it when i did it. i don't deserve forgiveness and i didn't ask for it because i know i don't deserve it. after we had our argument and he was ignoring me, i asked his ex to clarify their relationship and it got back to him. What she said reassured me to know that he wasn't lying, but she mentioned it to him (they are friends now). He got pissed that I went to her instead of him, thing is I tried going to him and he was ignoring me, so that was the ONLY thing I could do to try calming my nerves. I should've left it alone, but I was dumb and impatient. That is why he's been ignoring me, after he found out from her that we had been in contact. I should've known my boundaries but I was literally going crazy. He wasn't here to see how bad I was and I don't think he cares anyway.

 

What and he wasn't even man enough to discuss with you? What a pussy. A petulant little boy. This guy is not a keeper, I'm pretty sure you can do much better

[WhoreyBull]

Don't pine over this guy. It wasn't right of you to use school ground espionage techniques, but you can't beat yourself up this much for letting some guy push you to stooping to his level!

Reading messages and ignoring them/hanging up/ignoring/etc. Is the height of immaturity in a ldr. The ignored party can do nothing short of uprooting their life in order to get contact with the person doing the ignoring. It is a lazy, cheap way of getting all the power. And this is someone you are in a relationship with?

If he knew the whole time why he was upset with you and chose to torture you by ignoring you then STOP being so morose over this jerk.

Right now you have him on a pedestal. You both made mistakes, you both are human, and HE is the one cutting off lines of communication.

Pick yourself up, learn from your mistakes, move on. There are better ones out there for the better you you are now.

[justwhoiam]

he's not going to take me back. i don't believe it when he says he likes me and cares about me or anything else he said when he told me we should just be friends for now.

I can relate somehow to what happened to you. I'm not sure I would ever do anything like that, as I've reached the bottom with him, but I didn't cross the line like that. But, still, I reached peaks of tension that were quite similar to what you described. Your words now are words of resentment. Which is understandable, you're right in the middle of the tunnel, quite a dark place, cold and uncomfortable. But stop thinking he never loved you. He probably didn't love you the way you would have liked or expected, which is something else.

 

i don't deserve forgiveness and i didn't ask for it because i know i don't deserve it.

You're overdoing it. People are forgiven for much worse than what you did. You didn't kill anyone. You surely did something very distrustful, but you should definitely apologize. If he asked to be friends with him, he already forgave you. Otherwise he would cut off any contact with you. So apologize, if you haven't yet, and ask that he can forgive you. Let him know you did that out of despair, because he was not communicating with you and you felt lost and you lived that as a real nightmare. Had you had a response from him, telling you he was offended and needed some time to himself, your reaction would have been different. But you were left to wondering, and - besides thoughts of losing him for good - other bad feelings were there and they all came out like steam. Sad enough he needs to understand that it all happened because you love him, and not because you hate him. It's not justifiable, but just makes you human.

 

If you can seriously promise that will never happen anymore, do so. And tell him that there are things between the two of you that need fixing, therefore a friendship is not possible.

 

Just make it clear that you're so in love with him, you'd have a hard time now seeing him as a friend.

 

If he's willing to risk it again with you, he will let you know. Otherwise it'll die out by itself. BUT, should he reconsider everything, you need to fix those things that didn't work between you. Have plans about emergencies, and understand the type of reactions you both have. And start from there.

 

he says he likes it when I contact him and he doesn't want me to stop.

Don't give in to that. Don't say you will in the state you're in now. Be frank and tell him that his rejection killed you. So you will need time to recover now. You could still meet him in person though, and have some kind of closure, deep talk between the two of you. If any strong feelings are still there from him, he will hardly hide them. So don't push it, just let him know when you'll be there and ask if he feels like meeting you for what's supposed to be your last date.

 

I just feel so dead inside

I hear ya. You can't see the sun at night, it's just normal. Just know it's not just you feeling like that. But there's always light out of the tunnel. This is not stats, it's real life. It's just a matter of time. How much time, no one can tell. I'm not saying you should start smiling tomorrow. I'm saying: give it some time to digest everything, you'll get out there wiser, and a renewed self.

 

I wish I didn't have to wake up tomorrow or ever again

I believe you're thinking that, but you can't really mean it. And you know. Think of all the things you didn't do yet, of all the things you haven't seen yet, and look forward to the things that would really make you happy. For example, if you had children, you'd have a different perspective and see life with different eyes.

[ana0pera]

Right now I am angry more so than sad. You're right, it was immature for him not to tell me what's wrong, and it's funny because he said I should've gone to him first, well I did try going to him BUT HE IGNORED ME so then I did something completely stupid.

 

He then got sad when I told him that it wasn't good for my health to contact him, and also when I said we probably shouldn't meet up this summer since I would need to plan that trip within the next few weeks before I leave the country for work. Weird thing is, he told me not to stop contacting him because he likes it. He didn't say anything about liking to contact me. He loves the attention I give him more than he likes me or cares about me. If he liked and cared about me as much as he says, none of this would've happened because I kept trying to address the problems when they arose and he kept blowing them off, and then I had a breakdown and he ignored me, then I contacted his ex and he got pissed but didn't tell me until I told him I was saying goodbye. Literally, I messaged him that I can't handle the silence anymore so I am going NC today. Then he finally told me how he felt.

 

What an *******. He was my first love though, and I still love him even though he treated me this way. I am not used to giving up on people or things, I like to fix situations and end on a high note, that usually works for me. I don't know how to identify a lost cause, but I guess I found one.

 

I don't have him on a pedestal, I haven't had him on one for a while, the problem is that I feel so *****ty about myself that I allowed myself to be treated this way. I haven't really had much luck with guys in the past--guys show interest but usually they only want FWB or things like that and I am not that kind of girl--and he was completely different, or so I thought. I am afraid of losing him because I don't think there's much out there for me, and I do genuinely care for him and at one time I thought he cared about me too, and I saw a future for us together. I know I moved too fast and wanted more than I should have but we stopped being a team sometime past. Also, I made the mistake of investing so much into him and us as opposed to IRL relationships with friends, when I met him I had just moved to a new city, school, etc and honestly I don't really like the people in my program, I am not super close to any of them so the only people who really know about my problems are him, my family, and my friends at home. My family and friends all have me on a pedestal so I can't tell them about all of this stuff because I would be super ashamed and I don't want them worrying. He was the one I could go to and he knows more about me than almost anyone. He was my confidant and I don't have that anymore. I stopped seeing my therapist because I got super busy with school but I guess I need to start again. How lame is that though, to go into a therapists office and cry about some guy who never loved you.

 

I just want to yell at him and get my anger out and let him know that he's not perfect but I know there's no use to do any of that, I need to maintain NC. The selfish jerk isn't going to contact me I know that for sure, I was never really important to him. As much as he says he wants to be friends, he just wants to screw around with other girls and have me in his back pocket, because he knows I would be there for him. He will never check in to make sure I am okay or to say hi, even though he knows how I've been.

 

I was so happy that I received this opportunity to study in Europe for a bit over the summer because I knew I'd get to see him and we could grow a bit together--that isn't why I applied for it but it definitely ran through my mind when I submitted it, and he was the first person I told when I found out. Sucks that I wont see him now. I can't wait for the day that I realize all of this is for the best.

 

Moving on is easier said than done. I don't really have any distractions and I don't think it's right to rebound, especially in the state that I am in mentally. I used to be so independent and happily single, then I guess I graduated college and realized everyone in my age bracket is dating, marrying, etc, and I have never even had a boyfriend so I should put myself out there. Well I did and look where it got me, I've never felt this broken before and I've had a hard life. I used to be strong. Does it really ever get better?

 

I am just so miserable right now and lost, this breakup doesn't help at all. I just want to lay in bed all day but I have too much to do, none of which i am focusing on though.

[ana0pera]

I didn't see your post while I was writing my huge diatribe, justwhoiam, but thanks for your kind words and perspective. I am going to resist the urge to contact him now. I don't know if he is playing games, wants to be with me, or what. I am going to focus on my studies and myself and let it digest. Maybe in a week I will still miss him and maybe I wont. I'll have to wait and see.

You're overdoing it. People are forgiven for much worse than what you did. You didn't kill anyone. You surely did something very distrustful, but you should definitely apologize. If he asked to be friends with him, he already forgave you. Otherwise he would cut off any contact with you. So apologize, if you haven't yet, and ask that he can forgive you. Let him know you did that out of despair, because he was not communicating with you and you felt lost and you lived that as a real nightmare. Had you had a response from him, telling you he was offended and needed some time to himself, your reaction would have been different. But you were left to wondering, and - besides thoughts of losing him for good - other bad feelings were there and they all came out like steam. Sad enough he needs to understand that it all happened because you love him, and not because you hate him. It's not justifiable, but just makes you human.

 

I did say sorry, I didn't beg for forgiveness or try to justify my actions because I can't change what I did and I know it was wrong. I lost self-control. At this point I don't even know if it's worth bringing up again, we had a long discussion about it yesterday and he did take some responsibility for what happened, and I think he realized I stooped to that level because I wasn't getting any feedback from him.

 

Still not sure about the Europe thing, I feel like it'd be a waste not to at least see each other. I will think about it but what I might do is buy my tickets and make my plans, and tell him he can come down for a day or so before I am about to leave if he wants and we can sit down and talk. If he doesn't want to do that, fine. Obviously, the long date we had started talking about is off the tables. But maybe one day is not. Right now I am going to stick with NC and try to heal myself, that way in case we ever do talk again I can at least approach the situation with hindsight and maturity.

[WhoreyBull]

I can think of a perfect distraction for you right now... how about you?

Was that too cheesy?

the problem is that I feel so *****ty about myself that I allowed myself to be treated this way. I haven't really had much luck with guys in the past-

You say it yourself right here. You feel ****ty, and guys have taken advantage of it. In fact, even after saying that you continue to take jabs at yourself. If you feel like **** you are mostly going to attract people willing to treat you that way. Any person who sees the "real you" will become frustrated seeing you being so cruel to yourself, and will likely leave just to not see you in that state. If you continue to feel like **** nothing will change. You can't judge the quality of yourself based on the quality of your romantic relationships. Take some time and make some new friends before another boyfriend drama erupts! No one is going to be ashamed of you for needing people to lean on. You confidants need to be your family and friends, and you need people close to you! You need to have a strong support of people who will always be there than trying to construct a flimsy life raft with someone across the ocean!

Think of this...

You are a beautiful girl going to Europe single...

Holy crap are you going to have an amazing time!

I am not saying go out and have a re-bound, but imagine being free from constraint? Sure you can leave the option open to see him. It might get his head on straight... but honestly if you spend a few days exploring, meeting new people, flirting.... I think you might forget to check if he messaged you!

-I know moving on is hard. I had a guy I fell in love with. I dated him for months in my country, he went back to his. I want on a trip. Stayed with him for 2 months. Came back. Was ignored for 2 weeks. Dumped... Sometimes we are blind.

Edited April 9, 2013 by WhoreyBull

[ana0pera]

well now that i know what was going on more fully i think i can start focusing on myself without having to worry about a relationship, now that the relationship doesn't exist. I have a lot of travels to look forward to over the next three months (I am also going to South America and the Caribbean!!) so I can't let this get me down, I have a lot of experiences to look forward to and I need to be focused on that and happy about what I do have. It's not going to be easy, but thanks for the support everyone.

[justwhoiam]

Thank you, Ana.

 

Stayed with him for 2 months. Came back. Was ignored for 2 weeks. Dumped... Sometimes we are blind.

He ignored you as soon as you got back home for two whole weeks? And then dumped you altogether? Wow.

 

I am afraid of losing him because I don't think there's much out there for me

Ah, this is nonsense!!! I mean if you meant you're picky, now that might be... but if you meant few guys would date you............. it's hard to believe. Honestly.

[ana0pera]

Ah, this is nonsense!!! I mean if you meant you're picky, now that might be... but if you meant few guys would date you............. it's hard to believe. Honestly.

 

I am not picky. I value education and a lack of education is really my only deal breaker. That and if you are disrespectful toward people in service jobs.

 

The men where I live are significantly pickier than I am. Where I live is supposedly liberal but the men (regardless of their race) have a strong preference for non-Black women. It's not as bad as some parts of the US, such as where I went to undergraduate, but it's still bad. I am not Asian, White, or Latina and therefore I am less desired, especially among men who match me in interests, education, etc. I've had interest from non-American men of various racial groups, but that doesn't really help me with my current situation unless I specifically seek out men from outside my country, and that isn't really optimal (with my now-ex he pursued me). There are a lot of internationals here and I was involved with two different ones before I started dating my ex, one of them didn't want a relationship after we had been dating for a while and the other one was a casual fling that ended amicably. And that doesn't really circumvent the issue of LDR, because oftentimes these guys have to go back to their country at some point (I am still in school).

 

But it's not like guys are pursuing me wildly, I go to a party and no one strikes up a conversation with me. I need to get uglier friends and it's true, I could be more proactive and talk to the cute guys I see, but I can't get over the fact that I have to try harder than someone else who is just like me in terms of attributes except for race. Or, someone who I honestly don't think is as smart, nice, or attractive as I am gets guys more easily. Some of these girls are just as (if not more) crazy as I am so I don't think it's all just me sending out negative vibes, although that might be part of it. It pisses me off and I don't want to feed into it on principle. I think I am just going to get used to being single again.