He went back to the wife....

[egalew]

I confirmed what I suspected: exMM went back to the wife. When we parted the divorce papers were drawn and it was simply a matter of him signing.

 

Second marriage for both. No kids. And pretty much living separate lives. She the angry mommy, denying him sex, and he the naughty little boy.

 

She had met him when he was flat broke, and he quickly became addicted to the "lifestyle." When he left and discovered how much an electric and phone bill actually were, he panic.

 

She found thousands of texts, e-mails and pictures of us. I suspect there were a lot of other women and that he had been prowling around on the internet for years.

 

What happens now? How does a chronic cheat reform himself? How can she look at him, much less have sex with him?

[2sunny]

They don't "usually" reform.

 

They usually just ind their next willing victim... =OW.

 

Why does it matter to you if it's over?

[ThatJustHappened]

I confirmed what I suspected: exMM went back to the wife. When we parted the divorce papers were drawn and it was simply a matter of him signing.

 

Second marriage for both. No kids. And pretty much living separate lives. She the angry mommy, denying him sex, and he the naughty little boy.

 

She had met him when he was flat broke, and he quickly became addicted to the "lifestyle." When he left and discovered how much an electric and phone bill actually were, he panic.

 

She found thousands of texts, e-mails and pictures of us. I suspect there were a lot of other women and that he had been prowling around on the internet for years.

 

What happens now? How does a chronic cheat reform himself? How can she look at him, much less have sex with him?

 

Why are you worried about what happens now? It's not really your concern, if you're not involved with him anymore. And how did you hear about this? Were you checking up on him?

 

Good for you for getting out before this happened!! Aren't you happy about that?

[MissBee]

I confirmed what I suspected: exMM went back to the wife. When we parted the divorce papers were drawn and it was simply a matter of him signing.

 

Second marriage for both. No kids. And pretty much living separate lives. She the angry mommy, denying him sex, and he the naughty little boy.

 

She had met him when he was flat broke, and he quickly became addicted to the "lifestyle." When he left and discovered how much an electric and phone bill actually were, he panic.

 

She found thousands of texts, e-mails and pictures of us. I suspect there were a lot of other women and that he had been prowling around on the internet for years.

 

What happens now? How does a chronic cheat reform himself? How can she look at him, much less have sex with him?

 

When you said what happens now, I thought you meant with yourself and not for him and her. What happens to them is their life and their business. How he will reform? Who knows? He might not. How she can look at him? Who knows.

 

I do think it's the beginning of a new day for you though, to be done with this "naughty, spoiled boy" forever.

[Lillyfree]

why do you care? he's her problem and hers alone now.

 

you obviously dodged a bullet and are the lucky one that you're not the 'mummy' who has to support some irresponsible man-child loser.

[MissBee]

why do you care? he's her problem and hers alone now.

 

you obviously dodged a bullet and are the lucky one that you're not the 'mummy' who has to support some irresponsible man-child loser.

 

Riiight!

 

Time spent dissecting one's exMM's life and issues, is time wasted IMO.

 

I understand the urge but don't get too sucked in.

[2sure]

My xH was a serial cheater, not as active as the MM you described, but still a serial cheater. I divorced him. But some spouses stay with these people because they know that the cheating isnt a threat to their marriage ...they love them and consider the cheating a sort of emotional problem or addiction.

 

Since you describe her as a mommy figure and him as a child, their issues sound like they match.

[AnotherRound]

It could go a million different ways - depends on why he is staying and how important that reason is to him. If it's for financial security, that can be a pretty big motivator for some people to stay in a very unhappy and unhealthy relationship since they are dependent on someone else for necessities and find it hard to imagine doing it on their own.

 

He may reform - again, dependent on so many variables. Was he honest with her when the affair was discovered? You will hear from him again though, no doubt in my mind - few relationships end very clear cut like that (here one day, gone the next) - there are usually some contacts afterwards and such.

 

It's up to you now, when he contacts you again, whether or not you want to be a any part of their dysfunction. You can say no and remove yourself (if you do this, he will probably date others as he was obviously unhappy where he was and they probably won't fix that as the reconciliation rate is very low) - or you can say yes and continue to be a part of it.

 

Either way - now is your chance to make your own decisions about you and he. For me, someone who stays in a relationship for financial security (male or female) is akin to n a prostitute (even if they aren't having sex) and I have very little respect for that simply bc for me, inability to support oneself is disgustingly pathetic (male or female). I would excuse myself from their craziness - but what you do is up to you. You are the one that knows all the variables and such -

 

Any ideas as to how you are going to respond to this latest news?

[MissBee]

My xH was a serial cheater, not as active as the MM you described, but still a serial cheater. I divorced him. But some spouses stay with these people because they know that the cheating isnt a threat to their marriage ...they love them and consider the cheating a sort of emotional problem or addiction.

 

Since you describe her as a mommy figure and him as a child, their issues sound like they match.

 

This is so true and so my mom.

 

Some OW will coddle a MM and basically see his cake eating as some weakness born from nobility and stay the OW forever, likewise, some BSs are the same, they know he will never in fact leave and the cheating is just a thing he does. In such cases, no one is going anywhere. Understanding OW will stay put, or multiple ones will come and go, and so will the wife stay where she is and the MM where he is and so shall it be.

 

Eagle...be glad you can walk away from that situation.

[egalew]

Another and MissBee - I appreciate your feedback. It's calming me down.

 

How did I get wind of it? A few weeks back he sent me a very simple two line unemotional e-mail from his work address, which he never used. I didn't respond. But it was so detached, it seemed odd, so I suspected something.

 

There marriage is clearly one of the most dysfunctional ones I've seen, with her "chasing him" with her money, gifts etc. (14 years the man never paid a bill.)

 

Case at point: the day she kicked him out she went out and brought a brand new Mercedes, knowing he'd be impressed.

 

When she threw him out in October -- I suspect he was rubbing the affair a tad bit in her face -- he said, "This marriage has been over years. I have to take responsibility for engineering the break up."

 

What stung though, is when he finally got out he was like a little boy when their parents go away for the weekend. But when the reality of bills hit, he said: "You know....if I can't make my rent, I don't have back up." (Duh. And neither does a single mom, which I am.)

 

I am rambling. Venting. I just need to get this out.

 

Sorry.

[egalew]

Thanks, Lady for getting it. Why do you think your exMM went back? Did you hear from him again?

 

I go back and forth between hurt and anger to thinking he's a weak, colossal, lying loser.

[egalew]

Lady - How long has it been since you and your exMM parted ways? And how are you doing these days?

[MissBee]

Another and MissBee - I appreciate your feedback. It's calming me down.

 

How did I get wind of it? A few weeks back he sent me a very simple two line unemotional e-mail from his work address, which he never used. I didn't respond. But it was so detached, it seemed odd, so I suspected something.

 

There marriage is clearly one of the most dysfunctional ones I've seen, with her "chasing him" with her money, gifts etc. (14 years the man never paid a bill.)

 

Case at point: the day she kicked him out she went out and brought a brand new Mercedes, knowing he'd be impressed.

 

When she threw him out in October -- I suspect he was rubbing the affair a tad bit in her face -- he said, "This marriage has been over years. I have to take responsibility for engineering the break up."

 

What stung though, is when he finally got out he was like a little boy when their parents go away for the weekend. But when the reality of bills hit, he said: "You know....if I can't make my rent, I don't have back up." (Duh. And neither does a single mom, which I am.)

 

I am rambling. Venting. I just need to get this out.

 

Sorry.

 

Wow...he seems very unattractive!

 

What did you like about him?

 

What's making you feel upset now? That he went back? That he had no consequences? Or what?

[MissBee]

I understand where you are coming from egalew. When I heard that xmm and his wife got back together, I was a little shocked that she would take him back because she had said she would not and she would divorce him, however I wasn't a bit shocked that he would go back if he could.

 

Anyway......it's not my mess to figure out and there will come a time, when you just don't give a damn to try to figure it out, and you'll be so happy that it's not your mess anymore.

 

Time..........sweet time.

 

Yess.

 

You will be able to gauge how far you're into your healing by how little interest you have in his mess, beyond your relief that you're done!

 

I hope you get there soon.

[egalew]

He was highly intelligent. High IQ. Taught at an Ivy League college.

 

Though he looked like a middle-aged grandpa, he could be incredibly charming, making you feel like the most beautiful, sexy, attractive woman in the world. He was classic NPP.

 

I am sure he went running back to the wife, love bombing her and telling her everything she wanted to hear.

 

Why the hurt? Why am I so bothered? I feel that the entire year of the "I adore you's" and "we're so alike" was tossed aside with a snap. He used me and my daughter to stroke his big, fat ego.

 

Also, as a single mom that works my ass off paying my own bills, it stings knowing he is living it up without a care int he world.

 

I'm hurting and venting tonight. I'll be a calmer woman in the morning.

 

Tx.

[egalew]

Man, Lady Grey, you sound like me. Any chance we talking (e.g., e-mailing) away from this site? Happy to provide an e-mail.

[egalew]

You can e-mail me at [email protected]. Looking forward to "chatting."

[MissBee]

He was highly intelligent. High IQ. Taught at an Ivy League college.

 

Though he looked like a middle-aged grandpa, he could be incredibly charming, making you feel like the most beautiful, sexy, attractive woman in the world. He was classic NPP.

 

I am sure he went running back to the wife, love bombing her and telling her everything she wanted to hear.

 

Why the hurt? Why am I so bothered? I feel that the entire year of the "I adore you's" and "we're so alike" was tossed aside with a snap. He used me and my daughter to stroke his big, fat ego.

 

Also, as a single mom that works my ass off paying my own bills, it stings knowing he is living it up without a care int he world.

 

I'm hurting and venting tonight. I'll be a calmer woman in the morning.

 

Tx.

 

Gotcha.

 

I think some relationships are where people are mutually using each other and it feels good...until it doesn't.

 

You liked his attention and "I adore yous" and I'm sure his status added to that boost to your own ego. It happens. And he used you too. It wasn't an authentic relationship built on mutual love, care, respect and understanding...but seems like two people liking the ego stroke and attention from each other.

 

I'm really sorry for all you're feeling and it's good to be angry! Focus on you and your daughter and only bringing men into your lives who are healthy...don't get sucked in with ILYs and flattery. If he is married and cheating, run, don't walk.

[whichwayisup]

I confirmed what I suspected: exMM went back to the wife. When we parted the divorce papers were drawn and it was simply a matter of him signing.

 

Second marriage for both. No kids. And pretty much living separate lives. She the angry mommy, denying him sex, and he the naughty little boy.

 

She had met him when he was flat broke, and he quickly became addicted to the "lifestyle." When he left and discovered how much an electric and phone bill actually were, he panic.

 

She found thousands of texts, e-mails and pictures of us. I suspect there were a lot of other women and that he had been prowling around on the internet for years.

 

What happens now? How does a chronic cheat reform himself? How can she look at him, much less have sex with him?

 

Who cares really? Whatever it is, isn't over between them. They must love each other on some level, enough to not want to D and give their marriage another chance.

 

Remember though, you've only heard one side, his side of things so chances are high he's exaggerated and made her out to be bad guy in most of this.

[whichwayisup]

Thanks, Lady for getting it. Why do you think your exMM went back? Did you hear from him again?

 

I go back and forth between hurt and anger to thinking he's a weak, colossal, lying loser.

 

He is. And just be glad you don't have to deal with him anymore. You get to go on, fresh start and meet someone else who isn't so dickish.

[egalew]

Thanks, Miss Bee and Which. He aggressively pursued me, showing up at my apartment at all hours.

 

I need to hear this stuff. I am venting tonight, allowing it to work it's way through me. I'll be better in the a.m.

[AnotherRound]

Thanks, Miss Bee and Which. He aggressively pursued me, showing up at my apartment at all hours.

 

I need to hear this stuff. I am venting tonight, allowing it to work it's way through me. I'll be better in the a.m.

 

Processing is good... it will all sort out in the end. I'm glad that you are thinking through it and talking about it - sometimes, just thinking about things, and maybe even sleeping on it for a night, makes it all so much clearer.

[MissBee]

Thanks, Miss Bee and Which. He aggressively pursued me, showing up at my apartment at all hours.

I need to hear this stuff. I am venting tonight, allowing it to work it's way through me. I'll be better in the a.m.

 

Wow...that should have been a red flag.

 

In any case, for whatever reason, which you can ponder for yourself, you allowed him in instead of finding him creepy...and I'm sure once you process it all, you'll learn a lot and be stronger for it.

[egalew]

Thanks for pointing it out. But, yup, he was a tad bit obsessed with me, or he like to say, "I adore you!"

[egalew]

Yup. I am very familiar with Natalie and Baggage Reclaim. She calls it as it is. Great stuff.

 

And yes if I ever, ever, ever see another married man coming, I'm running for the hills.