Did/does the BS blame YOU?

[Silly_Girl]

If there has been a d-day, or your MM confessed, do you find the BS blames you for the affair? Or blames you for the MM's behaviour?

 

In my situation there was a period where he and she <lived> together but she knew of my existence and knew his evenings/weekends were being spent with me. She wanted to maintain the status quo of the marriage - I refuse the use the term 'reconcile' because it's not what I would consider true reconciliation and I think the BSs who have put tremendous effort in to their infidelity-affected marriages would agree.

 

His wife thought I was 'making him' do things or take certain decisions. For example she wanted to mark their wedding anniversary but the nearest weekend also was important to us and we had plans, she immediately assumed I had emotionally manipulated him. There were many instances of this. When talking about his feelings and lack of interest in staying she assumed it was about me when actually it was always possible that being on his own was an option and funnily enough is what eventually the outcome was after we'd spent a year together.

 

Are any of you being blamed for your MM/MW's feelings/actions?

Edited March 25, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[LFH]

It hasn't come up. I expect to be of course, I'll be pleasantly shocked if that doesn't happen. I think in some respects it's probably a defense mechanism.

 

I don't know though, I don't have a lot of experience with it.

Did you struggle with that SG?

I'm hot-headed I don't know how I'll react if that happens.

[stevie_23]

I wouldn’t know since I don’t know what happened after the 4 D-days my ex-MM and I had during our 2 years together.

 

After the 3rd D-day she wrote to me herself, telling me no “fantasy wife” would get in the way of their marriage. I assume she thought I was a fantasy and trying to be with him in some unrealistic way (which of course was completely true, lol) and I think she kind of felt I was this little annoyance trying to come between them, but he was the one she had to keep a constant eye on.

[MissBee]

She and I never interacted and there was no dday that I was a part of, so nothing like that occurred.

 

I didn't think too much about ddays and her reaction or about her back then, so can't even honestly make a prediction about how she might have reacted, as I don't know enough about her and her personality to guess. But the point is: no I didn't get blamed.

[Silly_Girl]

It hasn't come up. I expect to be of course, I'll be pleasantly shocked if that doesn't happen. I think in some respects it's probably a defense mechanism.

 

I don't know though, I don't have a lot of experience with it.

Did you struggle with that SG?

I'm hot-headed I don't know how I'll react if that happens.

 

It pissed me off at first, I'm also hot-headed

 

But when I stepped back and looked at how very differently she and I 'do' relationships I saw she needed to think that way and I found it even a little amusing in the end because it just seemed daft.

[AnotherRound]

I think initially exMMs exW blamed me, but as time went on, I think she realized it had a lot more to do with them (the demise of their marriage) than it did me. She has never confronted me, even when I called him and she answered his phone - she just handed the phone over to him without a word to me. She would be passive-aggressive with him at times regarding me, but never really blaming me.

 

I think that she realized that it wasn't me that ended their marriage. As, she had been unhappy for the same amount of time that he had - ever since their first child was born. That was when she decided to stop prioritizing their relationship at all and put all of her energy into her relationship with the baby. She still uses that as an excuse and neither of their kids are anywhere near babies anymore - but I think honestly that she just couldn't handle being a wife and a mother. It was just too much for her, so she chose mother and then their marriage was dead. I know it happens to many couples - but I also know many couples who successfully navigate this - so, I think it's a priority issue in a lot of ways.

 

Anyway, I don't know if she blames me now. She hasn't said a word about me to anyone else that I know of - at least, nothing has come back to me in that way. And even if she had blamed me - it wouldn't have made it true that it was my fault the marriage ended - bc the real reason it ended is pretty clear for anyone to see, and it was long before I came into the picture.

 

And, had she called me and blamed me, I would have simply told her as much. I think that she resigned herself long ago to the fact that they were no longer in love and accepted the fact that he loved me.

[Silly_Girl]

I wouldn’t know since I don’t know what happened after the 4 D-days my ex-MM and I had during our 2 years together.

 

Crikey, you had 4 d-days but you don't know what happened? Did you and he never discuss that stuff? That seems so alien to me.

[AnotherRound]

It pissed me off at first, I'm also hot-headed

 

But when I stepped back and looked at how very differently she and I 'do' relationships I saw she needed to think that way and I found it even a little amusing in the end because it just seemed daft.

 

I think it is a defense mechanism that some people need to use bc they don't have the coping skills needed to handle strong emotions and disappointment in their lives. I think that they turn to blaming someone that they don't care about bc they haven't figured out that life has dichotomies, that they probably live in that black/white world where everything is one or the other.

 

I honestly don't know how people live like that - as it is devoid of a lot of critical thinking. Kind of like - just living in either/or world - which is just not the way the world works. I can imagine it's a hard way to live, as many things wouldn't make sense and would seem like the end of the world, when in reality, nothing is the end of the world except death. That's the only true either/or really - life/death. Maybe pregnant/not pregnant... but as far as life in general and emotions? Yeah, a LOT of gray...

 

Using a defense mechanism to avoid reality is a dysfunctional coping skill - and it may work short term, but long term, the truth will come crashing down. It always does.

[LFH]

Crikey, you had 4 d-days but you don't know what happened? Did you and he never discuss that stuff? That seems so alien to me.

 

Totally OT.

Whenever anyone says Crikey, I think of Hagrid's line from Harry Potter

"Crikey I'd like a dragon"

 

 

Ok, carry on.

[stevie_23]

Crikey, you had 4 d-days but you don't know what happened? Did you and he never discuss that stuff? That seems so alien to me.

 

Uh, yes. We discussed everything, but he always told me THEY never discussed it. From what I know (based on what he told me), she merely took away the tools he used to be with me. Phone, laptop, internet connection. Then nothing further was talked about.

[Lillyfree]

From what I know (based on what he told me), she merely took away the tools he used to be with me. Phone, laptop, internet connection. Then nothing further was talked about.

 

see... that sort of thing is just ridiculous... and something i couldn't deal with when it came to OM.

ffs, he's a grown man! and his wife is taking away his laptop and internet connection like he broke the neighbour's window with his slingshot or something.

 

every time OM said something like that i'd think 'you're in your late 30s.' just one more reason why i couldn't really keep pretending to respect him.

[stevie_23]

see... that sort of thing is just ridiculous... and something i couldn't deal with when it came to OM.

ffs, he's a grown man! and his wife is taking away his laptop and internet connection like he broke the neighbour's window with his slingshot or something.

 

every time OM said something like that i'd think 'you're in your late 30s.' just one more reason why i couldn't really keep pretending to respect him.

 

Nah, she took them away after the 2nd D-day out of a sort of shock and control reaction. I don’t blame her. He got them back the next day cause he needed them for work. She gave them back of course. They apparently didn’t discuss it again.

 

I DID respect my ex-MM even though yes indeedy, he was a 60 year old man with a 50 year old wife (although they weren’t married at that stage) who took away his toys. Lol.

 

It used to astound me how they never discussed any of it though. WHY he did what he did. HOW he felt. How SHE felt. What they should DO about it. Nothing. (apparently)

[Poppy fields]

My BW saw me as a threat to her marriage, I was, and took steps to shame me into staying away from the relationship. I was very young and didn't want to be mixed up in this drama any longer. So, we ended things.

[AnotherRound]

Stevie.........I say this gently. You don't really know any better than I do what was said and what was not. I can't believe that any woman would just stick her head in the sand and not be angry enough to talk about it. Does that sound reasonable to you? Would you do that? I'd be mad as hell, and damn skippy he'd know about it and normally the mm lies and minimizes it. If they didn't talk about it, do you really think she'd just hand over his stuff, without a promise from him that it wouldn't happen again?? How would you behave, just take away some ones stuff, with no arguing? And him, would he just hand it over without discussion? Think logic here.

 

Side note.........I hope you are doing better. :)

 

I agree - most women would not do this, but it happens more than we as women like to admit I think. Not for shame for ourselves, for out of shame for them for doing so. I know that this behavior is extremely common with conflict avoidant folks - and that happens to be women a lot of time.

 

I too am always pretty sad to see any woman behave that way.

 

As far as taking someone's stuff - wth is that? Again, people trying to control someone else... such a waste of time and energy and just really comes off as childish and posturing (as he got his stuff back the next day, lol, so pointless). I mean - what was she going to do? Be next to him 24/7 for the rest of his life to assure he was not using anything electronic? Ridiculous.

[cocorico]

If there has been a d-day, or your MM confessed, do you find the BS blames you for the affair? Or blames you for the MM's behaviour?

 

 

Oh yes. I "destroyed her M" and "gave him ideas about himself".

[Got it]

If there has been a d-day, or your MM confessed, do you find the BS blames you for the affair? Or blames you for the MM's behaviour?

 

In my situation there was a period where he and she loved together but she knew of my existence and knew his evenings/weekends were being spent with me. She wanted to maintain the status quo of the marriage - I refuse the use the term 'reconcile' because it's not what I would consider true reconciliation and I think the BSs who have put tremendous effort in to their infidelity-affected marriages would agree.

 

His wife thought I was 'making him' do things or take certain decisions. For example she wanted to mark their wedding anniversary but the nearest weekend also was important to us and we had plans, she immediately assumed I had emotionally manipulated him. There were many instances of this. When talking about his feelings and lack of interest in staying she assumed it was about me when actually it was always possible that being on his own was an option and funnily enough is what eventually the outcome was after we'd spent a year together.

 

Are any of you being blamed for your MM/MW's feelings/actions?

 

Yes, into separation/divorce I have been blamed for actions on dMM's part. Even something this weekend caused that to come up again. Almost every conflicting interaction, decision, or event is viewed through that lens. So if any opposing decisions with the kids are made, like what expenses to cover for an adult child, is viewed that it is because of me.

 

It is what it is.

[LFH]

Stevie.........I say this gently. You don't really know any better than I do what was said and what was not. I can't believe that any woman would just stick her head in the sand and not be angry enough to talk about it. Does that sound reasonable to you? Would you do that? I'd be mad as hell, and damn skippy he'd know about it and normally the mm lies and minimizes it. If they didn't talk about it, do you really think she'd just hand over his stuff, without a promise from him that it wouldn't happen again?? How would you behave, just take away some ones stuff, with no arguing? And him, would he just hand it over without discussion? Think logic here.

 

Side note.........I hope you are doing better. :)

 

One thing that I find myself constantly having to remind myself is that just because I wouldn't address something in a certain way, react to certain things or or because I woudln't act in a specific way doesn't mean others act in any way even slightly similiar.

 

It's really hard to do. It's probably my biggest struggle.

[Silly_Girl]

Yes, into separation/divorce I have been blamed for actions on dMM's part. Even something this weekend caused that to come up again. Almost every conflicting interaction, decision, or event is viewed through that lens. So if any opposing decisions with the kids are made, like what expenses to cover for an adult child, is viewed that it is because of me.

 

It is what it is.

 

That sounds exhausting and not constructive on any level for any of the parties involved

[cocorico]

Yes, into separation/divorce I have been blamed for actions on dMM's part. Even something this weekend caused that to come up again. Almost every conflicting interaction, decision, or event is viewed through that lens. So if any opposing decisions with the kids are made, like what expenses to cover for an adult child, is viewed that it is because of me.

 

It is what it is.

 

Oh yes, I got a fair bit of that too. When she tried to lay claim to his just-dead father's estate and _her own_ lawyer told her that that was in bad taste, and outside what she had any right to claim, she blamed me "for making (late father-in-law) hate her" so that she was not expressly provided for in the will. When she demanded that he keep paying the bond on the house in which she continued to live, rent free, until he bought her out as part of the D settlement, as well as paying his and the kids' rent, and all his and the kids' living expenses, and still contribute several hundred quid a month to a discretionary account so that she could "maintain" the house, and his and her lawyers both felt that was unfair, she blamed me "for being an undue drain on his income" (even though I was supporting myself). When he generously decided to accept a mid-point between the pre-crash value of the house, and the current market value, as the value against which to calculate the sum he'd buy her share of the house out for, despite the fact that she'd be buying a new place at the crashed market value, and he'd only be getting the crashed market value for his father's house, she blamed me "for changing his mind" after she'd tried to bully him into paying on the basis of the historic, inflated value and he'd been advised by his lawyer and hers to stick to the lower, current market value as that was fair for all.

 

It would be nice if it stopped with the D, but it didn't. A compatriot of mine, and mutual friend of my H and mine, got a senior position at the organisation she (then) worked for. At around the same time, her section was "right sized" and her hours were cut dramatically. This, too, was my fault, since I "encouraged him to apply knowing his qualifications and CV would make him irresistible to them, necessitating cuts elsewhere". I had no idea I had that kind of remote influence on the budgetary strategy of an organisation I'd never had any dealings with! Oh, and, after she bullied one of the kids into enrolling for the last-choice programme, that we'd cautioned against (especially as the first choice had such excellent reviews) and it turned out to be Mickey Mouse and the kid then decided to drop out and reapply for the other, first choice, programme again the next year, that was also my fault, for supporting the first choice programme and "forcing" her to support the weaker one! Can you believe she actually admitted that she messed around with her own kid's future simply because she did not want to be seen to agree with me on anything???

[Got it]

Cocorio - Yikes!

 

My situation isn't as bad but you are right, even after the divorce it doesn't get a whole lot better (at least for me I haven't seen it). But I warned dMM at the beginning about this outcome if a dday happened and I was found out about. It has basically been said that my salary should go to cover their items. Okay. I don't agree but I have no issues with idea thrown out there and I am not legally obligated to do so.

 

As the kids all become adults and get older this will get less and less. I can see the money issues from both sides, I see where they both can give and take more, etc. I get her animosity. I don't think it is necessarily doing her any good at this point but it is her right and freedom to live her life the way she chooses. Just like we/he/I will do the same. Hopefully compromises can be reach, sometimes some comments need to just be ignored , etc.

 

It is what it is.