Player friend needs a lesson

[eleonor]

I do not know if I am making my situation more complicated than it should be, but here is the back story.

 

I had planned a trip for Christmas back to a state I lived in for a year. I had made good friends, had fun etc. Last fall, when I had already moved back to where I live now, one of my friends and I started developing our friendship, and by the time I was supposed to fly back, I knew something was going to happen between us. I stayed in his apartment, and we had sex multiple times. I did not want our friends to know, and he was ok with it. He had broken up with his girlfriend during the fall. I have to admit that I knew about his reputation as a ladies man, and frankly I did not care. I was sexually attracted to him, as he was to me.

 

During my stay he acted very romantic, said sweet things, we cuddled, had dinner together; it was like we were dating. I, of course, was flattered, but did not know how to react. I did respond, but didn't go as far as he did. All I honestly was looking for was physical action. I should have told him back then to cut to the chase, not go through all the romantic things we did. Knowing his reputation I did not fall for him - he says the same things to all of the girls! I do not care if he played me. I wasn't completely innocent with my intentions either.

 

Now I have learned that he is playing one of my friends back there. I decided that something needs to be done - he can't go on like this. He got back together with his girlfriend, but is still flirting with others. My problems are as follows:

 

1. How do I find out if our friendship is real or if he was just keeping in touch knowing I would come back and we would get together? I want to know this because even if I don't care if our friendship gets ruined in all this (if he really is a bad guy), it does have an impact on whether or not he is willing to listen to me and if my opinion has a meaning.

 

2. How should I approach him on this matter? I have the following ways in my mind:

- Just going straight to him about it. Be friendly but strict, try to make him realize the aftermath of his actions. Here our friendship comes in: if it doesn't matter to him, he will not listen or take note of my words

- Go harsh on him: appear mad (which I am because of my friends) and tell him in a more "aggressive" way what I think (we have never fought, so this might be a shock but effective). Again, if he doesn't care, he will not take note of my words

- Make him have a taste of his own medicine. Definitely NOT taking revenge, but I feel like talking isn't a way strong enough. This is a very tempting option, but so far I have no idea how to do it.

 

Little background information: he does not know I know he and his girlfriend are back together, and sometimes when we talk/message he will say something that appears very suggesting. He never talks about other people he is/might be attracted to, unlike I do (this is one way I am trying to subtly note to him that I am not as keen to him as he may think), and this makes me think he thinks he is winning - that I truly do believe he only sees me. I really do like him as a friend, but I'm tired of him trying to play me. I don't want to believe he would be a bad guy, but lately I have started to think otherwise.

 

I am sorry if all this is badly explained, but I really hope someone could help me. Maybe you have had a similar kind of a situation, or you have been a player, but something made you realize the effects of your actions. I'm also open to other suggestions - maybe just end the friendship and forget about him? He has hurt my friend, tho.

[will1988]

 

1. How do I find out if our friendship is real or if he was just keeping in touch knowing I would come back and we would get together? I want to know this because even if I don't care if our friendship gets ruined in all this (if he really is a bad guy), it does have an impact on whether or not he is willing to listen to me and if my opinion has a meaning.

 

obviously he is a player. He used you as a booty call. The question is, can you move forward from being a booty call to just being friends (without sexual interaction), even if he still wants you to be an out-of-state booty call? If you don't care to lose him as a friend, your best bet is to just move on... see if he contacts you after a while.

 

2. How should I approach him on this matter? I have the following ways in my mind:

None of the above. You should just move on. Chalk it up as a lesson learned and a mistake. Be the better person... just walk away, and go down your own life path. However, maybe you should warn the current girl friend of his that he is trying to get with you and others.

 

 

my response to your questions are in bold/italics

[Standard-Fare]

I think you kind of contradict yourself here. You say you didn't fall for him, imply that you were both using each other for sex with no strings attached.

 

If that's the really the case, you shouldn't feel much beyond mild annoyance at his "player" behavior. You would be able to just shake your head "tsk tsk" at his actions and move on.

 

So are your emotions more involved in this than you're saying?

 

Even if they are, I don't see what could be gained by an intervention or call-out or revenge. It sounds like he's pretty set in his ways as a player. Probably the only thing that could change that would be the wake-up call of getting his heart broken by a woman he actually truly cares about, who can't take his bullsh*t. From what you've described here, it sounds like that woman would never be you.

[Emilia]

Now I have learned that he is playing one of my friends back there. I decided that something needs to be done - he can't go on like this. He got back together with his girlfriend, but is still flirting with others. My problems are as follows:

 

[....]

 

Maybe you have had a similar kind of a situation, or you have been a player, but something made you realize the effects of your actions. I'm also open to other suggestions - maybe just end the friendship and forget about him? He has hurt my friend, tho.

 

? If you don't like him, dump him. It sounds to me that your friend already knows what he is like so there is no need to talk to anyone about this? You are not his mother nor his wife. Just move on

[Keenly]

Its not your business. Don't be a buttinsky

[pcplod]

The only relationship that is your business is your own. You want justice but won't recognise it as something as straight-forward as that, but it is.

 

You knew what the ground-rules were going in. In fact those were the rules that you preferred going in. But now something has changed and you want to unilaterally changes the rules. And if you can't have them changed to your taste then you are going to cause absolute mayhem. Even involve friends who maybe would prefer not to be involved, who may prefer to look after themselves. That is pretty self-destructive stuff. Sitting back, do you actually like the sound of all this?

 

Why not, as an alternative, simply walk away? It means that you go out with a whimper rather than an almighty foundation-shaking explosion, but that might not turn out the way you imagine anyway, so the whimper option, quietly slipping out the stage back door, may well be the best for you long term. It is amazing how resilient the human spirit can be, given enough time to recover.

[stillafool]

I'm sure your other friend who is getting involved with this guy knows he's a player just as you did but she is sexually attracted to him also and wants a piece. You've had your fun with him so stop trying to teach him a lesson because it isn't your job. He has a gf so he is just using the rest of you as FWBs. You should move on before you fall for him (which I suspect you already have) and get hurt.