Possibly a road back?

[Coping Vortex]

Background....

 

 

 

Here is what you know / have said about your Ex:

 

 

 

Why do you want someone back who cannot offer you a thing?

 

 

 

Why do you want someone who will cheat and lie to you?

 

 

 

What about you makes you think you deserve and are only good enough for "fixer uppers" / "trainwrecks" like her?

 

 

 

Is that really the best you think you can do?

 

Yes she out of the house. Her divorced wasn't finalized papers hadnt gone through until much later.

 

So we did not have an affair in respect her still having a real relationship with her ex. She was separated. In fact she went back to him several times and we had NC she only contracted me after she left again.

 

I know her and I have been through many many relationships in my life. She is a great person deep down inside. She is just confused and scared at times. I don't think she does anything out of outright manipulation. Is she a saint? No but she a great person deep down inside basically. I think she just got caught up in a lot of confusing emotions. Love will make you do things you don't normally do. I think with stability in her life she will be very faithful I think she is struggling with her feelings right now. I';m sure she feels a sense of loyalty to her new BF but I also know there are needs that are not being met in that relationships so that is why she maybe reaching out to me.

 

The crime here is that if we never BU we could have had it all. Now its become a ball of confusion and feelings. she craves the intensity our relationship had. In the end I'm sure she will stay with him. Its easier now than try to start over. We'll see our way through it. I guess we just weren't ready to fully let go. But I know we are getting there. I will admit that yes we are both codependent. We had a very intense relationship. I know she is confused by the new one as it is not as intense as ours. I think that is what is giving her pause for concern right now.

[Coping Vortex]

I didn't say make her wait. I said NC is essential for each person to step back and evaluate why things went wrong, what they need to work on to heal and evolve, what they want moving forward -- it has absolutely nothing to do with waiting out or punishing the other person. You have to take a step back and reset your emotions -- you never did this. You might have gone NC, but you didn't do anything remotely constructive while you were going NC. That's why you keep snapping back into this limbo, that's why you have no real plan or focus, that's why you aren't able to establish boundaries with your ex, that's why you keep spinning your inappropriate behavior in response to her inappropriate behavior, that's why you are a broken record. If for whatever reason you actually get back together with this woman, I guarantee you'll find yourself back in this situation.

 

There's a difference between communicating just to stay around and communicating with a levelheaded purpose. You are communicating with no perspective, you are communicating out of fear/desperation/false hope/anxiety/etc. Take your pick, all either fit now or have in the past. You haven't stepped back at all.

 

There isn't an official timeline. I never mentioned one. You were the one who mentioned the amount of time you were broken up, not me.

 

You said four months was not enough time to be a part. We took time to look at the relationship. Our wild emotions have calmed down now. We know what would fix the relationship. The issue now is that she is caught in the new relationship. She is comfortable and secure. We aren't rushing anything we are talking it causally. In fact I have not heard from her at all today. Might now for awhile. No one is rushing anything here.

[Mcnulty]

My ex left me for my friend, I kept my dignity, posted on here and LISTENED to the advice, strict silence, respected the fact that the twat had who i thought was the love of my life....11 months later, the idiot emailed me thinking he could be my friend asking for advice on their relationship...they ended, he was nuts.

 

Fast forward 14 months...She is in my life, pushing now, for a reconcilliation...aint gonna happen, you know why? Soiled goods..breaks my heart, but life has these tricks....my message is this....you want her back...you will never get her back being the other guy...but if you go NC, respect their, in your eyes inept affair and you never know, it may go tits up!

[Simon Phoenix]

You said four months was not enough time to be a part. We took time to look at the relationship. Our wild emotions have calmed down now. We know what would fix the relationship. The issue now is that she is caught in the new relationship. She is comfortable and secure. We aren't rushing anything we are talking it causally. In fact I have not heard from her at all today. Might now for awhile. No one is rushing anything here.

 

I said it was a drop in the bucket. And you haven't stepped back at all -- you were pressuring her to meet and trying to coerce her before. I'm sorry dude, I don't really trust your judgment on any of this.

[veggirl]

Dude you are now her "ex husband" in that she went back and forth with him and you before choosing you....now she'll go back and forth with you and the new guy before choosing him.

 

You really don't see her pattern?

 

She sounds like a friggin trainwreck and yes you do sound like a fixer upper which indicates very low self-esteem/respect on your part. Not a single one of your posts about her have ever made her sound like any type of prize to be won, she sounds crazy and frankly like she is about 18 or something.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Csn someone please close this thread because it's going nowhere. He is calling people out like a troll and refuses to actually listen to advice unless it agrees and when it doesn't, he stats bashing them. Again, it's going nowhere. Some people on here actually need relationship help.

[Wabisabi]

For the record she BU with me. She is seriously dating someone new. She is the one not being honest with her BF. yet I am the one getting flamed LOLOLOL!!! You really crack me up!!!!!

 

Sounds like someone hurt you bad. You need to address these innate issues with the person that did you wrong and deal with whatever issues have stemmed from your loss of touch with reality.

 

You seem very upset by my posts. Maybe you need to take a rest from here and go live in the real world and get some help. The thing is its not your life. You rambled your rantings now you can go back into your hole.

 

Oh just remember not to IMAGINE LOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!

Wow...that's just plain rude.

Then maybe you should. And quick. You seem to be having a melt down. And you know what the great thing is? Its my life not yours!!!! So If I want to screw it up or do whats right for me then that's what I will do. You worry about yourself.

And now you're immature too. You may not see this yet but one day(I hope soon) you'll realize he's just trying to help you. Same goes to everyone else who replied you. But your mind is so warped now you see everyone going against you. Why post on a public forum asking for opinions only to bash them when they don't speak what you wanna hear?

 

Keep building castles higher and higher in the sky and you'll fall harder. Hopefully then, you'll truly understand and get what everyone's telling you here.

[cavalier99]

Coping..I still say you need to go complete NC. If you can do this for like 6 months youll get some perspective on this. Maaan this one has been really tough for you to let go. Im sure you feel somewhat better but your goal really needs to be indifference NOT getting back. Cav

[Mayfare]

Not to jump in on a thread that's going nowhere, but I feel obligated to chime in and clarify what the "masses" are doing...

 

It is not the norm for a relationship to end because one person found someone better. A relationship ends because one person (or both) feels they are happier without the other, not because they found a third person that makes them go from happy to happier. That wouldn't make sense. If you are happy in a relationship, you stay in it and don't keep looking. If you are unhappy in a relationship, you end it, you don't stay in it until something better comes along.

 

None of my relationships have ever ended because another person came along. My relationships have all ended because single was better than together, at least in the long run. Then, when one can be happy being single, they can enter another relationship later on, usually much later on. If I was with someone that was still looking for someone "better" while they were with me, I would consider that cheating.

[Sheilalou008]

Not to jump in on a thread that's going nowhere, but I feel obligated to chime in and clarify what the "masses" are doing...

 

It is not the norm for a relationship to end because one person found someone better. A relationship ends because one person (or both) feels they are happier without the other, not because they found a third person that makes them go from happy to happier. That wouldn't make sense. If you are happy in a relationship, you stay in it and don't keep looking. If you are unhappy in a relationship, you end it, you don't stay in it until something better comes along.

 

None of my relationships have ever ended because another person came along. My relationships have all ended because single was better than together, at least in the long run. Then, when one can be happy being single, they can enter another relationship later on, usually much later on. If I was with someone that was still looking for someone "better" while they were with me, I would consider that cheating.

 

I agree 100% with this. All of mine hurt like hell but not cus there was a third person or someone better. I think that usually dictates lack of maturity, self esteem or just flat out disrespect for the other person. When relationships end it is hard enough as it is without making it messier.

 

I have read this whole thread and I just can't...

[big bear]

Dude, stop this attitude. I was YOU. + I was compounded by feelings of guilt and what not. I spent a year in self-pity and remorse.

 

Finally, when I went NC I realized a lot of things.

 

And what I realized was there is nothing you can do. Don't bloody your hands trying to put together the broken vase (irrespective of who broke it) .

 

Ayn Rand once said before saying I love you, make sure that the "I" is complete.

 

Complete the "I".

 

And stop looking for love. Start doing things you love. Love will come around.

[calgary]

i get bashed a lot on this website.. i'm not great with advice so i don't really post on other peoples threads much because my opinion differs so much from other peoples..

 

But for what it's worth here it is.

 

I think you sound like a really overly decent human being.. with too many good qualities to offer.. you want to give all you have to a person who wants to take as much as they can get from you aswell as , as much as she can get from somebody else.

 

I think you're right.. if she's texting her ex she can't be too happy with her relationship that's such a valid point, i don't know why other people can't see that on this site? if i was with a new girl and still texting my ex.. it would be because i'm not over my ex.. i wouldn't jeopardise my current relationship with a girl i'm madly in love with.. just to keep my ex in my life.. especially an ex that i'm flirting with and talking about sex still with.. if the current girl i like saw the message on my phone she would end the relationship immediately... because i know if i found out the girl i liked was still flirting with her ex i would probably lose all interest in her.. i'd probably lose interest in her if she was texting other guys let alone her ex..

 

But like many other posters on this thread have suggested.. if she's doing this with him.. maybe she was doing it with you ? maybe if it ever did work out between you both she'd do this behind your back with him?

 

which is where i can relate at this point. i'm just like you, struggling to accept reality.. my ex is with another guy.. they'll probably together cuddled up on a night whilst i'm alone and it hurts like crazy, i feel your pain 110% and it hurts when people tell you to just move on because it's not that simple.

 

i just feel like you'd be the same as me. how could you ever cuddle her to sleep again knowing she'd cuddled up to another guy at one point because she'd have rather been with him than you ? every time her phone beeped how could you not think she was flirting with her ex? you'll then look paranoid and distant and she'll probably find you the jealous type even though you've every reason to feel that way... and then she'll leave you again for somebody else.. and you'll be left on ls until she realizes she misses you and the process starts all over..

 

from where i stand.. she doesn't seem worthy of you. i suppose people see that from my threads, people see that what i'm telling you i should be telling myself.

 

these girls are no good for us and deep down logically you know you don't deserve this for the effort you put in.. but in your heart you can't comprehend how she can't appreciate you. i get it.

I think i do anyway.

 

one day i guarantee they'll break up and she'll be in touch. i personally wouldn't get involved as tempting as it might be. don't start another relationship with her. i'll probably get bashed for this post as like i said i'm no good at advice and my opinion seems to differ completely from others on this site.

[Coping Vortex]

i get bashed a lot on this website.. i'm not great with advice so i don't really post on other peoples threads much because my opinion differs so much from other peoples..

 

But for what it's worth here it is.

 

I think you sound like a really overly decent human being.. with too many good qualities to offer.. you want to give all you have to a person who wants to take as much as they can get from you aswell as , as much as she can get from somebody else.

 

I think you're right.. if she's texting her ex she can't be too happy with her relationship that's such a valid point, i don't know why other people can't see that on this site? if i was with a new girl and still texting my ex.. it would be because i'm not over my ex.. i wouldn't jeopardise my current relationship with a girl i'm madly in love with.. just to keep my ex in my life.. especially an ex that i'm flirting with and talking about sex still with.. if the current girl i like saw the message on my phone she would end the relationship immediately... because i know if i found out the girl i liked was still flirting with her ex i would probably lose all interest in her.. i'd probably lose interest in her if she was texting other guys let alone her ex..

 

But like many other posters on this thread have suggested.. if she's doing this with him.. maybe she was doing it with you ? maybe if it ever did work out between you both she'd do this behind your back with him?

 

which is where i can relate at this point. i'm just like you, struggling to accept reality.. my ex is with another guy.. they'll probably together cuddled up on a night whilst i'm alone and it hurts like crazy, i feel your pain 110% and it hurts when people tell you to just move on because it's not that simple.

 

i just feel like you'd be the same as me. how could you ever cuddle her to sleep again knowing she'd cuddled up to another guy at one point because she'd have rather been with him than you ? every time her phone beeped how could you not think she was flirting with her ex? you'll then look paranoid and distant and she'll probably find you the jealous type even though you've every reason to feel that way... and then she'll leave you again for somebody else.. and you'll be left on ls until she realizes she misses you and the process starts all over..

 

from where i stand.. she doesn't seem worthy of you. i suppose people see that from my threads, people see that what i'm telling you i should be telling myself.

 

these girls are no good for us and deep down logically you know you don't deserve this for the effort you put in.. but in your heart you can't comprehend how she can't appreciate you. i get it.

I think i do anyway.

 

one day i guarantee they'll break up and she'll be in touch. i personally wouldn't get involved as tempting as it might be. don't start another relationship with her. i'll probably get bashed for this post as like i said i'm no good at advice and my opinion seems to differ completely from others on this site.

 

I think you stated how I feel to the tee. However.....there has been a major development. Go check out my latest posts.

[siankat]

Not to jump in on a thread that's going nowhere, but I feel obligated to chime in and clarify what the "masses" are doing...

 

It is not the norm for a relationship to end because one person found someone better. A relationship ends because one person (or both) feels they are happier without the other, not because they found a third person that makes them go from happy to happier. That wouldn't make sense. If you are happy in a relationship, you stay in it and don't keep looking. If you are unhappy in a relationship, you end it, you don't stay in it until something better comes along.

 

None of my relationships have ever ended because another person came along. My relationships have all ended because single was better than together, at least in the long run. Then, when one can be happy being single, they can enter another relationship later on, usually much later on. If I was with someone that was still looking for someone "better" while they were with me, I would consider that cheating.

 

Word for word