I struck my husband

[CarboniteCammy]

This post is really hard for me to write. There’s no way I can get out of sounding like a monster. But, maybe that’s what I am.

 

My husband and I had a really bad weekend. It was full of frustration and fighting and I struck him. There, I said it. It also hasn’t been the first time that I’ve done that. I need help and I know it. The thing is, I think he needs it, too.

 

My husband uses anger to get his way even if he’s not really angry. He uses it to make a point and he knows that many times I’ll back down. Sometimes though, I don’t, and I end up getting trapped into an argument that I can’t win and then some thing takes over and I physically strike him. I don’t want to be this way! I swear I’m not this person…but I am

I’ve never hit anyone before I met my husband. I don’t know why I feel so trapped sometimes. The first time I slapped him was the day before Christmas in 2011. We had decided to go out for dinner and had gotten into an argument about his parents, his mom specifically. I won’t go into it, but he told me in the car (when I was three months pregnant) that he would have asked me to marry him the next day if I wasn’t such a b*tch. At that moment, I saw red and I sucker punched him with out thinking. I had never been that angry in my life up to that point. This past weekend, my husband was gone most of the day on Saturday. I was sick, but stayed at home with the baby so that he could take a class. When he got home, he praised me for doing so much though I felt bad and made a big deal about wanting to help me and that I should take a load off, etc. He made dinner and made a huge mess in the kitchen. Rice everywhere. Tons of dirty dishes. Then, he took a nap. I woke him up and asked him to clean up his mess, because I didn’t want to have to clean it. He replied he would later then tried to lay back down. The thing is, with my husband, there never is a later. After I badgered him, he angrily got up and stormed into the kitchen and started throwing dishes around and screaming. Then, he threw water on me while screaming in my face and that’s when I hit him. I don’t know what to do. I’m in therapy. I just feel so lost and alone and I know that I’m the one whose wrong. I just feel like somehow I’m being set up to fail and that makes me angry, too!

Edited March 25, 2013 by CarboniteCammy

[whirl3daway]

You know I have nothing but the highest amount of love and respect and admiration for you, Cammy. You are my best friend and I adore you, and I might be biased but I'm going to tell you something that I've been telling you for a year now.

 

You and B need to get divorced. You should never, ever hit someone and that is just a fact. You were in the wrong there, and you should definitely talk about it in therapy and see why you allow yourself to build things up in your head until you can't take it anymore and react in such a volatile way.

 

However, B also treats you like DIRT. He has since the very beginning, and it's never changed. He treats you like a maid and babysitter, and does nothing to nurture your relationship. You take all the responsibility in your relationship for the problems, and he takes absolutely none. What has he done to make you happy in the last 6 months? You don't mention in your post that this is the 2nd weekend in a row where he has slept all day and refused to help you with HIS SON, that he wanted you to have.

 

You also don't mention that he basically does nothing with the baby and nothing with you. He does nothing but sit on his laptop and play video games.

 

I know you are trying to be unbiased in your posts, but you have to be honest about the entire situation. <He's> is not a good partner for you, and maybe he isn't a good partner for anyone. It's impossible for anyone to be in your situation and NOT have blowups like this.

 

The most important thing is that your son is going to grow up emulating this relationship for the rest of his life. That's something that I know you don't want to think about, but you really need to consider. He's learning that this is his normal, and he's going to look for a relationship just like this.

 

I love you. I'm sorry you are hurting. You are NOT a bad person... you made bad decisions when faced in situations of extreme stress and anger. You are only human, and there is only so much nonsense you can take.

Edited March 26, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Poppy fields]

What does your therapist say about your relationship and actions? Does she/he think that a separation until the two of you can get your emotions in check is in order? What do you want to happen?

[Mr. Lucky]

I won’t go into it, but he told me in the car (when I was three months pregnant) that he would have asked me to marry him the next day if I wasn’t such a b*tch. At that moment, I saw red and I sucker punched him with out thinking.

I pulled this out of the context of your post so you can see how inappropriate your response was. Had the roles been reversed, your husband would be in jail !

 

You go on to say that striking him is wrong and yet much of what your post seems to be rationalization for the act. Is this the atmosphere and role modeling you want for your child?

 

You can't control what he says to you. But you are personally responsible for your response. I applaud your decision to seek help...

 

Mr. Lucky

[CarboniteCammy]

He's certainly not as supportive as he could be, that's the truth. Mom says that all men are that way and that even if we did divorce, likely I'd meet someone who made less money and had worse problems.

 

I'm not going to divorce him. It's just not in the cards. He forgave me for this situation and I've forgiven him for his past mistakes.

 

I just don't know what to do regarding the escalating anger issues we have.

 

I don't know how not to feel trapped.

 

I'm always happier and more relaxed when he's gone, but he so rarely goes anywhere or does anything.

 

He just can't admit that he has a temper problem, too. It's always me, my fault, my problem, me apologising...

 

I own my problems.

[Mr. Lucky]

It's impossible for anyone to be in your situation and NOT have blowups like this.

Again, reverse the roles in your post. Her partner is telling the officer "I had to hit her, it's impossible not to". I doubt you or anyone else would be quite so understanding...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Poppy fields]

He's certainly not as supportive as he could be, that's the truth. Mom says that all men are that way and that even if we did divorce, likely I'd meet someone who made less money and had worse problems.

 

I'm not going to divorce him. It's just not in the cards. He forgave me for this situation and I've forgiven him for his past mistakes.

 

I just don't know what to do regarding the escalating anger issues we have.

 

I don't know how not to feel trapped.

 

I'm always happier and more relaxed when he's gone, but he so rarely goes anywhere or does anything.

 

He just can't admit that he has a temper problem, too. It's always me, my fault, my problem, me apologising...

 

I own my problems.

 

I'm sorry, but your Mom is giving you horrible advice. No wonder you feel trapped. I am so sorry.

 

You are not trapped, and you are also capable of being in control of your actions and emotions. Regardless of how your husband behaves. If you intend to stay in this abusive, yes abusive, marriage intense counseling and a major change on both your parts is in order. Without that, things will just remain the status quo and I know you don't want that.

[CarboniteCammy]

I know I was wrong. I am absolutely not trying to defend myself. I was out of control and I am seeking help.

 

And you're right, had the roles been reversed, I'd be in jail.

 

I do need to learn to control myself and to somehow de-escalate the situation before it blows up.

[whirl3daway]

Again, reverse the roles in your post. Her partner is telling the officer "I had to hit her, it's impossible not to". I doubt you or anyone else would be quite so understanding...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

No, that's not what I said. I actually said that her actions were wrong, and striking someone is never acceptable and that she needs to figure out what her issue is. I come from an abusive family, so trust me on that one when I say I'm not biased there.

 

I just am familiar with the situation first hand, and she has been through A LOT. She is constantly stressed. There is only so much the human brain can take without reacting adversely. Her husband is emotionally abusive towards her, and she downplays that in her posts.

[CarboniteCammy]

It's just so ****ing confusing.

 

One day, I'll be the best wife and he loves me and everything's perfect and we're the perfect family...

 

Then, I'll forget to put the drain trap in or clean something up or his work shirts won't have been put away and then it's BAM! FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!

 

And I'm left thinking...what just happened here?

 

Then he sends me a text that's, "<3" and he's fine, but I'm left still upset.

 

Then he complains that I dwell on things too much.

 

It's like he uses his temper to get his way, but he's not really mad? Is that possible?

[whirl3daway]

I know I was wrong. I am absolutely not trying to defend myself. I was out of control and I am seeking help.

 

And you're right, had the roles been reversed, I'd be in jail.

 

I do need to learn to control myself and to somehow de-escalate the situation before it blows up.

 

 

This is the hallmark of an abusive relationship, I think. You only blame yourself for reacting, which you should. However, there's always two sides to this. Where is the blame to your husband? Why is it only up to you to de-escalate the situation?

 

You should tell them all the things he says to you when you don't get time to do the laundry because you've been up with the baby all night.

Edited March 25, 2013 by whirl3daway

[Mr. Lucky]

I just am familiar with the situation first hand, and she has been through A LOT. She is constantly stressed. There is only so much the human brain can take without reacting adversely.

And I'll bet her husband uses the same methodology to support his lashing out at her. "There's only so much I can take before..."

 

It's a one-sided view to say he's the problem. It's the dynamic between the two of them that's faulty...

 

Mr. Lucky

[CarboniteCammy]

I honestly don't know what goes through his brian, Mr. Lucky.

 

I don't know why sometimes things are cool and then sometimes he'll blow up. I don't know why he'll put his foot down about something and then later say he never said those things.

 

I don't know why he never hangs out with his friends, anymore.

 

He doesn't do chores because he says it's mostly my job because I make less then he does and we're working to pay off my student loans. That's why he gets to cherry pick what he wants to do and what he doesn't want to do.

 

Other then that, I have no idea how he works.

 

I feel like I'm never on solid footing.

[whichwayisup]

I know I was wrong. I am absolutely not trying to defend myself. I was out of control and I am seeking help.

 

And you're right, had the roles been reversed, I'd be in jail.

 

I do need to learn to control myself and to somehow de-escalate the situation before it blows up.

 

Glad you are getting help. Is it regular therapy combo anger management?

 

The stuff you are getting angry about though isn't worth getting that angry about...

 

My concern is, this anger and how quick your temper comes and you don't think, just react, how are you going to handle stress and a few sleepless nights, not feeling well and your kid gets on your nerves, pushes you past your limit... Not saying you'll actually strike your child, but fact is, losing it and not thinking and just reacting, not having any control -- It could happen.

[Els]

Responding solely to the content of the opening post, since I don't know your history (although it does surprise me to read whirl's posts, since I recall you making a few posts about how great your husband was about helping you out and such?).

 

A possible tactic to deal with arguments, especially if both of you have anger issues, is to simply take a breather. Go do something by yourselves for a while to give yourselves time to calm down. When and only when that has succeeded, return to talking about the issue in a calm, mature, non-accusatory manner. Nothing can ever be solved in anger; you don't HAVE to argue til everything reaches boiling point.

 

I honestly think the most worrisome part here is where you say "Mom says that all men are that way and that even if we did divorce, likely I'd meet someone who made less money and had worse problems." It's really crappy how society, even those who supposedly love us and care for us, encourages women to marry the first 'tolerable' man they meet just so they can have a husband, any husband. And it seems like that's what is happening here.

 

I don't think 'all men' do absolutely zilch around the house and the kid unless their wife is a SAHM.

[whirl3daway]

(although it does surprise me to read whirl's posts, since I recall you making a few posts about how great your husband was about helping you out and such?).

 

This is her way of dealing with the problems. I am biased of course, but he treats her like dirt. Cammy did not mention clearly that she hit him because he purposefully threw water all over her face because she was upset. She has bronchitis and has been sick and dealing with a sick baby ALONE for the past few months straight. She snapped after dealing with WEEKS of this kind of treatment, and although I made it very clear that what she did was inappropriate, she is very certainly being abused and manipulated.

 

He pushes her and goads her into reacting this way by ignoring what she says, telling her that she is making things up... he told her that he would do whatever he could to keep their child from her if she even thought about trying to get divorced. He does it to make the situation about her behavior, so that she's always MORE wrong than he is, so he never has to change.

 

Cammy is in a very fragile state of mind. She is convinced that everything is her fault, and although some of it certainly is as it takes 2 to tango, she's left out a lot of what makes me react the way I do. He once yelled at her for hours and told her things like that she was incredibly stupid and an idiot for folding laundry wrong. It's unacceptable.

[CarboniteCammy]

You're right, Bent. There are no bones about it.

 

I have demons that I need to deal with and I need to get a handle on my base emotions of which I am not proud. There is alot of pain and there is alot of anger and I did allow myself to lose control.

 

I'm reading a book on anger management right now and I'm also going to delve into anger management therapy with my therapist.

 

No matter who pushes my buttons in whatever ways, I need to have a hold of myself.

 

I'm not going to blame my husband for my actions. It's up to me to own my emotions and deal with them in a healthy manner.

[Keenly]

This is her way of dealing with the problems. I am biased of course, but he treats her like dirt. Cammy did not mention clearly that she hit him because he purposefully threw water all over her face because she was upset. She has bronchitis and has been sick and dealing with a sick baby ALONE for the past few months straight. She snapped after dealing with WEEKS of this kind of treatment, and although I made it very clear that what she did was inappropriate, she is very certainly being abused and manipulated.

 

He pushes her and goads her into reacting this way by ignoring what she says, telling her that she is making things up... he told her that he would do whatever he could to keep their child from her if she even thought about trying to get divorced. He does it to make the situation about her behavior, so that she's always MORE wrong than he is, so he never has to change.

 

Cammy is in a very fragile state of mind. She is convinced that everything is her fault, and although some of it certainly is as it takes 2 to tango, she's left out a lot of what makes me react the way I do. He once yelled at her for hours and told her things like that she was incredibly stupid and an idiot for folding laundry wrong. It's unacceptable.

 

 

 

You realize you are are using the "she asked for it" defense.

 

Stop downplaying the OP's actions. Even SHE admits she was wrong.

[whirl3daway]

You realize you are are using the "she asked for it" defense.

 

Stop downplaying the OP's actions. Even SHE admits she was wrong.

 

 

She was wrong, there's no doubt about it. I just want her to share the whole story.

[Keenly]

She was wrong, there's no doubt about it. I just want her to share the whole story.

 

 

Let her share what she wants to share, its HER story.

[CarboniteCammy]

My marriage has been a hard row to hoe for me in many ways. I won't say anything else but that. My husband has a temper of his own, but will not admit that he has any kind of anger issue.

 

He has to own that before he can make progress. I can't force him to admit that he has a problem, too. But, I can get the help that I need, and maybe by doing that I can make my marriage better.

 

But, the bottom line is that I know I can't just go around hitting people, especially the people I love the most.

 

I snapped and reacted badly and that's that.

 

What I really need help with and why I really posted this thread is to find out how other people deal with situations that make them angry.

 

So, what calming mechanisims do you use when people push red zone buttons?

 

When I ask for space (because I know I'm nearing a breaking point) my husband refuses to give it to me.

 

How can I make it plain that I have to have that cool down time?

[whirl3daway]

Let her share what she wants to share, its HER story.

 

You are right. I will back off. It is her decision ultimately, and I just want her to stop hurting.

[Mr. Lucky]

Cammy is in a very fragile state of mind. She is convinced that everything is her fault, and although some of it certainly is as it takes 2 to tango, she's left out a lot of what makes me react the way I do. He once yelled at her for hours and told her things like that she was incredibly stupid and an idiot for folding laundry wrong. It's unacceptable.

Here's a paragraph from the OP's first post:

 

"This past weekend, my husband was gone most of the day on Saturday. I was sick, but stayed at home with the baby so that he could take a class. When he got home, he praised me for doing so much though I felt bad and made a big deal about wanting to help me and that I should take a load off, etc. He made dinner and made a huge mess in the kitchen. Rice everywhere. Tons of dirty dishes. Then, he took a nap. I woke him up and asked him to clean up his mess, because I didn’t want to have to clean it. He replied he would later then tried to lay back down. The thing is, with my husband, there never is a later. After I badgered him, he angrily got up and stormed into the kitchen and started throwing dishes around and screaming. Then, he threw water on me while screaming in my face and that’s when I hit him."

 

Were I as biased to his side as you seem to be to hers, I'd say that he praised her, took over the household duties, made dinner and wanted only to rest a bit after a long day before cleaning up. Nagging harpy that she is, wouldn't even let him nap a few minutes before she began haranguing him about the dishes.

 

Not a fair depiction, right? Both people in a relationship need to own their own sh*t. The OP can only worry about hers...

 

Mr. Lucky

[CarboniteCammy]

He may have goaded me and I won't deny that he uses tactics to get under my skin. And I think in his own way, he *likes* that he can get me that angry, because then I'm more wrong then he is and that negates him having to take responsibility for his own actions.

 

The only way that I can stop that cycle is by taking control of myself and owning my issues. If I stop giving him leverage, I will thusly level the playing field and maybe we can actually get something accomplished rather then all the stupid fighting.

 

I don't think he's cheating. Honestly, he doesn't hardly go anywhere. I actually liked that he took the class that day, and I dont' mind spending my day with the little one.

 

The problem was a repetitive argument we have. 1) He says he'll do something and then won't do it. Or, my favorite 2) He'll say he'll do something, and then blame me and make it my fault that he couldn't do what he said he would do.

 

Every time we have that argument, it just escalates and gets worse and worse.

 

So, it starts out with, "hey babe, thanks for dinner. are you going to do the dishes?"

 

him: sure, no problem

 

me: cool

 

him: goes takes nap immediately

 

(pans with burnt rice are congealing on the stove. rice on floor. rice on stove. )

 

(an hour later)

 

Me: hey babe, can you clean up the mess now? That pan is burnt and congealing. Kind of gross.

 

Him: I said I'll get to it later!!!!!!!!!

 

Me: You said that last time!

 

Him: Storms in kitchen breaking things and yelling in my face...

 

So...you can kind of see how it happened.

 

Again, I'm not right. Not at all. There is a serious problem with the dynamic that we have. I'm going to fix my end of it.

[xxoo]

Carbonite, sometimes in my house with kids, the mess in the kitchen doesn't get cleaned up until the kids go to bed. People are sick, we're busy, we're exhausted, and it isn't the end of the world if the dishes and mess are still there in the morning. Dishes are NOT worth turning into your husband's mother, supervising his clean up.

 

I get it. He'll won't ever get to it. It will be left for you to do. Still, not worth turning into his mother. Relationship before dishes. That doesn't mean you are stuck doing them forever---there are better ways to solve the problem. For example, he will eventually get up from his nap, right?

 

You guys need marriage counseling. You need to learn how to communicate better. Your child will learn what is being modeled in the home. You will also need these communication skills to get along with your older child/teen, so you might as well start practicing now.