Wondering about things post NC

[psm04]

Let's say that you are in a M that is not physically or intellectually stimulating for you, but you co-parent your kids well together. The M itself isn't satisfactory, since you are into different things, do different things once the kids go to bed, etc. Is the fact that you raise your kids well together enough for you to stay in it for the rest of your life? Or would you leave it once the kids are old enough to be on their own? What if your A, that filled the missing pieces, ends while you are in this situation? Would you just simply go back to that M with it's voids, or realize that things need to change? Has anyone or their AP been in this predicament?

 

I'm hoping that you bear with my questions! Yes, I know that I don't need to know the answers to them, and that I'm really looking for validation that he cares about me, but I am human, and I am driving myself crazy wondering about these things. I'd rather have a discussion on it here than to get in touch with my xOMM and ask him these questions. I appreciate any feedback.

 

Also, I'm not asking any of this, hoping that he will come back to me. I don't want that. I want to work things out with my H. The only way I will end up with the xOMM is if we both got divorced (not because of each other but because things weren't working out in our marriages), and we started getting to know each other for real etc.. I'm just looking for perspectives as to why people stay in those type of situations. I didn't want to ask him and for him to think that I was trying to grab him away from his family

Edited March 25, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Owl]

I don't recall your situation, so I apologize in advance for the questions.

 

Did he have a "d-day"? Is his wife aware, and/or have they chosen to reconcile?

 

It directly impacts how to answer your questions.

 

If there's been a d-day, that's often a trigger, a 'wake up call' if you will, to initiate changes and improvements in the marriage.

 

If there hasn't been...then the status quo continues, and the marriage will likely continue on unchanged.

 

And that would impact the "odds" of him remaining in that situation indefinitely. He well MIGHT choose to stay in that situation...it might not be as bad as he described to you, or even if it is, he may choose to stay regardless. No one can really answer for him one way or another.

 

Work on changing your focus back onto you...not him nor his situation. Its the best possible 'support' I could offer you at this point.

 

Also' date=' I'm not asking any of this, hoping that he will come back to me. I don't want that. I want to work things out with my H. The only way I will end up with the xOMM is if we both got divorced (not because of each other but because things weren't working out in our marriages), and we started getting to know each other for real etc.. I'm just looking for perspectives as to why people stay in those type of situations. I didn't want to ask him and for him to think that I was trying to grab him away from his family[/quote']

 

What are you doing to fix things in YOUR marriage? To make it more satisfying and happy for the two of you? Is your H aware of the affair, and have the two of you CHOSEN to reconcile, or are you trying to do this all on your own?

 

No attacking here...relevent questions.

Edited March 25, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
merge

[Poppy fields]

My current husband and I have been through many difficult personal problems, not including infidelity however. Initially, we decided to work things out for the sake of our child. As time has passed though, we are working on strengthening other aspects of our marriage, and have realized we truly want to make our marriage work for the long haul. Not just for our child.

 

So, while sometimes people may initially make the decision to stay together for the children's sake, they can also use that time to strengthen their marriage if feelings of love and respect come back to the marriage.

[Wellington]

Hey PSM

 

I understand. I knew I was definitely "out" once the kids were grown. Unfortunately, I can't wait that long. We are in the same place as you and your H. My exOM claims to be in the same place as well. (I have been told to be patient while he sorts his life out) It seems to be a common theme. Couples disconnecting, drifting apart, stay for the kids? Leave and be happy? It seems to be that "unknown" that makes people stay in loveless marriages. Everyone is afraid of change.

 

I have already taken steps to end my marriage. I don't know if my exOM is on the same page. He told me to wait and he will be in touch. It has been a week. I say to myself "I don't understand, why hasn't he made contact"? Then I say, "yah, I DO understand". The silence says it all for me. He's too nice to ever tell me to "go away". His silence says it all for him. If he really wanted me, nothing could keep him away. If he doesn't want me, nothing can make him stay.

 

I'm going to be happy with or without him.

[psm04]

Hi Owl, no there has been no d-day. We were basically caught up in a very intense A, with several attempts at NC that failed. It got to the point where I just couldn't handle it anymore. The feelings were too much. So we have stopped all contact. My bet is that his W knows absolutely nothing since we were always very careful and never put ourselves in risky situations. We didn't even talk to each other on the phone.

 

As far as my M, I have told my H about the EA part, but without details. Figured there is no point in hurting him even more. We have been going to therapy as well. He is an amazing guy and has forgiven me, and I don't want to lose him. He is my best friend and is the only person who will truly be there for me when I need it. But at the same time, I'm still struggling with the feelings towards the xOMM, since it's still fresh. So I'm wondering all these things as a part of getting closure in some way

 

When I mentioned the part about "or realize that things need to change?", I was not meaning whether they would change things in the M, but leave the situation. From what I know, I am not sure whether things will really change in their M. Partly might be because he's not putting forth the effort to tell his W how he feels. Anyway, I guess I shouldn't worry too much about that, like you said

[psm04]

Hey PSM

 

I understand. I knew I was definitely "out" once the kids were grown. Unfortunately, I can't wait that long. We are in the same place as you and your H. My exOM claims to be in the same place as well. (I have been told to be patient while he sorts his life out) It seems to be a common theme. Couples disconnecting, drifting apart, stay for the kids? Leave and be happy? It seems to be that "unknown" that makes people stay in loveless marriages. Everyone is afraid of change.

 

I have already taken steps to end my marriage. I don't know if my exOM is on the same page. He told me to wait and he will be in touch. It has been a week. I say to myself "I don't understand, why hasn't he made contact"? Then I say, "yah, I DO understand". The silence says it all for me. He's too nice to ever tell me to "go away". His silence says it all for him. If he really wanted me, nothing could keep him away. If he doesn't want me, nothing can make him stay.

 

I'm going to be happy with or without him.

 

Hi Wellington! I've been reading updates on your story. So he was talking about divorce, huh? Well, good that you haven't reached out to him. You are absolutely right. If he wanted you that much, nothing could keep him away. That's what I realized with my xOMM as well. It is easy to say all kinds of stuff. That's why I don't even want my xOMM to leave his W for me. If he wants to leave, he has to do it for himself.

 

Of course, my xOMM might have been making things sound really bad, but Idk. I had no issues believing him because he never said he would leave his situation, but that at the same time, he loved me and could vision himself being with me forever.

 

Well, my H and I are working things out. We do have issues, but he's a really nice guy. I don't think I'll find someone as nice as him. I'm willing to sacrifice not having passion to get all the other things he provides, like security, friendship etc. I'm hoping that the passion will come back at some point. Idk

[psm04]

the best advice i can have for you ( and if this is off topic, I do apologize) is to not try so hard that your marriage becomes nothing more than an exercise in frustration where trying to find your way back to one another becomes a "chore"

 

it sounds like you are very good friends, and that's an excellent start...building on hat won't happen right away, it will take time, and it's often the end sum of a lot of little things that build up over time that bind you together and allow a very deep and profound love to grow..it may not be the " skip a beat" kind of love, but it will be something deeper that built through all the good times you'll share, all the hard times you'll share and get through together. Don't compare your love and marriage to anyone else's...let it stand or fall on it's own merits

 

If you are lucky and you give things an honest effort, you may well be rewarded. I see that in my mom and dad...they've been married 50 years ( this past September) and they are still one another's best friend...and they still have fun together and love each other...they found their way...we've found ours and you'll find yours...

 

( again, sorry if this was off topic but I do hope it helped you in some way)

 

Hi frozensprouts, thanks. No, it wasn't off topic at all. Your words are really sweet.

 

You are right, my H and I will never have that 'skip a beat' kind of love. I don't think we ever had that, even in the beginning. We have a very secure, comfortable and compatible love, that I ignored to get the passion and excitement that I was missing. Funny thing is, my H is so attracted to me, and lets me know every day, and I don't appreciate it enough. I am glad that instead of letting things sit in our minds and grow resentful over the years, he and I have talked about the issues that we have with each other. Even though those are difficult conversations, they are still better than the inevitable blow up that happens decades into a marriage due to these conversations not happening. I've seen that happen in my family.

 

At the same time, I still have feelings for the xOMM. No matter what, he was a part of my life in some ways. I will miss him, but I'm determined to do what is best for me and what won't put me through all this pain. I hope that he does what is best for him too.

[AnotherRound]

Let's say that you are in a M that is not physically or intellectually stimulating for you, but you co-parent your kids well together. The M itself isn't satisfactory, since you are into different things, do different things once the kids go to bed, etc. Is the fact that you raise your kids well together enough for you to stay in it for the rest of your life?

 

For my exMM, yes, this was enough to make him stay at least until his children were out of the house. He would choose his children over anything/one else in this world, and them having a two parent home was so important to him - and is what kept him there for so long past his own unhappiness.

 

Or would you leave it once the kids are old enough to be on their own?

 

ExMM used to always say, "I can't imagine living in that house alone with her, that would be ridiculous" bc he was staying for the children. They co-parent okay together, and both believe that a two parent in-tact family is preferable to a divorced family - but had they made it to when the kids were gone, they both agreed that they would have left at that time (that they were both staying for the children mostly).

 

What if your A, that filled the missing pieces, ends while you are in this situation?

 

Well, those missing pieces would still be there. My exMM met and began dating a new OW - his wife was aware (as she was of me). All of the problems in their marriage were still there - that hadn't changed, so why would he resort back to being in that relationship again? It's an interesting thing as exMM truly did consider himself single - simply co-parenting with the mother of his children. So, he grieved the end of our relationship and then moved on - as most people do with any relationship.

 

Would you just simply go back to that M with it's voids, or realize that things need to change? Has anyone or their AP been in this predicament?

 

I'm hoping that you bear with my questions! Yes, I know that I don't need to know the answers to them, and that I'm really looking for validation that he cares about me, but I am human, and I am driving myself crazy wondering about these things. I'd rather have a discussion on it here than to get in touch with my xOMM and ask him these questions. I appreciate any feedback.

 

Also, I'm not asking any of this, hoping that he will come back to me. I don't want that. I want to work things out with my H. The only way I will end up with the xOMM is if we both got divorced (not because of each other but because things weren't working out in our marriages), and we started getting to know each other for real etc.. I'm just looking for perspectives as to why people stay in those type of situations. I didn't want to ask him and for him to think that I was trying to grab him away from his family

 

My exMM stayed for a variety of reasons - and none of them were love for his wife. He had a comfort in her bc she had always been there, and he respected that she was the mother of his children and had that kind of love for her - but their marriage was just too far desolved - and they both were staying mostly for the children (other issues were there too, jointly owned businesses, the house, the families, etc.).

 

I suppose that some people would just give up on having any happiness or fulfillment in their lives and not date anyone else - just make do with the relationship of the marriage. But, once someone steps outside of that and realizes the happiness and fulfillment that they CAN have, and is convinced of their right to have that - it would be very difficult to go back and settle for something so much less fulfilling - even for the children.

[AnotherRound]

Hi Wellington! I've been reading updates on your story. So he was talking about divorce, huh? Well, good that you haven't reached out to him. You are absolutely right. If he wanted you that much, nothing could keep him away. That's what I realized with my xOMM as well. It is easy to say all kinds of stuff. That's why I don't even want my xOMM to leave his W for me. If he wants to leave, he has to do it for himself.

 

Of course, my xOMM might have been making things sound really bad, but Idk. I had no issues believing him because he never said he would leave his situation, but that at the same time, he loved me and could vision himself being with me forever.

 

Well, my H and I are working things out. We do have issues, but he's a really nice guy. I don't think I'll find someone as nice as him. I'm willing to sacrifice not having passion to get all the other things he provides, like security, friendship etc. I'm hoping that the passion will come back at some point. Idk

 

Some people can be perfectly content with a passionless marriage - one that provides the things you speak of (security, friendship, etc.). Others, not so much. This is why I think it's so important to be with someone that you mesh well with. If passion is super important to one, and not the other - there are going to be huge issues.

 

I'm glad that you are doing what is best for you - and not basing it solely on the children. Children need their parents to be content and happy - not miserable and "making do". Imo, two parents who are apart but happy are much preferable than two together who are miserable - as that atmosphere is going to color the world of those children, and it's just not a healthy environment for them (and it certainly doesn't provide them a good road map to follow regarding relationships when they are older).

 

We are of no use to the children in our lives if we are defeated - but if we are content and fulfilled ourselves, there is no limit to what we can give to those children and teach them.

[psm04]

Imo, two parents who are apart but happy are much preferable than two together who are miserable - as that atmosphere is going to color the world of those children, and it's just not a healthy environment for them (and it certainly doesn't provide them a good road map to follow regarding relationships when they are older).

 

We are of no use to the children in our lives if we are defeated - but if we are content and fulfilled ourselves, there is no limit to what we can give to those children and teach them.

 

Your point brings up another question. What if from the outside, no one including the children can see that the marriage is bad? What if one or both partners have internalized how miserable or frustrated they are? I mean, I think that does happen. In that scenario, I think that the person goes through so much internal conflict that it's sad. But, they put on a strong front for the kids' sake, so they still end up being happy?

[Mycatsnuggles]

ps - you and I seem to be in similar situations. I have a great H, someone I married very young who has always been there for me. I never shared great passion with him but I also didn't know the difference. He has always been very attracted to me. We share a good friendship, like similar things and enjoy each others company but I have never had those wild crazy feelings for him.

 

I wondered after so many years was it me. Only to find out I could have crazy passion with someone, it just wasnt my H. I explored leaving him. Sought an attorney whole nine yards even seperated. But I missed him, missed the family things. Now I am faced with giving up my OM who has fulfilled the passion I am missing but thats all. I am staying with H. May take some bashing on here for this, but I think its true there is more to life then great sex. Do I want that, yes, but at the cost of losing my family, friends, and everything we have together including a best friend. NO.

 

If you think about it my attitude is very similar to many men in an affair. They love their affair partner, want to be with her, but logic intrudes with the realization of what the cost will be not just financially but emtionally.

[psm04]

ps - you and I seem to be in similar situations. I have a great H, someone I married very young who has always been there for me. I never shared great passion with him but I also didn't know the difference. He has always been very attracted to me. We share a good friendship, like similar things and enjoy each others company but I have never had those wild crazy feelings for him.

 

I wondered after so many years was it me. Only to find out I could have crazy passion with someone, it just wasnt my H. I explored leaving him. Sought an attorney whole nine yards even seperated. But I missed him, missed the family things. Now I am faced with giving up my OM who has fulfilled the passion I am missing but thats all. I am staying with H. May take some bashing on here for this, but I think its true there is more to life then great sex. Do I want that, yes, but at the cost of losing my family, friends, and everything we have together including a best friend. NO.

 

If you think about it my attitude is very similar to many men in an affair. They love their affair partner, want to be with her, but logic intrudes with the realization of what the cost will be not just financially but emtionally.

 

Yeah, I met my H when I was really young and we got married young too. We haven't been married too long at this point. My H is definitely someone who will stay dedicated and loyal until the day he dies.

 

But, with my xOMM, it wasn't just the passion, we really connected on an emotional level, and that's what makes this so hard. We couldn't stop talking to each other, and got along really well. That connection is still there, even though I haven't talked to him in a few days. I love him, and if he had told me that he wanted to talk about us being together, I'd have contemplated it, and thought seriously about what it would mean as far as leaving my husband. But he never said that, so I chose to walk away when my feelings were still good, and before I got more hurt. I guess I was tired of living in a fantasy world.

 

I miss him like crazy, and my mind is filled with thoughts of him. I even dream about him! It sucks, but I'm just going through it, hoping that it will stop hurting and I will stop obsessing over him. So for now, I'm obsessively on this forum, reading and posting :-)

[whichwayisup]

But, with my xOMM, it wasn't just the passion, we really connected on an emotional level, and that's what makes this so hard. We couldn't stop talking to each other, and got along really well.

 

That's because it was just "you and him" behind closed doors, hidden away from family, friends and of course spouses....It's so easy to have that connection with someone who you're not obligated to them and you only know them in an affair setting, where life is good, you two have fun, have sex, talk etc.. There are no tests, no kids, inlaws, illnesses etc to deal with so each of you got to spend 'good times' together but not any real bad times when one is sick or in a bad mood, having to deal with regular life day in and day out. You can't compare that to what you have with your husband.

 

Anyway, you could co parent very easily apart from your H and still be good parents. Your kids will adjust as long as you and your H work together to make the transition easier, can do family counseling too.

 

Focus on either fixing or ending your marriage, reguardless of what exmm does or doesn't do.

[psm04]

whichwayisup, I agree with you. And fortunately, my H and I cope with those mundane boring real life moments pretty well. Therapy has helped.

 

And just to clarify, I actually don't have kids. I'm sorry if I misled anyone into thinking that. My original question was kind of because that's what I felt that he was doing in his M, but now by the end of this thread, I realize that it doesn't matter what he's doing.

[AnotherRound]

That's because it was just "you and him" behind closed doors, hidden away from family, friends and of course spouses....It's so easy to have that connection with someone who you're not obligated to them and you only know them in an affair setting, where life is good, you two have fun, have sex, talk etc.. There are no tests, no kids, inlaws, illnesses etc to deal with so each of you got to spend 'good times' together but not any real bad times when one is sick or in a bad mood, having to deal with regular life day in and day out. You can't compare that to what you have with your husband.

 

Anyway, you could co parent very easily apart from your H and still be good parents. Your kids will adjust as long as you and your H work together to make the transition easier, can do family counseling too.

 

Focus on either fixing or ending your marriage, reguardless of what exmm does or doesn't do.

 

I would disagree that people in an affair "have no tests" of their relationship or outside factors intruding - I might even say that they have more than a marriage does in some cases. I think for the OP - her best bet, is to figure out what her priorities are - relationship dealbreakers.

 

For instance, for me, I will not be in a relationship with a man who cannot express himself emotionally, as that is very important to me - and without it, I won't feel connected or bonded or intimate. So, if I was in a relationship with someone like that - and someone else came along that was a better fit for me (along the lines of my dealbreakers and needs and wants) - and I had to choose, I would choose the better fit. I would consider all of my needs and wants and such - not just one - but for me, emotional connection outweighs society, family, houses, religion, financial security, and possessions - hands down. So, my one thing is VERY important, whereas those other things - not so much.

 

I think it's about figuring out what you value - and what is a good fit for you. I don't think that being married to someone guarantees that - and that sometimes, we have to look realistically at the relationships we have formed and figure out if we are staying bc it meets our needs and is a good fit - or for other reasons. And then, weigh those out - and go from there.

 

My exMM and I had plenty of "real life" intrude on us - I don't know where these affairs are that are in the so called bubble where it is simply fun and sex and laughter and connecting. We had arguments and disagreements like any couple - and sometimes due to family issues (children, etc.) - just like any other couple. When exMM and I were together, his life didn't cease to exist or cease to matter - he wears a LOT more hats than just husband (ex husband). So, to think that those things don't carry into any intimate relationship that he has is unrealistic - of course they do, they are part of him and who he is. Just as my life continued to exist and affect us as a couple- and even little things like taking out the trash or needing something fixed in the house comes up too.

 

It's not an island - the affair relationship.

[psm04]

AnotherRound, seems like you had the fortune of a more relationship-like affair than most. My xMM and I had arguments and disagreements (which we argued well too..), but for the most part, we were in our fantasy world when we talked. Yeah, we talked about our other lives too, and what was going on, etc, but we weren't part of each other's lives in that way.

 

As far as relationship dealbreakers, I think I've given up on those. It's ironic that cheating was a deal breaker for me! My ex even cheated on me, and I still remember how hurt I was. Expressing emotions is also important to me, and that's something that my H isn't great at, but he's working on. But I wouldn't leave my H because of that, since he has so many other redeeming qualities.

 

All I know is that this A has turned my world and ideals upside down. I thought I knew who I was, and what my values were, but now... sigh.

[Catplates]

ps - you and I seem to be in similar situations. I have a great H, someone I married very young who has always been there for me. I never shared great passion with him but I also didn't know the difference. He has always been very attracted to me. We share a good friendship, like similar things and enjoy each others company but I have never had those wild crazy feelings for him.

 

I wondered after so many years was it me. Only to find out I could have crazy passion with someone, it just wasnt my H. I explored leaving him. Sought an attorney whole nine yards even seperated. But I missed him, missed the family things. Now I am faced with giving up my OM who has fulfilled the passion I am missing but thats all. I am staying with H. May take some bashing on here for this, but I think its true there is more to life then great sex. Do I want that, yes, but at the cost of losing my family, friends, and everything we have together including a best friend. NO.

 

If you think about it my attitude is very similar to many men in an affair. They love their affair partner, want to be with her, but logic intrudes with the realization of what the cost will be not just financially but emtionally.

 

Yes,

YOu sound just like xMM.

[georgia girl]

Let's say that you are in a M that is not physically or intellectually stimulating for you, but you co-parent your kids well together. The M itself isn't satisfactory, since you are into different things, do different things once the kids go to bed, etc. Is the fact that you raise your kids well together enough for you to stay in it for the rest of your life? Or would you leave it once the kids are old enough to be on their own? What if your A, that filled the missing pieces, ends while you are in this situation? Would you just simply go back to that M with it's voids, or realize that things need to change? Has anyone or their AP been in this predicament?

 

I'm hoping that you bear with my questions! Yes, I know that I don't need to know the answers to them, and that I'm really looking for validation that he cares about me, but I am human, and I am driving myself crazy wondering about these things. I'd rather have a discussion on it here than to get in touch with my xOMM and ask him these questions. I appreciate any feedback.

 

Also, I'm not asking any of this, hoping that he will come back to me. I don't want that. I want to work things out with my H. The only way I will end up with the xOMM is if we both got divorced (not because of each other but because things weren't working out in our marriages), and we started getting to know each other for real etc.. I'm just looking for perspectives as to why people stay in those type of situations. I didn't want to ask him and for him to think that I was trying to grab him away from his family

 

When I read this, PSM, I thought you were looking for a way to help fix your marriage. Then, I read the last paragraph.

 

Not to hurt you, but perhaps you should focus your energies on your marriage and not worry so much about his? As you state, things aren't going to change so there is no future with him. Therefore, it seems to me like you may be gambling this "amazing guy" you married away. It's hard because you're hurting one loss, but could you imagine losing your husband? If not, perhaps your best pathway to healing and to your brighter future would be to focus on your relationship.

 

If that soundy preachy, I'm so sorry. I really want you to be happy.

[psm04]

When I read this, PSM, I thought you were looking for a way to help fix your marriage. Then, I read the last paragraph.

 

Not to hurt you, but perhaps you should focus your energies on your marriage and not worry so much about his? As you state, things aren't going to change so there is no future with him. Therefore, it seems to me like you may be gambling this "amazing guy" you married away. It's hard because you're hurting one loss, but could you imagine losing your husband? If not, perhaps your best pathway to healing and to your brighter future would be to focus on your relationship.

 

If that soundy preachy, I'm so sorry. I really want you to be happy.

 

No, you don't sound preachy. Thank you, I need to hear these things anyway. I shouldn't be worried about him, but this ended very recently, and I'm just trying find answers I guess. It's going to take me a little while to get over him. And no, I can't imagine losing my husband. I'm trying to put focus back 100% on my M now, but I felt like if I didn't ask these types of questions and get "closure", I wouldn't be able to. This thread has already helped me so much. I've realized that I don't need to worry about what my xOMM is or isn't doing in his M.