So it's been awhile!

[SmokeRat]

Been a wee bit since I've last visited LS, and it's been a nice break.

 

But today is rant day.

 

Finalized the transfer of the house to my STBXW, so she gets to keep just about everything.

 

I'll be moving from a 3500sq. ft home into a 500sq foot, single room bachelor pad, and it's depressing. So very depressing.

 

Just looking for survival strategies from other LS posters on how they handled the downgrade that comes with the divorce. This will be my last week in my house, and it's just an emotional rollercoaster, and not a fun one either.

 

But after all the expenses from the split, and helping where I can with the house (I know, why am I helping her with the house), I've had to settle with something that I'm slightly embarrassed to be living in. Would be fine if I was 20, but I'm nearly 30 and established in my career.

 

Sad days ahead. Making the call in a few minutes to tell the Apartment Owner that I will take the bachelor pad and start moving stuff in this week. Not that I can fit much at 500 sq. ft haha.

 

Again, just looking for survival strategies on how to cope with the reality that is going to slam into my face. I figure the first week living on my own is going to be a messy one. Waking up in a single size bed, in a crappy apartment.

 

Blah.

[SmokeRat]

I'll also follow up, that for the past few days I've just been filled with this deep seated hatred and envy of the OM.

 

He gets to keep his house, his kids and his wife. His life style hasn't changed and for the most part the dust has settled from his affair with my wife.

 

I'm left with 'divorced' stamped on my forehead, no house and no spouse to speak of.

[KathyM]

Survival strategies:

 

Get out of the apartment for a change of scenery/exercise once a day. Go for a walk, take up a sport or rediscover a hobby or activity you've put aside.

 

Invite your coworkers or friends out for a drink, or to watch the game (whatever you're into), or to participate in something you like doing. Keep up your social network and rebuild it as a single person. Don't isolate yourself.

 

Take up a new hobby or interest. Spend some time on self improvement, both inside and out.

 

Talk out your feelings with your support group, be it parents, siblings, spiritual leader if you're a person of faith. You may want to consider joining a support group specifically for divorced people, and/or get individual or group counseling to help you cope with your loss.

 

Use strategies at home, or while out somewhere, to improve your mood when you feel yourself getting depressed, such as keeping a gratitude journal where you write down every day what you are grateful for. Listen to music if that lifts your mood. Actively engage in rephrasing negative thoughts when they arise to more positive or less negative thoughts, such as if you start thinking this apartment sucks, rephrase that to this apartment sucks, but I'm only actually here a small portion of the day.

 

 

Volunteering for a good cause often helps people to feel better and to realize that their life is valuable to others and they have the ability to do a lot of good for others.

[SmokeRat]

It's not really a place I'll be bringing people over to.

 

I'm ashamed and embarrassed of my current situation. It's great that I'm a firefighter, and people (for the most part) treat us great when we're out in public, but I'm so ashamed of where I will be living.

 

It doesn't feel like a home, it's just a place I'll be sleeping and eating. I do not even have enough room for a full size bed, couch, table or such things. So I've had to sell everything I own to my STBXW as I've no space.

 

Makes me sad that I'll be parting with my mother's china, her china hutch, all the hardwood tables and chairs too.

 

Will have to hit up IKEA for a cheap single bed and a computer desk I suppose. It's at the point where, I've poured all my money into my house and my wife. From day one I paid for just about everything, all the bills, food, medical and so forth.

 

All the while she stashed her money away, so she'll live comfortably, while I'm living on Kraft Dinner and whatever handouts people bring to the firehall.

 

Crappy day.

[SmokeRat]

It also raises the question:

 

Should I message OM and his wife, with my situation and thank him for his support is destroying what I believed to be the best thing that has ever occured to me (besides getting my acceptance letter from the Fire Dept). And let him know, that my wife has a house all to herself, that he can come to and go from, as often as he pleases now.

[Spark1111]

Invest in an ipod and a docking player. Pick music that inspires you, energizes you and makes you happy and helps you exercise.

 

Start putting the work out that you would like a better, bigger space but can only affor x amount.

 

Having rented and had tennants, many a homeowner would kill for a quiet, single professional man who will be respectful, not use up a ton of utilities and will not throw wild parties.

 

I'm serious. Sell yourself. Many will take less for the security of knowing they have rented to a stable single professional.

[Emilia]

 

Crappy day.

 

I was badly affected financially after my divorce but getting my freedom back and the relief from arguing and fighting more than made up for it. I would have lived in a rathole (had a couple of house shares when I did ) if that meant getting my life back.

[Spark1111]

It also raises the question:

 

Should I message OM and his wife, with my situation and thank him for his support is destroying what I believed to be the best thing that has ever occured to me (besides getting my acceptance letter from the Fire Dept). And let him know, that my wife has a house all to herself, that he can come to and go from, as often as he pleases now.

 

No, don't do that. It's sour grapes at this point and while he was a willing participant, what does it change now? Nothing. She decided to cheat on you.

 

I understand the need to feel sorry for oneself, I really do. Divorce is the second victimization of infidelity and it hurts.

 

Store your mama's china elsewhere man. Don't part with it. Tell her you want it but have no place to keep it right now.

 

Remember this: Living well is the best revenge. Ponder that daily. Where do you envision yourself, your life, looking like in five years? Ten years?

 

Strive towards that goal.

 

Why did she keep the house? No kids, right? Doesn't she have to buy out your half?

 

And please tell me she has NO CLAIM to your pension?

[LFH]

I can't comment on the divorce, separation, but I can and would like to comment on the transition to a home that is different than what you had, what you expected to be living in.

 

I had that happen very unexpectedly, moved from what was nothing fantastic, just a cute little house we were renting but it was OURS, to move closer to family. Money was TIGHT after. Everything changed going into a home that wasn't "home" was horrible and depressing on top of being so unhappy and mentally destroyed. At one point it was so bad that when I even opened the door I'd cry.

 

Add small pieces of color where you can, it will help. A painting, a throw pillow. Make it look less "rental" and the music suggestion is very important. You don't need much, but what you DO have in there, that's your living space, make it your own. Make it happy. Try not to think of it as someplace you hate already. A plant or two, even if you aren't great with plants adds a touch that you wouldn't think would help but it does, plus hey, oxygen!

 

Please don't get rid of your mothers china, etc. Consider getting a storage unit temporarily. Those things are not stuff you can replace. Everything else is just "stuff" and long term won't matter, but heirlooms are worth the cost of storage and you may want them again.

 

You'll make it better and as Spark said, many landlords would kill for a good tenant.

[SmokeRat]

I vision myself doing the same thing I am doing right now, fighting fires, saving lives and educating the public.

 

It's the same vision I had year ago when I joined the department, except I wanted someone in my life to share that life with.

 

I'll make sure I feel sorry for myself on my time, as it has no place when I'm on the job. So at least I have that solace that someone isn't going to get hurt because of my emotions.

 

Thing is, once April 1st hits, I'm out and not allowed back into the house. So I have a few days to get things moved, stored and otherwise relocated. Pisses me off that she doesn't have to move a god damn thing, but it's my own fault.

 

Call it sending him a message out of spite, but it's just something I want to do so badly. To at least entice him to go and see my STBXW again, so it'll show his current wife what a pucking slime ball he is.

 

I do not even know what to do with all the nice sweaters and pants my STBXW bought me. I took them all out of my closet and folded them for her, and said she can keep them, and she just broke down bawling her eyes out for an hour. I've since refused to take anything she wants to give me, such as a microwave, some pillows and blankets. I've told her I do not want her charity, and that just seems to make her more upset and cry even harder.

 

They are nice sweaters, and I do need them from time to time. But there are so many memories attached to them, that I'm not sure if I can separate a sweater from said memory.

 

The reality of my situation really hit after hanging up the phone with my soon to be landlord, that I'm moving out and was forced to give up the life style I worked so hard for, while the ones who destroyed it, get to keep it.

[SmokeRat]

And I appreciate all the support, I really do.

 

It's just depressing. There is only so much I can do with the space that I have, and that's very little indeed.

 

I have a nice view of the downtown core, but that's about it. I'll have to lay down some area carpet to cover up the cigarette burns from the previous tenant. I'm 28 and just figured I'd be good to go, like so many of my friends.

 

And my 'dating' life hasn't been going so well, which I expected but my buddies are dead set on getting me back out there and finding a woman who will love me.

 

They set me up with one of the guys sisters from the hall, and it went well until she found out I was getting divorced and I immediately became evil incarnate. Feels like I am wearing a giant scarlet 'A' on my forehead.

 

Kinda sad but for now, my bed is an old military sleeping bag from when I was in the forces with my bunker gear as a pillow. I've tried to sign up for more fire shifts, but my Chief knows my sitation and refuses to give me more work.

[Decorative]

Wait.

 

Why are you giving her the majority of stuff?

 

split it. You don't have kids. Don't let this situation- of her making- harm you in more ways than it already has!

[SmokeRat]

She's buying all that stuff off me, simply because I do not have the funds nor the means to house all those things.

 

Like I said before, I poured every last dollar into our house and into her (foolishly) so at the end of all this, I'm just another FF living from pay cheque to pay cheque until I can start saving again.

 

I completely blaim the Proclaimers for their song '500 Miles' and my Grandfather (Fire God's rest his soul), for being an Irishman who worshipped the ground my Grandmother walked on, and taught me that a spouse is to be loved, and cared for 110% with no complaints.

 

Foolishly, I was trying to mimic what my Grandfather and Grandmother had. And I'm paying the price now =p

[2sunny]

Is she paying you half of the current value of the hme? If she keeps it - she should have to pay you half!

 

You could buy a small house with your half.

 

I agree with telling his wife - she deserves to know the truth!

[SmokeRat]

Well she already knows that he's been sleeping with my STBXW, I told her close to Christmas actually.

 

She is paying me my portion of the Equity if we were going to sell the house. Sort of the way it works around here with selling the home and whatnot.

 

So I'm really only going to get close to 10 grand after everything is said and done, because we've only had the house for 2 years and the payments we've made on the house haven't really made a dent into the house payments.

 

Regardless, it's just a crappy situation. She wants to keep all the wedding photos and whatnot.

 

I asked her why, and she said that after she attends her therapy and gets her life in order, she may come to realize that she is actually in love with me. And wouldn't want to throw away all the happy memories she has of us, because it would break her heart even more if she did in fact fall in love with me again, and lost all those things.

 

Ugh.

[SarcasticAbby]

My heart goes out to you SmokeRat. I know you're still picking up the pieces of your heart but you must resist the urge to contact the OM and his wife. I think in time you will realize that looking forward and letting it go is best. And the sooner the better. Holding on to the hate will only prolong you're recovery.

 

As for your mothers china and cabinet, it would be wonderful if you could find a friend or place that could store this for you until you were able to get a larger place. Im sure you have thought of this. Just remember, you're moving to something small and it is just a place to sleep and only somewhere temporary. You will get back to a large comfortable life style you once knew but only without her. I've been there... This is only temporary!

 

It doesn't sound like you guys have children together and if that's true be thankful. That's that much closer to leaving someone who hurt you behind. And if you don't why monetarily help someone that hurt you so bad???

 

I wish you luck!

[SmokeRat]

Well I need the money and she's offered to buy all the furniture, and whatnot for the house.

 

So I'm selling her the couch they pucked on, the table they pucked on, the carpet they pucked on, and just about everything else.

 

I do not want that stuff in my new place, even if it's a hole in the wall. It'll be negative enough in that place without that stuff reminding me.

 

Which still makes me wonder what to do with all the nice clothing she bought me.

[SmokeRat]

I still help my wife, because for some odd reason, I still feel bound by the vows I spoke to her at the altar. It may sound stupid, and I'm sure it is.

 

But I take my vows very seriously, I took one when I joined the Fire Department and I am bound by it until the day I die. I take the same seriousness with the vow I gave my STBXW. Until I move out, I feel obligated to maintain those vows.

 

Right now it's painful and humilitating to do so, but I figure maybe 5 years down the road, I can hold my head high and walk away as the bigger person.

[2sunny]

It's good to get a fresh start. Buy a bigger bed. Paint a happy color in your room.

 

Go to garage sales and scour around - its an adventure!

 

It can be fun!

 

Make your space a bright and happy environment!

[whichwayisup]

Makes me sad that I'll be parting with my mother's china, her china hutch, all the hardwood tables and chairs too.

 

Why not put this stuff in storage? Are you giving it all to your ex or selling it? Seems you've just rolled over and given up, handing her everything, even personal momento's and items that mean a lot to you.

 

Sorry I must have missed something but why are you the one moving out and giving HER the house, etc.?

[whichwayisup]

Well I need the money and she's offered to buy all the furniture, and whatnot for the house.

 

So I'm selling her the couch they pucked on, the table they pucked on, the carpet they pucked on, and just about everything else.

 

I do not want that stuff in my new place, even if it's a hole in the wall. It'll be negative enough in that place without that stuff reminding me.

 

Which still makes me wonder what to do with all the nice clothing she bought me.

 

Ok, I can understand selling certain things, but stuff that means so much to you, store somewhere . Ask a friend or another family member to hold on to such precious items..

[SmokeRat]

Already discussed with my parents what is to be done with all 'our' stuff. My mothers china was used at our wedding, and my mother is quite upset about that. She doesn't want it any more because it's been sullied by my wife and her lover.

 

So, that's covered. Plus, it's China and it doesn't really flow with the vibe I have haha.

 

She's buying me out of the house, because I cannot afford it without her. She on the other hand, can afford it without me, because she's been stashing away all her money since we started dating.

 

So she will pay me the equity of the house, and send me on my way. At the very least, I know that my dog will still have a backyard to run around in and enjoy her life.

[Artie Lang]

so sorry to hear this. you sound like a nice guy..... too nice, if you ask me.

 

 

why would you let her keep the house? i would've made selling the house and splitting the profit a stipulation in the divorce. she doesn't deserve to be all cushy while you struggle. furthermore, if she was socking money throughout all this, you're entitled to it also- community property.

 

i'm a little confused though because it sounds like this affair is still going on. am i wrong?

 

did you ever expose this POS and your wife to the school. they were probably using school resources to conduct thus affair.

 

like i said, you were/are too nice throughout all this. that's why there's resentment concerning him not losing his lifestyle over this. you should've immediately notified the school about the inappropriatenes of the "relationship." now you're left with wanting to destroy his life..... very understandable. i would go all out on this POS.

 

there is no way i'd allow for them to work together after all this, even after the divorce. F*CK THAT! they need to realize consequences..... losing their jobs is one.

 

as to your wife, she's a lost cause. those at crocodile tears coming out.

 

 

STOP BEING NICE! let her lather in her pigsty.

Edited March 25, 2013 by Artie Lang

[carhill]

My short list, regarding 'survival'.

 

Made regular dinner dates with friends

 

Remodeled the master bedroom

 

Spiffed one of the old cars and did some summer cruising

 

Volunteered on a few 'help out' projects for friends

 

Did some traveling

 

In my case I rehabbed a place for the exW and kept my place, so no apartment to deal with. On the positive side, a 500sq.ft. apartment is a lot easier to maintain than a 3500sqft home. My place is pretty good sized and some days I yearn for a small condo or apartment and I'm long over the divorce.

 

Lastly, sit down and start a plan for rebuilding. I called mine the ten year plan, to recover from the financial reverses and get my retirement home built and leave this place behind. You're young so perhaps such plans aren't necessary, but it does feel good to have some sort of plan of action.

 

If you haven't lived alone much, expect to have some rough days. They'll pass. The important thing is that you're moving forward.

 

Good luck.

[SmokeRat]

His wife and the school know about their affair, hence they've been sent to different schools to work.

 

Even if we did sell the house and split the sale cost, I'd still only be leaving with around 10k, because the housing market here is complete garbage.

 

The affair is over as far as I know, and has been over since last August. But they are welcome to eachother now that I am moving out.

 

She could turn real nasty in the courts, and could easily use her illness to drag out the divorce proceedings, plus she could turn on my pension and make my life as a fire fighter very difficult.

 

As much as I dislike tucking my tail between my legs, it's smarter that I do so. In the end, she will be the one to suffer, since she is already panicked about who will walk the dog, take out the trash, cut the lawn and maintain the house. Let her find another man to do that, and he can learn that she hates sex with the people she's with, and she'll just continue to use someone. I've warned her, that some wives will go insane finding out you've slept with their husbands, I won't feel bad if you end up in a gutter because of it.

 

She cries none stop when I get home, cooks me my favorite meals now, even though she knows we're finished. I truely believe the weight of what she has done is coming crashing down on her shoulders, and it's too much weight to bear so she's breaking down.

 

Minus her complete lack of sleep, drastic weight loss and her illness kicking her arse, I think she's getting what she deserves finally. But it pains me to see her this way, and I help where I can.

 

It's in my nature.

 

And yes there is resentment, but I've exposed the affair, his wife knows, his kids know. But still it isn't enough, there are plenty of times that instead of a propane cylinder in a basement of a house fire, I envision it's him in the basement burning to death. Unhealthy, but such is life.