Can she commit???

[mnbikingguy]

So I reach out to love shack to get some advice. First a disclaimer – I would greatly appreciate it if as you read this (and I apologize for the length) you really keep everything in perspective. I will provide as much background on the situation.

 

Me – Divorced 3 years. I met my girlfriend about a year and a half after my divorce. I have two young girls ages 10 & 7. I have a fairly decent job in middle management in a mid-size global company. I have my kids 50% of the time. I am 41.5 years old.

 

Girlfriend – Never been married and hasn’t had a very serious relationship. She is a surgeon so much of her time has been focused on her career. No kids or anything and never wanted kids. She didn’t even really want to pursue marriage.

 

Fast forward a year and half after meeting. We have grown very much in love. My girls and she get along extremely well. They do things from time to time and we even do things together once in a while (all four of us). When no kids are around we get to together in the usual courting process. We date, are intimate, and so forth. Also, one key point to note; before she met my kids and before we had gotten so emotionally invested, we discussed her having been alone. I asked her if she had thought enough about what dating someone with two kids means now and could mean in the future. She emphatically assured me that she had and she wanted to move forward. This is a key point to remember later on.

 

About three months ago we started talking about “what if?” At the onset of our relationship neither of us knew if we wanted to marry. However as we got closer and realized that we loved each other and how we wanted to be role models for my kids we decided it would be the more responsible decision so we started going to pre-marriage counseling.

 

We’ve learned a lot. We are extremely compatible. We have a solid foundation on our relationship and there is a lot of love. Our values are very similar. Something else that was discussed early in counseling was what we each wanted out of our relationship at this point in time. She stated she wanted to travel a bit more and find a church to go to together. I stated, time. I wanted more time with her. We only live 30 minutes apart, but with her work schedule it is not easy to see each other during the week. Plus she is on call a third of the time.

 

However, now, as the reality has become clearer, I am committed and ready for the next steps. She stated she was.

 

But….(as you could see it coming), she has become a lot more concerned lately. The crux of the issue – she has been living alone her entire adult life. True, she loves me. True, she loves my children. But her work life has become stressful and her desire (and comfort zone) to come home and be completely alone to unwind became evident last week. I was at her place (no kids) and she walked in, didn’t say a work even as she walked past me and when I tried to hug and kiss her hello she said “I can’t right now, I can’t talk to anyone.”

 

Then over the weekend, she continued to bring it up. Then she says “why are you so patient with me. I wouldn’t blame you if you said you had enough of it and just wanted to end it.” Hmm.

 

I realized that dating or eventually being married to a doctor is something that I would have to adjust to and researched enough. She is a sweet, caring woman who is also a Christian. However, given her reactions recently and some of the words she uses, I am wondering if her commitment level is really where she or I thought it was. Maybe my commitment level is not there either…as I am still hurt that after a year and half and talking about marriage, I make myself available anytime (and am willing to spend even a little time with her) and for her, it seems difficult. HOWEVER, I am becoming more aware that she is a doctor and frankly I have no idea what her days are like nor do I know what her stress level is like. I have committed to support her and work with her on things. I told her I am not planning to go anywhere but again, I’m wondering if the fear of commitment wants to make her bail and she’s just waiting for me to end it.

 

I guess that’s it. PLEASE, I would appreciate your thoughts. Also, please ask probing questions as I’m sure there are some clarifying points.

 

Sorry for the length.

[GorillaTheater]

I don't think that's her telling you to leave. I think it's her cry for help.

 

I wouldn't put it quite the same way, but this is my inclination as well. I think at a minimum she's looking for reassurance that you're "all in".

 

Or not. It could be a kind way of telling you to get lost. But love is a risk, and risks are life. Give her the reassurance (through actions more than words) that you are all in. If she in fact wants out, that'll become more evident as time goes by. Don't stress over it one way or the other. You'd prefer her in your life, but you were okay before her, and you can handle whatever comes your way.

[mnbikingguy]

Again...thanks for all the advice. Coryreply - I like the comment about her father. My gf has struggled with her dad and his pressures on her. She has openly said she would never have gone into medicine had he not put so much pressure on her.

 

Gorilla - thanks. I have reassured in so many ways and will continue to do so. You are right....love is a risk. But the rewards could be awesome as well right? You are correct - I will be fine if it does not work out. Time will tell.

 

Thanks all again - great thoughts/advice. Appreciate all your comments!