My husband decided he wants a 1950's housewife, I cant be that.

[knitwit]

In doing the math based on your age of 23 and the amount of time it takes raise the first three year old, never mind the five month old, you must have a nanny and domestic help. If not, there's not enough time in a 24 hour day to handle everything, including school and graduate in a couple of years.

 

Now assuming you have a nanny and domestic help, this doesn't mesh with what you're portraying.

 

Apparently, we're no longer in Kansas.

 

I suspect that that she isn't in the US or UK, actually. But it is pure speculation, just my guess based on her age, being in med school currently, and being a doctor in a few years. Doesn't really matter though, I think her issue remains the same.

[Got it]

Quote:

Originally Posted by underwater2010

Your kids and house should be first and foremost. The kids are only around for 18-20 yrs. That is time you will never get back with them.

 

First did you just suggest her HOUSE should be more important than what she wants? Really? Cause dusting is sooooooo fullfilling. If she becomes a dr she can hire someone to come in and clean for her and by the time she gets to that point, both kids should be in school.

 

Excuse me.....I should have said HOME. Although yes that is part of it...dusting. But is also filling a house with love and family. A maid does not fill a house with that.

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by xxoo

He can't force you to play the role of 1950s housewife. But you can't force him to play the role of supportive spouse of a resident. Can you do it without his support?

 

GREAT question. She wouldn't be the first to do it on her own! And hey, more power to you if you do. What I'm pretty sure she won't be able to do is to do it WITH him being actually determinental to her goals, which this attitude is.

 

That is right...because it is so much better to raise children in a single parent household so you can have a career. I am hoping you guys are suggesting she leave him if he doesn't change his mind on what he would like.

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Got it

Why does the husband get accommodation and excuses and the wife is expected to "be the better person" and "take one for the team"?

 

Such a terrible attitude about things, it's like women are somehow still "lesser" because they were born with girl parts.

 

Actually all in all we are equal if not more because of our girl parts. We hold the past, present and future in our hands. We tend to control wether a house is happy or in torment. We are the compassion, love, and tenderness of a household. We are able to contribute money or not just because we can.

 

I'd really dig into his "new" attidude and find out what's sparking it, and honestly decide if this is going to be worth it to you.

 

That is the key point. They need to have a discussion on what their priorities as a TEAM with be. One or both will have to compromise.

 

I can't imagine trying to live a life with someone who wasn't willing to be my partner and wanted to sabatoge my goals.

 

So because someone has seperate ideas then yours, it is considered sabatoge. I am sure he got her pregnant on purpose...oh wait it takes two.

 

OP, good luck to you. I don't blame you for not wanting to be something you aren't. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting what he claims to want, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with someone who wants to BE that, but that doesn't sound like anything you desire for yourself, and I can't see how you'll rectify that.

 

And on that we agree. This is something they need to work on together. The opinions on a forum are not going to help.

 

Umm, why is it that you are saying females hold "the past, present and future" in their hands and not the males? We control all that love in the home? Seems to be a pretty crappy view of men then. Like it takes two to get pregnant it takes the sum of the adults to make the home and they ALL factor in.

 

I REALLY think you actually have an over inflated view of women and the power over people's emotions. I think men are just as impactful especially fathers. I think the parent that is around the children the most have the most impact (obviously).

 

I know many single parents who are great parents. And I think their divorce made for a better family dynamic. Keeping a mom and dad in the house, bar none, is a short sighted and dangerous stance. I don't think people who have lived in a bad two parent set up really understand.

[darkmoon]

being a mother of two under fives involves alot of supervision, one toddler does in fact, they have no sense of safety

 

what looks like no work is work but in minature because it is work with little

ones

 

you can't take your eyes off them for a second look at the uproar over abducted children mothers blamed

[Furious]

I stayed home when the children were little. By the time my youngest was in grade one I decided to start my own business rather than returning to my original profession which was in finance.

 

I enjoy being my own boss and balancing my home life. I think for women there are many many compromises and balancing acts than there are for men.

 

Women have a time clock whereas men can produce children into their old age, it is what it is.

 

My mother always told me feminism wasn't about women imitating men but

about women having the right to chose their own path and decide the best route in their life. My mom is the best!!

 

My career is a huge part of my life but my kids are my life.

 

Also, for those who don't have children who've commented here, I can

guarantee you that until you do, only then can you understand what us moms are saying.

[Quiet Storm]

Your husband married the wrong woman, you married the wrong man. It's really sad for you, him and the kids that he didn't figure this out sooner, before marriage and kids.

 

If he was supportive of your goals & dreams prior to marriage, it's not fair for him to expect you to change. However, kids have a way of changing people and their priorities. He should not demand that your dreams evolve to match his, but even if he logically understands that, his feelings are unlikely to change.

 

Regardless of whether or not his feelings are valid, he has a vision in his mind of what he wants as a wife and you are not it. You have a vision in your mind of a supportive & helpful husband, and he is not living up to that.

 

The problem here is basic incompatibility.

 

If you choose to go against his wishes, he will resent you. It will affect the mood of the home. It may affect your relationship with your children, because his unsupportive attitude will rub off on them. Instead of saying something positive like "Mommy's at work, helping to make sick people feel better, I'm sure she misses you", he'll be negative. "Mommy wants to go to work, she doesn't want to stay home with us, even though we miss her".

 

If you choose to stay home, you will resent him. You will feel unfulfilled and will blame him. You'll distance yourself from him because you won't feel cared for. He doesn't just want you to stay home to make a sacrifice for the family, he expects you to be content and happy about it. You won't be able to fake it, so the mood of your home will change.

 

Without compromise, this becomes an unreconcilable difference, IMO. A marriage counselor may be able to help you two find a compromise that is acceptable to both of you.

[Quiet Storm]

I stayed home when the children were little. By the time my youngest was in grade one I decided to start my own business rather than returning to my original profession which was in finance.

 

I enjoy being my own boss and balancing my home life. I think for women there are many many compromises and balancing acts than there are for men.

 

Women have a time clock whereas men can produce children into their old age, it is what it is.

 

My mother always told me feminism wasn't about women imitating men but

about women having the right to chose their own path and decide the best route in their life. My mom is the best!!

 

My career is a huge part of my life but my kids are my life.

 

Also, for those who don't have children who've commented here, I can

guarantee you that until you do, only then can you understand what us moms are saying.

 

 

I agree. My kids bring me more joy and fulfillment than my career, or any career, ever could. But not everyone is like me, and I respect that.

[Furious]

I didn't read anyone saying that their career mattered more than their kids. I read people saying her husband should be more supportive.

 

It's sad how many mothers here just assume that the very best way for everyone is to sit home all day with the kids. Being fulfilled as a person makes one a much better parent than simply being around all day.

 

I'm a mom obviously, and I completely disagree with anyone here that stated the OP should stay home because the kids are only young for a limited time, or because she's the one that actually gave birth. Becoming a mother doesn't mean one ceases being a person.

 

Totally agree with you.

 

I was just describing my own situation and should have been clearer in that my husband and I made those choices together and we supported each other in our decision to have a family and the sacrifices we both would be making.

 

I do think the OP is not being supported and her husband is being domineering and selfish.

 

I champion women and whatever choices they make in their lives.

[GorillaTheater]

I didn't read anyone saying that their career mattered more than their kids. I read people saying her husband should be more supportive.

 

It's sad how many mothers here just assume that the very best way for everyone is to sit home all day with the kids. Being fulfilled as a person makes one a much better parent than simply being around all day.

 

I'm a mom obviously, and I completely disagree with anyone here that stated the OP should stay home because the kids are only young for a limited time, or because she's the one that actually gave birth. Becoming a mother doesn't mean one ceases being a person.

 

You know, I'm a 50-year-old Neanderthal male, I think it's outrageous that her husband springs this on her when she's halfway through medical school, for crissakes.

 

Yeah, she's got to find a way to balance home, kids and career, like about a billion other people on the planet. But she's two years from getting her MD. Throwing that away would be nuts.

[Furious]

 

Just because one person feels thats nurturing little people is the most fullfilling thing they will ever do doesn't mean everyone does.. even other moms. It doesn't mean that tehy don't like or love or want their kids, it just means sitting home teaching the alphabet isn't the way they feel that they can best spend their days. There's nothing wrong with being a SAHM or putting your career off, if that's your desire. When you are doing it only because it's the desire of someone else, how is that rewarding for anyone?

 

Where in my post did I insinuate otherwise.

 

I should have been clearer in my previous post that I think the OP's husband is being selfish and domineering and she shouldn't tolerate his disrespect.

 

I was only talking about my life experience and how I balanced both my personal career and family life.

 

I still think that those who have no children cannot understand the complexity of parenthood until they have their own children.

[knitwit]

 

My mother always told me feminism wasn't about women imitating men but

about women having the right to chose their own path and decide the best route in their life. My mom is the best!!

 

 

Yay for your mom- I agree 100%. I believe all humans should have the right to chose their own path- the right to the pursuit of happiness, as better writers have put it.

 

Hopefully the OP and her husband can come to an arrangement that is suitable for both of them.

[eleanorrigby]

See if you can work up a compromise and be a 1990's housewife for a while.

 

If you both dig in your heels like mules, your husband will be visiting the little ones on the weekend and have no wife, '50's or otherwise and you will have a hard row to hoe trying to juggle school, a job and very little ones by yourself.

 

He gave you wish "wishlist" now give him yours and hopefully find a middle ground.

[Got it]

I didn't read anyone saying that their career mattered more than their kids. I read people saying her husband should be more supportive.

 

It's sad how many mothers here just assume that the very best way for everyone is to sit home all day with the kids. Being fulfilled as a person makes one a much better parent than simply being around all day.

 

I'm a mom obviously, and I completely disagree with anyone here that stated the OP should stay home because the kids are only young for a limited time, or because she's the one that actually gave birth. Becoming a mother doesn't mean one ceases being a person.

 

OMG I can't highlight and second this enough! Too many women lose their identity when they marry and have kids and their sole identity is through another person! That is not healthy. Your identity can have a part of it tied to being a so and so's mom but when that is all it is, someone's mother, wife, you lose yourself.

 

No one is saying that to have a career means you are saying it is more important than the kids. Supporting your kids can mean having a career. The husband, at any time, can become incapacitated where he can not produce for the family. Then what? They have to relay on mom and mom is best served to have a career to fall back on.

 

But that bolded point, YES!!!

[Nyla]

Totally agree with you.

 

I was just describing my own situation and should have been clearer in that my husband and I made those choices together and we supported each other in our decision to have a family and the sacrifices we both would be making.

 

I do think the OP is not being supported and her husband is being domineering and selfish.

 

I champion women and whatever choices they make in their lives.

 

You cannot truly champion women's choices if you sneer at those who don't have children. Plenty of mothers have thriving careers and families or they chose to have less children in order to become successful in their careers.

 

The OP is clearly being stifled by a sexist husband. Why on earth do I need to be a mother to know that?

 

I know a lot of mothers who put their children above everything else and many of them regret not obtaining higher education or working on a career, especially the ones who are divorced and dirt poor now.

 

My own mother put marriage and babies over a career and she ended up working in a factory for more than 20 years. Though she made a good salary and had benefits, my mother always regretted not going past high school. She also stayed in an unhappy marriage for her children and all it did was make her sad and bitter.

 

When a woman is solely defined by motherhood, what is left when her children become adults and no longer need their mommy so much?

[Furious]

You cannot truly champion women's choices if you sneer at those who don't have children. Plenty of mothers have thriving careers and families or they chose to have less children in order to become successful in their careers.

 

The OP is clearly being stifled by a sexist husband. Why on earth do I need to be a mother to know that?

 

I know a lot of mothers who put their children above everything else and many of them regret not obtaining higher education or working on a career, especially the ones who are divorced and dirt poor now.

 

 

 

 

My own mother put marriage and babies over a career and she ended up working in a factory for more than 20 years. Though she made a good salary and had benefits, my mother always regretted not going past high school. Sh

also stayed in an unhappy marriage for her children and all it did was make her sad and bitter.

 

When a woman is solely defined by motherhood, what is left when her children become adults and no longer need their mommy so much?

 

 

I feel bad for your mom, children didn't hold her back but it seems her husband was the one who held her back. She did the best she could in her

day and I'm sure she didn't want that for you.

 

My mother didn't have the opportunity I had, she always encouraged me to get an education and I did that, graduating university with honers and my daughter is following in those footsteps.

 

When my husband and I decided we wanted to start a family we decided

together how we could balance our careers and family life. It was a joint decision and we both were on the same page. Not at all like OP's situation is, and I have said I feel her husband is being selfish and disrespectful.

 

I cannot judge women who choose to be homemakers and those who chose otherwise. I chose both and I found balance in my choices.

 

Many women when they have children change their mind on what they want,

some women who say they would never give up their career suddenly decide they can't go back to that, and some women who say they only want to be a mom realize that they need more than that. It's all about choice and the freedom to change their choices. I support whatever any women chooses what is best for her.

 

I'm one of those women who changed her choices over time, I made choices and had the freedom to change my mind depending on what was best for me.

 

Before I had kids I knew exactly what I'd be and do when I had children, it wasn't until I really had children that I realized how complex it was and that there's no cookie cutter way in what I thought I knew as compared to the reality of parenthood.

 

It's team work between the husband and spouse to what is best for themselves and the children, where both spouses feel empowered and equal.

Edited March 26, 2013 by Furious

[tbf]

I suspect that that she isn't in the US or UK, actually. But it is pure speculation, just my guess based on her age, being in med school currently, and being a doctor in a few years. Doesn't really matter though, I think her issue remains the same.

If you mean geographically, not on Earth or in the same dimension, I'll agree.

[knitwit]

You cannot truly champion women's choices if you sneer at those who don't have children. Plenty of mothers have thriving careers and families or they chose to have less children in order to become successful in their careers.

 

The OP is clearly being stifled by a sexist husband. Why on earth do I need to be a mother to know that?

 

I know a lot of mothers who put their children above everything else and many of them regret not obtaining higher education or working on a career, especially the ones who are divorced and dirt poor now.

 

My own mother put marriage and babies over a career and she ended up working in a factory for more than 20 years. Though she made a good salary and had benefits, my mother always regretted not going past high school. She also stayed in an unhappy marriage for her children and all it did was make her sad and bitter.

 

When a woman is solely defined by motherhood, what is left when her children become adults and no longer need their mommy so much?

 

I am not willing to write off the OP's husband as "sexist" quite yet-- there is still more information to obtain. We don't know whether he has specifically stated that he wants his wife to give up everything related to her career, or whether he sent her an email with a 1950s housewife and only wants to have a home-cooked meal when he comes back from work. We just don't know yet.

 

Also- I think it completely valid for a man to want to be the provider and want his wife to stay home to care for his children. I do not believe that day care is bad, but many people think that the very best thing for their kids is to be home, end of question.

 

I agree with Quiet Storm that this is most likely an issue of compatibility. There are many men who would LOVE to have a SAHM, and provide for them, and both spouses would be very happy. There are many men who would LOVE to have a wife who has a career, who contributes not only to the family income but also to society in general. My DH jokes at my company's annual holiday get-together and calls out for All Trophy Husbands (since my workplace is mostly women) to come to the table. He is proud of what I do, and my accomplishments. He is very supportive.

 

The overall goal is, IMO, for All people to get to choose their own paths, and find the partners who also want to walk similar paths.

 

What I got from Furious's posts (and AS's as well) is that it is possible to find workable solutions, and that staying at home when kids are young and having a career are not mutually exclusive.

 

That said- I do 1000% agree that, in 2013, ALL women who are able to do so should get an education/degree/trade training. Men should too, of course. There is more to worry about than infidelity or divorce. The most damaging financially is when a spouse becomes ill for a long time, such as long-term coma after an accident, of early Alzheimer's Disease, or early debilitating Multiple Sclerosis. Or if for some reason, your spouse needs long-term nursing home care and it drains his 401k, the only 401k in the household. IKES. If you and your spouse can afford it, always pick up long term disability and create an IRA for both spouses! But this is a different tangent for a different thread.

[knitwit]

If you mean geographically, not on Earth or in the same dimension, I'll agree.

 

Ha!! It sounds crazy, right? The physician I worked with was from India. She came from a family of doctors, and her father held a very high position in one of the most respected medical schools in the country. She was married and in school when she had her eldest, and in residency when she had her youngest. She had household help and a nanny, and a driver (she didn't learn to drive until she was in her 30s and came to the US.)

 

One of my best friends, who lives in the US, finished her PhD classes and qualifying exams while staying home with her newborn (6 months old when she passed her boards.). I have no idea how! People do amazing things when they REALLY want it!

[tbf]

She had household help and a nanny, and a driver (she didn't learn to drive until she was in her 30s and came to the US.)

There you have it. Without external help, there aren't enough hours in a 24 hour day to handle it all.

[GorillaTheater]

I hope the OP weighs back in; we're all getting kind of speculative at this point.

[tbf]

I hope the OP weighs back in; we're all getting kind of speculative at this point.

So do I, considering how I have two children very close to the same age. Not a chance I would be working even from home, without external help.

[Els]

If you mean geographically, not on Earth or in the same dimension, I'll agree.

 

In some places, the first few years of medical school are easy, like any other degree, because the practical part hasn't started yet. As there are degree students who are also new mothers (I know a few who did it without help), it stands to reason that it is theoretically possible for the OP to have gone through the first 3-4 years of med school while taking care of her children.

 

It's true that it isn't done much by real life medical students, not so much because they can't handle the first 3-4 years with children, but because most people tend to consider "Well, what happens AFTER that?", which cannot be done with children and no external help.

[Nyla]

While I agree that there is nothing wrong with fathers who want their wives to stay home with the children, I do think that it is sexist to demand that a wife give up her career just because she is the mother.

[Els]

While I agree that there is nothing wrong with fathers who want their wives to stay home with the children, I do think that it is sexist to demand that a wife give up her career just because she is the mother.

 

Precisely. Not to mention the fact that men who DO want SAHMs should communicate this very clearly to their wives before marrying and having kids, not taking it for granted that it will happen.

[underwater2010]

Umm, why is it that you are saying females hold "the past, present and future" in their hands and not the males? We control all that love in the home? Seems to be a pretty crappy view of men then. Like it takes two to get pregnant it takes the sum of the adults to make the home and they ALL factor in.

 

I agree....I am not knocking men. I was responding to the post regarding people thinking of women being "lesser". Both sexes are a neccessity to a household. And ecspecially that of a healthy household. I could not get by day to day without the help of my husband, nor would I want to. I was just pointing out the strengths of a woman wether she choses to stay at home or work.

 

I REALLY think you actually have an over inflated view of women and the power over people's emotions.

 

Ask any man that has an angry wife who's emotions rule the household. There is an old saying....If mommy isn't happy, nobody is. Does that make it over inflated...then so be it.

 

I think men are just as impactful especially fathers.

 

Absolutely....it takes a real man to raise men and if there is not a "positive" father figure in a girls life she can end up really screwed up. It is such a fine balance and the reason I think that divorce should not be taken lightly. I am sure that there are alot of men/women out there that would tell you that being a single parent was not their first choice.

 

I think the parent that is around the children the most have the most impact (obviously).

 

I know many single parents who are great parents.

 

So do I. I am not knocking single parents at all.

 

And I think their divorce made for a better family dynamic. Keeping a mom and dad in the house, bar none, is a short sighted and dangerous stance.

 

I am not saying that all married people should remain so. I just think it is the easy answer today. Don't agree with your choice....divorce. Not happy...divorce. Do not want to compromise...divorce. Forget about the lasting effect on the children. And yes a divorce can be the best for some children, but not all.

 

I don't think people who have lived in a bad two parent set up really understand.

 

My childhood household was not perfect either. But I could not imagine being shipped between two seperate homes and dealing with new people going in and out of my parents lives.

 

It is just my opinion and I am sorry if it bothers anyone.

[Got it]

Umm, why is it that you are saying females hold "the past, present and future" in their hands and not the males? We control all that love in the home? Seems to be a pretty crappy view of men then. Like it takes two to get pregnant it takes the sum of the adults to make the home and they ALL factor in.

 

I agree....I am not knocking men. I was responding to the post regarding people thinking of women being "lesser". Both sexes are a neccessity to a household. And ecspecially that of a healthy household. I could not get by day to day without the help of my husband, nor would I want to. I was just pointing out the strengths of a woman wether she choses to stay at home or work.

 

I REALLY think you actually have an over inflated view of women and the power over people's emotions.

 

Ask any man that has an angry wife who's emotions rule the household. There is an old saying....If mommy isn't happy, nobody is. Does that make it over inflated...then so be it.

 

I think men are just as impactful especially fathers.

 

Absolutely....it takes a real man to raise men and if there is not a "positive" father figure in a girls life she can end up really screwed up. It is such a fine balance and the reason I think that divorce should not be taken lightly. I am sure that there are alot of men/women out there that would tell you that being a single parent was not their first choice.

 

I think the parent that is around the children the most have the most impact (obviously).

 

I know many single parents who are great parents.

 

So do I. I am not knocking single parents at all.

 

And I think their divorce made for a better family dynamic. Keeping a mom and dad in the house, bar none, is a short sighted and dangerous stance.

 

I am not saying that all married people should remain so. I just think it is the easy answer today. Don't agree with your choice....divorce. Not happy...divorce. Do not want to compromise...divorce. Forget about the lasting effect on the children. And yes a divorce can be the best for some children, but not all.

 

I don't think people who have lived in a bad two parent set up really understand.

 

My childhood household was not perfect either. But I could not imagine being shipped between two seperate homes and dealing with new people going in and out of my parents lives.

 

It is just my opinion and I am sorry if it bothers anyone.

 

Underwater, what you were saying that the female has control/most impact over was not what you are saying here. And I think if you lived in a household with an angry/loud father that saying does not apply.

 

Yes there is a trite saying about if a woman isn't happy no one is happy but the reality is whomever is the dominant personality is the one who tends to color the mood of the household.

 

What I have found, if the parents are happy, the kids are happy. If the parents are not happy, the kids are not happy. Unfortunately, regardless of marital status and set up there are a large number of unhappy/discontent adults. They will raise malcontent or otherwise affected kids.