My wife told me she still is love with her X

[confused311]

I am newly married of less than two weeks. This past weekend my wife ran into her X BF's mother they spoke and she told me about it. That night while sitting outside and enjoying each others company she began to tell me how sad she was and she missed her X's family. I said I understand ( which I dont ) and I asked her if she still thinks of him ( Which she has told me in the past she did not) and she said yes. When i saw that look in her eyes I then asked if she still was " In Love" with him. She couldnt look at me and started crying. This has always been my worst fear and I am heart broken by this. We have always communicated very well and tell each other everything, but this was a blow that rocked me to my core. To be honest I am not sure what to do? We have had some intimate issues with her holding back and she said it was just a mental thing for her, but after this it just made me think the two are related. Am i crazy?

 

I am really lost and dont know what to do or say??? She swears that it is like the love of an old pet, but that was after she saw my face and heard how bad it hurt me. I am honestly shaken up and not sure what to say or do? This is the woman I love more than anything in the world...

[Mcnulty]

Do you have a good marriage? if so, she shouldn't have told you that. If the marriage is working, then why throw a spanner in like that?? That would really hurt, to hear your wife say that and i really empathize.

 

You need to get to the bottom of the matter, is she telling you this because she is unhappy/has doubts about you do you think?

[Sparty97]

2 weeks? Annulment.

[TiredFamilyGuy]

This stage in the marriage is called the honeymoon period. You are supposed to be all about each other.

 

But, instead your wife has feelings of loss and yearning and love outside of your marriage, invested in some lost relationship that you can't easily compete with because it has been romanticized in her heart.

 

Many on this board have that unfortunate experience later in marriage, when they are the poor spouse who has to take care of domestic duties and is not perfect while the "dreamboat other" target of the Emotional Affair, gets to have all the feelings of mystery, excitement and romantic love transferred onto them. Sounds like with you, it's not been transferred, you never had them (or to be generous, timeshared).

 

Your wife's lack of emotional maturity has stolen this from you. She is a fool for not having talked through her feelings about it with you before marriage. She is doubly a fool to have got married feeling like that, and then dumping it on you when you have no straightforward recourse - like putting the wedding on hold. She is triply a fool for not addressing it properly now other than by a partial confession of mixed feelings - no it is not like the feeling for an old pet, unless she f**cked Rover and he took her cherry.

 

You got married - exchanged vows of total commitment one with the other. Seems like she was less than honest there about her ability to make the deal.

 

Advice for you. She has ****ed it up for you, not the other way round. It is entirely OK to be angry with her as well as wanting her to stop being hurt. Don't pander to her "poor me" tragic-victim persona. Ask her how she would feel if you (or her BFF's new husband, say) started mooning over past girlfriends at this precise point in life. If she says, she would not mind, then she is a liar or her level of emotional connection with you is slight indeed. Ultimatum her to do what marriage is about and commit to the relationship she has. If she can't do that, wants to stay on the fence, then seek annulment immediately.

 

Being harsh there. But I was once in a relationship with someone who was always looking over her shoulder, so to speak. It hurt, and can't be fixed unless the fantasist takes the fantasy and kills it dead themselves.

 

Are you crazy? you ask. No. We have had some intimate issues with her holding back and she said it was just a mental thing for her Well, yeah, the mental thing is that she feels conflict. Hmmm... what could she have to feel conflict about? I know, how about, being in love with one person but in a relationship when she has to sleep with someone else. I guess she can make it through so long as she can fantasize it's him. A mental thing, yeah.

 

You say this is what you always feared - tell us more.

Edited March 25, 2013 by TiredFamilyGuy

[TiredFamilyGuy]

OP. I was thinking "Am I being harsh and judgemental? After all she did raise the issue herself, kind of." I have thought about it. Nah.

 

But obviously you must talk. So: let her talk. Things she shold be honest about: how often has she been thinking about him? For how long? With what end ie are they sexual fantasies, dreams of romantic escape, what? Has she ever wished you are him ( & in bed when eyes are closed and fantasising is easy, what then?)? When did she see him last? And the biggie - why, when they split up long since, is she explaining to her new husband why she is sitting there claiming to be in love with someone else?

 

Maybe it's dumb unresolved infatuation and you will eventually laugh about it. It certainly is possible to fall out of love. Unless she changes attitude big time quickly she may find out what it's like to be on the receiving end. BTW I suggest a new name for the Ex just to make it clear that his treasured golden memory is appropriately honoured: Something like F*ckwit.

[seibert253]

This issue needs to be resolved, sooner rather than later.

 

I think some MC is in order to find out where your future lies'

Both of you need to be brutally honest about this. You about how this makes you feel, and her whether her heart is given totally to you, or it remains with him.

 

Remember, you can't convince or counsel her into loving you and only you. If she's not all in, then she needs to be all out.