Question for the om that returned to his wife

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I know this has probably been addressed a thousand times, but I am new to this forum.

 

Anyway, my affair ended disasterously a little over 3 years ago. Hugely connective (as most are I am learning). Both of us married. He had always stated he wouldn't allow me to face everything on my own, but in the end he ran with his tail between his legs and did exactly as I predicted he would do. The exposure was very, very public.

 

I cannot help but believe that what we had was very real, but he just couldn't face leaving his family (two small children), the embarassment of ruining his reputation, etc. and decided to try to make it work. We have been no contact for almost 3 years now. There are a few things every now and again I see that appear to be a "message" of some type just saying he still cares, but very very little. He only leaves about 1/2 hour from me and we are originally from the same home town, so likelihood of running into him/them at some point is strong.

 

Anyway, without going into a long disortation, my question to men out there who have had affairs - do you still think about your mistress from time to time? Do you love her? Do you question sometimes if you made a mistake not being with her?

 

I have stayed with my husband trying to make it work as well (he has since had his own affair - another story), but even though it's better, there are days (like today) I could just curl up in a ball and cry for a very long time. I still miss him very much.

 

Thanks for your answers

[Mycatsnuggles]

OH NOOOOOO, I don't want to hear I could still be hurting thinking about him 3 years later!!! How long was your affair? I'm about 2 and ahalf years and trying to end it. I imagine I will always think of him, I had just hoped the longing and hurt would be over in months not years...

[RickFox]

I know this has probably been addressed a thousand times, but I am new to this forum.

 

Anyway, my affair ended disasterously a little over 3 years ago. Hugely connective (as most are I am learning). Both of us married. He had always stated he wouldn't allow me to face everything on my own, but in the end he ran with his tail between his legs and did exactly as I predicted he would do. The exposure was very, very public.

 

I cannot help but believe that what we had was very real, but he just couldn't face leaving his family (two small children), the embarassment of ruining his reputation, etc. and decided to try to make it work. We have been no contact for almost 3 years now. There are a few things every now and again I see that appear to be a "message" of some type just saying he still cares, but very very little. He only leaves about 1/2 hour from me and we are originally from the same home town, so likelihood of running into him/them at some point is strong.

 

Anyway, without going into a long disortation, my question to men out there who have had affairs - do you still think about your mistress from time to time? Not a day goes by I don't think of her but the fondness of the memories are not there anymore. Do you love her? I did once, but I can't love someone who acted like she did in the end, I wasted too much time and energy in that area. Do you question sometimes if you made a mistake not being with her? I don't ask questions anymore, right or wrong, I formed my own answers to any questions there might have been and I'm done with it.

 

I have stayed with my husband trying to make it work as well (he has since had his own affair - another story), but even though it's better, there are days (like today) I could just curl up in a ball and cry for a very long time. I still miss him very much.

 

Thanks for your answers

 

see above in bold

[thomasb]

"Anyway, without going into a long disortation, my question to men out there who have had affairs - do you still think about your mistress from time to time? Do you love her? Do you question sometimes if you made a mistake not being with her?"

 

Only when I'm here debating affairs do I ever think of her. I never loved her. I never wanted to be with her instead of my wife. And when I think back to that time it is with only remorse , disgust, and regret. With my actions and hers.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

@RickFox - thank you for your honesty. I guess maybe I'm on the flip side of you. My xOMM was the one that eventually cut it off completely with me. I was ready to throw away everything. In the end, though, as I look back it was a wise decision. No major decisions should ever be made as emotional as all of us were at the time. Now, over three years later, I don't know what I would do if he picked up the phone and called me now.

 

Yes catsnuggles, I am much, much better, but it is still hard. And frankly, it's really more the friendship I miss. He was one of my closest friends and we just messed up our boundaries badly. It was physical for only a few months, but in reality our "connection" goes back 18 years. We performed together, served in church together (yea, I know - stupid), families vacationed together, hung out together, etc.

 

It was (is still) extremely hard. There isn't a day that I don't wish that I could have stopped myself...

[thefooloftheyear]

@RickFox - thank you for your honesty. I guess maybe I'm on the flip side of you. My xOMM was the one that eventually cut it off completely with me. I was ready to throw away everything. In the end, though, as I look back it was a wise decision. No major decisions should ever be made as emotional as all of us were at the time. Now, over three years later, I don't know what I would do if he picked up the phone and called me now.

 

Yes catsnuggles, I am much, much better, but it is still hard. And frankly, it's really more the friendship I miss. He was one of my closest friends and we just messed up our boundaries badly. It was physical for only a few months, but in reality our "connection" goes back 18 years. We performed together, served in church together (yea, I know - stupid), families vacationed together, hung out together, etc.

 

It was (is still) extremely hard. There isn't a day that I don't wish that I could have stopped myself...

 

I have no doubt that he probably loved you. He just couldnt pull the trigger. He likely isnt contacting you not because he doesnt care, its just TOO PAINFUL to him

 

My $.02

 

TFOY

[FallenPrincess]

3 years ago seems like such a long time to still be dwelling on this affair. I can see 3 months, but there is something very unhealthy about how you are feeling after all this time.

 

I hope you can find peace and some kind of resolution so you don't keep beating yourself up over it.

[thefooloftheyear]

The typical dead line given for recovery from an affair for BS is 3-5 years...I would suspect that might be the same for some WS or AP as well. Not unhealthy according to the experts but if working with your husband is not producing desired results maybe marriage isn't the thing either.

 

 

3-5 years??? Really??

 

TFOY

[RickFox]

@RickFox - thank you for your honesty. I guess maybe I'm on the flip side of you. My xOMM was the one that eventually cut it off completely with me. I was ready to throw away everything. In the end, though, as I look back it was a wise decision. No major decisions should ever be made as emotional as all of us were at the time. Now, over three years later, I don't know what I would do if he picked up the phone and called me now.

 

Yes catsnuggles, I am much, much better, but it is still hard. And frankly, it's really more the friendship I miss. He was one of my closest friends and we just messed up our boundaries badly. It was physical for only a few months, but in reality our "connection" goes back 18 years. We performed together, served in church together (yea, I know - stupid), families vacationed together, hung out together, etc.

 

It was (is still) extremely hard. There isn't a day that I don't wish that I could have stopped myself...

 

Yeah, you're the opposite of mine only in the sexes. Xmw turned on me and cut me out of her life and yes I was ready to throw away everything I had for her. While our friendship went back about a year, we all hung out as friends and our daughters were playmates...not anymore but Im sure she told her H that I came onto her so she ended our friendship to explain the sudden disappearance.

 

It has taken me long enough to deal with everything and put my life back in order ... I have a lot of anger, mostly at me, for being stupid but I wasted alot of time pining for her, wishing she'd contact me and missing her... I gain nothing if I waste more time on her so I find no need to dwell on what once was as it is no more.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Only he knows for certain. Some, as you've seen, say they do think of the AP. Many don't, and regret the A. That doesn't mean the AP was a bad person, it just means the A was a mistake and anything relating to it is viewed as negative by association.

 

It's sad that you're still this wrapped up in such a person. He left you high and dry, never reached out, did what was in his best interest from the time the A started until, well, now, and you miss him?

 

Sorry - but you seem nice. What's to miss with this guy?

 

You are probably spot on and many of my friends have said the same thing. He was a coward. The thing about it being a long time frame in terms of recovery is we are from the same hometown, my house was a place we hung out a great deal, I drive by the church we served in every day, shared some of the same sets of friends, some of which completely abandoned my family in favor or supporting him - too much to go into - it has been pretty horrible - and honestly there isn't much to like about this guy - so why do I still pine? Today is particularly bad and I don't know why...

[contender]

It's been several months for me, and I still think about mine all the time. Fortunately, my xMOW went after another guy after our breakup, so I wasn't left with this silly idea that we were meant for each other and could be together if it just weren't for our spouses.

 

Lesson: People are with who they want to be with, whatever the reason. I dodged a bullet. Maybe you did, too.

[WhatsTheAnswer]

I know this has probably been addressed a thousand times, but I am new to this forum.

 

Anyway, my affair ended disasterously a little over 3 years ago. Hugely connective (as most are I am learning). Both of us married. He had always stated he wouldn't allow me to face everything on my own, but in the end he ran with his tail between his legs and did exactly as I predicted he would do. The exposure was very, very public.

 

I cannot help but believe that what we had was very real, but he just couldn't face leaving his family (two small children), the embarassment of ruining his reputation, etc. and decided to try to make it work. We have been no contact for almost 3 years now. There are a few things every now and again I see that appear to be a "message" of some type just saying he still cares, but very very little. He only leaves about 1/2 hour from me and we are originally from the same home town, so likelihood of running into him/them at some point is strong.

 

Anyway, without going into a long disortation, my question to men out there who have had affairs - do you still think about your mistress from time to time? Do you love her? Do you question sometimes if you made a mistake not being with her?

 

I have stayed with my husband trying to make it work as well (he has since had his own affair - another story), but even though it's better, there are days (like today) I could just curl up in a ball and cry for a very long time. I still miss him very much.

 

Thanks for your answers

Yes I love her very deeply. I would leave for her in an instant. But she got divorced (did not want to wait for me to leave) and found a single guy. I am broken hearted. I miss her dearly. She was the love of my life. She still texts me and I can tell she misses me and loves me even though she is in love with someone else.

 

It's the sad part of affairs, you meet someone so special but the real world crashes in around you to destroy your temporary happiness.

[WhatsTheAnswer]

Our affair ended a few months ago. She had left her husband back in July. She didn't want to wait for me to leave. She met a single guy and has been dating him. She has been contacting off on throughout the BU. She had recently mentioned that she is in total love with him.

 

I miss her deeply but I understand she is very happy.

 

I went NC after her final declaration of love for him even though we had off and on NC throughout BU.

 

What I don't understand is she has started wanting to text again as she misses communicating with me. If she has everything with this new guy and loves him, why bother reaching out to me?

[WhatsTheAnswer]

Prove it to her. LEAVE. Words mean nothing. Why stay if your heart isn't there?

 

Yes I had started to make plans to leave (not sure what I will ultimately do, I have had a lot of pressure to try to work things out first) but with respect to her it doesn't matter if I left FOR her she has moved on.

 

Although, per my previous post she has started to want to text again. I guess as friends. Not sure what she is thinking.

 

I have had many relationships in my life but an A is the most gut wrenching and confusing. And I'm the MM.

[ComingInHot]

This may seem on the shallow side of things but maybe she IS happy but.... she enjoys the attention you give her and how it makes her feel to know she is attractive and wanted by more than 'one' person.

 

Maybe she Only misses the 'friendship' you both had and that is all she is looking for now as she feels enough time has passed.

 

You tell us what You think. You know her. You know a little more what makes her "tick"*

[WhatsTheAnswer]

You were supposed to prove your love and leave. You did not. She does not believe you. Leave. Why are you still there if you are in love with someone else?

 

I hear you. I am in love with her. But as I have learned on this site that I am probably just caught up in the fog of my AP. I guess I am confused as to why you are suggesting I leave. Did you mean to go after my FOW? Or because I shouldn't be in the marriage? Or both?

 

I have been in therapy and spoken with family members and they all say to try to fix the marriage before I do anything. And not to make decision based on being caught up in your AP.

[WhatsTheAnswer]

This may seem on the shallow side of things but maybe she IS happy but.... she enjoys the attention you give her and how it makes her feel to know she is attractive and wanted by more than 'one' person.

 

Maybe she Only misses the 'friendship' you both had and that is all she is looking for now as she feels enough time has passed.

 

You tell us what You think. You know her. You know a little more what makes her "tick"*

 

I actually think it has to do more than just friendship. I think she still does have a lot of love for me. Meaning IN love. I'm sure she is just as confused as me. BUT I am not foolish to think she would get back with me.

[Decorative]

Our affair ended a few months ago. She had left her husband back in July. She didn't want to wait for me to leave. She met a single guy and has been dating him. She has been contacting off on throughout the BU. She had recently mentioned that she is in total love with him.

 

I miss her deeply but I understand she is very happy.

 

I went NC after her final declaration of love for him even though we had off and on NC throughout BU.

 

What I don't understand is she has started wanting to text again as she misses communicating with me. If she has everything with this new guy and loves him, why bother reaching out to me?

 

It's actually a gift to you.

 

Think about what this says about her loyalty and commitment.

 

She had an affair. She has a new relationship. And she still has pots boiling in the side.

 

This is who she is.

[Decorative]

but that's who he is too since he is having an affair.

 

Oh, I would not argue with that.

 

I am just pointing out he is pining over a woman who appears not to be a faithful type. Patterns.

[WhatsTheAnswer]

Oh, I would not argue with that.

 

I am just pointing out he is pining over a woman who appears not to be a faithful type. Patterns.

 

Well that's true of anyone in an affair.

[WhatsTheAnswer]

You were supposed to prove your love and leave. You did not. She does not believe you. Leave. Why are you still there if you are in love with someone else?

 

True she did not believe me. I had issues that I needed to address with her as well. We both were cheaters, we needed to talk about how we would prevent that from happening if we were to be together.

[WhatsTheAnswer]

It's actually a gift to you.

 

Think about what this says about her loyalty and commitment.

 

She had an affair. She has a new relationship. And she still has pots boiling in the side.

 

This is who she is.

 

Very true.

[Wellington]

It's been several months for me, and I still think about mine all the time. Fortunately, my xMOW went after another guy after our breakup, so I wasn't left with this silly idea that we were meant for each other and could be together if it just weren't for our spouses.

 

Lesson: People are with who they want to be with, whatever the reason. I dodged a bullet. Maybe you did, too.

 

Contender, sometimes people find others right away to fill a void. A distraction of sorts because break ups are too painful? Transition relationships happen all the time. Maybe she got the impression you had no intention of leaving your spouse. Maybe you told her you would be in contact and she waited, and waited, and waited and figured you were never coming back. Have you tried talking to her?! Just a thought....

[lilmisscantbewrong]

JohnJacobs,

 

Do you think that it is because your affair did not become physical that your wife decided she wanted to reconcile?

[chaser0195]

You are probably spot on and many of my friends have said the same thing. He was a coward. The thing about it being a long time frame in terms of recovery is we are from the same hometown, my house was a place we hung out a great deal, I drive by the church we served in every day, shared some of the same sets of friends, some of which completely abandoned my family in favor or supporting him - too much to go into - it has been pretty horrible - and honestly there isn't much to like about this guy - so why do I still pine? Today is particularly bad and I don't know why...

Maybe you miss the what ifs and the what could have beens. You didn't live with him day to day so its mostly a fantasy of what it would of been like. Maybe I am totally wrong but thats why a lot of people have a hard time moving on.