Tormented1497 Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 I was involved with a MM for 1.5 yrs, ending a couple of months ago because he left his wife, I am M. They are still separated and he is actively seeking other women though not divorcing yet. The W does not know he is actively seeking and they are in counseling. He has two small children. I am feeling terrible guilt over the A and feel I need to tell her b/c I would want to know if I were in her situation, esp with the two small kids and possibility of her agreeing to a no-fault divorce. She does know about an A he had a few yrs back though, just not about me. Suggestions? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 As a formerly betrayed spouse...I say tell. You'd want to know if you were her. She deserves to know the truth, and you know it. Simply (if not easy). Tell. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tormented1497 Posted March 25, 2013 Author Share Posted March 25, 2013 Yes, we are separating, he deserves better than me. I am concerned over the two small children and b/c well, according to the OM everything was always my fault, I feel guilt for telling her, how crazy is that? I see it for what it was now, even though he told me the polar opposite during the whole A and made me feel about two feet high for questioning things. Link to post Share on other sites
Mycatsnuggles Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 What is your purpose in telling? Would you really want to know in her case. She is about to be single, facing dating again at some point, knowing her husband has cheated on her at least twice if not more? how will this information benefit her? Is it possible this will only make her more insecure and angier with her STBX. Making co-parenting even more difficult for the two of them. I would examine your purpose in telling her. Perhaps you want to hurt you xom? Don't do this as some type of "she should really just know". For myself I wouldn't want this information, it would only serve to hurt me, as we are divorcing what difference does it make now. You said you ended because he left his wife. Sounds like your angry he is dating. Don't hurt her. Besides she may not be very thankful and tell your H about the affair. Are you ready for that? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 I was involved with a MM for 1.5 yrs, ending a couple of months ago because he left his wife, I am M. They are still separated and he is actively seeking other women though not divorcing yet. The W does not know he is actively seeking and they are in counseling. He has two small children. I am feeling terrible guilt over the A and feel I need to tell her b/c I would want to know if I were in her situation, esp with the two small kids and possibility of her agreeing to a no-fault divorce. She does know about an A he had a few yrs back though, just not about me. Suggestions? Be prepared for the fallout. Meaning, your husband will be told the truth of your A by either exMM or his wife. Are you ready to own your part in the A? Face your consquences? You feel his wife needs to know, but what about your husband? Doesn't he need to know the truth? Give that some thought. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 Yes, we are separating, he deserves better than me. I am concerned over the two small children and b/c well, according to the OM everything was always my fault, I feel guilt for telling her, how crazy is that? I see it for what it was now, even though he told me the polar opposite during the whole A and made me feel about two feet high for questioning things. Separating, but does your H know of your A? Did you confess ? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 What is your purpose in telling? Would you really want to know in her case. She is about to be single, facing dating again at some point, knowing her husband has cheated on her at least twice if not more? how will this information benefit her? Is it possible this will only make her more insecure and angier with her STBX. Making co-parenting even more difficult for the two of them. I would examine your purpose in telling her. Perhaps you want to hurt you xom? Don't do this as some type of "she should really just know". For myself I wouldn't want this information, it would only serve to hurt me, as we are divorcing what difference does it make now. You said you ended because he left his wife. Sounds like your angry he is dating. Don't hurt her. Besides she may not be very thankful and tell your H about the affair. Are you ready for that? The "hurt" was created by the affair...not by telling her. The OP's "motives" for telling the wife are actually irrelevent. As the OP said, she'd want to know if she were in the wife's position. Most of the BS's who have posted here have indicated that they'd want to know, regardless of who told, or why. Even if she's doing it to lash out at him...it still gets the much needed truth into his wife's hands so that she can make decisions and take actions as needed with complete information, rather than the partial info she's operating with today. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tormented1497 Posted March 25, 2013 Author Share Posted March 25, 2013 Yes, he knows, that is why we are separating, eventually divorcing, we just can't right now due to finances. Link to post Share on other sites
FallenPrincess Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 Oh my goodness, step away from the telephone. I don't see any good that this will do for any of the people involved. It is up to him to divulge that information if and when the time is right. You don't get to decide this. Back off. I mean this sincerely. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tormented1497 Posted March 25, 2013 Author Share Posted March 25, 2013 Thank you LadyGrey, very much. It's not b/c I want to do it, I would want to know if I were her, that's all. I have tons of proof, but I will be labeled the crazy person for saying something, does that make sense? Link to post Share on other sites
Cali408 Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 stay out of it you sound like your exacting revenge behind the mask of being honest Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tormented1497 Posted March 25, 2013 Author Share Posted March 25, 2013 Tell her. She deserves to know, especially if you're in a fault divorce state. Most of us would want to know so we can decide what we want to do, especially in regards to protecting ourselves financially. To the other poster - If I wanted to exact revenge, believe me he gave me many reasons to do that a long time ago. I was new to the whole affair thing and I guess I got "schooled". My only concern is the no-fault thing and the children. She doesn't work and quite honestly, does not deserve this, and again, I would WANT to know. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 She deserves to know. I'm a W, not a BS. It would kill me, but I'd want to know. Link to post Share on other sites
WakingUp Posted March 26, 2013 Share Posted March 26, 2013 I just told her last night that I have been in an affair with her husband for over four years. I called NC last Friday. I have mixed feelings, but mostly relief. I really hated what he was doing to her. If I was in her shoes, I would want to know. As previously said, everyone deserves to know the truth of their own life. Then again, every situation is different. Its a call only the people involved can make. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherRound Posted March 26, 2013 Share Posted March 26, 2013 Honestly, it sounds like it is pretty irrelevant as they are separated anyway and he is dating. If they are in the process of a divorce - why do you feel she needs to know this information? I can understand that you want to tell her bc he is out actively seeking others now, but it really doesn't seem like it matters at this point. Are you angry that he isn't trying to be with you since he is separated and you are separating and getting a divorce? I'm not accusing, just asking - bc as I read the details you gave, it seems like there really is no reason that she needs to know right now - unless you feel like she is in danger? And, if she agrees to a no-fault divorce, so what? Even a fault divorce doesn't usually work out that much differently anyway - just let them split their lives 50/50 and be done with it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted March 26, 2013 Share Posted March 26, 2013 Your intention sounds to be to help her, so tell her if that's what you consider is best. Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherRound Posted March 26, 2013 Share Posted March 26, 2013 The point AR is this woman ought to know the truth of her life, why things are the way they are, so she can make her own choices with the truth as a reference instead of a man still lying to her and probably pretending he is reconciling with her since they are going to counseling. I didn't see that they were reconciling? I missed that, sorry. That changes everything, yes- if he is tricking her into thinking that they are reconciling but has no true intention of doing so and is out actively seeking other women - then yes, she should know. Sorry, but OP sounds like there might be a bit of vindictiveness to her motivations too. Maybe not, and I'll give the benefit of the doubt - but something doesn't sound right to me about the whole thing... Link to post Share on other sites
jlola Posted March 26, 2013 Share Posted March 26, 2013 I didn't see that they were reconciling? I missed that, sorry. That changes everything, yes- if he is tricking her into thinking that they are reconciling but has no true intention of doing so and is out actively seeking other women - then yes, she should know. Sorry, but OP sounds like there might be a bit of vindictiveness to her motivations too. Maybe not, and I'll give the benefit of the doubt - but something doesn't sound right to me about the whole thing... Tell her! I had a crazy making relationship years back with someone I now realize was a narcissist. He had me groomed from the time we began dating. He would always say he would never cheat on anyone because of the pain he saw his father cause his mother. Also, that he did not want to get sued by any of his female employees(most were hired for looks because it was sales). He was very young and VERY good looking to be VP of a family owned company. Too many of the girls who worked for him had crushes on him(which I am sure he was an expert at cultivating) and there was an incident with one of the girl's boyfriends. But he would convince me I was the only one,he could never do to a woman what his father did. Besides,why would he take the chance of a lawsuit???? My body felt something was wrong, but he always made me out to be jealous and suspicious. I finally moved,changed my phone number and got out. I never had proof he cheated, but I would have loved for someone to confirm it, even years later. You just know something is off, but you can never really prove it. Crazy making! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tormented1497 Posted March 26, 2013 Author Share Posted March 26, 2013 I didn't see that they were reconciling? I missed that, sorry. That changes everything, yes- if he is tricking her into thinking that they are reconciling but has no true intention of doing so and is out actively seeking other women - then yes, she should know. Sorry, but OP sounds like there might be a bit of vindictiveness to her motivations too. Maybe not, and I'll give the benefit of the doubt - but something doesn't sound right to me about the whole thing... So your point is that anyone who tells is being vindictive? I do not agree. If I wanted to be vindictive I could have hung him months ago while they were still living together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tormented1497 Posted March 26, 2013 Author Share Posted March 26, 2013 Tell her! I had a crazy making relationship years back with someone I now realize was a narcissist. He had me groomed from the time we began dating. He would always say he would never cheat on anyone because of the pain he saw his father cause his mother. Also, that he did not want to get sued by any of his female employees(most were hired for looks because it was sales). He was very young and VERY good looking to be VP of a family owned company. Too many of the girls who worked for him had crushes on him(which I am sure he was an expert at cultivating) and there was an incident with one of the girl's boyfriends. But he would convince me I was the only one,he could never do to a woman what his father did. Besides,why would he take the chance of a lawsuit???? My body felt something was wrong, but he always made me out to be jealous and suspicious. I finally moved,changed my phone number and got out. I never had proof he cheated, but I would have loved for someone to confirm it, even years later. You just know something is off, but you can never really prove it. Crazy making! After reading tons on here (before I ever posted this) I realize I too was groomed, I was clueless. My worry now is that she will not get what she deserves, she has been the parent 99% of the time due to his job and health/mental issues. He wants a no-fault divorce, well of course he does. I wont write a letter LG. I'll do it face to face, she deserves that much. What I meant by crazy was he will say I'm crazy for telling her, never owning his own behavior. Maybe I am, and should just leave it be. Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted March 26, 2013 Share Posted March 26, 2013 Tormented, " 3 Posts: 7 Yes, we are separating, he deserves better than me. I am concerned over the two small children and b/c well, according to the OM everything was always my fault, I feel guilt for telling her, how crazy is that? I see it for what it was now, even though he told me the polar opposite during the whole A and made me feel about two feet high for questioning things." It comes across like he's manipulating you to therefore continue manipulating his W... I vote for Telling the BW* Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tormented1497 Posted March 26, 2013 Author Share Posted March 26, 2013 Tormented, " 3 Posts: 7 Yes, we are separating, he deserves better than me. I am concerned over the two small children and b/c well, according to the OM everything was always my fault, I feel guilt for telling her, how crazy is that? I see it for what it was now, even though he told me the polar opposite during the whole A and made me feel about two feet high for questioning things." It comes across like he's manipulating you to therefore continue manipulating his W... I vote for Telling the BW* Thank you, I think that too and have for quite some time now. I appreciate all the input. Link to post Share on other sites
Blondie1 Posted March 26, 2013 Share Posted March 26, 2013 Honestly, it sounds like it is pretty irrelevant as they are separated anyway and he is dating. If they are in the process of a divorce - why do you feel she needs to know this information? I can understand that you want to tell her bc he is out actively seeking others now, but it really doesn't seem like it matters at this point. . I don't see how you could possibly know this. Many people separate/file for D/even see others, but still end up reconciling their M. She deserves to know the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
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