Why stay?

[egalew]

Question. For those who decided to stay after discovering their spouse's affair what was the reason? And those who proceeded with divorce, what was the reason?

 

After discovery, can you ever really trust them again?

[Nyla]

My mother stayed because of her children.

 

Though the affair happened more than 15 years ago, she never truly forgave or trusted my father ever again.

 

She is still talking about the affair.

[underwater2010]

Quite simply I had to think about the kids and 13 yrs marriage. I also had to think about all the details and decide if I could live with it or not. In my situation it was a yes as long as he wanted the marriage too. The final detail was that it could be a one time lapse only. Any more mistakes and he is gone.

[ComingInHot]

I think, for me, it was So incredibly out of character for him (not just to me But to him too) and the many years of amazing memories and awesome adventures that included our two beautiful children, including the facts that he ended the A, never told her ILY, and asked over and over for a second chance, well, I decided it would be a shame to throw away ALL OF THAT w/out trying then wonder forever if we had just given it one more shot.

 

Besides the incredibly horrid run-on sentence, I hope this answers your question lol*

[Decorative]

Egalew-

 

You're an affair partner, correct? Is there a specific facet you are looking for, or just the trust issue?

 

The answers you've gotten so far line up with what I believe.

 

I was ready to walk. I did toss him out. I was ready to end the marriage, and had taken steps to do so.

 

But it was his extraordinary effort to turn the world upside down to heal himself and our marriage that convinced me to try.

 

I will never trust him 100% again. we're at 99% years after the affair.

 

But here's the thing I learned- I never should have trusted him 100% before. Blind trust isn't a function of healthy love the way I thought it was. But a trust that gets repeatedly demonstrated and can be checked whenever- and verified? Adds a layer of depth that is really hard to explain unless you've walked through it.

 

It's like checking a math problem with a calculator. That confirmation.

 

That being said - most reconciled couples I know- it's not the betrayed spouse doing the checking. It tends to be the wayward offering proof- without ever being asked.

 

It's a new dynamic. And it's good. Really good.

[Spotme]

There wasn't just one reason I stayed and my staying initially, as I told him at the time, was no guarantee that I would not leave later if I didn't see the changes I needed to see from him or I felt that I could not get past his betrayal. That being said, my reasons, short and long term and not necessarily in order, except for the first two, were: I had loved him for more than 20 years and that wasn't instantly wiped out by his acts;I believe that he has been and could be again the good man and wonderful partner that he was not during the affair; he agreed to make major life changes (changes that were in his best interests as well as mine and our family's); he terminated all contact with the AP; he outed his behavior to his family before he and I had even had a discussion post discovery, which was a strong indicator to me of his seriousness about making things right; he was (almost) completely honest with me; he was in obvious pain and begged to be given a second chance; and, it was in my daughter's best interest (although we agreed right off the bat that neither wanted to reconcile if it was only for her). Those are the reasons I can think of right now.

 

Will I ever trust him again? I trust him more as each month passes based on his openness and the ways in which he has shown rededication to our future together, and can see myself getting to 99% down the road, as other posters above have said they do.

[eleanorrigby]

Because at the end of the day, he's who I want to be with. And no, I won't have the same kind of trust I had before, but I've found that I can live with it as long as he continues to be transparent with me.

[waterwoman]

Because I wanted to, because he wanted me to, because the affair wasn't important enough to throw away all those years of love and memories, because the positives outweighed the negatives. A 6 month EA was a mere flea bite in comparison to what we had.

 

Having said all that, the above were reasons to try. The jury is still out on whether we will succeed. I think we will.

[AnotherRound]

I ended it with my exH. Not necessarily bc of the affair he had, I maybe could have dealt with that, but because he lied to me. That, I couldn't get over. I knew when I ended it with him that it meant that the OW was "getting" him - but I wasn't going to stay just to keep someone else from having him (although I had felt like that in much younger relationships as a teenager).

 

For me, at the point he looked me right in the face and lied - I was done with the marriage. We did try to reconcile, but I would have never married him again - we could have never been really close again, bc I just didn't care much for him as a person at that point. I can forgive a lot of things, but lying isn't one of them - especially not about something so big.

[seren]

I stayed simply because it suited me to, I love H with all that I have. Had I thought and if I think we had no future I would have and still would leave. We had been together 23 years or so when he had an A, the A was snatched moments over 8 months, not that time makes much difference, but, balanced against the wonderful life we had shared up until the A, the scales leaned very much toward he and I reconciling and making us work.

 

We both changed after the A, our relationship changed and we are here some 5 and a half years later, together, in love and happy. Had H wanted to leave, I would have helped to untangle our life together and wished him well, thing is, he fought for us with every bit of his being and over the years I have seen first hand (not stats) how much he feels remorse for the A. Not all A's are for love, had he loved then he wouldn't be here. I have never checked up on him simply because I knew he that when he had the A, he was acting so out of character I thought he had been replaced by space aliens. Circumstances at that time will not happen again, he has learned how to address issues he had at the time and we have reconciled.

So, yes I trust him, not blindly as I once did, but I am not sure that was healthy for us both, but I trust him with me and my heart and that is enough for us.

[Poppy fields]

I left because he was abusive and the affair was just the icing on the cake. It made my decision to leave really simple. I was gone within 2 days of finding out. I completely left the state.

[sunshine63]

My H had a two year affair with another women after 20+ years of marriage.They had daily contact and monthly "overnights," with hook-ups whenever they could. I found the correspondence, the phone bills with calls that lasted for an hour and a half. He had unprotected sex with her and told her he loved her. I know he loved her.

 

I divorced him. Period.

 

After becoming single, I found myself in love with a MM!

 

Life is full of twist and turns. As much as I was devastated for what he did to me - I have learned I am no better.

 

I question my decision. Could we have healed with help?

 

I will never know...

[seibert253]

Three reasons why I stayed:

1. My FWW busted her azz to save our M.

2. I did not want my son to grow up a child of D and another statistic

3. I love my FWW. Always did, even after she ripped out my heart.

[Improudofme]

I will tell you why I stayed. It was a horrible and ridiculous time, my MM confused as to what he wanted - he was caught up in feelings for another woman. We seperated. I just wanted nothing to do with him.

 

The thing is- when people talk about the affair- it seems like a love story between the Ap and the WS. Actually that is all you ever hear about- The WS and Ap are torn apart by a Bs and responsibilities to children - to a marraige that could never be good- after all why would someone have an affair-if they were so happy. It just happened- we were drawn to each other.

 

However, what I feel is totally overlooked by most AP's is that may be their love story- but you are totally over looking the love story between the WS and BS.

I get tired and weary from hearing Ap's talk about how they had their one and true love with the WS. He already has that- he has his one true love and it came way before you. And as many love stories start-- WE were drawn to each other too. It just happened. When I met my Ws I wanted nothing to do with him. My mother was dying- I wanted no one- yet he came into my life and turned into my Knight in Shining Armor - it was a chance meeting but something clicked- he was nothing like the man I thought I'd marry. He saved me from a place I never thought I would be. When i looked into his eyes - I felt safe and loved and he did with me as well. We came together we made love - like you we laughed - we held hands and our hearts collided. We built a life together out of this love. We Have a love story TOO.

 

So when you think that the WS is living a torturous life. They too had a meeting - they too had days that they looked into each other's eyes and told each other secrets that may be long forgotten - but they too had a whirlwind of excitement. They too had days where they couldn't keep their hands off of each other- couldn't stand to be apart. It may have been years ago, but when it is snatched away from them, by poor choices made by one or the other, and with a risk of losing it forever, becomes clear and bright. They had walked down that aisle and said I choose you forever.

 

Most WS aren't staying with thier BS because they have to- they are at a place that their choices may have cost them a lifetime of memories- That choosing to sleep with another - may truly cost them the love of their lives. So when they say I can't leave and give you the assorted reasons-to win you over --- Remember---------This isn't about they built a family together - the must stay for the children- because they have a house because it would ruin them financially. It is a clear choice to stay and continue the love story they created together with their BS.

 

 

 

Yes- I left- and my WS spent a year telling me he could not live without me- Yes he called the AP and told her he missed her.- something he doesn't understand to this day- I could have cared less what he did with her. People call this a fog- I call it stupidity.

 

But when it came down to it - after years of hurt and pain- the love story continues with me and my husband. He could have chose the Ap- I could have chose another.

 

But I chose my original love story. Don't forget while you are running around - sneaking away for your stolen minutes - the man of your dreams has already been there and done that with the woman he chose to spend the rest of his life with.

 

I chose to be with him for the rest of my life and stay because we rekindled our love story- we chose to live and realize that our love story - although worn by the test of time- is still and will always be our own unique love story - One that includes financial problems and running around to baseball and soccer games and now an affair---------yes we may be too tired to jump each other every other second for a quicky- but that is our love story.

 

 

The question should not be- Why did you stay- but why did the WS stay. The WS has a choice you know.

 

People move mountains to be with the one they love! My WS moved mountains for me- to save the love story we shared.

[waterwoman]

So when you think that the WS is living a torturous life. They too had a meeting - they too had days that they looked into each other's eyes and told each other secrets that may be long forgotten - but they too had a whirlwind of excitement. They too had days where they couldn't keep their hands off of each other- couldn't stand to be apart. It may have been years ago, but when it is snatched away from them, by poor choices made by one or the other, and with a risk of losing it forever, becomes clear and bright. They had walked down that aisle and said I choose you forever. .

 

 

Love love love this post! Yes, we have a love story too. It's a long story, an epic tale. And it encompasses EVERYTHING. Love, loss, children, illness, joy and sadness. He is my other half. We lost sight of each other - note WE lost sight of each other, it wasn't a fault of me, the BS alone, but BOTH of us. But I was thje one that got punished. And when he realised what a stupid fool he had been, how short-sighted, how close he came to losing what he had and really valued, he couldn't say goodbye to OW fast enough. Yes he loved her in a way, there was excitement and novelty and deliciousness of secrecy, and it was a love story of a sort, but set within a bigger more important one. H decided he preferred the Epic to the Mills and Boon Romance

 

I know there are dead marriages out there. I know of one that is in it's death throes and it will be a mercy when it's gone - and yes brief infidelity was involved (and I'll be honest in this case I can't even really blame the WS ). I know there are marriages that didn't do what it said on the tin, that didn't come up to scratch, where there is neglect and cruelty, dashed hopes etc etc. I know that! Everyone does. But not all marriages hurt by infidelity are like that.

[Athens]

Why did I stay? Because I love him and he loves me. Yes, he hurt me more than anyone ever could but I learned a lot about him, myself and our marriage through hours and hours of painful discussions and soul searching. Its rare that a couple can stare down something like this and come out stronger and closer-so far we have.

 

Interesting side note-at first he felt like his AP meant something to him-but as clarity set in he realized that she was just there at a low point in his life and she was willing to humiliate herself and allow herself to be used. I think for both of us-figuring out he was capable of using someone like that was difficult-no one wants to treat another that way and knowing you did that is painful.

[Furious]

When I discovered the affair I handed my husband his suitcase and wished him well.

 

He stayed in a hotel for six weeks, continuously calling me and asking a for second chance. In those six weeks he became proactive and began individulal counselling, he went to my parents who had loved him like and son and tearfully apologized. He wrote heart felt letters to each of our children and promised that even if it took the rest of his life he would work hard at restoring their respect and love for him.

 

I saw that he was truly making every effort to prove how hard he was willing to fight for me.

 

When he came home he very emotional and thanked me for that second chance and promised me I would never regret that gift I was giving him.

 

 

That first night he came home, I asked him to look in my closet and take out a cardboard box I had tucked in the corner. In that box I had every card and love letter he wrote to me since the first day we met. In that box were silly momentos like movie stubs and concert stubs, all kinds of little things that were pieces of the times and places we shared.

 

 

My closet is where I kept the photo albums that showed our history.

Our first little house and the tulips we planted. The mismatch of furniture and the big bed we made love and slept in. The gatherings, the parties, our smiles and hugs as we looked into the camera. Pictures of our newborn babies, and how they grew, the moves and changes, the anniversaries, us on the beach, us on holidays, our family, all the celebrations, all the seasons of our history.

Those pictures don't lie, we were happy, we loved each other.

 

That night we both cried and smiled looking at those pictures and we wanted to fill more albums with our future together.

 

That is why I stayed.

[katielee]

question: I'm still here but he cheated twice, I had to catch him both times. Yes, he's remorseful but those facts eat and my soul and I'm not sure I can live and be with him at the same time.

[dichotomy]

For now I stay for my child, but as long as I am staying for while i might as well try to turn things around. Ya never know.

[jnel921]

You don't know unless you try.

 

Worth a shot in my book. Especially when the WS is remorseful.

[2.50 a gallon]

We knew each other for 3 years, one of which we lived together, prior to taking our vows.

 

I am a big sport nut, especially for football, for her I only watched one game a day. A month after the wedding, my team finally makes it to the Super Bowl for the very first time. The last game of the season.

 

I sort of knew our marriage was over when she came into the living room at half time and said "I suppose you going to watch the whole F...ing game"

 

You would think after 3 years she would have figured this out.

 

Six months into the marriage, 4 of them listening to her worker OM's advice, and then catching her cheating.

 

No Children. She was supposed to be the mother of my children.

 

No Way was I going to short change my kids with a mother like that.

 

Even though I loved her like no one else at that time, I walked.

[2.50 a gallon]

Add on question

 

For those who had children and stayed, how many of you would be gone had there not been any kids?

[underwater2010]

Add on question

 

For those who had children and stayed, how many of you would be gone had there not been any kids?

In all honesty....I probably would have packed my bags and headed cross country to my mother. It would have been up to him to woe me back.

[Athens]

I have two kids and honestly, they played into my gut reaction on Dday to stay but if things were not going as well as they are now, I would not allow having kids be the reason to stay and work it out. Once the initial shock and desire to protect your family wears off, you become more yourself and start thinking of yourself- at least thats how its working for me-

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Add on question

 

For those who had children and stayed, how many of you would be gone had there not been any kids?

 

I gave this a lot of thought during my reconciliation and IC.

 

My two young kids gave me the motivation to stick it out when it got really hard.

 

If not for the kids, I most likely would've eventually walked away at some point and divorced. I'll point out that there were many times that I walked out the front door not knowing if I was coming back.

 

I wouldn't say that "I stayed for the kids". My thinking was if I did end up divorcing my WW, I wanted to be able to tell my kids that I gave it my all to make it work.