BF put spyware on my phone, & spied for over two months

[angelcake]

My BF and I have been together exclusively for 15 months. For awhile, I noticed he would bring up random subjects that I had just discussed earlier on a text with a friend, or he would lecture me on something that I had been talking to a friend or relative about. I would stop and think "wow, it's as if he seen the texts" but I put it out of my mind because I never really thought he would go that far. But last week, I had said some things to my friend and once again, he brought up that topic, and finally the red flags couldn't be denied.

 

 

So I put some anti-spyware on my phone and it found an app containing spyware. I dug a little deeper, and found another app, and two files he had downloaded. One was from about 10 wks ago and the other was about 5 weeks ago. He and I are long distance, but see each other frequently. Both of the apps were downloaded in the middle of the night when I was with him, so I knew he had done it.

 

I confronted him and he denied it, but finally admitted what he had done. I googled and read about the apps and he was getting every text I received and sent, all my phone logs, pics I took with the phone's camera, plus GPS and web browsing history.

 

 

I feel so very violated and this has put a huge strain on our relationship. He said it was due to his insecurities, because I am out of his league! And, he didn't find any evidence of cheating because I am NOT. But, I did have private texts with my girl friends, about their love lives, problems they were having, etc that were none of his business and had nothing to do with him. I think he had plenty of time to figure out I wasn't cheating but yet he continued to spy on me and violate my privacy. I feel that in the end it came down to him trying to be controlling, because he would take those texts and try to control the situation without giving himself away.

 

 

Now, other than that, he has been a wonderful BF. He is loving, kind, tries hard to be romantic and respectful. I love him and want to believe he is the person I thought I knew, but I am having a very hard time getting past him doing this. He even paid $70 for one of the apps! He asks me "doesn't everything else I have done for you count for anything?" and I think yes, it does, but he has taken the trust I had in him and betrayed it. He knows I value my privacy and want to maintain my independence as a free-thinking individual, not someone who has to share EVERY single part of their life with him. He says a relationship should have no boundaries, but I believe we all are entitled to private conversations with a friend or even their MOTHER! I don't know whether to forgive and try to forget or just to call it quits. Opinions?

[Poppy fields]

I would get out of this relationship as soon as possible. He sounds crazy possessive. Do you want to deal with his insecurities long term? There are plenty of people out there that will treat you with respect.

[camillalev]

Wow.. that is INSANE. This guy has no respect for your boundaries. Honestly if someone did this with me I would not be able to look at them in the same way.

[chelsea2011]

My BF and I have been together exclusively for 15 months. For awhile, I noticed he would bring up random subjects that I had just discussed earlier on a text with a friend, or he would lecture me on something that I had been talking to a friend or relative about. I would stop and think "wow, it's as if he seen the texts" but I put it out of my mind because I never really thought he would go that far. But last week, I had said some things to my friend and once again, he brought up that topic, and finally the red flags couldn't be denied.

 

 

So I put some anti-spyware on my phone and it found an app containing spyware. I dug a little deeper, and found another app, and two files he had downloaded. One was from about 10 wks ago and the other was about 5 weeks ago. He and I are long distance, but see each other frequently. Both of the apps were downloaded in the middle of the night when I was with him, so I knew he had done it.

 

I confronted him and he denied it, but finally admitted what he had done. I googled and read about the apps and he was getting every text I received and sent, all my phone logs, pics I took with the phone's camera, plus GPS and web browsing history.

 

 

I feel so very violated and this has put a huge strain on our relationship. He said it was due to his insecurities, because I am out of his league! And, he didn't find any evidence of cheating because I am NOT. But, I did have private texts with my girl friends, about their love lives, problems they were having, etc that were none of his business and had nothing to do with him. I think he had plenty of time to figure out I wasn't cheating but yet he continued to spy on me and violate my privacy. I feel that in the end it came down to him trying to be controlling, because he would take those texts and try to control the situation without giving himself away.

 

 

Now, other than that, he has been a wonderful BF. He is loving, kind, tries hard to be romantic and respectful. I love him and want to believe he is the person I thought I knew, but I am having a very hard time getting past him doing this. He even paid $70 for one of the apps! He asks me "doesn't everything else I have done for you count for anything?" and I think yes, it does, but he has taken the trust I had in him and betrayed it. He knows I value my privacy and want to maintain my independence as a free-thinking individual, not someone who has to share EVERY single part of their life with him. He says a relationship should have no boundaries, but I believe we all are entitled to private conversations with a friend or even their MOTHER! I don't know whether to forgive and try to forget or just to call it quits. Opinions?

 

I have a friend who this happened to and she still has not been able to get over the betrayal. He never admitted it to her, but she knew because of the very same reasons you stated above.

 

The truth is, this not normal behavior and it is a severe violation of your privacy. Unless he quits justifying his actions as "no relationship has boundaries" and sincerely SINCERELY apologizes for his actions and "sees" how skewed his thinking is then I would walk.

[chelsea2011]

I'm willing to bet that he would not allow you to do this to him. That's where the flawed thinking comes in...he felt entitled, but d*mn sure wouldn't let it happen to him.

[clia]

This is my face right now:

 

You need to dump this guy immediately. What he did goes beyond minor insecurities about a relationship -- it is a flat out breach of your privacy. It won't get better. Does he feel better now? Does he trust you now? Probably not. He's too insecure in himself to ever trust you.

 

Now, other than that, he has been a wonderful BF.

 

Oh, other than him spying on you, he's a great boyfriend?

 

He is loving, kind, tries hard to be romantic and respectful.

 

Don't forget outrageously, incredibly insecure.

 

I love him and want to believe he is the person I thought I knew, but I am having a very hard time getting past him doing this.

 

No kidding!

 

He even paid $70 for one of the apps!

 

I'm going to just assume that you can see how looney tunes this is. He paid $70 to spy on you! He could've taken you out to dinner with that money!

 

He asks me "doesn't everything else I have done for you count for anything?"

 

No, no it doesn't. He took your phone, downloaded apps onto it without your knowledge and spied on you!

 

He says a relationship should have no boundaries, but I believe we all are entitled to private conversations with a friend or even their MOTHER!

 

The two of you have a fundamental disconnect. What he did is NOT okay.

[soccerrprp]

Frankly, this guy sounds dangerous. I would move on.

[TaraMaiden]

TRUST is the MOST fundamentally vital component in any Relationship.

if he has violated that trust - and believe me, he most certainly has - then he does not merit your respect.

He maintained spying on you long after it was necessary to do so - and you're quite right - he also violated the privacy of your friends, who naturally assumed they were speaking to you confidentially.

 

His referral and hints about what he learned was just a form of control.

If he truly had reservations about your trustworthiness, he would have discovered it a lot sooner, and his suspicions would have been confirmed.

 

As it is, there is no such betrayal.

 

His behaviour is despicable - and I'll be honest - there is nothing he could do, for me, to make up for this.

 

At all.

So to answer his question -

 

"doesn't everything else I have done for you count for anything?"

 

I would reply:

 

'Everything you have done for me would have counted for EVERYTHING. Now I see that all your actions were actually borne out of guilt, because you KNEW you were doing something wrong, and wanted to make up for it, by being supposedly wonderful.

 

Your insecurities have gotten you into serious trouble.

 

Get professional help.

But me? I'm done here.

 

Out of your league? I'll say - and out of your LIFE, too!!

 

Now clear out - !!'

[todreaminblue]

Being spied on is a violation of rights, the right to be trusted being the biggest, with today being the days we are in it is hard to trust anyone, so it comes down to motives and insecurities, if i am being spied on, i normally know it, starts as a feeling and builds and i dont let on, i see how far it will go,try and work out the motives.......the reasons behind the subterfuge and decide then if they have legitimacy to be cautious with me....i have had to be in defense of who i am and what i have done many times..so i understand others needing to have full awareness.....its not hard to understand why people spy on each other....motives of intentionally setting out to hurt a person are unforgivable,if spying or stealth is used to do harm then its an unforgivable act........in saying that, stealth would have to stop to continue a relationship with this guy,a bit of honesty and reflection and admittance would not go astray in your situation you have to decide what he means to you and what the real motives for the stealth involve...if it is too control or protect.........and then make a decision when i have what i believe is truth behind the situation regarding stealth and my private affairs.......deb

[Standard-Fare]

Too big of a deal for you to overlook it. Doesn't matter how many other great qualities he has.

 

Tell him you're skeeved out and need some time to yourself. There's no way the two of you can just pretend everything's hunky dory right now.

 

I don't know if there will be a way to forgive him and trust him in the future. For me, it's hard to imagine what could make this "better." But whatever happens you need to step back right now and show him this was not OK at all. I'm pretty sure it's also illegal.

 

In the meantime, please, for the love of God, change all of your passwords and start setting up/paying attention to security features. I mean, beyond the texts, this guy has no doubt been through all of your emails so he has access to A LOT of your information and possibly other accounts. Bills, calendars, probably online chats...

[dasein]

15 months and happy other than this? I'd try to move past it with an understanding that nothing like this ever goes on again. Would give a second chance and stick firmly to that. Agree in principle with the thread, but disagree as to outcome. Good luck whatever you decide.

[pbjbear]

I actually kind of disagree with many people here. I think you should have a serious talk with him, give yourself time to be alone and cool down and if he ever does it again leave.

 

Once I read the part where he said "you are out of my league" and you said all the stuff he does for you I came to that conclusion (I have yet to find a guy who has all the good qualities you listed about him). If this is seriously the only bad thing hes done like you say see if you can move past it.

[todreaminblue]

I actually kind of disagree with many people here. I think you should have a serious talk with him, give yourself time to be alone and cool down and if he ever does it again leave.

 

Once I read the part where he said "you are out of my league" and you said all the stuff he does for you I came to that conclusion (I have yet to find a guy who has all the good qualities you listed about him). If this is seriously the only bad thing hes done like you say see if you can move past it.

 

 

I agree, I dont know how many women i have talked to with a cheating spouse have hired a private investigator, considered a long time ago doing something similar as a career as i did stealth missions for friends for free,someone suggested that i should get qualified.......i go more on instinct though.......its not unusual for women to follow up even follow a partner see where they go why is it so hard to think a guy might do it ....technology allows it because people saw a need as a consumer to provide that technology it swings both ways.......it is utilized by many ....to watch teens, protect children from predators,to find lovers or partners or wayward spouses....there si so much deception going on .......its big business to provide outlets for ways to uncover deception .......i dont think its right or should there be a need to do it...doesnt mean that need doesn't exist.......its understandable.....just cant continue for ever ....there has to be a bridge built for trust to go both ways ....that's when spying has to stop....chances need to given to maintain an otherwise healthy relationship...again two way street.........deb

[Standard-Fare]

I don't get how you all could not see that this is a MAJOR breach of trust and privacy that should potentially be a relationship dealbreaker.

 

It's not like she left her email account open and he got a little nosy and peeked around. No. This dude, in the middle of the night, while she was sleeping, installed software on her phone so he could keep close track of her activities. And he paid $70! There is nothing innocent about that.

 

Beyond that, he used the private information he got through his snooping to try to give himself the upper hand in interactions and conversations with her.

 

It's creepy, it's manipulative, and it points to some major character flaws in him. Even if that flaw is insecurity, which theoretically may be forgivable... is that something this girl should have to deal with for the long term? "You're out of my league" is not an excuse for this.

[todreaminblue]

I don't get how you all could not see that this is a MAJOR breach of trust and privacy that should potentially be a relationship dealbreaker.

 

It's not like she left her email account open and he got a little nosy and peeked around. No. This dude, in the middle of the night, while she was sleeping, installed software on her phone so he could keep close track of her activities. And he paid $70! There is nothing innocent about that.

 

Beyond that, he used the private information he got through his snooping to try to give himself the upper hand in interactions and conversations with her.

 

It's creepy, it's manipulative, and it points to some major character flaws in him. Even if that flaw is insecurity, which theoretically may be forgivable... is that something this girl should have to deal with for the long term? "You're out of my league" is not an excuse for this.

 

 

Its only creepy when it is to do harm........nearly every person on this planet has been under surveillance once or twice in their life......you just never know it you never get todl or informed.....i prefr to be told when i am under observation and deal with it....he came clean...every click you make on a computer can be monitored adn you arent even aware its happening............deb

[angelcake]

Thanks to everyone for the replies. I have told him I need time to process all of this, but I tend to agree with the majority here in that he severely violated my privacy as well as that of anyone I texted with. He did call two of my friends and apologized, and has begged me for a chance to make it right.

 

But, how do you "make right" the fact that he spied on me for over two months? The second time he downloaded an app WHILE I WAS SLEEPING! (AND SICK MIND YOU!) he could have just as easily taken the first app off and I would have never known. At that point he had already stalked me for a month and should have had his answers. Instead he added insult to injury and put the second app on there that gave him more info than the first!

 

I'm feeling violated and disgusted, naturally, but the biggest issue for me is that this is just a symptom of a much bigger problem. This is absolutely more than insecurities, and yes he was using the texts to gain an upper hand on me, and he certainly gave himself away whilst doing it! This feels more like a control tactic to me, and a pretty sick one at that.

 

I suppose I've been in shock for the past week because I never ever felt like he was capable of this. He seemed so genuine and loving but looking back, I guess there were signs that I didn't pick up on. It's going to be hard, my kids are close to him as he has came and spent weeks here with us, vacationed together, etc. Sigh...why do people have to screw up a good thing!!!!!

[TaraMaiden]

The biggest issue of it being a symptom of a much bigger problem - with regard to his insecurity - is NOT your problem, it's his, and you cannot fix it.

Neither should you ever be expected to, or asked to.

 

The 'much bigger problem' with regard to his controlling tendency - is something you really have to knock on the head now.

 

Sadly, the one who has to shoulder the blame for ruining the situation between him and your kids - is him.

If they ask why this is over - Tell them the truth.

Don't sugar the pill and make excuses or allowances for him.

 

He doesn't deserve that, and they merit respect by being given the truth.

He's an out-and-out deceitful controlling man.

Don't perpetuate that deceit by masking his despicable behaviour.

Be honest.

 

He's a jerk.

And he's just signed his own Exit Visa.

[Poppy fields]

In my opinion, having children is even more of a reason to get away from this creeper. Do you want your children to think lying and manipulating their Mother is acceptable behavior? That is what you would be telling them by allowing this man to continue to be a part of your lives.

 

Good luck.

[GravityMan]

Holy s**t...

 

Invading one's privacy is bad enough...but your boyfriend took it to another level. That is seriously messed up. I agree with most that it's probably best to end things with him.

 

This guy needs help.

[angelcake]

In my opinion, having children is even more of a reason to get away from this creeper. Do you want your children to think lying and manipulating their Mother is acceptable behavior? That is what you would be telling them by allowing this man to continue to be a part of your lives.

 

Good luck.

 

You are right Poppy fields, having my children think that I accept that type of behavior from a man is absolutely wrong. Especially given that I have a pre-teen daughter whom I have tried to instill strength and independence into. My son is a teenager who sat beside of my while I searched my phone. I didn't want to drag him into it, but he was more familiar with the phone model than I, and he helped me find the time/date of the downloads.

 

I do not want them to think their mother takes crap from a man EVER. He has embarrassed me to my family and friends, he even read texts between my kids and me, like that was gonna get him somewhere. He read it all!

 

You know, and all he had to do was ask to see my phone whenever we were together and I would have handed it over. I had nothing to hide. I just keep getting myself worked up over it, I haven't been able to eat or function well. I believe this has to be second to cheating! Not only that, but yes he actually commited a crime in doing this.

[TaraMaiden]

So... we're talking about your EX- here.....

 

 

....Right......?

[angelcake]

I cannot even speak to him right now. Everytime I do, all I want to do is rehash things, curse, and yell. So it's best I don't contact him or answer his calls. All that does is makes me feel like my chest is getting tight and I can't breathe. Do I think he's sorry? YES. But sorry doesn't fix it and he is probably only sorry he got caught. I also think if we talk he will try to persuade me to change my mind and I am the forgiving type so I don't want to fall for that BS.

 

I know he's hurting as well. He even called my mother and cried (and this man is mid- 40's) and asked her what he should do. She told him to give me my space.

 

His family, they love me. He has done this to him as well.

 

It's really sad that his actions broke us apart. I hate him right now. Thanks for letting me vent.

[TaraMaiden]

Tell her - Don't ask - TELL - that the next time he calls, she quite simply says to him:

 

"*angelcake* wants you to know it's over. She doesn't want to see you ever again. The damage you have done is unforgivable and irreparable, and you have nobody but yourself to blame. Please do not insult her by keeping on calling and begging. Take it as read, this is done, and ends here."

 

 

Would she do that for you if you asked her to?

[angelcake]

So... we're talking about your EX- here.....

 

 

....Right......?

 

I can't even speak to him now so I think he needs to stress and worry and wonder what I'm thinking. I know he took several days off work because he is so torn up. And in the end I'm going to tell him sorry, you sealed your own fate. I'm just trying to find the right words to make it as painful as I can.

[angelcake]

Tell her - Don't ask - TELL - that the next time he calls, she quite simply says to him:

 

"*angelcake* wants you to know it's over. She doesn't want to see you ever again. The damage you have done is unforgivable and irreparable, and you have nobody but yourself to blame. Please do not insult her by keeping on calling and begging. Take it as read, this is done, and ends here."

 

 

Would she do that for you if you asked her to?

 

Yes she would tell him that. But I don't think he will be calling her about it again. He was trying to tell her his side of things and she let it be known I was her child and I come first in this and that she would not be taking his side nor urging me to make it work with him.