BF put spyware on my phone, & spied for over two months

[TaraMaiden]

"Hey, you snivelling heap of rotten excuse for a man... guess what? You overstepped the mark. You've sunk so low, you're deeper than a python's balls in a wheel-rut. You're despicable, hateful and frankly, whatever respect my children and I might have had for you, is crushed underfoot like an empty snail-shell. I have more respect for horse-schytt than I do for you.

You know why?

because I can see it's horse schytt, I can smell it's horse schytt, it feels like horse schytt and it's good for the roses.

You? You're unreal, and everything you stood for was a complete and utter travesty.

You did this - you deal with it. Reap what you've sown. Enjoy being alone.

I already do, because being alone is far better than being with you."

 

Or something like that......

[Standard-Fare]

Honestly, I think the appropriate emotion for this is not even anger, but sadness. His actions were pathetic, and they inspire PITY.

 

How sad is it that he botched up a loving, successful relationship by letting his insecurity rule him? How sad is it that he needed to establish this sense of "control" by invading your privacy?

 

I have no doubt he's in a world of unspeakable pain right now, and I can't imagine his anger at himself. That's also sad.

 

Does any of this mean you should forgive and forget? No way. But once you've been clear about how outrageous and unforgivable his actions were, maybe just let it be. I can't see how it could help to keep hammering the point home. He's already created his own hell and he has to live with that for a while.

[TaraMaiden]

He needs serious therapy.

His pain is completely self-pitying, because he's only remorseful because he got found out.

He had to be told and shown it was wrong.

 

He already knew he had these illogical insecurities. he should have done something about those, instead of violating her trust and invading her privacy - and that of all her contacts. Not once, but twice!

 

I admire her restraint, frankly, but he doesn't deserve the time of day.

[angelcake]

Honestly, I think the appropriate emotion for this is not even anger, but sadness. His actions were pathetic, and they inspire PITY.

 

How sad is it that he botched up a loving, successful relationship by letting his insecurity rule him? How sad is it that he needed to establish this sense of "control" by invading your privacy?

 

I have no doubt he's in a world of unspeakable pain right now, and I can't imagine his anger at himself. That's also sad.

 

Does any of this mean you should forgive and forget? No way. But once you've been clear about how outrageous and unforgivable his actions were, maybe just let it be. I can't see how it could help to keep hammering the point home. He's already created his own hell and he has to live with that for a while.

 

I agree. I've told him everything I think and feel, plus more! I hope he is in hell. I guess pity will come but right now it hasn't. It's just anger and hurt. I don't know that he realizes exactly how invasive this was. It's crazy disturbing behavior.

[dasein]

It's creepy, it's manipulative, and it points to some major character flaws in him.

 

Or it was just a bad mistake that someone involved in a 15 month happy relationship made. It's not cheating, it's not material criminal behavior, it's not drug addiction, physical or mental abuse, or other more serious types of dealbreaker mistakes. OP cites only positives in the relationship otherwise, which is why giving a second chance is a reasonable option.

[ChessPieceFace]

No one here can make the value judgment for you. Most people will just say "END IT" because that's what people do here. They have nothing invested and nothing to lose from the termination of YOUR relationship, they see one problem and say to end it.

 

I believe that some level of suspicion and snooping is normal. However if you've given him no cause to snoop then it's not justified to be snooping, and going so far as to install apps is just creepy and shows an inherent and serious lack of trust on his part. I could only justify something like that if it's a cheating spouse who you've given another chance.

 

So again, if you've been flirting a lot with other guys, or if you have cheated on other people in the past, I could see that as "probable cause" and even though his reaction was extreme, could somehow be justifiable. If not, it seems like he's just a really paranoid and insecure person, and that's a big problem.

[TaraMaiden]

Yeah.

And not one that is either hers to fix, or one that she is in any way obligated to tolerate or endure.

particularly as it also exposes her children to his dysfunction.

It is already admitted that there was nothing in nay way damaging or detrimental, and that he found nothing. Yet he persisted and even installed a second app -

 

Once, may be understandable. But to persist and install a second?

 

Get the hell out of here, and don't come back.

 

Dumping is not only completely justified in this instance - for her well-being and that of her kids - it's downright essential.

[ChessPieceFace]

That's not your judgment to make. Even if he's paranoid and insecure, it's her judgment to make. Waiting around for the perfect man/woman will have you waiting your whole life in vain.

[TaraMaiden]

Of course it's her judgement to make. But by the sound of her responses, she doesn't sound too keen on keeping this going. And neither I, nor other posters would disagree with her.

[Janesays]

That's not your judgment to make. Even if he's paranoid and insecure, it's her judgment to make. Waiting around for the perfect man/woman will have you waiting your whole life in vain.

 

If your definition of perfect is simply 'not insane,' then there should be PLENTY of perfect men out there for the OP!

[Standard-Fare]

Yes, it's true, the OP has to make her own value judgments.

 

From what I've heard here myself, this act could only become forgivable after some time has passed and there are real signs of repentance and progress on his part.

 

Right now, he just needs to leave her the f*ck alone and absorb the consequences of his actions. But maybe if he chooses to go to therapy to work on his insecurity/trust issues.... maybe if he shows her genuine remorse in the future and demonstrates that he's changed ... she could consider forgiveness.

[chelsea2011]

Or it was just a bad mistake that someone involved in a 15 month happy relationship made. It's not cheating, it's not material criminal behavior, it's not drug addiction, physical or mental abuse, or other more serious types of dealbreaker mistakes. OP cites only positives in the relationship otherwise, which is why giving a second chance is a reasonable option.

 

Yes it is mental abuse. If you have not been on the receiving end of this type of betrayal then you can't really say it's not abuse. I know someone who is still living with the damage this type of situation has caused her. She became extremely depressed because she felt her entire life was under scrutiny and someone else's control. Before she found out it was her phone she thought her whole house was wired. She didn't even feel safe in her own bathroom and had no idea who all was in on it either! You know when this kind of thing is happening because the coincidents are too obvious. It also makes you feel paranoid, insecure and scared! Who has the right to do that to someone?!!! How would you like it if your most private thoughts and conversations were being listened to by someone without your consent? It is an AWFUL thing to do to someone!!! Don't just brush it off because the OP has every right to be angry. He stole her right to privacy!!!

[pbjbear]

For what its worth someone did this to me once. It was insecurity. He didnt do it again after and was embarassed.

[dasein]

Yes it is mental abuse. If you have not been on the receiving end of this type of betrayal then you can't really say it's not abuse... It is an AWFUL thing to do to someone!!! Don't just brush it off because the OP has every right to be angry. He stole her right to privacy!!!

 

The someone you know is not OP.

 

No one in this thread has attempted to give the BF a pass for his actions. No one in this thread has disagreed with it being a betrayal of OP's trust. Defining it as necessarily abusive, or necessarily a deal-killer is over the top though IMO.

 

Had OP been in a 6 month relationship, and there were other problems, then the instant dealkiller assessment would likely be the only good advice. In a 15 month relationship that has been happy otherwise, and OP mentions no other problems that I can see, to repeat, a second chance is a reasonable option to consider. I stand by what I posted, and don't expect to be lectured about it further other than via reasonably stated disagreement. If you think otherwise, you are welcome to your opinion.

[ChessPieceFace]

If your definition of perfect is simply 'not insane,' then there should be PLENTY of perfect men out there for the OP!

 

Jealousy and the desire to know you aren't being cheated on aren't insane, they are normal. The fact that he acted on his fears in this way wasn't normal or healthy, but it wasn't insane either. How about "unbalanced."

 

Again, I'm just saying it's her call since she knows the whole person. What if this was the only major thing wrong with him, he's been cheated on in the past by multiple people, he made an error in judgment now and has some growing up to do? That's my point, you don't know.

 

Some people are felons, cheaters, druggies, physically and verbally abusive, frigid, bipolar or otherwise loony, etc. I could make a big list of failings worse than this guy's mistake, and in fairness you'd have to throw out all of those people too. Where do all these broken, undateable people go? Into a big trash bin, forever? Or can people grow and change?

 

My point is it is the unfortunate tendency here to have totally skewed expectations of perfection in relationships and instantly tell people to end all of their relationships based on things that might be borderline.

[MuscleCarFan]

Wow, puts spyware on your phone? That's a HUGE red flag right there. I would not put up with that crap if I were you!

[KatZee]

It all comes down to what the OP's deal breakers are. Honestly, this is a deal breaker for me and completely warranted of a breakup.

 

I don't care how amazing a person is. How "romantic" and "caring" they come off being. If he's out behind my back cheating, and constantly lying, or in this case invading my privacy, snooping and watching me and then making an excuse by saying, "It's b/c I'm so insecure!" Then sorry, you're done.

 

I could never in my life be with someone so insecure. It's controlling behavior, it's creepy behavior. It's OK to want validation that your partner is being faithful, but not to the point of installing programs behind your partners back.

 

There are stories in which husbands are being unfaithful and the woman installs a VAR or a GPS device into the car, but those are WARRANTED actions. That woman just wants the proof to what she knows.

 

THIS guy spied for months. Found nothing, and continued to spy. That's such a violation it's disgusting.

[Janesays]

Jealousy and the desire to know you aren't being cheated on aren't insane, they are normal. The fact that he acted on his fears in this way wasn't normal or healthy, but it wasn't insane either. How about "unbalanced."

 

Insane, unbalanced. Tomato, toMAto. It's all the same thing to me.

 

Where do all the broken, undateable people go? THERAPY.

[Christopher82]

Just out of curiosity... What is this app called? I'm pretty sure this sort of thing has been outlawed.

[LonelyInsomniac]

He says a relationship should have no boundaries

 

He says a relationship should have no boundaries

 

He says a relationship should have no boundaries

 

HE SAYS A RELATIONSHIP SHOULD HAVE NO BOUNDARIES

 

 

 

... RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!

[Hugedbag92]

I say talk to him about it. A serious talk. Like it was stated above people hire pi's and that's the same thing. What he did was wrong but it's obvious he loves you. If you really love him you shouldn't throw it all away without trying to work this out.

[TaraMaiden]

Any update, angelcake?

 

It's been a few days since we last heard from you....

How are you now?

How was Easter for you?

 

[loversquarrel]

Just out of curiosity... What is this app called? I'm pretty sure this sort of thing has been outlawed.

 

No, its not outlawed. It has been marketed as an app for parents to use on their kids and employers to use on company owned phones.

[loversquarrel]

I'm in agreement with those who aren't chastising this guy. I guess I speak from experience in that I had a GF from my past that was very insecure. She would constantly check my phone, credit card statements, GPS, even checked my trash.... all while trying to keep it a secret. While it bothered me, I certainly didn't hate her for it, nor did I break up with her over it either. I recognized that she had some problems and needed to work on them, which she did.

 

I had a feeling she was doing these things, so I planted a phone number with a made up note and a woman's name. It embarrassed the crap out of her when she ended up calling one of my friends (a guy).

 

With all that being said, I think hating is a bit harsh. To be Angry...absolutely, but hating is a bit much.

 

As stupid as his actions were...I kind of give him credit for at least having the intestinal fortitude to apologize to your friends. There aren't many out there who would have done that. It's certainly more than what you will get from a cheater, and doesn't warrant the extra punishment you are doling out by letting him linger for a time before you break it off. Just kick him loose if you feel that strongly about it.

[spice4life]

I agree with loversquarrel about the fact that he admitted it and apologized. That takes guts and warrants a person being given a chance. The spyware thing happened to me as well annd I could forgive it if they were just honest with me to my face and admit that it was a bad way to handle things. I handled it pretty well considering all that happened. I often wondered that if he thought I was that horrible then why didn't he just leave and completely break it off with me instead? That I will never understand and I do have to admit though that the whole situaton did leave a scar.