Ruby Slippers Posted March 26, 2013 Share Posted March 26, 2013 When a guy calls but doesn't leave a message, do you call him back? I've been talking to this guy lately, and when he calls, he never leaves a message. We've already discussed this more than once, and I told him that my policy is not to return a call unless the person leaves a message. That tells me it's not that important. I follow this policy in business and personal relationships. He says he just doesn't like leaving messages and never does, but if he called, it's because he wants to talk to me, and he wants me to call him back. I said if he doesn't like leaving a message, he can send a text and ask me to call him when I can. He said the missed call message should be enough. I know this seems like a trifling matter, but I don't see the big deal about leaving a message. Him repeatedly resisting something so simple makes it feel like a power struggle. But I guess he could say the same about me. I've never encountered this with another guy. I feel like if he really liked me he'd leave a message or at least send a text. What do y'all think? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 26, 2013 Share Posted March 26, 2013 The only person whose calls I'll return as a hangup are those from my best friend. He's earned that kind of loyalty and love and care. Everyone else can leave a voicemail if they wish me to return their call. I did make one exception to this rule the day my mother died and it would come back to haunt me over time, so never again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
rocketman122 Posted March 26, 2013 Share Posted March 26, 2013 well with my GF there is no need, but when I first met some women, I sent a text with a short message why I called. it only takes 15 seconds. hey X just wanted to say hi, ring me back when youre free cheers. simple easy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dasein Posted March 26, 2013 Share Posted March 26, 2013 I don't even return calls with messages unless they ask for a callback. I also don't leave messages on most calls because I don't want people returning them, even people I love dearly. Yeah, curmudgeonly indeed. But it doesn't have anything at all to do with my level of caring for the person, maybe this guy is similar? Overall advice is pick your battles, this wouldn't be one to pick IMO. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Imajerk17 Posted March 26, 2013 Share Posted March 26, 2013 I'll give you my take in your thread Ruby if you give me your take in mine! I'm coming to see that drawing lines in the sand over smaller matters such as this is stupid. It's putting too much at stake over something kind of trivial. (FWIW I hate voicemail too but I leave messages.) These are in my opinions the real questions: 1. How well does this guy treat you (so far) otherwise? 2. How much do you like this guy otherwise? If he treats you really well and you like him then you could concede without losing face "since you treat me so well otherwise I will make a concession to you on this". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy fields Posted March 26, 2013 Share Posted March 26, 2013 No message, no return call. Seriously, it takes 2 minutes to leave a message. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
iris219 Posted March 26, 2013 Share Posted March 26, 2013 The biggest issue here is that you've talked to him about this and it made no difference. If I asked a guy to please leave me a message when he called and he ignored this, I'd see it as a boundary issue. I'd think he was trying to see how far he could push me by starting with something small. In your guy's case, no, I wouldn't call him back (or call him period) until he started having more respect. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
apple OR orange Posted March 26, 2013 Share Posted March 26, 2013 so you think its a power srtugle, well looks jump over the fence. "if she really likes me should would understand i just dont like leaving messages, should understand this, i just think its a power strugle". so on to the next guy you want to do things your way.... Link to post Share on other sites
ChatroomHero Posted March 26, 2013 Share Posted March 26, 2013 What's the difference between seeing a missed call and knowing he wants to talk to you and a missed call with a message that says, "Hi. I want to talk to you. Bye."? You already know it means he wants to talk to you, I wouldn't consider it an emergency to call back, but you know he wants a call back when you can. It reminds me of way back when, when long distance phone charges existed and caller ID didn't. When we went to my Grandma's house and got home the signal to her we got home safely was to call and let the phone ring 3 times and hang up. It didn't matter how it was communicated, the end result is the message was delivered, same as in your case. To me it's silly that he is expressing that he wants to talk to you but you are hung up on the "how" he communicates that as a matter of principle. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KungFuJoe Posted March 26, 2013 Share Posted March 26, 2013 Ruby, Gotta side with the guy on this one. We discussed this part of your personality before...about being TOO strong at times. At least I hope that was you. Either way...when you think about it, it's more time "wasted" to leave a voice mail. He's gotta spend more time trying to figure out what kind of message to leave, and you gotta call and listen to it, and then when you call him, he's gotta repeat it and you gotta listen to it yet again. You seeing his missed call is just like a text. He contacted you and wants you to contact him back. You shouldn't need a written and notarized form from him in order to realize this. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
rocketman122 Posted March 26, 2013 Share Posted March 26, 2013 No message, no return call. Seriously, it takes 2 minutes to leave a message. 2 minutes? when did leaving a message take 2 minutes? Hey X just wanted to see how your day was going, call me back when you get a chance. have a magical day. 20 seconds. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted March 26, 2013 Share Posted March 26, 2013 Split the difference. Text him back. "Hey! You called?" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
iris219 Posted March 26, 2013 Share Posted March 26, 2013 Ruby, Gotta side with the guy on this one. We discussed this part of your personality before...about being TOO strong at times. At least I hope that was you. Either way...when you think about it, it's more time "wasted" to leave a voice mail. He's gotta spend more time trying to figure out what kind of message to leave, and you gotta call and listen to it, and then when you call him, he's gotta repeat it and you gotta listen to it yet again. You seeing his missed call is just like a text. He contacted you and wants you to contact him back. You shouldn't need a written and notarized form from him in order to realize this. But she told him not leaving a message bothered her. A person who cares about you will want to make you happy, especially if making you happy is so easy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted March 26, 2013 Share Posted March 26, 2013 In my world, a missed called with no message is often a mis-dialed call. The people on my recent calls get the most mis-dialed calls, because they are on the screen right there to inadvertently dial. So just shoot off a text asking if he was trying to reach you. Natural and breezy-like. Link to post Share on other sites
truth_seeker Posted March 26, 2013 Share Posted March 26, 2013 If the guy cares about the girl, and leaving a message means that much to her, then he should leave a message. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ruby Slippers Posted March 26, 2013 Author Share Posted March 26, 2013 The biggest issue here is that you've talked to him about this and it made no difference. If I asked a guy to please leave me a message when he called and he ignored this, I'd see it as a boundary issue. I'd think he was trying to see how far he could push me by starting with something small. In your guy's case, no, I wouldn't call him back (or call him period) until he started having more respect. My feelings exactly. I specifically told him I'd like it if he left a message. A perfectly fine message to me is something like: "Hey, Ruby, just wanted to see how your day's going. Give me a call." All he's done is come up with several explanations/excuses for why he doesn't like to do it. He told me this is how he likes to do it, I told him this is how I like to do it, and we both keep doing it our way. However you slice it, what it comes down to is that it's a turn-off for me. I would like to talk to him, but him not leaving a message comes across as weak to me, and kills my excitement to talk to him. So I'm not gonna call. He always calls back later or another day - and then he'll be like, "I called you last night." And I'm like, "Yes, I saw that. I was doing X. You didn't leave a message, so I assumed it wasn't that important." And he'll be like, "You know I never leave messages." And I'm like, "Yeah, and you know I don't call people back when they don't leave a message." Rinse, lather, repeat. Seems so silly 1 Link to post Share on other sites
truth_seeker Posted March 26, 2013 Share Posted March 26, 2013 Rinse, lather, repeat. Seems so silly You need to end this cycle by telling him: "Not going to leave a message? Then don't bother calling me anymore." If he truly cares about you, he will start to leave messages when you give him this ultimatum 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ruby Slippers Posted March 26, 2013 Author Share Posted March 26, 2013 You need to end this cycle by telling him: "Not going to leave a message? Then don't bother calling me anymore." If he truly cares about you, he will start to leave messages when you give him this ultimatum That sounds extreme to me. I have clients who never leave messages, but just keep calling till they reach me - very annoying, and I even give new clients explicit instructions about my communication policy, which parallels the personal. I think what will naturally happen is I'll eventually meet a guy who's happy to leave messages, and I'll lose interest in the anti-message guy. Link to post Share on other sites
KungFuJoe Posted March 26, 2013 Share Posted March 26, 2013 That sounds extreme to me. I have clients who never leave messages, but just keep calling till they reach me - very annoying, and I even give new clients explicit instructions about my communication policy, which parallels the personal. I think what will naturally happen is I'll eventually meet a guy who's happy to leave messages, and I'll lose interest in the anti-message guy. This is actually the most likely scenario. One thing I've learned in my many years of relationship experience...the little things matter. As much as the big things. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dasein Posted March 26, 2013 Share Posted March 26, 2013 I misread the OP, sorry, but advice remains the same. This is one of those little quirks to move past and see if accommodation can result, not a real power struggle. Link to post Share on other sites
Eggplant Posted March 26, 2013 Share Posted March 26, 2013 Little things matter in dating. Don't overlook it. It's a red flag. Dating -- it's not unlike a job interview. The whole initiating contact and going the full 9 yards and leaving a damn message is critical if this guy is serious. You're the female, OK? And yes this is a passive-agressive power play. If not, then this guy is clueless, which is not your problem. Do not return a missed call. Forget this guy, or definitely keep looking at least. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 26, 2013 Share Posted March 26, 2013 I text "what did you want?" Link to post Share on other sites
truth_seeker Posted March 26, 2013 Share Posted March 26, 2013 That sounds extreme to me. I have clients who never leave messages, but just keep calling till they reach me - very annoying, and I even give new clients explicit instructions about my communication policy, which parallels the personal. I think what will naturally happen is I'll eventually meet a guy who's happy to leave messages, and I'll lose interest in the anti-message guy. One thing we can agree on is that he doesn't care. If he cared then he would listen to you, recognize how this matters to you, and do it. I don't like him. I want you to end this relationship immediately. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
frustr8ed Posted March 26, 2013 Share Posted March 26, 2013 Does heavy breathing count as a message? I hate leaving voice mail, but it isn't that hard to say "this is such n' such, call me." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ruby Slippers Posted March 26, 2013 Author Share Posted March 26, 2013 One thing we can agree on is that he doesn't care. If he cared then he would listen to you, recognize how this matters to you, and do it. I don't like him. I want you to end this relationship immediately. Yeah, I don't see this going anywhere. This has completely turned me off. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't overreacting. I feel relieved already that I'm not letting this continue and wasting time with him. Link to post Share on other sites
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