Do you return missed calls with no message left?

[Emilia]

Also, leaving a message is simple etiquette with people you don't know super well and it's lazy not to. She was asking him to not be lazy. He came back with why it's ok for him to be lazy.

 

Because he knows it's BS. She is doing the predictable woman thing: 'show-me-you-care-about-me-by-'steping-up'-and-changing'. The trouble is a more experienced man will see through that.

[clia]

I'm with you, Ruby Slippers -- I don't call anyone back unless they leave a message AND tell me specifically to call them.

 

I would just keep doing what you are doing, and when he complains, explain that he knows your position on it. If he wants a call back, he should leave a message. I swear, cell phones have made people so lazy in dating. Oh, I can text, so I don't have to call. Oh, I don't have to leave a voice mail because you have caller ID. Whatever.

[carhill]

Relevant to aspects of the 'love languages' dynamic, except removing the 'love' part, we each have different 'languages' which speak to us and are how we like to speak. In the language of phone calls, ever since the days of giving up after 10 rings ended when answering machines appeared, my language has been 'Hi, how's it going? I'm calling about xxxx. When you have a minute, could you return my call? My number is xxxxx'. That way, if the person needed to do anything prior to the call, they could, and they knew the specific reason I called. I still do this, today. Someone else's language may be different. If it's too different, like hanging up and expecting me to actually be on a phone with ID and expecting their number to appear on my phone, me figure out who it is and call them back, etc, etc, then we miss. No harm no foul. The world continues to turn. Billions more to be served, provided they leave a message

[Cutiepie1976]

What's the difference between seeing a missed call and knowing he wants to talk to you and a missed call with a message that says, "Hi. I want to talk to you. Bye."?

 

You already know it means he wants to talk to you, I wouldn't consider it an emergency to call back, but you know he wants a call back when you can.

 

It reminds me of way back when, when long distance phone charges existed and caller ID didn't. When we went to my Grandma's house and got home the signal to her we got home safely was to call and let the phone ring 3 times and hang up. It didn't matter how it was communicated, the end result is the message was delivered, same as in your case.

 

To me it's silly that he is expressing that he wants to talk to you but you are hung up on the "how" he communicates that as a matter of principle.

 

Agree with this.

 

In life and love, you have to learn to pick your battles. If you insist on turning minor issues into major stand-offs, you'll ultimately end up the loser. Every relationship has an emotional bank account, so to speak. Every fight creates some level of ill will and draws down that account. If the guy is relationship-worthy, learn to compromise. Focus instead on building up the kitty rather than frittering it away on things that don't really matter in the long run.

[Ruby Slippers]

Like I said later in the thread, I was fine with our different styles. He's the one who kept making it an issue and acting like I was doing something wrong by not returning his missed calls, conforming to his style. I was fine to let him stick with his style (don't leave a message, and keep calling till the person answers), and I'd stick with mine (only call back if they leave a message). I even suggested an easy alternative - send a text. He resisted my way, or us having our different ways, and has tried to force his way on me.

 

And I've talked to a few friends about this, and it seems people generally have strong feelings on the matter - some are firmly on the leave a message side, some on the never leave a message side. Not surprisingly, the leave a message people don't call back without a message. Also not surprisingly, most of my friends are the leave a message types.

 

I am 100% not interested in a guy who is totally unwilling to meet in the middle (which in this case means he does it his way and I do it mine) or adjust on something so trivial. I have been willing to meet in the middle, and he's not. I'm not willing to conform to some guy's preferences when he has shown very little willingness to do that for me. That kind of thing only gets worse in time.

[truth_seeker]

Well, we're not in a relationship, but my gut is saying eject, eject, eject.

 

Always go with your gut!

[iris219]

Because he knows it's BS. She is doing the predictable woman thing: 'show-me-you-care-about-me-by-'steping-up'-and-changing'. The trouble is a more experienced man will see through that.

 

If it genuinely bothers her, it's not BS.

 

Ruby doesn't seem like the type who throws petty obstacles in the way as tests for men to pass or fail.

 

The only way I would ignore a request like Ruby's is if I didn't like the guy. If I liked him, I would happily make small adjustments for him.

 

Agree with this.

 

In life and love, you have to learn to pick your battles. If you insist on turning minor issues into major stand-offs, you'll ultimately end up the loser. Every relationship has an emotional bank account, so to speak. Every fight creates some level of ill will and draws down that account. If the guy is relationship-worthy, learn to compromise. Focus instead on building up the kitty rather than frittering it away on things that don't really matter in the long run.

 

They aren't in a relationship. My advice would be different if they were.

 

A guy who would rather fight with me on a small issue or ignore me in the beginning stages of dating isn't relationship worthy IMO.

[KungFuJoe]

Ruby,

 

Keep in mind that the guy you are seeing is probably saying the exact same thing about you.

 

Anyways...it's all moot. Bottomline is compatibility...it's just not there.

 

Before I met my wife, I didn't know there was such a thing as true compatibility. I always figured people are different, they're going to do this that annoys you from time to time and you just have to deal with it. At least, that's what I tried to tell myself. But I always found myself arguing with them over the same "small" stuff over and over and over again. And it grew and grew.

 

Then I met my wife...and it just a nonstop flow of "wow...I feel the exact same way!"...and then I realized it's just a matter of finding the right person for you, in every possible way.

[Ruby Slippers]

Then I met my wife...and it just a nonstop flow of "wow...I feel the exact same way!"...and then I realized it's just a matter of finding the right person for you, in every possible way.

I've had this once, and romantically it didn't work out because of his interfering, antagonistic family.

 

However, we are now business partners, and our business relationship works exactly as you described your marriage. In 3 years of running our business together, we have never once had an argument or even a single disagreement. We're continuously supportive and understanding with each other, and complement each other's skills and strengths perfectly. We've created success way beyond our expectations so far, and it just keeps getting better.

 

I'm very confident I will find this kind of connection again, with the man I will marry and have a family with. A guy who wants to argue about how to communicate on the phone... is just not that guy. Doesn't mean he's wrong or bad - just not the guy for me.

 

I think it's huge progress that I recognize a lack of compatibility much faster now, and don't bother trying to force a fit that just doesn't fit. I learned some valuable lessons on this in my last relationship, and that was valuable.

[sillyanswer]

What do y'all think?

 

I think that if you want to contact him then you should. If this is soon after he called you and didn't leave a message then you have the added advantage that you know he wants to hear from you. So, if you want to contact him then you'd be a fool not to.

 

If you don't want to contact him then don't contact him.

 

Why are you making this complicated with some special rule that he has to follow before you'll call back? I believe an appropriate idiom is the one about cutting your nose to spite your face, or throwing the baby out with the bathwater.