Improving Communication Skills

[PyroBunny]

Hi All,

 

I did a quick search of the forum but could find anything that really related to what I want to ask. I also did the Google-thing and it really did not provide me with the answers I want.

 

Hopefully some of you here have gone through the same 'communication issue' - be it you yourself had this problem or a SO did.

 

I just need some tips/guidelines on what I can do.

 

My bf has a problem with communicating his feelings and emotions, or just opening up about serious issues or problems (from the past and present).

 

Now I know most men don't talk about feelings and don't really show emotion; while most women (myself included) like to open up and talk about feelings and emotions as it gives the other person a clear picture of how you feel about certain things and what goes on in our heads.

 

I have tried numerous times to get him to open up but he becomes almost...defensive??...and shies away from talking...the picture I have is that he has created a brick wall around himself to protect him and he is uncomfortable breaking it down.

 

Recently I got him to open up a little and he admitted to where his lack of communication stems from - his mom and dad got divorced when he was really young, his dad moved out of the country, his mom has since been married 2 or 3 times (up to present day) and I get the strong impression he never connected with any of the other husbands, he also spent a large portion of his early years with his grandmother. He sees his real dad maybe once every 3 years now and doesn't talk to him often (lives in another country). He has had to rely on friends to talk to about issues; he doesn't confide in his mom.

 

I also know that this communication issue definitely played a big role in his divorce and why his previous relationships broke down. So I don't want us to follow the same pattern.

 

I've made a lot of progress with him in the last couple of months in relating areas - like showing more affection, being more romantic etc - things he was never comfortable with. And he has promised to work on his communcation skills. The progress is very slow and maybe I'm just a little impatient but I want to do as much as I can to help him. But I also realise that this is not an 'over night' fix.

 

What baby step, beginner's type exercises can I try to ease him into communicating more openly? Or anything else I can do? I really want to leave therapy as a last option (if he would even consider that). It kills me to see that he keeps so many things to himself because he is not used to (and maybe a little scared to) opening up and sharing his problems and concerns with anyone else.

 

Thanks in advance!

[Emilia]

Now I know most men don't talk about feelings and don't really show emotion; while most women (myself included) like to open up and talk about feelings and emotions as it gives the other person a clear picture of how you feel about certain things and what goes on in our heads.

 

Why do you think that? It hasn't been my experience. Some men do express their emotions and many women are reserved. Did you grow up in a traditional family?

 

I also know that this communication issue definitely played a big role in his divorce and why his previous relationships broke down. So I don't want us to follow the same pattern.

 

I've made a lot of progress with him in the last couple of months in relating areas - like showing more affection, being more romantic etc - things he was never comfortable with. And he has promised to work on his communcation skills. The progress is very slow and maybe I'm just a little impatient but I want to do as much as I can to help him. But I also realise that this is not an 'over night' fix.

 

What baby step, beginner's type exercises can I try to ease him into communicating more openly? Or anything else I can do? I really want to leave therapy as a last option (if he would even consider that). It kills me to see that he keeps so many things to himself because he is not used to (and maybe a little scared to) opening up and sharing his problems and concerns with anyone else.

 

Thanks in advance!

 

How long have you been together that you are putting so much work into something with someone who might not be compatible with you? How old are you two?

[Els]

Just my 2 cents - I don't think you should go into a R intending to change the person you are with.

 

There can be compromises, yes. If you're both in a relationship you see a lot of potential in and you feel you want to encourage more romance in your R, by all means do so. Methods I've found successful in that aspect were regular sex and date nights out, making the effort yourself to be romantic (but he needs to reciprocate), light-hearted communication about what sort of romantic gestures you'd love, and heaps of appreciation when he makes the effort to be romantic.

 

But if you want to change him into someone who addresses his problems by talking about them, when he is by nature someone who would rather not - why? Why do you feel his way of handling his personal problems is 'wrong' and needs to be fixed?

[PyroBunny]

Emilia, it is more a culture thing - the men are seen as strong, fearless and a 'real man doesn't cry' type thing. I'm being dead honest now. Men get picked on if they aren't the rough and tough type. It's a general feeling right across our country - it's a stereotype and most of the men do try to live up to that image.

 

We have been together for more than a year now. He is 35 and I'm 27. We are very compatible - we share a lot of the same interests and hobbies, we have the same views on most things etc.

 

Elswyth, I know it might seem that I want to change him but its not really that. I just really want him to feel safe enough to open up to me. Some of those personal problems affect me too and I feel that I'm only told the bare minimum while, by nature, I'm a fact person - I need all the facts to analyse things from different angles to determine the best solution. So sometimes its just a little frustrating because I want to help, I can help but he seems to prefer to handle things his own way without really involving me. His way is not wrong...it's just that instead of being a 'team' he is tackling problems 'solo' and I feel a little left out. (If that makes sense?)

 

But I also know that a big part of this whole communication thing stems from me being a 'control freak' type - I make to do lists every day of everything that needs to be done, I feel uncomfortable in situations where I don't know all the details, I'm a 'fixer'...I need to work on that...

 

But I'll definitely try the things you suggested, and see how things go from there. Thank you for the replies!

[Emilia]

Emilia, it is more a culture thing - the men are seen as strong, fearless and a 'real man doesn't cry' type thing. I'm being dead honest now. Men get picked on if they aren't the rough and tough type. It's a general feeling right across our country - it's a stereotype and most of the men do try to live up to that image.

 

I genuinely sympathise if you live in a culture like that. Repressing your natural emotions doesn't lead to healthy relationships.

 

We have been together for more than a year now. He is 35 and I'm 27. We are very compatible - we share a lot of the same interests and hobbies, we have the same views on most things etc.

 

To me compatibility is about having similar values, hobbies can be picked up or discarded, they mean nothing in this context. I would not feel compatible with someone who didn't view the importance of communication as much as I do. An emotionally repressed man would make me feel suffocated. Is this the only option you have in the society you live in?

 

But I also know that a big part of this whole communication thing stems from me being a 'control freak' type - I make to do lists every day of everything that needs to be done, I feel uncomfortable in situations where I don't know all the details, I'm a 'fixer'...I need to work on that...

 

But I'll definitely try the things you suggested, and see how things go from there. Thank you for the replies!

 

I don't think you are being a control freak. I think you are frustrated with someone who doesn't view emotional intimacy as important as you do.

[Els]

Elswyth, I know it might seem that I want to change him but its not really that. I just really want him to feel safe enough to open up to me. Some of those personal problems affect me too and I feel that I'm only told the bare minimum while, by nature, I'm a fact person - I need all the facts to analyse things from different angles to determine the best solution. So sometimes its just a little frustrating because I want to help, I can help but he seems to prefer to handle things his own way without really involving me. His way is not wrong...it's just that instead of being a 'team' he is tackling problems 'solo' and I feel a little left out. (If that makes sense?)

 

How do you feel his personal problems affect you? Does he not tell you anything at all (ie one day you come back to find out that he's out of a job and he actually got laid off two months ago and didn't say a peep), or does he still tell you the important stuff that you need to know as a partner, he just doesn't delve into details of his personal stuff?

 

I don't think it's necessarily about him feeling safe enough to talk to you about it, unless he talks to other people about his problems but not you. Some people just find that talking about their problems makes it worse, so they prefer not to. That being said, you're certainly free to encourage him to open up to you if he ever wants to, but I don't see the purpose in continually trying to coax him into talking about his problems if that just isn't his problem-solving style. My suggestion is to either accept it or leave.

 

On the other hand, communication issues that DO directly affect you (he doesn't express emotional affection, etc) are what you should be focused on seeking a compromise on, assuming you decide to stay. But it shouldn't be about 'fixing' him, more about 'we have different communication styles so how do we meet in the middle?'

 

But I also know that a big part of this whole communication thing stems from me being a 'control freak' type - I make to do lists every day of everything that needs to be done, I feel uncomfortable in situations where I don't know all the details, I'm a 'fixer'...I need to work on that...

 

But I'll definitely try the things you suggested, and see how things go from there. Thank you for the replies!

 

I wouldn't call you a control freak, no. A wee bit OCD, maybe, if you really make lists of EVERYthing. Try to accept perhaps that all things fall short of perfection, and try to spend a bit more time smelling the roses and a little less time searching for things to fix. I made that mistake when I was younger. Wasn't pleasant.

[PyroBunny]

I genuinely sympathise if you live in a culture like that. Repressing your natural emotions doesn't lead to healthy relationships.

 

To me compatibility is about having similar values, hobbies can be picked up or discarded, they mean nothing in this context. I would not feel compatible with someone who didn't view the importance of communication as much as I do. An emotionally repressed man would make me feel suffocated. Is this the only option you have in the society you live in?

 

Overall it's not a bad culture to grow up in. It's just one where if you don't like Rugby there is something wrong with you and where men will brag about the amount of tools they have in their garage

 

I should have added values in there, we do share similar values and numerous friends (that know his ex wife and ex girlfriends) have said they have never seen him this happy and that we fit together really well. We don't fight or disagree often.

 

How do you feel his personal problems affect you? Does he not tell you anything at all (ie one day you come back to find out that he's out of a job and he actually got laid off two months ago and didn't say a peep), or does he still tell you the important stuff that you need to know as a partner, he just doesn't delve into details of his personal stuff?

 

I don't think it's necessarily about him feeling safe enough to talk to you about it, unless he talks to other people about his problems but not you. Some people just find that talking about their problems makes it worse, so they prefer not to. That being said, you're certainly free to encourage him to open up to you if he ever wants to, but I don't see the purpose in continually trying to coax him into talking about his problems if that just isn't his problem-solving style. My suggestion is to either accept it or leave.

 

On the other hand, communication issues that DO directly affect you (he doesn't express emotional affection, etc) are what you should be focused on seeking a compromise on, assuming you decide to stay. But it shouldn't be about 'fixing' him, more about 'we have different communication styles so how do we meet in the middle?'

 

He does talk to me about important things (finances, work etc), but not in as much detail as I would like. The stuff I really want to iron out (and get a clear picture of what is going on) are personal issues from his past. He has a kid from his marraige and the gf after that accidentally got pregnant...so there is a baby too. Those type of things involve me because maintenance is paid, visitation, buying supplies etc (and his ex-wife is still making his life hell and in the process mine too). And this is where he is not really open - I have a general idea about both situations but with something as important as this, I want to have more details, more info. I mean, if we get married one day, those kiddies become my responsibility too? And to a certain extent they already are.

 

He is definitely not confiding in other people. Most of his very good friends from his younger days live in his home town and he doesn't speak to them often. In the year that we have been together I've never been able to single out a friend that he would consider a best friend, or someone he talks to often. So for the most part I think he is just keeping everything to himself.

 

We definitely have different communication styles, and you're right, I should rather aim for a compromise than trying to convert him completely to my style.

[Emilia]

Overall it's not a bad culture to grow up in. It's just one where if you don't like Rugby there is something wrong with you and where men will brag about the amount of tools they have in their garage

 

Ok I can make a couple of guesses where you are from (partly as I am a rugby fan so familiar with some cultures and dated guys from those backgrounds).

 

I'm still not sure whether it's feasible to live happily with the amount of work you will need to put into the relationship but maybe Elswyth's suggestions will work. Good luck

[Els]

 

He does talk to me about important things (finances, work etc), but not in as much detail as I would like. The stuff I really want to iron out (and get a clear picture of what is going on) are personal issues from his past. He has a kid from his marraige and the gf after that accidentally got pregnant...so there is a baby too. Those type of things involve me because maintenance is paid, visitation, buying supplies etc (and his ex-wife is still making his life hell and in the process mine too). And this is where he is not really open - I have a general idea about both situations but with something as important as this, I want to have more details, more info. I mean, if we get married one day, those kiddies become my responsibility too? And to a certain extent they already are.

 

Okay, this is all really stuff that you need to know for a practical reason. Tell him that you accept that he finds it easier to solve problems by himself and you won't pressure him to talk about personal issues that don't affect you, but some things you need to know because they will affect you too?

 

 

Ok I can make a couple of guesses where you are from (partly as I am a rugby fan so familiar with some cultures and dated guys from those backgrounds).

 

Yeah, the rugby bit is a dead giveaway.

[Roadkill007]

 

^ this is for him

 

 

Communication problems: Why expressing feelings is a problem for men - by Angela Diggs - Helium

 

^ this is for you

 

 

6 Ways Men & Women Communicate Differently | World of Psychology

 

^ this is for both of you

 

 

This looks really lazy, but I feel these links have a lot of information you two need to understand each other better.

 

The general point is the men and women tend to communicate for different purposes. This alone causes problems that can irritate both partners. Understanding the differences will help you both keep discussions logical, and will hopefully make him feel secure enough to open up to you.