Ex fiance is back after 2 months- advice

[trouble]

It has been 2 months since I saw my ex-fiance. We had a fight and he decided to call it off. However, I was online the other day and saw him and so I sent a "Hi." I was just saying hello and not expecting much. He ended up chatting with me for 4 hours. It was good to catch up and see what was going on. It was also good because I was able to say a lot of things that I needed to. I have recently come to terms with our breakup and no longer feel devastated.

 

He stated that he missed me and proposed having a sexual relationship with me. OK before I get the slew of messages saying this is a bad idea just keep reading. I was flattered, I guess that he still was attracted to me but I told him I wasn't going to come to see him. We live 2 hours apart. He kept asking me to come and I didn't. I was proud of myself because if you would have asked me a few weeks ago what I would have done I wouldn't have been around to ask because I would have been in my car that quickly.

 

So he says maybe we can get together this weekend. I told him that I had plans Friday and he told me he had a date Saturday. We ended up chatting a couple of days this week. I wished him luck on his date and even suggested what he should wear. I said that maybe she will turn out to be someone special and he could stop wanting to sleep with me. He was very perplexed as to why I was giving him dating advice.

 

After I told him that I was too tired last night to drive to see him he made several comments about how I used to do it and he had driven more than that to see me. I told him it was different because we were in a relationship then. He was the one that kept making a point to say this would be just for fun. He said that we would still go out and have dates but he wasn't looking for a committment.

 

Then he says that he is frustrated because he went out on a limb and told me that he missed me and wanted to see me and I didn't really seem to care. He said that he put a lot of effort into trying to see me and I didn't appreciate it.

 

He wanted to know if I was seeing anyone or if I had had sex.

 

At first I thought he was just being a typical guy (a 34 year old) and just realized that after he left me he couldn't have sex as often as he could when we were together. But then as the week progressed he seemed to get into deeper conversation and seemed to be interested in more.

 

On the one hand I don't think it is a good idea because it could open up emotional wounds. However, a part of me thinks that hanging out with him may be the opportunity to see if there is anything left. Since we live so far apart and we won't have any opportunity to run into each other. We would have to make the effort to be together.

 

Well he wants me to come Sunday now and I don't know what I am going to do. After he told me he had a date on Saturday I told him that Sat would have been better for me. Then he throws out that the date probably won't go well and he will be home by 9. I didn't offer driving to see him. He also said that he was just going out because he was tired of staying in and that he wasn't really looking for a relationship.

 

His friends have indicated that they think he wants to see how we are together but is too afraid to put his emotions out there so he is trying to go in throught the back door so to speak.

 

Thoughts?

[jerryinva]

Distance can be a terrible harm to a budding relationship, or one you are trying to repair. In my case, when I first starting "dating" my ex...(who I knew in first grade....a little history there), She and I lived 225 miles apart. So, whenever she wanted someone to go to the movies with, or needed help with her daughter, picking her up from school, etc., she had to turn to the ex boyfriend. That made me more and more frustrated...and we started to fight about it. So, on one hand it was good...because she missed me more..because she was so far away...but on the other hand..it fostered a situation where she ended up hanging with an ex...because her current bf (me) at the time, was 225 miles away. Now...I live here..going to grad school...but it is totally irrelevant, because not only is she not with me...she is not with the ex-bf (who ended up at one time her fiance), she is now with a 54 year old...with "no drama."

 

So, if the drive doesn't seem like too much investment to you...what do you have to lose..to go the distance at least once more?

[trouble]

My only concern is that I will get into a sexual relationship with him and not only end up hurting both of us because those things don't usually work but also both missing out on finding someone knew. I am 28 and he is 34. If we spend out weekends together just having sex then we won't have time to develop a relationship with someone else.

 

I do care about him and would like to know if there would be anything left but then again I don't want to fall into a cliche and just be his sex buddy.

[magda]

Well, how many hours a week are you talking to him? If you really don't want a relationship with him then stop being available for him to talk to and talking for hours.

 

He said that he put a lot of effort into trying to see me and I didn't appreciate it.

Has he driven to see you? It seems like all his effort was signing on to messenger or something?

 

I say either stop talking to him or have sex with him and get it over with. Either way it'll hurt. But, you know, I'm sure you could find sex with no strings closer than a 2-hour drive away. If you want to get back with him or if he wants to get back with you, because 1) he dumped you and 2) he still maintains that he doesn't want a relationship, HE should be doing all the work. You really should start putting him on ignore if you want him to miss you in a relationship-type way. Just being there whenever he wants to talk with the only thing standing in the way of a booty call is 2 hours is not very dignified.

 

Make him jump through hoops for you! Who wants to marry a guy who wouldn't?

[trouble]

Thanks for the reply

We hadn't talked or seen each other in 2 months. Then we just started IM'ing and then he called. I am not sure what he meant about putting the effort into it. I was ready to marry him and then it all fell apart. I have my dress and all of that crap. So this isn't a casual situation. I don't really want to have sex without strings attached with some stranger anyway. So maybe it will be good to see him at least once.

[magda]

Hey I edited my post and added a little before you replied.

 

I just want to say that even though you had a dress and all, it's pretty much a casual situation now if all he wants is sex. I wasn't actually suggesting you have sex with some stranger, but you could probably use that as ammunition when telling him why you won't drive there.