My ex contacted me only to ignore me...

[Lost78]

We broke up last year from a 5 year relationship and I had a rough time getting over my ex. I went over her house during the first week but she would not answer the door. It hurt really bad, but I accepted it, sent a text apologizing for coming over unannounced and went nc. I had a moment of weakness 3 months later and texted her "how are you? I hope everything is well". But that was ignored. I sent 5 more messages throughout the year (birthday, thanksgiving, Christmas, etc.). Nothing excessive or sappy, just wishing her well and seeing if she was open to communication. I would get short responses and eventually ignored. This I could accept, because it let me know where I stood with her. The last message I sent was on Christmas saying "I hope Santa got you everything you wanted this year, you deserve it because you are a good person. Merry Christmas!" She ignored this message so I decided from then that I would not contact her because he obviously wanted to be left alone.

 

I was moving on, occasionally thinking about her, but had lost the urge to contact her and even started dating, which I dreaded at one time.

 

This past Thursday morning I got a text message from her. It was the first one she initiated since our break up. Here is how it went:

 

"Sultans of Swing is on... That will forever remind me of your brother in law an vacationing in Florida. It's funny how many things remind me of Florida. I hope you are doing well!!!"

 

I responded a few hours later ,"what is Sultans of Swing? I m doing well. Busy as usual. How are you?"

 

Her: "It's a Dire Straights song. I am doing good, thanks!!! How is your family? How is Rosco? He will always be the best dog ever!!!"

 

Me: "That's right about the song. I don't remember hearing it in Florida though. The family is well. Rosco is still amazing. I try to teach him tricks but stink at it."

 

After that, no response. Last night I tried to call her but she did not answer. I know I could have ignored her message, but I'd be in the same place I am right now regardless. I could accept her ignoring my initial contacts because it let me know how she felt, but her initiating contact only to ignore me just seems so cruel. For the first time ever, I am just so angry at her. She was never a manipulating person while we were together, so I thought she was genuinely trying to open the lines of communication. Why else would you send that message?

 

I am so upset right now I want to send her this message. Most likely, I will not send it and just vent here:

 

"Why did you text me out of the blue if you did not want to have a conversation? That was so mean its indescribable. You knew how bad I struggled over the breakup and moving on. I was moving on and doing fine and had no plans of contacting you again, and it's like you knew that and needed to send me that message just to get an ego boost from my response. I knew I should have just ignored it. I hope you got whatever it is you needed from that message. It was so low to do something like that and then ignore me afterwards. It's as low as something your manipulating ex would do to you and I despise you for that. In the future, when something reminds you of me, please tell it to someone else or just forget that I existed in your life, and I will do the same."

 

I don't want to be immature about this, but I really want her to know how cruel it is to do that though. She can't possibly not know how mean it is to contact just to ignore me. Or am I wrong and making it a bigger deal than it really is. Any advice is appreciated.

[TaraMaiden]

Oh, I'd send it.

But never lose sight of the fact that you were an idiot to engage her in conversation.

She used you like a sounding board, a mere buddy. And it goes to show how little she really cares about you.

 

Send the goddamn message, I would.

But then - and this really is asking a lot of you:

 

Delete her number off your phone, and block her.

 

If you can get an app to block her messages that would be cool, but failing that, use the following, if she should text back.

 

Reply with

Text blocker activated. Your message was not delivered.

 

Exactly like that.

 

And read the No Contact Guide in my signature.

 

The first post is the Guide itself. The remainder of the thread is composed of posts by people who broke No Contact - and regretted it, big-time.....

[Standard-Fare]

Sending that won't make you feel better. You'll feel even more vulnerable. I can nearly guarantee she won't respond. Beyond that, it will probably make her think less of you because she'll see you're not in control of your emotions. She'll see that the slightest trigger can push you right into the deep end, and once again, she'll have the power.

 

I wouldn't read too much into her texts with you. Most likely, they were just what they sounded like -- she was thinking fondly of some memories of the relationship with you. But I agree that she should have kept them to herself and recognized their potential to hurt or confuse you.

 

Leave it alone. You'll have more respect for yourself and she'll have more respect for you.

 

But if she continues giving you little slices of contact whenever she feels like it, and retreating back into silence whenever she feels like, you do have a right to say something short and sweet. Like, "Actually, having no contact with you was working a lot better for me. I hope you can respect that I can't be in communication with you at this point."

[Lost78]

Of course she won't respond. That wouldn't be the intent of the message. It would be to make her realise how manipulative is it and to not do it again. You are right though, I should just let it go and if it happens again, then I will just send the message.

[cavalier99]

Tara. This is the 1st time ive seen you say respond and break NC. Is it because OP is pretty much recovered? I would have said forget about it and he is making too big a deal about it. Cav

[TaraMaiden]

Oh, he didn't break No Contact.

She did.

 

She hurled a bagful of breadcrumbs in his face. And got the kind of responses she needed to feed her Ego.

 

Personally, I do think it's a bad idea to break Contact. At Any time. near, or far.

Hugely bad.

 

But apparently, while everyone seems to agree it's the best thing to do in order to move on, move forward and heal - they suddenly, at the drop of a hat, decide to do the complete opposite.

 

I have someone in PM's who drove me bonkers with continual justifications for breaking NC, in spite of my continually telling them it was a bad idea and they were simply inviting trouble, and all I kept getting back as, "But I want to get back with my ex... what do you think they mean by....? How should i respond?"

 

So you know what?

I went No Contact.

 

Now this thread - breaks No Contact.

And this thread - breaks No Contact.

 

Frankly, I'm getting fed up to the back teeth of everyone saying 'Yay!! No Contact! Really works! Am moving on, healing, doing well - oh hang on. Just made contact. What do I do now? What do they mean? How do I respond...?'

 

So to hell with it.

 

Do what you like people.

Go absolute total, complete, unequivocal No Contact.

For good.

Keep to it.

Maintain it.

 

Then, be sure to break it, and come back here desperate and perplexed, when you do.

 

[cavalier99]

Well ive taken advise to heart! 6 Months NC and no urge to break it nor would I repond to any communication. Some of us follow the guide to the letter! Yay for me. Cav

[TaraMaiden]

Unfortunately, it seems you're a dying breed - but all the better for it.

[TaraMaiden]

tara is hardcore about nc forever and beginning to see why... Most of you can't handle it.

thank you - !!!

[Wabisabi]

Well ive taken advise to heart! 6 Months NC and no urge to break it nor would I repond to any communication. Some of us follow the guide to the letter! Yay for me. Cav

 

Me too...still on NC although it's only been 15 days. Not easy at all but one day at a time.

[mtnbiker3000]

I'm 2 months LC (when still living together) and 8 days NC since. Hooray for me Would gladly go NC from here on out...

 

The sucky thing is there has to be some more LC down the road to finalize shared expenses and such. Really, really don't want to, but unavoidable. Too much cash at stake... Really don't want to

[iouaname]

there are a lot of ups and downs involved with no contact, I find. Sometimes I feel like it's the absolute best thing I have done for myself, and sometimes I feel like I'm making a huge mistake. I feel good that I have not broken since I began it though, despite the constant messages that I've gotten from my ex. Almost at the 2 month mark!

 

As for your situation, I think that you would feel a lot better and wouldn't still be stuck feeling like this if you hadn't attempted contact with her so much over the year! You haven't been with her for a year now, so surely you must be able to just completely stop contact with her and not talk to her at all? You should at least be able to try.

[MarinaX]

Don't send the message... I'm almost positive that you will feel worse about yourself. Regardless of whether your letter hurts her feelings and makes her realize her faults, you will still feel like sh*t. Just don't.. Just like before, days will pass and you will feel better again. Next time, just don't respond to her message.

 

Look at it this way- she asked you how youve been and you responded and asked her back. she told you she's been good and your last text message had no questions back, therefore end of convo. She didn't answer your calls most likely because she probably didn't anticipate that you'd dive back in so quick.

 

I have no idea if she was trying to be mean or just had a moment of weakness herself but continue to carry on with your life

 

edit: if you MUST send an email/letter, leave out all the parts about how hurt you are and how awful of a person she is. keep it as short as possible if the main message you want to give out is for her not to contact you anymore because you aren't at a place where you can handle it just yet.

Edited March 26, 2013 by MarinaX

[Lost78]

Thank you for your replies. It definitely made me look at it from a new perspective and now I won't send the message. I now know how I was looking at it and will correct my outlook if it ever happens again. I still may just ignore it next time even though I now know she is just being nice. It will be just easier for me to handle that way.

[Lost78]

Great Job! Your Ex doesn't hate you or wish you any harm. Just had a moment / thought she wanted to share.

 

Break ups are hard, messy with emotions running high so a lot of things are said / done that later on both parties later regret or didn't mean.

 

After enough time as passed, most dumpers don't care, forget or find humor in all the crazy crap that went down. They do this for several reasons but usually because they end up being the dumpee at some point themselves and do / say crazy things themselves.

 

Believe it or not, most of you will forgive your Ex, no longer have any ill will or have hard feelings towards them.

 

If / when you hear from them, most want to check in, say hi, catch up, apologize, share some big news, reminisce, etc. and it comes from a good place and they mean no harm.

 

Basically like running into an old friend or going to a High School Reunion.

While I agree with a lot of your advice, I think the situation of an ex texting out of the blue then ignoring any further contact is a little different then running into an old friend.

 

I agree that no one has control of your emotions but yourself, so I do blame myself for looking into a message too much, but you act as if you are this person who has never acted on emotion in your life. Good for you if that is the case, you are a much bigger person than I am and most of the other people here who have hurt from a break up. Don't get me wrong, your advice made me change my view the most quickly, and coming on here to vent helped also. I just don't understand why someone who isn't coping with a break up spends so much time getting aggravated by the way other people are coping on here.

 

For the record, I never pleaded or begged for another chance with her throughout the break up. She broke up with me over the phone and was extremely angry but had no reasoning behind that anger, so I went to her house to talk (i know, overrated) to find out where the anger was stemming. Now I know that it doesn't matter about the why or what, but at the time it seemed like the right thing to do. It would be a pretty cool thing that once you've been dumped, you can quickly shut off your feelings and instantly go into acceptance.

[ChrisC81]

Tara. This is the 1st time ive seen you say respond and break NC. Is it because OP is pretty much recovered? I would have said forget about it and he is making too big a deal about it. Cav

 

Contact has been broken already. He isn't breaking contact by sending the message. That is done.

 

To the Original poster. I think you should send it, so she knows where she stands with you, and knows her breadcrumbs are not welcomed. It is hindering your healing. I would take out the part where you call her "mean" and just basically let her know not to contact you ever again, for any reason.