Lacking intimacy and finding it with someone else

[hardplace]

I've been married 25 years to my wife who loves me a lot. Although I love my wife, it leans towards a platonic way and not as a lover or soulmate. During our marriage, she's never been very interested in sex, physical affection, or intimacy which is something I need. Vanilla sex every couple of months, pecks for kisses, and an occasional hug are enough for her but not me.

 

When we were dating, my wife was more affectionate and I had hoped being married would increase our intimacy but it went the other way. I wanted the marriage to work so I focused on work, business, and hobbies while trying to improve our relationship.

 

My conclusion is that my wife just isn't very intimate, verbally or physically. For example, we never had kids because I didn't feel close enough to her, and she wasn't comfortable bringing up the subject once in 20 years. I became depressed about 7 years ago after running out of interest in everything else. Although treated successfully, I was still far from happy.

 

A year ago, a girl reached out to me who was just the opposite of my wife. She's passionate, physically and emotionally affectionate, and easy to talk to. We quickly formed a strong connection even though she's in a serious long term relationship (it's complicated).

 

Although I didn't think it was a good idea to have sex, we've been close and she's willing to leave her boyfriend for me. We're in love, but both realize we're probably in the infatuation stage. If I were single, this would be a no brainer except for how it would hurt my wife who's largely blameless.

 

My wife might even consider an open relationship (to some degree, she already has), but that wouldn't be enough. The girl is willing to be with me, but justifiably wants to be the only one. Yet, leaving would devastate my wife.

 

This is probably my last chance to experience something I've sought for a quarter century - to be in a happy and fulfilling relationship. Everything I've accomplished is just a means for the emotional connection I'm experiencing with the girl. Even my health is better when I'm with her, and I have the motivation to do things. I'd give up 20 years of what I have now for just a few years of fulfillment, if it wasn't for the pain I'd cause.

 

I realize that no path will make everyone in this happy, but I'm interested in hearing other people's perspectives.

Edited March 26, 2013 by hardplace

[GuyInLimbo]

First of all, you need either MC or IC. Your head is in a bad place. Second, any time you have this situation where someone says they're willing to leave their partner for you, blah blah blah, it typically doesn't end well. Infatuation stage? Ya think?

 

You have two choices here. Go to counseling with your wife or GET OUT. It's unfair to everyone involved if you continue with what you're doing. In essence, you're already having an affair, physical or not. So, you're cheating. Do the right thing and allow your wife to move on with her life before sh*tting all over her. You think if/when she finds out what you've been up to, she's going to be OK? No.

 

Believe me, I know exactly where you're coming from, being in a very similar situation for the past decade. But I'm on my way out in the next few months. Everyone deserves intimacy. If your partner can't give it to you, then the best thing is to move on. But do it right.

[adelia]

i can totally relate!!

you are in a difficult position because youre with someone who is a good person and you share a history with but you are not compatible on the most important level-intimacy. intimacy is what differentuates a marriage or love relatiinship from a friendship. what you have is a friendship. friends are honest with each other. id tell your wife you need more and go from there. you have a right to be happy in your life. maybe an open marriage would be something your wife would consider but be prepared if shes not. what then? can you live the rest of your life void of the love of a woman?

[hardplace]

Thanks for the replies so far. Just to clarify, I didn't feel it would be right for me to play with other girls so I told my wife about a year ago that I wanted to play with some other girls so I could experience things that she wasn't interested in. She wasn't thrilled, but she didn't say no either.

 

However, the part that took me by surprise was that it wasn't the playing (sexual part) that made a big impact. It was the emotional connection that made the difference.

 

This isn't to absolve me of blame because I have formed an unexpected emotional relationship, and it's gone much deeper than I thought it would.

[GorillaTheater]

I've been married 29 years, and other than the cheating I relate to where you're coming from.

 

But before I offer you an opinion I need to know this:

 

Kids? Ages?

[hardplace]

i can totally relate!!

you are in a difficult position because youre with someone who is a good person and you share a history with but you are not compatible on the most important level-intimacy. intimacy is what differentuates a marriage or love relatiinship from a friendship. what you have is a friendship. friends are honest with each other. id tell your wife you need more and go from there. you have a right to be happy in your life. maybe an open marriage would be something your wife would consider but be prepared if shes not. what then? can you live the rest of your life void of the love of a woman?

 

This is so true.

 

If she was in her twenties and could find someone else, I know exactly what I'd do. However, we're both much older so she probably wouldn't, which is why this is so hard to do.

 

She has to leave for a trip for a couple months soon, and I was thinking of waiting until she got back before bringing up the issue of lack of intimacy being a problem.

[hardplace]

I've been married 29 years, and other than the cheating I relate to where you're coming from.

 

But before I offer you an opinion I need to know this:

 

Kids? Ages?

 

No kids, because she wasn't comfortable asking if I wanted any, and I wasn't comfortable having any in a relationship where I felt we weren't close enough. In retrospect, that's a pretty big gap for such a long marriage.

[carhill]

Trust me, a woman can attract a man at any age. Don't worry about that.

 

You married your wife so I presume you were quite intimate with her at some point. That's your 'foundation', along with other aspects of compatibility. Explore that with a professional and get a clear understanding of her perspective, your own and whether any middle ground can be reached. If not, divorce, not 'think about it'. File.

 

Other people are band-aids in this situation, IMO. BTDT. Deal with the real and move on.

[GuyInLimbo]

This is so true.

 

If she was in her twenties and could find someone else, I know exactly what I'd do. However, we're both much older so she probably wouldn't, which is why this is so hard to do.

 

 

I'm a guy and I find that statement insulting. Why would you say that about someone?

[GorillaTheater]

No kids, because she wasn't comfortable asking if I wanted any, and I wasn't comfortable having any in a relationship where I felt we weren't close enough. In retrospect, that's a pretty big gap for such a long marriage.

 

Then that takes my biggest reservation off the table. Divorce. The fact that your wife put up only small resistance to your finding intimacy elsewhere tells me that either she doesn't have alot of emotional investment in you, or that she's a brow-beaten Stepford Wife willing to oblige your every demand, and I would suspect the former.

 

Carhill's right, your wife will be okay, maybe more than okay when she finds someone more suited to her. This marriage has run it's course; give both of you the chance to find happiness.

[hardplace]

I'm a guy and I find that statement insulting. Why would you say that about someone?

 

I think it would be very hard for her to break away emotionally after so many years together and because she loves me so much. For her age, she's quite attractive and has lots of nice qualities if she wanted to find someone else.

 

I've always felt that I've been a disappointment to her, because she's always felt I've never loved her the way she loves me. I've even asked her in the past if she wanted to break up, but she said it wasn't that easy for girls to find someone as guys during middle age.

 

Ironically, that's what made the recent relationship jump out. For the first time, I made someone else really, really happy by just being me. Omg, that was the best part of all - that I made someone else feel really happy for once.

[pteromom]

You have no kids and nothing that really is forcing you to stay. Go... it's not fair to you to live a life you don't want, and it's not fair to your wife to keep her prisoner when your heart is elsewhere.

 

Just know that the affair relationship won't likely be what a REAL relationship with this girl would be, and go slowly.

[thefooloftheyear]

Trust me, a woman can attract a man at any age. Don't worry about that.

 

You married your wife so I presume you were quite intimate with her at some point. That's your 'foundation', along with other aspects of compatibility. Explore that with a professional and get a clear understanding of her perspective, your own and whether any middle ground can be reached. If not, divorce, not 'think about it'. File.

 

Other people are band-aids in this situation, IMO. BTDT. Deal with the real and move on.

 

 

Agreed....

 

And dont think that having affairs is going to create the life you want. It will only complicate it. What are you going to do when your gf leaves you because you didnt divorce your wife fast enough amd now you are left brokenhearted and back to the wife that cant fulfill your needs...

 

Id say live with it, try to make peace with it-or just leave.

 

TFOY

[Apolodor]

The grass is always greener on the other side..... Are you sure this is not a mid-life crisis? I have a hard time understanding how you spent 25 years with your wife and now feel that things are not working between you two. You had 25 YEARS to make this work, but instead you kept waiting for a younger girl to come and rescue you from your miserable ordeal..... You are pathetic, man!

 

Maybe your wife has some hormonal problems that have repercussions on her sex drive. Why don't you explore the root of the problems in your marriage? After all, that woman sacrificed 25 years of her life to be with someone like you. Or maybe she has something like Asperger's which may be affecting her emotional response. Just because you suddenly decided that she doesn't love you the way you want it does not make her less of a person. You need to be adult about this and act like a man.

[hardplace]

The grass is always greener on the other side..... Are you sure this is not a mid-life crisis? I have a hard time understanding how you spent 25 years with your wife and now feel that things are not working between you two. You had 25 YEARS to make this work, but instead you kept waiting for a younger girl to come and rescue you from your miserable ordeal..... You are pathetic, man!

 

I've always felt things haven't been working well wrt intimacy. I've even asked her in the past if she wanted to break up, but she didn't want to. It may be a mid-life crisis, but if so, it's been that way for over a decade.

 

However, I'm not saying the grass is greener. Intimacy and passion is the one aspect of the relationship in which it's poor. In most other areas, it's well above average.

 

Maybe your wife has some hormonal problems that have repercussions on her sex drive. Why don't you explore the root of the problems in your marriage? After all, that woman sacrificed 25 years of her life to be with someone like you. Or maybe she has something like Asperger's which may be affecting her emotional response. Just because you suddenly decided that she doesn't love you the way you want it does not make her less of a person. You need to be adult about this and act like a man.

 

What do you suggest?

Edited March 26, 2013 by hardplace

[Mr. Lucky]

No kids, because she wasn't comfortable asking if I wanted any, and I wasn't comfortable having any in a relationship where I felt we weren't close enough.

Your wife sounds closed off in more ways than just sexual intimacy. How could she not be comfortable discussing children with you?

 

A year ago, a girl reached out to me who was just the opposite of my wife. She's passionate, physically and emotionally affectionate, and easy to talk to. We quickly formed a strong connection even though she's in a serious long term relationship (it's complicated).

What is the age difference between you and this girl ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[GuyInLimbo]

The grass is always greener on the other side..... Are you sure this is not a mid-life crisis? I have a hard time understanding how you spent 25 years with your wife and now feel that things are not working between you two. You had 25 YEARS to make this work, but instead you kept waiting for a younger girl to come and rescue you from your miserable ordeal..... You are pathetic, man!

 

Maybe your wife has some hormonal problems that have repercussions on her sex drive. Why don't you explore the root of the problems in your marriage? After all, that woman sacrificed 25 years of her life to be with someone like you. Or maybe she has something like Asperger's which may be affecting her emotional response. Just because you suddenly decided that she doesn't love you the way you want it does not make her less of a person. You need to be adult about this and act like a man.

 

Since I can relate to this guy quite a bit (albeit married half the amt of time), I don't nec think it's a grass-is-greener scenario all the time. For example, when I have to travel on business, or my wife is away, I'm quite happy and content. It's her presence I can't stand.

 

When you suffer from lack of intimacy in a relationship, the grass is always greener in another situation. Really, what's worse than being in a situation with another person who simply can't/won't fulfill your needs? I can tell you first hand it f'ing SUCKS on a daily basis (and not in a good way!).

 

Did he wait too long? Absolutely. But it's not too late to find a fulfilling life without the current wife.

 

And, OP, I'm sure you care about your wife. But you can't bear the responsibility of the pain she might feel if you leave (it will be less than if she finds out you're cheating on her). She's an adult. She needs to put her big girl panties on and find ways to heal and move on. And, maybe she'll be relieved.

[hardplace]

Your wife sounds closed off in more ways than just sexual intimacy. How could she not be comfortable discussing children with you?

 

Lack of intimacy in verbal communications as well, which is why I didn't limit it to sexual intimacy.

 

For example, we almost never say "I love you" because it's so forced and uncomfortable.

 

What is the age difference between you and this girl ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

She's substantially younger, but it's because I socialize with a younger crowd due to what I do. I don't think the age difference is relevant though, because it could have happened with anyone.

 

Did he wait too long? Absolutely. But it's not too late to find a fulfilling life without the current wife.

 

From my perspective, I tried and waited for a long time to make it work. I exercised to be more fit, tried being more laid back, waited because I heard women get more sexual in their 40s, tried to discuss more intimate topics, tried to spruce up the sex life, etc but nothing worked.

 

I've heard that marriage is about love, intimacy, and dedication. We're certainly dedicated, and have half the love part right. However, I realized that some things are wired in and won't change no matter how long or what is tried.

[Techie Artist]

I think it would be very hard for her to break away emotionally after so many years together and because she loves me so much. For her age, she's quite attractive and has lots of nice qualities if she wanted to find someone else.

 

I've always felt that I've been a disappointment to her, because she's always felt I've never loved her the way she loves me. I've even asked her in the past if she wanted to break up, but she said it wasn't that easy for girls to find someone as guys during middle age.

 

Based on your statements, I figure that under her breath, she calls you "@zzhole" and is waiting for you to make your move. When a woman withholds intimacy, she is putting up a wall to protect her heart. You've basically discarded her, and she is disappointed and angry and resentful and shocked and saddened by your request for an open relationship. You should have thought "how do I fix what's wrong" before "let me find some other chick to butter my biscuits".

 

She may be suffering from low self esteem, but if she's a attractive as you say, she'll be fine. Do her a favor and end it.

[Mr. Lucky]

She's substantially younger, but it's because I socialize with a younger crowd due to what I do. I don't think the age difference is relevant though, because it could have happened with anyone.

I disagree. I think she's not really the answer, she's part of the question - where do I go from here? I also work in a field with mostly younger folk so I understand both the dynamic and temptation.

 

Come on now - middle-aged man, frustrated in his marriage and sex life, younger girl that he works with? We've all seen the movie and it doesn't end well.

 

After 25 years, you at least owe your wife resolution of your marriage before you get involved with someone else. Whether you try or not to reconcile, up to you. But your spouse deserves to make the same informed decisions you are and, to do so, she needs to know what you're thinking and doing. And it may be a self-fulfilling prophecy - telling her you're sleeping with a "girl" might instantly resolve your marital state...

 

Mr. Lucky

[adelia]

It sounds like you really did try to make things work. Don't be too hard on yourself. She plays a part in this as well. You made your feelings known and she didn't try her part in making you feel desired and wanted. It takes two to work on a relationship. The fact you stayed so long is a testament to the fact you were committed to her and wanted to make things work.

You could try counseling it may at least make your separation easier or help you communicate better.

She just reminds me of my ex who I begged and pleaded with to be more affectionate with and has closeness but he never initiated and I always felt it was just me making the effort. After awhile it didn't seem mutual. That's when things start to disintegrate.

This girl came into your life and reminded you that you are still alive inside and desire feeling loved. Something you don't need to be ashamed of but you should be honest with your wife and place your cards on the table.

[2.50 a gallon]

Amigo

 

You only get one ride on the merry-go-round, when the ride is over it is over for good.

 

After my divorce I found myself in a similar relationship, thankfully I did not marry her. But shortly thereafter found a woman who loves showing affection. I get kisses, hugs, butt squeeze at least half a dozen times a day. Maybe that is why I haven't looked at any one new in 17 years.

 

Go for it

[Techie Artist]

She just reminds me of my ex who I begged and pleaded with to be more affectionate with and has closeness but he never initiated and I always felt it was just me making the effort. After awhile it didn't seem mutual. That's when things start to disintegrate.

 

Not being a mind reader or privy to any information, Adelia, I wonder whether she wasn't affectionate with you prior to your pleas due to some issue she never shared. It's hard to "be" more affectionate when you don't "feel" affectionate toward the intended.

 

For example, if you've ignored something important I've said, I might be annoyed and not feel like being affectionate. You may have moved on like nothing happened (because you ignored it), but you can't figure out why I'm a cold B a week later. This happens repeatedly, and I conclude that you don't care. Now I really don't feel like "be"ing affectionate.

 

Consider this: when a married woman who has not had a problem being affectionate becomes so-called "suddenly" cold, it's FOR A REASON. Find out the reason. Find it early. Fix it.

[adelia]

I agree with what you're saying. There could very well be a reason but in my case I asked him why things had changed, did I do something to change how he felt and asked him why he wouldn't initiate being close. He could never open up he just gave lame excuses that he had a hard time with intimacy and sex. That's understandable but try and make an effort to change. Give an inch( no pun intended lol) and make me feel like I mattered to him like I took care to express to him. I stayed far too long looking back. I exhausted every avenue to the point I had no self esteem, felt unworthy of any man and lost my confidence a's a sexy vibrant woman, which I will say yes I am. I can now say that and believe it. To this day I still do not know why things changed but they did and not very far into the relationship either I might add. I've heard of people pretending to be affectionate and sexual at the beginning of a relationship but dropping it after they felt they didn't need to try anymore. This could be tge case as well I'll never know.

Point made is the OP has tried to be close and has tried to communicate but his wife is unresponsive. That is no longer his fault. As you said I'm not privy to all info in that marriage but going by what he wrote I'd say he has put in his time. He deserves to be happy imo

 

 

Not being a mind reader or privy to any information, Adelia, I wonder whether she wasn't affectionate with you prior to your pleas due to some issue she never shared. It's hard to "be" more affectionate when you don't "feel" affectionate toward the intended.

 

For example, if you've ignored something important I've said, I might be annoyed and not feel like being affectionate. You may have moved on like nothing happened (because you ignored it), but you can't figure out why I'm a cold B a week later. This happens repeatedly, and I conclude that you don't care. Now I really don't feel like "be"ing affectionate.

 

Consider this: when a married woman who has not had a problem being affectionate becomes so-called "suddenly" cold, it's FOR A REASON. Find out the reason. Find it early. Fix it.

[hardplace]

Point made is the OP has tried to be close and has tried to communicate but his wife is unresponsive. That is no longer his fault. As you said I'm not privy to all info in that marriage but going by what he wrote I'd say he has put in his time. He deserves to be happy imo

 

Our situations are similar except my wife has tried, and has always been nice, considerate, and cheerful. She's always been nice to me, which is why I married her.

 

What I realized after a couple years of marriage was how much I needed verbal and physical intimacy. After many years of trying to get that from her, I realized asking her to change is not any more likely than losing my own need for it. I think we're just not compatible in that way.

 

Whatever people say about the other girl, she's the one who made me realize it was about emotions, not sex. Now I need to convey what I learned to my wife and see what happens next. Thanks for your help, and everyone else's help too.