Lacking intimacy and finding it with someone else

[hardplace]

After 25 years, you at least owe your wife resolution of your marriage before you get involved with someone else. Whether you try or not to reconcile, up to you. But your spouse deserves to make the same informed decisions you are and, to do so, she needs to know what you're thinking and doing. And it may be a self-fulfilling prophecy - telling her you're sleeping with a "girl" might instantly resolve your marital state...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I had discussed with my wife about my need for more, and that I intended to play so it wouldn't be a complete shock. Your point is well taken though.

[Darren Steez]

2 pages, 3 people discussed, 1 person noticeably left out.

 

I applaud OP for his awakening and confronting the truth, what about the girlfriend's boyfriend, what's his role in all this? All that's written is it's complicated...how? Are they still together? Did you two have sex? If so you completely rolled over another man to find yourself didn't you?

[hardplace]

2 pages, 3 people discussed, 1 person noticeably left out.

 

I applaud OP for his awakening and confronting the truth, what about the girlfriend's boyfriend, what's his role in all this? All that's written is it's complicated...how? Are they still together? Did you two have sex? If so you completely rolled over another man to find yourself didn't you?

 

We never had sex, but weren't hands off either. There are substantial codependency issues in her relationship, so I doubt he's blameless or else she wouldn't have approached me.

 

However, I'm not using that as justification because it really is complicated with a fair amount of uncertainties. I just try to give her my view based on what she tells me so she can decide.

[Mr. Lucky]

I had discussed with my wife about my need for more, and that I intended to play so it wouldn't be a complete shock. Your point is well taken though.

Again, if you discussed the intention, why not followup with a discussion of the results?

 

Hardplace, I don't blame you for being frustrated and arriving at a point where you want to move on. However, I do think it's unfair to use the comfort of established marriage, hearth and home as a launching pad to do so. By your account, your wife still considers herself married to you. You should at least be fair with her as that situation changes...

 

Mr. Lucky

[hardplace]

Again, if you discussed the intention, why not followup with a discussion of the results?

 

Hardplace, I don't blame you for being frustrated and arriving at a point where you want to move on. However, I do think it's unfair to use the comfort of established marriage, hearth and home as a launching pad to do so. By your account, your wife still considers herself married to you. You should at least be fair with her as that situation changes...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

We are still married, and it's there's no conclusion yet on which way this will go. A lot of this depends on what direction she wants to take and what she can handle. But before discussing with her, it's useful to vet the options. The discussion is going to be unpleasant, but I can make it less if I understand as much as possible.

 

I'm reading this and wondering if you have ever considered professional counseling to help you and you wife work through these issues. Apparently, you and your wife love each other...have committed to each other..weathered 25 yrs together... That seems to be worth working on and finding answers and solutions to help you two have the intimacy you both need. Just my perspective.

 

Not saying the professional counseling isn't worth a try, but imagine this: the only food you had for 50 years was crackers and cheese. It' really good crackers and cheese, but that's all it is. You'd feel dissatisfied and know something was missing, but you wouldn't know what because you've never had anything else.

 

Someone takes you out to a restaurant and you realize that food can be so much richer and more complex. You'd finally understand why people watch food network, eat out, and make kitchens the center of the party.

 

Until now, I didn't understand why someone would call their wife in the middle of a work day to say I love you, or text them asking how things were going. I didn't understand how anyone could have sex a whole day, or why someone would kiss in the middle of a park. I didn't understand why people wanted children. I didn't understand why going to a theme park would still be fun after 20. I didn't even understand how people could be comfortable saying they love each other.

 

Now I know what kind of person makes that happen for me. Unfortunately it isn't my wife because she doesn't like any of the things that help build intimacy for me, verbal or physical. Most of it is icky or unpleasant for her. It's a big gap.

 

If we stay together, the realistic scenario is that I settle for much less intimacy than I want. It wouldn't kill me, but it's a big price.

Edited March 28, 2013 by hardplace

[Darren Steez]

We never had sex, but weren't hands off either. There are substantial codependency issues in her relationship, so I doubt he's blameless or else she wouldn't have approached me.

 

However, I'm not using that as justification because it really is complicated with a fair amount of uncertainties. I just try to give her my view based on what she tells me so she can decide.

 

????

 

and yes you are using it as a justification otherwise if she was happily in a relationship but you became friends and she still made you feel that way would you break it off? Of course not.

 

Fact is it's cheating, you are both, emotionally since it hasn't gone physical yet, and we can argue over the semantics of what she's saying and how you're interpreting it but the facts in the cold light of day are she's cheating on her guy and is justifying it *albeit rather hazily*, at this point if she said she's unhappy with him because he wears red underwear on Sundays, you'd validate it in a heartbeat.

[adelia]

It's called being in love when you "want" to do those things like call/text your partner to tell them you love them or just hear how their day is going. I used to send cute I love you google pics to him but stopped after never having it reciprocated. I didn't do it to get anything back I enjoyed and do enjoy expressing myself to the man I love but after awhile felt silly.

You are not I repeat not wrong feeling and desiring this in your life. You've been without for far too long. I equate it to a plant that's not been watered for months and has tasted it's first drop of water. Love is an important component to ones life being happy. Just because your wife doesn't need to express herself or want it doesn't mean you're the same. Your needs matter

 

We are still married, and it's there's no conclusion yet on which way this will go. A lot of this depends on what direction she wants to take and what she can handle. But before discussing with her, it's useful to vet the options. The discussion is going to be unpleasant, but I can make it less if I understand as much as possible.

 

 

 

Not saying the professional counseling isn't worth a try, but imagine this: the only food you had for 50 years was crackers and cheese. It' really good crackers and cheese, but that's all it is. You'd feel dissatisfied and know something was missing, but you wouldn't know what because you've never had anything else.

 

Someone takes you out to a restaurant and you realize that food can be so much richer and more complex. You'd finally understand why people watch food network, eat out, and make kitchens the center of the party.

 

Until now, I didn't understand why someone would call their wife in the middle of a work day to say I love you, or text them asking how things were going. I didn't understand how anyone could have sex a whole day, or why someone would kiss in the middle of a park. I didn't understand why people wanted children. I didn't understand why going to a theme park would still be fun after 20. I didn't even understand how people could be comfortable saying they love each other.

 

Now I know what kind of person makes that happen for me. Unfortunately it isn't my wife because she doesn't like any of the things that help build intimacy for me, verbal or physical. Most of it is icky or unpleasant for her. It's a big gap.

 

If we stay together, the realistic scenario is that I settle for much less intimacy than I want. It wouldn't kill me, but it's a big price.

[Mr. Lucky]

We are still married, and it's there's no conclusion yet on which way this will go. A lot of this depends on what direction she wants to take and what she can handle. But before discussing with her, it's useful to vet the options. The discussion is going to be unpleasant, but I can make it less if I understand as much as possible.

Again, what you're doing isn't wrong. What you want and are looking for fall well within the scope of normal needs.

 

But the way you're going about it is wrong. It's impossible for you to be fair to your wife while you're seeing this other woman. And it's impossible to know what you really have with her while you're still married to your wife. You can't do the right thing by either involved with both.

 

And it's also possible that you're shortchanging your self in both relationships...

 

Mr. Lucky

[GuyInLimbo]

 

From my perspective, I tried and waited for a long time to make it work. I exercised to be more fit, tried being more laid back, waited because I heard women get more sexual in their 40s, tried to discuss more intimate topics, tried to spruce up the sex life, etc but nothing worked.

 

 

I think you need to get rid of the "horny 40's" notion. Either a woman is sexual or she's not. Period. Some women may go through an "awakening" due to a divorce or something, but at their core they're sexual or not very sexual. Some of it is pure chemistry. A lot of it isn't. Your wife is uptight and that's probably never going to change in that respect, regardless of what you do.

[GuyInLimbo]

 

Until now, I didn't understand why someone would call their wife in the middle of a work day to say I love you, or text them asking how things were going. I didn't understand how anyone could have sex a whole day, or why someone would kiss in the middle of a park. I didn't understand why people wanted children. I didn't understand why going to a theme park would still be fun after 20. I didn't even understand how people could be comfortable saying they love each other.

 

Now I know what kind of person makes that happen for me. Unfortunately it isn't my wife because she doesn't like any of the things that help build intimacy for me, verbal or physical. Most of it is icky or unpleasant for her. It's a big gap.

 

If we stay together, the realistic scenario is that I settle for much less intimacy than I want. It wouldn't kill me, but it's a big price.

 

This is why you need to be done and file now. Stop making excuses and just do it. You now KNOW what you are missing. In fact, you've been craving it for years but part of you didn't realize how badly. You've already settled and you're miserable. What do you accomplish by staying with her? When you're on your death bed, are you going to look back and say you did the right thing or regret you didn't pursue true love?

 

I've said it ten times, but you and I are in similar boats. I'm on my way out soon. For YEARS, I've craved to be with a WOMAN. A real, genuine woman. Not my uptight, insecure, jealous, barely sexual, moody, bitter, "how dare you send me a Victoria's Secret" catalog wife.

 

You want to be with a woman who is the only one you ever notice in a crowded room. The only you want to go home with at the end of the night when you're at a bar or a party. The one that makes you feel like a king in bed and always desired. One that has no sexual hangups and is eager to please you as you are her with no insecurities or ickiness. And, yeah, that one you want to send little flirty messages to, one you WANT to do things with and want to go places with.

 

That's where I want to be and know I can with someone else. That's where you are as well. You're in a much more fortunate situation in that you don't have kids (I do) and your wife is probably more aware of your unhappiness (mine isn't...but she's unhappy, too). This chick you're flirting with right now may not (probably not) be the one for you. But she IS the one to remind you that you're still alive. That you're still a healthy, sexual being. You can get there, man. Please do it.

[Mr. Lucky]

You can get there, man. Please do it.

Are you talking to him or yourself? And having read some of your previous threads, what stops you from following your own advice ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[GuyInLimbo]

Are you talking to him or yourself? And having read some of your previous threads, what stops you from following your own advice ???

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I'm talking to him.

 

And I'm taking care of my own business in the next few weeks. There have been several things that have pushed me back. But that's about to end.

[hardplace]

Started dialogue with my wife. It will take awhile to work out the details, but it looks very promising.

 

I appreciate all the feedback, especially from those who were positive and non-judgmental. I try my best to do the right thing and appreciate your support.

 

Best,

Not-such-a-hardplace

[Gunny376]

I've been married 25 years to my wife who loves me a lot. Although I love my wife, it leans towards a platonic way and not as a lover or soulmate. During our marriage, she's never been very interested in sex, physical affection, or intimacy which is something I need. Vanilla sex every couple of months, pecks for kisses, and an occasional hug are enough for her but not me.

 

When we were dating, my wife was more affectionate and I had hoped being married would increase our intimacy but it went the other way. I wanted the marriage to work so I focused on work, business, and hobbies while trying to improve our relationship.

 

My conclusion is that my wife just isn't very intimate, verbally or physically. For example, we never had kids because I didn't feel close enough to her, and she wasn't comfortable bringing up the subject once in 20 years. I became depressed about 7 years ago after running out of interest in everything else. Although treated successfully, I was still far from happy.

 

A year ago, a girl reached out to me who was just the opposite of my wife. She's passionate, physically and emotionally affectionate, and easy to talk to. We quickly formed a strong connection even though she's in a serious long term relationship (it's complicated).

 

Although I didn't think it was a good idea to have sex, we've been close and she's willing to leave her boyfriend for me. We're in love, but both realize we're probably in the infatuation stage. If I were single, this would be a no brainer except for how it would hurt my wife who's largely blameless.

 

My wife might even consider an open relationship (to some degree, she already has), but that wouldn't be enough. The girl is willing to be with me, but justifiably wants to be the only one. Yet, leaving would devastate my wife.

 

This is probably my last chance to experience something I've sought for a quarter century - to be in a happy and fulfilling relationship. Everything I've accomplished is just a means for the emotional connection I'm experiencing with the girl. Even my health is better when I'm with her, and I have the motivation to do things. I'd give up 20 years of what I have now for just a few years of fulfillment, if it wasn't for the pain I'd cause.

 

I realize that no path will make everyone in this happy, but I'm interested in hearing other people's perspectives.

 

What I'm about to say is going to PYO!

 

Sorry about that!

 

I think you need to look at the three fingers you've got pointing back at you to the one that you're pointing toward the faults of the DW! I think you need to look at your mental, emotional, pyshological, spiritual growth as a person, as a man, as a individual, as a Spiritual Being. I think you're stunted in that growth.

 

You and you alone chose your wife of 25 years ago for a reason! That reason was because as spiritual being you needed to obtain self actualiztion, self valadation,

 

Yet,.........................25 years later you STILL seek such from that of another, willing to abandon a faithful and truthfull partner!

 

Before you can expect someone to love you?

 

You've got to love yourself!

 

Before you can expect validation from someone else?

 

You've got to validate yourself!

 

Before you can expect someone else to "Accept" you for you, as you are, for what you are?

 

You've got to accept yourself!

Edited March 29, 2013 by Gunny376

[Mr. Lucky]

And I'm taking care of my own business in the next few weeks. There have been several things that have pushed me back. But that's about to end.

My post came across as more antagonistic than I meant it to be. I was just curious as to what your next step was going to be.

Started dialogue with my wife. It will take awhile to work out the details, but it looks very promising.

 

I appreciate all the feedback, especially from those who were positive and non-judgmental. I try my best to do the right thing and appreciate your support.

Hope it goes as well as a difficult situation can. Keep us posted...

 

Mr. Lucky

[GuyInLimbo]

My post came across as more antagonistic than I meant it to be. I was just curious as to what your next step was going to be.

 

Hope it goes as well as a difficult situation can. Keep us posted...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Oh, no worries. It was actually a legit question, as I think I've been on here since last summer and haven't made the big step, while dishing out advice like I'm Dr. Phil. I've been taking my time doing as much research as possible as to what I may be in for, etc. I think some people make a decision to split without a clue to the ramifications.

 

Oddly enough, I'm crossing my fingers having that discussion will be a relief for my wife and we can work things out amicably. We talked a bit this wknd and she's unhappy and told me she doesn't want to be with someone who can't communicate with her and be emotionally supportive. Which I'm not/can't. So, we'll see.