Life after breakup

[brokenheart]

My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years brokeup with me last night. I was surprised, but not terribly. We had been discussing taking a break. But not a break-up. That has come to me as a shocker.

 

I am so used to doing things with him and having him in my life that I don't exacly know how to pick up the pieces.

 

How do I go about that?

 

I need to know the phases of going through the next few weeks so I am more prepared to deal with my feelings.

 

When should I start dating? When will I feel like it?

 

I can't even think about other men just yet.

 

Thanks a bunch

[Catherine]

i know exactly how you feel. my boyfriend broke up with me 3 weeks ago and it was very much a surprise. i certainly didn't see it coming because things appeared to be going just fine between us and i was absolutely devestated.

 

one of the hardest parts of a break-up is acceptance. it is very hard to accept that you aren't doing things with them and they're not there like they used to be. that was the hardest part for me at first, but it's totally natural. like you said, it is what you were USED to, and it's also natural that you will feel that loss.

 

you will feel sad and unhappy (of course). you may even feel a sense of anger at times (why didn't this work? why did you do this to me?). anger can actually be a great motivator. you will have moments where you feel you're doing fine. you will have moments where you feel the loss of not having him there. there are many phases we go throught directly after a break-up. these are in no specific order, and can affect you at random, but it's nothing short of normal to have these feelings.

 

good friends and family have helped me through my many low times, which you will have, but it is all part of the healing process. as one of my friends told me, "you have to think about what you did in your life before you met him and reclaim yourself". it all feels so impossible to me at times, but i know she's right. i did have a life before i met him. i try to look at him being part of my life as something that was a wonderful experience and something that i will grow from. my mother once said to me "you will have a few relationships in your life that don't work out, all except the last one". and it's so true. nearly everyone out there has been broken-hearted at least once, but we grow stronger through it, we learn from it, and we will come out knowing exactly we want.

 

i understand how you're not ready to even consider being with another guy right now. but that's ok, because you wouldn't want to be with a guy for all the wrong reasons and end up feeling worse. but that doesn't stop you from meeting men on a platonic level. at the moment, the last thing i want is a relationship, but i would like to meet guys - as friends and nothing more - so i know that there are nice guys out there (if that makes sense).

 

it can be hard to know where to start to pick up the pieces. i've been going through it myself the last few weeks. but when i sit here thinking about how i can help you, there are a few things that i know have helped me through each day (i haven't taken this break-up as well as i thought i would, but these things have really helped me along):

 

crying - you have to let it out, because it's very therapeutic and it's not healthy to bottle it up. it's a great release.

 

talk to family/friends - that's what they're there for. you need a shoulder to cry or an ear to bash and talking is another great release.

 

write - put your thoughts and feelings down on paper. write a letter, as though you were writing it to him, and mail it to yourself (i actually wrote 5 pages of thoughts the other week). it's good to write things down, especially some things that you don't feel comfortable talking to people about. yet AGAIN, another really good way of releasing these feelings.

 

make goals - plan a holiday, start a sport, a new job, a new hairstyle - whatever makes you feel a little more optimistic and happy. do something for yourself.

 

clear clutter - as much as i loved my boyfriend, i removed all items he gave me as gifts and photos from my wall - for the time being - to help me heal quicker, and put them in a box under my bed. don't throw anything out. it's just a little bit easier to heal when you don't have constant reminders of them staring you in the face all the time. a lot of things will remind you of him that you can't remove (like certain roads, your house), but clear what you can.

 

make new memories - i found it very painful to go places that remind me of him at first. but i couldn't keep avoiding them because it only slows down the healing process. take a friend/friends to these places and try your best to have a good time. it will be hard at first, but it does get easier.

 

and last but not least:

 

time - you probably wish it was 6 months down the track already, where you know you will be feeling better. but with every little step you take to reclaim yourself, you are getting that little bit closer to dealing with this break-up. expect moments of pain, expect moments of anger, expect moments of feeling ok. you will have mixed emotions at times, but that's only natural. and don't be afraid of them. we all go through these feelings, every single one of us, but you will be stronger in the end and you will come out knowing exactly what you want from life.

 

use all these emotions and actions for yourself, and make this a time to focus on yourself. you will find yourself pulling through that little bit more each day. even if some days feel worse than others and you feel you're not coping well, you are getting there with every little step. time is the essence here, and as the old addage states, "time heals old wounds".

 

good luck to you and i wish you the best of happiness.

[Tony T]

What you're going through takes time, lots of time. All of the questions you have asked you will answer for yourself in your own way in your own time.

 

Don't screw your brain trying to analyze your previous relationship or wonder what you could have done differently to save it. The answer is NOTHING. It was meant to end because there's something better out there for you. That doesn't make it any less painful, I know, and it is important for you to feel whatever emotions that come up and deal with them.

 

The days and evenings will feel very strange to you for a while. You'll pass restuarants, clubs, theatres, etc. that you went to with your guy and you'll feel sad and your stomach will feel a bit weird. Don't worry, this passes with time. You will have many moments of wanting to call him to say hello...don't do it...you only open yourself up for continued hurt. Don't write him, send him messages, or try to schedule talks with him. Let him go.

 

Stay busy with friends and use this down time to better yourself through reading, volunteer working, taking classes on subjects you may be interested in, reacquainting yourself with friends you haven't seen in a while, etc. But don't bend their ears with all the crap about your ex and your breakup. That's for a few very close friends or a counsellor if you need one.

 

Some people take longer to get through this process than others. But you will absolutely know when you're ready to see other people. Don't do it soon, though. That's not fair to you or the other people. Some take three or four months...some take a year, two or even more. It's an individual thing...and you will know when you are ready to start dating in earnest.

 

If you go out with guys and try to tell them you just want to have fun and be friends, forget it. Guys are dense and they just don't understand that. Many will end up falling for you and then you'll be in other head stuff you don't need. But if you have some guy friends that are strictly platonic, do things with them. But don't date until you feel ready.

 

You won't be thinking about men for a while...but don't spend the time thinking about your ex. As I said, use this time to do many of the things you put on hold while you were dating.

 

In time, you will see this was the best thing that could happen. Whenever you feel you need a break from a relationship, that's pretty serious. People who love and care about each other don't need breaks from each other. Your relationship was destined to end. You will see that very clearly sometime in the future.

 

You'll be just fine. Hang in there and try to smile often.

[Nic]

Tony made a 2 very good important points here, that you MUST bear in mind:

Don't screw your brain trying to analyze your previous relationship or wonder what you could have done differently to save it. The answer is NOTHING. It was meant to end because there's something better out there for you. That doesn't make it any less painful, I know, and it is important for you to feel whatever emotions that come up and deal with them.

analysing does exactly that - screws your brain. it makes you ASSUME things that weren't even there and makes it a hell of a lot harder to move on. you know why you broke up, so don't look into it for some hidden reason/meaning, because there aren't any.

You will have many moments of wanting to call him to say hello...don't do it...you only open yourself up for continued hurt. Don't write him, send him messages, or try to schedule talks with him. Let him go.

this is extremely hard to do sometimes, but it will be even harder for you to deal with things if you make contact. you need to let your wounds heal, and contacting him in any way will only make them open more. letting go will be a lot more liberating than you think.

 

oh, and keep coming to love shack. it does a world of good and speaking from experience, it has helped me a lot in dealing with my pain and my experiences knowing there are people out there who are going through the same thing(s), and people who genuinely care.

[Deejette]

Both Catharine and Tony have given some valuable advice that comes from their experience. That is one of the wonderful things about the LoveShack. People have gone through the heartache, came out the other side of it alive, and share their insights with others to help them get through it.

 

I remember my first posting on this site. One advisor told me she was going through the same thing I was and it made me feel so happy to know that there was emotional support from a complete stranger who cared and wanted to alleviate my suffering.

 

But we all must go through the mourning process, almost like with the death of a loved one, when we experience a break-up. And there is no shortcut to going through the whole thing and being done with it. That is why it is not good to rush into a new relationship just to keep the pain at bay. We can play the "Merry Widow" but the sorrow will come out one way or the other (wild behavior, heavy drinking, promiscuity, involvement with the wrong person, etc.).

 

Catharine is right, time is the great healer, and we must be patient with it. Tony is correct too: We need to have faith that the relationship really wasn't right for us and that a better one is on its way when we are ready.

Tony made a 2 very good important points here, that you MUST bear in mind: analysing does exactly that - screws your brain. it makes you ASSUME things that weren't even there and makes it a hell of a lot harder to move on. you know why you broke up, so don't look into it for some hidden reason/meaning, because there aren't any. this is extremely hard to do sometimes, but it will be even harder for you to deal with things if you make contact. you need to let your wounds heal, and contacting him in any way will only make them open more. letting go will be a lot more liberating than you think. oh, and keep coming to love shack. it does a world of good and speaking from experience, it has helped me a lot in dealing with my pain and my experiences knowing there are people out there who are going through the same thing(s), and people who genuinely care.