My emotionally abusive father...was he molested? or is he just a scumbag?

[ScrewedFamily]

Ok, this is a very long general question to anyone out there wanting to comment.

 

I have a father who I feel has never bonded with me emotionally, while he enjoys a somewhat "normal" relationship with my two siblings, he seems very cold and distanced from me. He has pretty much told me I’m a looser my entire life and that I never make good decisions. Do you think I may have been a child from an extramarital affair? (he has never admitted this) Is it possible, that this type of behavior (inability to bond) could be a result of him possibly being molested as a child by a stepfather? His bio father died in just after WW2 when he was 4 or so. Could his inability to bond be due to his loss of his father at the age of 4? In general I can also say he has no real friends and no real relationships outside of his professional life (which he is the CEO of a fortune 500 company) He pretty much abandoned us with our mother when I was 11, she was an alcoholic and mentally unstable, and he met and married a secretary. She has always kept him away from us. In high school he would not allow any of his children to live with him, but allowed her children to move in with them. He has always been very tight with his money with his children, while he lavishes his wife with literally millions of dollars worth of "stuff" each year. (He is worth upwards of a billion dollars)

He now is unable or unwilling to bond with my children, his only grand children. I don’t know how to handle this. Should i sever all ties with him and keep my children away from what I see is toxic behavior? Should I confront him? I have in the past and he usually just shuts down. In an ideal life I would want to make this work... I'd like to do whatever it takes to make sure my children have a relationship with their only living grand parent. Or does this seem like a waste of time and he is just a scumbag?

 

This is a serious post...I'd like some serious, thoughtful feedback

[moimeme]

He clearly has issues and it's awful hard to know what they might be without talking to him. You could try writing him a letter telling him what you said here about 'I'd like to do whatever it takes to make sure my children have a relationship with their only living grand parent' and ask how he thinks you two could mend your relationship. See how he responds. Do you think he might be willing to attend family counselling?

 

Are your siblings the same gender as you? That might have something to do with it if they're both the other gender.

 

Did he have a grandparent he enjoyed? If so, you might be able to suggest that you'd like your children to have a similar relationship with him.

 

Sometimes people who were mistreated as children form bonds with people who use or control them because they never learned to have good relationships with caring people. He sounds like one of those people. Try not to cut him off unless he is totally horrible to you. He sounds like someone who needs a lot of understanding. However, if he's behaving badly, don't have your kids around where they can watch it.

[ScrewedFamily]

My siblings are one brother.. and one sister... they are close in age.. I am somewhat older

[moimeme]

Hm. It could be any number of things but you only get one family so I think it's worth a shot at trying to mend relations with him. Maybe he started out on the wrong foot and never quite figured out how to get it right. I just don't know but I hope it works out for you.

[fritziematt]

He could have been abused and that may attribute to his behavior but you have to remember that he is still responsible for what he does. If you want to try to get things right with him and it works that would be great! You will never know if you don't try.