Would you want the OW to tell you your fiance is cheating?

[guilted]

My title says it all really. I am a former OW and have decided not to tell for a few reasons but I am open to criticism (I truly just do not want to cause any more hurt)

..

1. She might think I was doing it out of anger - in this case it definitely would not be as time has passed and I am not angry and truly feel bad for her

2. He may just tell her I'm crazy and deny deny (he already said we were just friends)

3. It is none of my business

4. I do not want to hurt her because she is madly in love with him

 

I struggled with this for 3 months knowing they are getting married in a few months. I am reconciling with my husband as that is what I have wanted to do since I ended the affair. I have told my husband everything and we are in counselling. In my case my husband knows the truth for my 2 month long affair so he was able to make his own decision to forgive me. She is in the dark.

 

I am not innocent in this. This is the first time I have ever done this in my life and I feel very ashamed of the pain I caused my husband. In a way in the end I did not want his fiance to feel the same pain but I know I am not the only woman he has cheated with since they have been together. I truly feel bad for this younger (maybe naive) woman. He does not feel any remorse for his actions in fact he was upset I was ending it.

 

The one thing (on top of many) that I feel very bad about is that he pursued me and I felt she should know the man she was marrying, he texted me over 1,000 times in a few weeks (yes overkill .. he was professing his love to me after 2 weeks so this red flag made me end it), he was usually the one asking to meet me and was very over the top about this also wanting to see me daily (and not even for sex always, a lot of the times he just wanted to talk or drive around with me and we would just kiss passionately like teenagers). There are so many other things that happened and how he acted towards me that I do not want to write out but the fact he put so much time and effort into me when he was supposed to be focussing on her is crazy. She is young and beautiful and I could never understand why someone who had something so good would act this way.

 

So in summary, yes I was an OW but ladies I apologize on behalf of all people who have done something like this and I know I will never act this way again. We do feel bad and remorseful. In this case I know he will continue to treat her like this .. and that is when I have trouble sleeping .

[SmokeRat]

People deserve to know the truth.

 

If you allow this innocent woman to go into a marriage, without knowing her soon to be husband is a POS, then you are just a low as he is.

 

Do what is right, and tell her. Provide her with evidence and leave it at that.

[HopingAgain]

I agree with SmokeRat. She deserves to know!

[TaraMaiden]

Better option:

 

Get your husband to tell her.

He doesn't have an agenda with her, and he has been in the position of 'hurt' to be able to equate with her emotions.

 

He can also explain he had a vested interest in reconciling with you - and you're not out of the woods yet - but she still has a change to throw the towel in before it's too late.

 

Would he agree to telling her?

Discuss (with him, I mean. Not us).

 

But that - if he were amenable - is how I see the better solution panning out.

[SmokeRat]

It's slightly odd that the thing that scared you away from this 'lover' of yours, wasn't the fact that he would cheat on his soon to wife, that he had horrible morals, values and ethics, but that he professed his love for you.

 

Sorry, I just wasn't aware that 'love' was the cut off point for an affair.

 

Now I know, and knowing is half the battle!

[TaraMaiden]

The BS is far more likely to respect the words and opinions of another BS.

 

If the OW approaches her, there could be vitriol, recriminations and all hell might break loose.

 

No, the best person is her H.

But he has to be in full agreement.

Even a tiny bit of coercion on the OP's part towards him, may be resented in future.....

[underwater2010]

Simply.....YES! She should be able to chose to marry a cheater or not.

[whichwayisup]

I struggled with this for 3 months knowing they are getting married in a few months. I am reconciling with my husband as that is what I have wanted to do since I ended the affair. I have told my husband everything and we are in counselling. In my case my husband knows the truth for my 2 month long affair so he was able to make his own decision to forgive me. She is in the dark.

Imagine your H...He has an A, it ends, you never find out but OW's fiancee finds out and ends their engagement and that's it. You never find out the truth, you get to stay married to someone who lied, betrayed and cheated on you, putting your health as well at risk. Wouldn't you want to know? ESPECIALLY if you were about to marry a guy that you think is a stand up, honest man who will take his vows seriously?

 

This woman will be devastated of course, but better for her to know than to marry him and he cheats on her later, or she finds out he cheated on her while engaged. your H knows, why shouldn't she?

[BetrayedH]

There are a lot of betrayed people here and I don't think any of us expected how much of an impact it would have on us. But I challenge you to find a betrayed spouse that wishes they didn't know. The fact is that we deserve to make informed decisions about how to move forward with our lives. You have an ethical choice before you. You can do the right thing by her when her fiance is not or you can turn away. The challenge isn't really about determining IF it is right; the challenge is finding the courage to do it.

[nofool4u]

My title says it all really. I am a former OW and have decided not to tell for a few reasons but I am open to criticism (I truly just do not want to cause any more hurt)

..

1. She might think I was doing it out of anger - in this case it definitely would not be as time has passed and I am not angry and truly feel bad for her

2. He may just tell her I'm crazy and deny deny (he already said we were just friends)

3. It is none of my business

4. I do not want to hurt her because she is madly in love with him

 

1. Doesn't matter, as long as she gets the information she deserves to have. If she gets mad after the fact, then you have done what you needed to do since its obvious her POS husband won't tell her.

 

2. Doesn't matter what he tells her, or even if she believes you. You did what needed to be done.

 

3. Its none of your business? Then why did you cheat with her fiance? Was that your business?

 

4. You already hurt her, whether she knows or not.

 

I struggled with this for 3 months knowing they are getting married in a few months. I am reconciling with my husband as that is what I have wanted to do since I ended the affair. I have told my husband everything and we are in counselling.

 

So your husband has the information he deserved to have, now the OM's poor wife needs to know so she knows just what she is married to and how to take charge of her life from there.

 

 

In my case my husband knows the truth for my 2 month long affair so he was able to make his own decision to forgive me. She is in the dark.

 

Exactly

 

She is young and beautiful and I could never understand why someone who had something so good would act this way.

 

He deserves to lose her so she can let a good man enjoy being with a sweet beautiful woman. That might happen, it might not. But it surely won't if she is kept in the dark.

 

Tell her.

[guilted]

I know this thread is old but I have to confess I did not tell her...yet. It has been too long since the affair was exposed (4 months ago) and I dont know her or anything about her life. But today I had a trigger on Facebook. A mutual friend that she had posted. I had never even seen her on FB before. I saw her profile pic of her and him from their engagement shoot (the shoot that he had the weekend after he had already given me his phone number...ugh what a pig!!). She looks so happy, hell he even looks happy! I dont want to ruin his life or her life. I really dont. But it angers me that he is living this great life with someone who he doesnt deserve because she doesnt know the truth. She is head over heels in love with this guy. To make matters worse I know he told her that we were just friends, that I wanted him but he stopped it. My first counsellor said he was a sociopath/narcissist. I didnt want to believe it then I looked it up. My second counsellor, without me saying what the first one said about the sociopath said the same thing after I told her the story. So then I really believed it. She said I was his target. I am a bit afraid of him to be honest. If I was to say anything now I feel he might come after me. He has already tried to make me look crazy to her which is farthest from the truth. I know I should just forget it .. it is not my life, I dont want him, I dont want revenge. I just know he is using this poor girl. This FB trigger really got to me. I had tried to bury this. He is a narcissist and unfortunately I cannot warn her because they are too good at lying.

[guilted]

In addition to above and my original post I guess I am looking for guidance to if I just let it go? Has anyone dealt with a narcissist before? At first I jut thought my counsellor misjudged him as a lot of affairs people exhibit narcissist traits but this has made me scared to tell her in case he is one.

[BetrayedH]

Stop thinking about the narcissist and think about the betrayed fiance who is about to make the worst decision of her life.

 

Even if you have no proof and he lies, at least infidelity will be on her radar. At that point you will have done what you could and can wash your hands of it.

[guilted]

But you knew that when you entered an affair with him. So what difference does it make to you now?

 

I didn't know he was using her when it started. I thought he was just looking for sex on the side. I was at a dark place in my life. I have never had an affair before. I didn't know men acted the way he acted with me. I thought he was using me not her. But I guess he was using us both for different reasons? Why do I care well because I'm a compassionate person. Maybe he does truly love her and I don't want to be the cause of ending a potentially great future marriage. I'm just very confused and guilty and sorry I thought someone might be able to help.

[BetrayedH]

Sharing the truth with her is a first step towards living a more honest and authentic life. It is far more rewarding than the fantastic distraction that is an affair.

 

The truth will help you and it will help her. It may even help him.

 

The other choice is to take this to the grave with you. When do you start to feel good about that? How is it working out for you so far? You are here because you are having a crisis of conscience. Go ahead and address it.

[meat department]

guilted I know how you feel. I found out the guy I was sleeping with was married. I found this out via social media. She seems nice and happy. I don't want to tell her. At all. I want to take this to my grave. BUT I can't. I have been thinking about this for two weeks now and the truth is this: She deserves to know and yes it sucks. It is also very scary to tell. The guy seems like he might make your life difficult so think of the easiest way to tell her. I suggest putting together a packet of information containing the evidence and mailing it to her office. Then block him from your life.

If you don't tell you will think about it forever and when this poor girl gets married, has a few kids and then finds out her husband is a cheater you will feel even worse. He will cheat on her for her entire marriage he can't even be faithful during the engagement process. She may not believe you and that is ok too at least you will be able to sleep at night knowing that the secret is out in the light and hopefully you will find peace.

[TaraMaiden]

Sometimes, sowing a small seed of doubt, is a whole lot better than keeping silent.

 

I would encourage an approach that asks her to conceal her sources, but one that means she can contact you at any time to seek clarification.

Be brutally honest and hold nothing back.

 

And tll her exactly WHY you feel she should know - because no matter what her opinion of you, no matter how much she may wish to not believe you, and no matter how much he may seek to deny it, you know what you are saying is true, and you would never forgive yourself it the worst-case scenario happened - and you had never said a word.

 

(worst-case scenario being her marrying him and bearing his children.)

Tell her that if she still wants to go ahead with that, but's her choice, you get it.

She can completely and totally disregard whatever you say to her, it's up to her.

But you now, at least, know you did the right thing.

 

And if you have just made her sit back and doubt - then, sad as you are to shatter her illusions, you would much rather it happened now than when it's too late.

[2sure]

My xH and I were madly love when we married. When we were dating , I did have some misgivings about his contact with old girlfriends. I didn't feel threatened and he assured me he wasn't initiating and that it would stop. Seemed like it did too. About four months after our wedding day I found out he had been cheating. We went to MC. We reconciled. 2 years later I found out he was a serial cheater and had cheated since before our marriage. He had a problem that he thought he could stop when he married me...but couldn't or wouldn't.

 

I changed mine and my daughters life to be with this man.

 

Give her a heads up, whatever the cost. She might marry him anyway but when her gut starts telling her something is very wrong, he won't be able to convince her she is crazy. Tell her. Please.

[Artie Lang]

i don't think she'd be very receptive with the information coming from the OW. i do believe she has a right to know her courting has been a sham before she gets married.

 

maybe you can send her an anonymous letter detailing the affair.

[ascendotum]

The BS is far more likely to respect the words and opinions of another BS.

 

If the OW approaches her, there could be vitriol, recriminations and all hell might break loose.

 

No, the best person is her H.

But he has to be in full agreement.

Even a tiny bit of coercion on the OP's part towards him, may be resented in future.....

 

I tend to agree with this post as well. I really don't think its right of the OW/OM to rat out their lover...even though it leaves their lover's partner in the dark as to their bf/gf's shady character. If the OW/OM went into an affair knowing their lover is not single, then imo anyway I don't consider them much above the moral level of the cheating partner. I think it is a bit of a cheek to happily engage in an illicit affair and then to squeal on them for having sex with you when you fall out with them. You helped to betray this other woman by ****ing her man behind her back, and now you want to clear your conscience to her and betray your lover. In the end you are doing her a favor my revealing the true nature of her bf, but its kind of like scamming someone and then informing them, and saying they hope they learned a lesson from this to be more careful about trusting people (but they keep your $).

 

In saying that I have to admit I would want to know if my gf was cheating on me. Even though ignorance is bliss I still would hate to be played a chump. There are no rules in matters such as this, but I think it should be up to your husband.

 

* I am making the assumption here that you knew he was married. My stance is different if you thought he was single when you engaged in your relationship with him. Then I don't think there is anything wrong with you informing his fiance, or maybe indirectly planting some doubts in her mind about him. Having your H visit her (on his own free will) I think would be better though.

Edited April 19, 2013 by ascendotum

[Keke1]

I'm of the mindset that OP is not over the guy.

[chucksagent]

OP - Ruin her life??? Are you INSANE!?!? NOT TELLING her is going to ruin her life!!!!!!!! Jesus!!! What is wrong with you???

 

Tell her now - avoid the wedding, avoid kids, avoid mutual property, avoid FUTURE affair, avoid her wasting her time being moral and loyal while he's out having fun, I mean seriously??? Come on now!

 

Drop what you are doing right when you finish reading this AND TELL HER. Make sure you have texts or proof because she might be deny it because of a natural defense mechanism. If you deleted the texts, you may wanna consider trapping him by saying "I miss you and would like to see you." JUST to get the little rat ready for slaughter.

 

DO NOT let this jerk ruin a life 5-10 years from now. She will be hurt and upset now, but she will get over it. You let her get pregnant and in debt with him and add MORE time together, it'll be WAY worse...and him showing no remorse SHOWS he will cheat again.

 

Do you want that blood on your hands?