Are EMA's a true addiction?

[thefooloftheyear]

In reality

 

Is there any reason that the AP has less of a chance as anyone off the street does as being "the one"? I would think not. I might bet that the probablility is no better or no worse than any other person has...

 

TFOY

[threelaurels]

I think it's more likely that true compatibility can emerge in such a situation. Elsewhere in another thread someone described dating as recruitment, and I think there is a lot of truth in that, with people trying to impress each other and convince the other that they are the right one for the job.

 

In an A, there is no "job" to convince someone you're right for, so no need to twist yourself into a pretzel to impress. You can just be yourself in a low-stakes situation and if the comparability leaps out at you you can recognise it and decide whether to do something about it or not.

 

I think As are far too reality-grounded to generate the kind of fantasy bubble that a true romance addict would go for.

 

Two questions:

1. I don't understand the job analogy. Aren't OP who want the MP to leave the BS under the constant pressure of having to show the MP that they are more worthy of being the primary relationship? In essence, they are both competing for the job of being the primary/only partner, only the BS does not know that this job even exists. Doesn't the fact that the OP knows there is another candidate for the job heighten the OP's competitiveness? All this is assuming the OP wants the MP to leave the BS.

 

2. How can affair be grounded in reality when the MP and the OP do not live together? They have not undergone the stresses that non-affair relationships have together, such as financial problems or the normal problems that arise with raising a family.

[Quiet Storm]

I think it feels like an addiction for so many because of intermittent reinforcement.

 

It's basically the same premise casinos use to keep you gambling. You put $100 in the slots and feel all depressed, and then win $40 and jump for joy. Yay! Then the let down comes, the disappointment. You know you still have less than you came with. So you spend more, and then lose more. Then you hit for $20, and you are a winner again!!! (except you really lost, you know)

 

The feelings that came from continuing to lose, and the relief at finally winning, is addictive.

 

You end up tolerating the negative, because you want to be rewarded with the positive.

 

Most affairs seem to have a similar dynamic.

 

It seems that when the affair couple is apart, there is anticipation, waiting, missing, longing. This is the part when you are putting money in the slots, pulling the lever, waiting, wishing, anticipating...

 

Then when the affair partners finally see each other, it's awesome. They feel content, happy, joyful, excited. Relief! This is the reward.

 

The wait is what makes the affair feel so much more special. The period of losing is what makes a gambler's measly win feel so great.

 

Then you have the let down, the feelings of disappointment, the withdrawal. Then comes the anticpation, and finally the reward of seeing him again.

 

Before you know it you're feeling happy with "crumbs" because that interrmittent reinforcement tricks your brain into believing that you must tolerate the negative, in order to get your reward in the end.

 

It's not a healthy routine. Gamblers usually end up broke. OW usually end up heartbroke.

Edited March 27, 2013 by Quiet Storm

[jlola]

There has to be a high perception that the risk of the affairs is worth whatever downfalls happen. To risk losing marriage, seeing your kids everyday,losing their respect, the respect of others,reputation,finance for anything is questionable.

 

I keep asking over agin. Why not simply get a divorce if you are willing to risk so much? At least you leave with dignity.

 

 

As for people who are in affairs and introduced to family members and friends. I wonder if it is the first time around the block for the married person . My culture had made it ok for men to have mistresses. So it was accepted when family members knew. But kept hush hush to wife.But most cultures are not like that and affairs are taboo. i think it takes a lot of guts to introduce affair partners unless you already know some of those folks are ok with it and your secret will be safe. but how do you know??

 

As for my uncle's mistresses some we even had to call aunt. But I doubt they ever really knew the reality of these men. A man who will let his friends and family(not while separated, but married) meet the mistress is a man who lives in his own selfish universe. Yes, all my uncles ere very selfish and entitled. raised in a culture where men are men no matter if they behave like perpetual little boys and women better stay home and be faithful.

[jlola]

Would you not say the same about addiction? No matter how low your actions make you feel, no matter who you are hurting you continue. Why? Because addicts do not think about consequences. They are too focused on getting the next feel good shot. Their children suffer,their finances suffer but they have little self control.

 

I know people who are divorced and hen dating make sure to know the person well before introducing them to their children. Then they make sure the person is very much liked by their kids.

 

If a person is really serious about their AP they are not putting much thought into their future.

 

Why not leave the marriage that is so bad and then have AP wait if it is true love. Otherwise if they are waiting for a DDay for the affair to be exposed it will get ugly. If the kids find out, it is a guarantee there will be animosity towards OW or OM.

 

It's excuse, after excuse, after excuse why the WS cannot leave the marriage he is unhappy in with dignity. No, find an affair partner and Blow the marriage up! Then when you have humiliated the spouse and kids to the point they cannot take it anymore, then they either tell you to leave or you leave. What sense does that make? Does it get any uglier?

Edited March 27, 2013 by jlola

[thefooloftheyear]

Would you not say the same about addiction? No matter how low your actions make you feel, no matter who you are hurting you continue. Why? Because addicts do not think about consequences. They are too focused on getting the next feel good shot. Their children suffer,their finances suffer but they have little self control.

 

I know people who are divorced and hen dating make sure to know the person well before introducing them to their children. Then they make sure the person is very much liked by their kids.

 

If a person is really serious about their AP they are not putting much thought into their future.

 

Why not leave the marriage that is so bad and then have AP wait if it is true love. Otherwise if they are waiting for a DDay for the affair to be exposed it will get ugly. If the kids find out, it is a guarantee there will be animosity towards OW or OM.

 

It's excuse, after excuse, after excuse why the WS cannot leave the marriage he is unhappy in with dignity. No, find an affair partner and Blow the marriage up! Then when you have humiliated the spouse and kids to the point they cannot take it anymore, then they either tell you to leave or you leave. What sense does that make? Does it get any uglier?

 

 

Good point

 

Actually the scenario you posed is exactly what happened to a friend of mine. He got involved in an affair. When the two thought things were getting serious, they made an agreement to no longer see each other until he was free of the marriage-plus some time. I dont know the exact time frame, but I think it was around 6 months after the signing of the divorce papers. They did secretly communicate during this time, but no actual contact.

 

They have been together now for many years and seem very happy. I know his ex wife too and while she wasnt crazy about it initially, eventually she came around and they actually were all together at Christmas with no punches thrown....

 

TFOY

[MissBee]

 

I don't believe in the whole "soulmate" thing, but I do think.. that in some cases people are compatible simply because they wouldn't be willing to take the risks if they weren't. Why would you risk everything for someone who there wasn't "something" there with.

(not to say all relationships are like that... but it's a valid perspective as well)

 

Compatibility and soulmates are very different.

 

We are fairly compatible with many people, even the spouse you married and are now cheating on for WS's, you were compatible with them, so those who do use the idea of soulmates, I wonder why? How likely is it that all these people who are cheating with their new soulmate AP, in fact are simply caught up in new attraction, with simply another person they are compatible with? I think for many, that's the case.

 

I do think "something" is there. But that something is often made out to be "soulmates" or the "greatest love" sometimes when it is often simply finding a new person with whom you could also be compatible...and they are often not the last person either whom you could feel that way about. Because there is no "one", I do think it is possible to meet several people you would do well with, so meeting such a person(while married) and then claiming soulmates might be the problem. It's not that you married the "wrong person" or this person is more perfect...but they are often new and you're attracted to them and are compatible to some degree.

 

I think like some affairs may be deeper, also some really aren't that deep and people simply follow their lust, their loneliness, their dissatisfaction, poor boundaries etc. and many aren't even thinking it is a risk because they compartmentalize so much and believe they will never get caught.

[MissBee]

I think it's more likely that true compatibility can emerge in such a situation. Elsewhere in another thread someone described dating as recruitment, and I think there is a lot of truth in that, with people trying to impress each other and convince the other that they are the right one for the job.

 

In an A, there is no "job" to convince someone you're right for, so no need to twist yourself into a pretzel to impress. You can just be yourself in a low-stakes situation and if the comparability leaps out at you you can recognise it and decide whether to do something about it or not.

 

I think As are far too reality-grounded to generate the kind of fantasy bubble that a true romance addict would go for.

 

You can only speak for yourself cocorico because for many people, if you read around this board, that wasn't their experience.

 

Many OW do the same things they would in dating a single man, preening and putting their best foot forward. I did. My dating of a taken man had the same period of trying to impress before you got more comfortable, as it did with a single man. We didn't just start out at this level of comfort and all defenses down.

 

And let's not forget the MP who do the same or even go out of their way to distort their married lives in order to attract their AP or keep the situation going. My dad's OW for example always have some report about him that is the totally fake, public him, and is not at all the private him that his family whom he has no need to impress see. They always talk about him in GLOWING terms, which is the glowing terms people use when they don't know someone well enough to know their faults.

 

I think MANY would disagree that in their A it was low-stakes and they didn't have to impress and as for job they are trying out for? LOL! Welll many many APs are indeed trying out for the job of permanent partner, some admit it and some don't. An A has dynamics that make it different from out in the open, single people dating honestly....but as far as it goes with people meeting a love/lust interest and that game...it often works pretty much the same.

[stevie_23]

Well, since Serotonin and Oxytocin are released into the system during the "romance" stage, and A's rarely leave that stage due to their clandestine nature, it IS like someone on drugs. The drug of choice is just natural drugs already found in one's system that are released with that rush of the feelings of lust.

 

I agree with this, and then on top of that you add the fact that for a person to have an affair (this applies to married APs only, as a single OW or OM is in a "normal" relationship to an extent, at their end anyway), they're most likely not the happiest within their own selves or with their lives or their marriages, and so...to feel those good chemicals and to receive that positive external validation (in Pierre-speak), it's even MORE addictive. Sometimes it can be seen as the best part of their life, or being with the AP is the best part of their day, if a lot of other things aren't so good.

[LDR]

I think they are extremely addictive, specially if it is only emotional and not physical. You create this fantasy, plus the desire building up for it to become physical. You idealize the relationship.

[BrokenPrincess]

I think I am understanding this concept now. XMM sent me a one sentence email yesterday (we last talked 4 days ago), and I felt like it wasnt enough. I write him back and now it's been almost 24hours with no reply. And I feel sick and anxious and insecure and paranoid. Felt a clenching of anticipation checking it this morning, then SUCH an extreme letdown to find nothing.

 

It feels like in going crazy, obsessing about why he's not writing back and when I might (if ever) hear from him again. My stomach is in knots and I can't think of anything except this damn email (or lack thereof) and what it all means.

 

I just want him to reply with hopefully something normal and lighthearted and I can literally visualize the relief it will give me.

 

In the meantime, keep trying to straighten my head out and calm down, but nothing seems to be working. Feels like I'm going crazy. Thank god I never tried drugs.