16 years, infidelity, how to cope

[liz57]

New to forums, not even sure i have the right place to post, but will give it a try and if i'm not in the right place, I figure someone will say so. Long story short, my husband (married 13 yrs, together 16 yrs), 1 child, has been having a 3-yr affair. I found out from one of his family members. All of his family and friends have known for 3 yrs, parents, brother, everyone...but me. Once confronted and I said "it's over", he had a breakthrough I guess and decided he didn't want to lose me and his child. Long story short, he has been a completely different person recently, like he was many yrs ago, kind, loving and sincere....I want to believe him and I do. I have forgiven, but will never forget. I am appalled that his friends and family have known and joined us for holidays and bdays and no one has told me. He ended it with other woman and she was devastated, but i'm sure not nearly as i was after 16 yrs. How do people stay positive, move on and make a marriage work? As mentioned, forums is new to me and infidelity is new to me. I love my husband and I'm just trying to cope.

[liz57]

It took me a few minutes to figure out how to reply, hope I am doing it right! I found out Fri, 4 days ago. It's all new, we have spent about 10 hrs talking and he has said it's the first time (Fri, when I found out and confronted him) that he realized it was me he wanted to be with and yesterday he ended it with the other. I don't know what a lot of the abbreviations mean here (yet), so bare with me. Oh, and thank you for being supportive, very kind. As soon as I found out, my 3 sisters and mother came to my home and talked and made me laugh, it felt great. It's basically the after effect and me trying to move on. I believe he's being genuine, but there's always going to be a doubt. And, thanks for the info on eating cake, nothing surprises me.

[liz57]

I am a forgiving person by nature, and of course it's so new I'm not entirely sure how I feel, except that I feel betrayed by him and his family. I guess since he and I have spent so many hrs talking, and he has told me things I haven't heard in yrs, since we have been so distant, it makes it easy (easier) than just throwing in the towel. We have a 10 yr old boy he thinks the world of him and I can't see giving up if he's giving 150% and making an effort. He said last night since I've been lonely (even when he's at home sitting in the same room) "If you ever feel lonely while being with me I'm not doing my job as a good husband", "I will tell you I'm sorry every day" "I never want to be without you" etc. But in my mind, why would someone do something so hurtful knowing they could lose their spouse and family. The other party is also a friend of my husband's sister in law (brothers wife) and invited to their kids bdays, etc, knowing of all this. No cheating in his family, his parents have been married 30-40 yrs.

[liz57]

curious..are you still with your husband? do you have kids? are you still feeling anger? how long has it been since you went through this?

[liz57]

I do forgive as I believe we are all human and make mistakes. I've made mistakes, nothing related to infidelity, but mistakes and I think everyone is allowed to make mistakes and if they are remorseful and know they've done wrong, forgiveness is easy. To answer your question re: OW is a friend of the family, yes. They haven't all gone out together as far as I know, but she's been invited to kids bdays, etc and visits family, etc. And, yes the familyhas allowed this. I feel humiliated they've known. I do not want a relationship with his family right now, or ever. Yes, my husband was the one who created the mess, but the fact that everyone in his family knew and has come to my home with gifts for holidays and bdays, dinners, etc and never let me know is disrespecful. I come from a different type of family than his. My family is very open, honest, confrontational, his family is 'stepford', controlling, 50s style. My mother would never have allowed me to have a 3 yr affair all while having my husband and child over for holidays, visits, dinners, etc. My family is very "speak the truth" people and this wouldn't have been tolerated. My parents and siblings would have ratted on me for the sake of honesty and respect. That's it in a nutshell. Sorry to hear about your problem. You seem to be doing well and have a good head on your shoulders.

[liz57]

Yes, my H is aware of my feelings about his family. He said he feels bad since he created it. He is very supportive. I am calm because I have to be for myself and our son. I am a strong woman and I figure life is too short to hold so much stress in. Plus, I have a very supportive family (lots of sisters and a strong mom). Yes, 3 yrs is a long mistake, but I know that since my H works 15-17 hrs/day in the woods (which I know for certain), he has had very limited time with the other one (OW?) Mostly by phone during work and not many in person communications. I do believe it's over; however, I will certainly be more in tuned with everything now.

 

My family loves my H, like a son. They forgive him and only want him to treat me right. Yes, they are upset, my sisters and mom dropped everything the other night and came over. We all stick together and are there for each other, which helps a lot with problems in life.

 

As much as it's hard to get all of it out of my mind, I'm talking with my H each time I am upset and he keeps assuring me that "we will make it work together".....Thanks so much for all of your communications. It made my day!

[HampdenMom]

just be very careful, and make sure you and your child come first. Hopefully you can put this behind you and he'll turn over a new leaf. But, now that you know that your husband, all his family and friends will lie to you - it might be time to start cultivating friendships with people you can trust. Whether or not you are able to ever trust your husband again, only time will tell.

[Decorative]

I'm sorry this happened to you.

 

My spouse had a three year affair, too. And my inlaws knew and lied to me about it.

 

Kind of a similar situation.

 

I have zero contact with my inlaws now, as do my children. my spouse occasionally sees them briefly for a business matter.

 

They are not friends of our marriage, and not in our lives.

 

On average- it takes 3-5 years to recover from infidelity. My spouse and I are happily recovered now. But it was a huge amount of work.

 

It takes a huge amount of work, transparency from the spouse who was wayward, and no contact established with the affair partner.

 

A great resource to explain the mechanics of what happened and what will help move forward is called Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass.

[TaraMaiden]

Just a word of warning Liz.... if you hadn't found out from a family member that this was going on - he would still be having the affair.

 

He stopped because apparently he came to his senses, and realised he couldn't live without you.

Why then, did he not come to his senses, earlier, and not make it last 3 years?

 

because it was discovery and exposure that did that.

Not confession and his ending it of his own volition.

 

Had his affair not been revealed - she would still be his mistress.

 

Remember this.

 

Were you told 'accidentally'? Or could this family member not contain themselves any longer?

[Decorative]

Also-

If the OW is married, her spouse needs to be told. And if not her spouse, her family. Especially if your families are intertwined.

 

Daylight ends secrets.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

4 days is really quick to forgive someone for 3 days of cheating. Are you in a bit of shock? I was lost for a few days, and then as things kept hitting me I would get more and more upset. At the end of the week I threw him out. It gets worse and worse, and then better.

 

I really hope I'm wrong and that this is as upset as you'll get, but that would be a first. Just be ready for some really upsetting memories to hit you - lies he told, things he said, etc.

 

I'm still stunned that his family knew and just didn't care at all. Are there a lot of cheaters in his family? I'm surprised they all acted like it was perfectly normal and not one of them told you.

 

^^ Agreed.

 

liz57,

 

There's Grace and then there's Cheap Grace. I hope that you are not offering him Cheap Grace. A 3 year affair is no "mistake". It takes an effort and careful planning to have a side piece for three years. That's a LOT of lying and deception.

 

If your husband cheating on you for 3 years while his entire family is complicit doesn't make you angry, then I guess nothing will.

 

At this point I'll just assume that you are still in shock and denial. That's very normal. Reaching the "Acceptance" stage of grief in 4 days is hard for some of us to accept. Acceptance comes along, if it comes at all, much further down the road.

 

I'm glad that you have the support of your family. Best of luck.

[Athens]

Forgiveness looks and feels different to everyone. I, too, forgave quickly as in I knew immediately I wanted to save our marriage and be with him for life, so forgiving was easy. Trusting, understanding, accepting...those are the things I work on daily. It's easy to forgive the one you love..the rest is the hard part. I have learned a lot about me, our marriage and him in the three months since I found out. He has been great about being really open and honest....I think the hardest part was learning that he really did use her to fill a gap in his life and at the end of the day did not care for her at all. Although you would think that would make me feel good, it does not. No one wants to know how truly unkind someone else can be, especially your husband. To watch him come to the realization that he just "needed someone willing to let me throw them around a hotel room while having sex" was a side of him neither of us wanted to know was there. His low self esteem meant he was able to use someone like that and even make her believe she meant something and was a good friend to him when in the end she was a victim of his unstable state. He has a long way to go to be able to look himself in the mirror but he is trying. Our marriage is on the mend and we work on it daily. I wish you the best of luck, heal on your own terms...if it makes you feel good, do it...no matter what any book tells you...find yourself and your own path to healing...

[liz57]

I was told maliciously in an email that since the sister in law and I don't really get along, this was her way of pushing the knife in I guess. My H would likely still be having an affair if I didn't receive the email. Yes, I will attempt to find friends I can trust, but I'm not really a socialite; I'm more of a home body with my son and work. I will definitely try new avenues of friendships and look for the book(s) recommended. The OW is separated, not divorced with 2 older children (although the OW and I are the same age). Is it ever a good idea to contact the OW? Just to make it clear? Wow, you are all right on with the early fogiveness and maybe I'm still in shock since it's so recent. I will really think hard about these posts. Thank you

[Decorative]

My inlaws were the same way and now they are history. They had the mindset that since I wasn't their family they owed me no loyalty. Now I owe them none and they will not be a part of my children's lives either.

 

Absolutely.

 

They didn't understand what they did wrong. They had the OW in their house. They entertained her. And when I asked for help- they threw money at me ( which I didn't need or ask for) and lied.

 

I guess they thought they could buy me off.

 

Or something.

 

Grrrrr.

[Athens]

You need to concentrate on you and do things for you. I dropped a ton of weight due to stress through this-when I went to get new clothes I opted for more form fitting stuff-my H said "you do not need to change for me" when I told him it was for me, not him, he was taken aback a bit. The realization that positive changes I have made are for me, not him made him understand I am in control of my life now-

[liz57]

To seethingandsmiling: The sister in law is out of my life and I have also made the decision for all of his family and friends who knew are out of my life and our son's lives. My H can't discard his brother as he works for him. I've wanted him out of that job for 15 yrs, but he loves the job. I hope that changes as I can't take the disrespect they have caused me, not just recently but for 16 yrs. As far as the forgiveness thing, I am angrier each day, more today than yesterday. So, it may very well be that I'm confused since I'm not sleeping or eating the way I should be and up and down through the day and night. One minute I think all will be ok and his promises will be true, and 5 min later I'm thinking what a crock of s***! I am not one to keep things inside so I let my H know of my feelings and he tells me he's sorry, we can work it out and he understands if I don't want to be with him, etc. I still stand by my earlier statement that I believe we are all human and make mistakes and I think people deserve second chances, but a 3 yr affair on your wife of 16 yrs is more than a mistake in my mind, which is why I continue to flip flop on my emotions. I think I should have taken more time to determine what I wanted and I just may do so as that is what my intuitions are telling me. I'm still trying to figure it all out.