Scary terrain... FWB gone awry

[sweetheart5381]

Got a strange situation, not sure how to handle it.

 

Lil background, I'm 38, he's 48. Doesn't seem to matter, Rich and I connect in a really strange, yet awesome way. He is my ex's (ex is "J") friend, they still hang out a fair bit and we are all co-workers, though we don't all have to deal with one another on a daily basis. No drama, we just deal with it.

 

Here is the dilemma. R and I were having sex and getting close about 6 months ago and it got too heavy so we called it quits for the time being. It was too intense so we just left it as, "We just shouldn't do this (referring to sex) right now.")

 

We are friends and he is back now, and is different. He does weird stuff, like having me over, having me stay overnight, asking me if I want coffee and breakfast when he goes out for it and takes my dog with him too.

 

He is completely different now and I don't know why. He is even acting jealous around other men, he never did that before...

 

Help, I dunno if he wants me or if he is playing a game???

[CC12]

He does weird stuff, like having me over, having me stay overnight, asking me if I want coffee and breakfast when he goes out for it and takes my dog with him too.

 

So...he's taking you out on dates, then? I would guess he has feelings for you and is trying to establish a closer relationship. Does he flirt with you?

 

Are you sleeping with him?

[pcplod]

I guess you are going to have to have a gentle, diplomatic chat with him, in order to clear the air. There aren't that many other realistic options, is there? If you feel that either you or he can't deal with it adequately in those terms then you will have to walk away. It may mean that he wants something different from the relationship from you but won't come straight out with it. That is simply untenable. Period.

[sweetheart5381]

So...he's taking you out on dates, then? I would guess he has feelings for you and is trying to establish a closer relationship. Does he flirt with you?

 

Are you sleeping with him?

 

We both talked about it and agreed back in November that having sex was not for the best atm. In his words, he stated that he didn't like that I was "disappointed" when he couldn't see me (I was a bitch about it, assuming he was just playing me) and he felt bad when he didn't deliver, so to speak. We stopped having sex immediately but were still great friends. I respected what he told me and understand now that I put him under a fair bit of pressure.

 

He has since taken the lead and wanted us to hang out. He made all the moves, I just went with the flow last weekend and yes we had sex. Not like before (hooking up). He made my dog at home, gave her pillows and just assumed we would stay together for the night. We actually had sex AND slept together.

 

We've been flirty and friendly the last few months, but I didn't expect such a change in him. We exchange long looks now. He makes his presence known to other predator males and makes it clear that he is a part of my life and will interrupt other males that are chatting with me just to make it clear (in a completely innocent way of course). He tells me where he is going and stuff... its just really odd.

 

Still confused!

[sweetheart5381]

I guess you are going to have to have a gentle, diplomatic chat with him, in order to clear the air. There aren't that many other realistic options, is there? If you feel that either you or he can't deal with it adequately in those terms then you will have to walk away. It may mean that he wants something different from the relationship from you but won't come straight out with it. That is simply untenable. Period.

 

Thanks, much appreciated.

 

Hard to walk away when a friendship is at stake. I feel that maybe the relationship has crossed a boundary that we are both happy with, yet confused with too.

 

We have both been single a long time and know the games that people play. We both admittedly don't trust easily and thus have a hard time putting the cards on the table so to speak.

 

Time will tell, but your insight is appreciated. I'd give the same advice too... if I could be completely objective When feeling are involved, the water gets muddy very fast.

[Emmii]

I think you should speak to him about what's happened with the sudden change in behavior. What do you want? How do you feel about him? I don't think his playing you. Some men aren't good with emotions. When we get a little to close they back off and run. But luckily his released that his got a good thing here and doesn't wanna lose it. His just gotta admit his feelings to you.

[sweetheart5381]

I think you should speak to him about what's happened with the sudden change in behavior. What do you want? How do you feel about him? I don't think his playing you. Some men aren't good with emotions. When we get a little to close they back off and run. But luckily his released that his got a good thing here and doesn't wanna lose it. His just gotta admit his feelings to you.

 

Thanks Emmii

 

Truth is, I don't really know what I want... I am very independent and like my freedom. I don't like relationships that get so serious that each partner feels that they "own" the other. He feels very much the same, we have discussed it in the past and are on the same page in that way.

 

I care deeply for him and am very sexually attracted to him as well. I think we are a great match in most aspects, however I am a little bit scared to have the "where is this going" talk without coming off as wanting a serious relationship. On the other hand, I don't want to completely fall in love with him, only to learn that he was just looking for a comfy "f*ck" buddy to pass the time.

[Emmii]

I understand how you feel as I'm in a similar boat to yours. I don't know if you've read my post. The other thing I can suggest is play it by ear. Be patient and see what happens. I know it's hard as I don't do emotional attachments either. Let him open up to you then. It seems like his guard is coming down. Sometimes you've gotta take the risk in life.

[sweetheart5381]

I understand how you feel as I'm in a similar boat to yours. I don't know if you've read my post. The other thing I can suggest is play it by ear. Be patient and see what happens. I know it's hard as I don't do emotional attachments either. Let him open up to you then. It seems like his guard is coming down. Sometimes you've gotta take the risk in life.

 

Thanks, and yes I read your post and can identify with your situation as well. Sex and relationships often seem to be a very complex dance on a field of landmines.

 

I like your advice, to just be patient and ride it out. Sooner or later he will make clear what his intentions are and then I will have to decide how far I'm willing to go. Ball is in his court

[Emmii]

That's it!! You'll be fine.Like they say everything happens for a reason. Have a good think about what you want. The ball is in his court. I'm sure deep down he knows what a great thing you guys have. Just time will tell. As to my situation I don't know if you've read my reply to you? I'm so confused by the whole thing that I'm questioning myself.

[sweetheart5381]

That's it!! You'll be fine.Like they say everything happens for a reason. Have a good think about what you want. The ball is in his court. I'm sure deep down he knows what a great thing you guys have. Just time will tell. As to my situation I don't know if you've read my reply to you? I'm so confused by the whole thing that I'm questioning myself.

 

Well, I did it. I put my cards on the table and confessed to him that I have strong romantic feelings for him and can no longer do "just sex". I told him the feelings are very scary and I apologized for getting emotionally involved. I did this through text as he is out of town for Easter. He responded that he understands my position and we will talk about it when he gets home (he was just leaving, it's an 8 hr drive home).

 

I feel a little silly for pushing the envelope, but I really hate not knowing his intentions. One way or the other I have to know if it's ok to keep falling for him or cut the ties and move on.

[Emmii]

Well done for putting your cards on the table dont feel silly for pushing the envelope. It takes guts and you should feel better for it. The ball is in his court I'm sure he's feeling the way. I do hope things workout! Men just as scared of confessing there feelings just in case things don't workout or that you don't feel the same way. Unfortunately I wish I could say the same for me.

[sweetheart5381]

Well done for putting your cards on the table dont feel silly for pushing the envelope. It takes guts and you should feel better for it. The ball is in his court I'm sure he's feeling the way. I do hope things workout! Men just as scared of confessing there feelings just in case things don't workout or that you don't feel the same way. Unfortunately I wish I could say the same for me.

 

Thanks Emmii Truth be told, I don't really think he and I have a lot to talk about now, unless he wants to continue because he has feelings too. In his text he said he "understands, and I tried to tell you this would happen." (referring to previous conversation months ago we had about emotions getting involved). He is very mature about this stuff and a gentleman. I guess what I don't understand is why he would re-ignite a flame knowing I had feelings for him months ago. It makes no sense why he would cool the sexual part, focus on the friendship and then pursue me again. Maybe for an ego boost, but he doesn't seem the type to do that.

[Emmii]

Thanks Emmii Truth be told, I don't really think he and I have a lot to talk about now, unless he wants to continue because he has feelings too. In his text he said he "understands, and I tried to tell you this would happen." (referring to previous conversation months ago we had about emotions getting involved). He is very mature about this stuff and a gentleman. I guess what I don't understand is why he would re-ignite a flame knowing I had feelings for him months ago. It makes no sense why he would cool the sexual part, focus on the friendship and then pursue me again. Maybe for an ego boost, but he doesn't seem the type to do that.

 

Sometimes men forget what it was about the person that first caught their eye. Were you good friends before all this happened? maybe he misses the friendship aspect of it. As much as men do think about sex most of the time I think they are more emotional than us women. There's more to it than just sex. I doubt its an ego boast as he doesn't come across like that. I think men get confused by what they really want and how they feel.

[sweetheart5381]

Sometimes men forget what it was about the person that first caught their eye. Were you good friends before all this happened? maybe he misses the friendship aspect of it. As much as men do think about sex most of the time I think they are more emotional than us women. There's more to it than just sex. I doubt its an ego boast as he doesn't come across like that. I think men get confused by what they really want and how they feel.

 

Well, it's a lil complicated. He and I met around the same time I met my ex J (at work when I first started there 2.5 ys ago and they are very good friends). I was attracted to him ®, but really shy and I didn't know he was best friends with the ex at the time. The ex (a self-proclaimed player) pursued me for months and I finally caved in and went out with him, still not knowing R was his best friend til J introduced us. R and I were friends but never flirted out of respect for J.

 

Fast forward, J and I break up and I get closer to R at work. He invites me for drinks, helped me with anything I needed, etc. The attraction becomes evident with one another and we eventually started hanging out as friends and hooking up secretly last summer. I didn't want R and J have any probs so I was fine with keeping it quiet, especially because we all work together.

 

I know, it sounds complicated and it is... office politics, R and J being good friends, its like a damn soap opera! I hate drama to boot. Why does romantic stuff have to be so hard?!

[Emmii]

Because it wouldn't be fun. Life would be so boring if there wasn't any complications and excitement. It's part and parcel of life. I can understand why you feel the way you do. I'm a private person too.