3 years since girlfriend Cheated

[tatare]

My girlfriend of three years at the time cheated on me for around a week. We had moved to another city and she started school and cheated on me. Our relationship was far from perfect, I was unemployed and was taken out my frustrations on her and was just simply annoyed at my life. She snuck around and cheated on me.

The way I found out was one of her friends asking about her and when I told her what my girlfriend had told me where she was, it did not add up. I confronted her, and she fessed up. I was distraught, I had moved to a new city for her, didn't have a job, nor a place to stay. I kicked her out of the house and she begged me to stay, after a couple of days, I left the house and stayed with a friend of mine. She, in the meantime, broke of all contact with the other person, and pretty much dedicated her time to win me back, and quite frankly hasn't stopped since.

 

I haven't been able to let it go, it can still ruin my day. She has done just about everything to reassure me. In the months afterwards, she would always text me her whereabouts, what she will be doing, where she will be, coming home at the right time. I had my suspicions during that week, especially since I was unemployed. She was right in saying that I wasn't in the relationship, I stopped touching her and just didn't find her overall appealing anymore, but couldn't believe she would do that. I still can't believe she could do that. It's been three years now, and I still get angry, still get emotional and although it happens once a month, once every two months, I do wonder if I should start all over. I wanted to propose after 5 years initially, but now I just don't see it happening. I sometimes look at other women and wonder, what if I cheated, or what if I started dating one of them. I am 29 years old, and she makes all the money in the relationship, and I struggled to get a job for awhile, mainly because I left my field to move for her.

 

I know that I am unhappy at my own career, and also blame her for my career. On most days, I am happy to be with her, happy to be in this relationship, but it is on days like this, where I am reminded of the whole thing, that I don't know what to do with her and to do with our relationship.

[toddles92]

I'm sorry for saying this, but you shouldn't be struggling in a relationship with her because you just shouldn't be with her. There is no excuse for cheating.

 

I've had a lot of rough times with my partner, he's gone through stages where he's been unemployed and taken things out on my (and no, not physically), and to be honest our sexual interactions became few and far between, but I always stuck with him through it, I remained faithful because I LOVE HIM. If she loved you the way you do her, she never would have cheated.

 

When you moved to a new city with her where you obviously didn't have a job waiting, she should have expected a level of frustration from you, and she should have been prepared to help you through that, but instead she had a fling with another man. And it wasn't just one night where she got pissed and ended up in someone's bed (which is still inexcusable anyway), but she continued it for a week, and probably would have for longer if you hadn't figured it out.

 

Also I'm sorry, but what's to say it won't happen again if you hit another rough patch.

There's no excuse for cheating.

[AverageCat]

I'm sorry for saying this, but you shouldn't be struggling in a relationship with her because you just shouldn't be with her. There is no excuse for cheating.

 

I've had a lot of rough times with my partner, he's gone through stages where he's been unemployed and taken things out on my (and no, not physically), and to be honest our sexual interactions became few and far between, but I always stuck with him through it, I remained faithful because I LOVE HIM. If she loved you the way you do her, she never would have cheated.

 

When you moved to a new city with her where you obviously didn't have a job waiting, she should have expected a level of frustration from you, and she should have been prepared to help you through that, but instead she had a fling with another man. And it wasn't just one night where she got pissed and ended up in someone's bed (which is still inexcusable anyway), but she continued it for a week, and probably would have for longer if you hadn't figured it out.

 

Also I'm sorry, but what's to say it won't happen again if you hit another rough patch.

There's no excuse for cheating.

 

THIS

 

Whenever I hear of someone cheating I kind of get disgusted and I think you should break up ASAP. No excuse.

 

And it's not even the act of betrayal or disrespect... What I find worst is that this person has no core values and can't stick up for something s/he believes in during rough times. It's an absolute turn off for me.

Hence I don't really distinguish between cheating on me vs. cheating on someone else.... You're still the same weak person.

[tatare]

I appreciate the responses and I agree it is never right to cheat. I made a decision to stick through since I recognized my own faults in the relationship. She was also a really weak immature person, but over the past three years she has really improved herself, and has done pretty much everything to prove to me that she loves me and that this won't occur again. Quite frankly, she has done more soul searching than me. I of course still can't understand that she did that to me, to cheat on someone she supposedly loves.

 

When we moved, I pretty much did it out of necessity since I had nowhere else to go, and it felt like we were still together because of inertia. We found a new appreciation for each other afterwards, but I am afraid that I still get pegged back alot. She tries to talk me through it etc, but most times I just don't feel like dealing with it. I am still annoyed but can't get angry at her anymore, since it happened, and since that day she has turned into a new way better person. I still love her, but don't know if the spark is there, and don't know if I can find that spark again.

[Darren Steez]

Thing is dude, not to be sucky about it all, but truth is it never goes away. The feeling of betrayal. You can have good times, perfect days where everything is smiles and rainbows then just for a second it creeps in. The feeling of insincerity, the feeling that she might be hiding something but then you want to smack yourself for even feeling that when things are great.

 

You can either let it go and try to move on but know that every once in a while you'll hear/see/feel the echos of mistrust which might descend into outright anger that you continually try to deaden and push away.

or

 

Acknowledge that all the love/making up in the world can't fix what is broken if you cant get over it. And it's your prerogative if you don't want to get over it, that's fine

 

Either way you need to take a step in either direction and decide once and for all if she's what you really want.

[tatare]

Thing is dude, not to be sucky about it all, but truth is it never goes away. The feeling of betrayal. You can have good times, perfect days where everything is smiles and rainbows then just for a second it creeps in. The feeling of insincerity, the feeling that she might be hiding something but then you want to smack yourself for even feeling that when things are great.

 

You can either let it go and try to move on but know that every once in a while you'll hear/see/feel the echos of mistrust which might descend into outright anger that you continually try to deaden and push away.

or

 

Acknowledge that all the love/making up in the world can't fix what is broken if you cant get over it. And it's your prerogative if you don't want to get over it, that's fine

 

Either way you need to take a step in either direction and decide once and for all if she's what you really want.

 

 

I know, and I knew that it won't go away unless I get amnesia or something. I just thought the anger will subside or my understanding will grow and it has. It used to be that I got angry and annoyed often, and now it has lessened. She tries to reassure me and has been good about it and she knows that nothing can make it go away, but like you said, it's whether I want to or can get over it. At this point I have sunk in another 3 years, and it has all gone pretty good, but I just don't know how else to channel my anger when something reminds of that.

[drifter777]

I know, and I knew that it won't go away unless I get amnesia or something. I just thought the anger will subside or my understanding will grow and it has. It used to be that I got angry and annoyed often, and now it has lessened. She tries to reassure me and has been good about it and she knows that nothing can make it go away, but like you said, it's whether I want to or can get over it. At this point I have sunk in another 3 years, and it has all gone pretty good, but I just don't know how else to channel my anger when something reminds of that.

 

It can take years and lots of hard work to deal with infidelity and even then there is no guarantee you will recover from her betrayal.

 

Look, you aren't married and don't have kids together so there is no reason to put yourself through all of this. Walk away and be single and free again. You'll never regret leaving.

[fixing]

Kick that cheating whore out and go NC for good. She doesnt respect you, and probably doesnt love you the same way you do her. ITS NOT YOUR FAULT. Have some respect for yourself, and make her realise she lost a great thing.

[tatare]

Kick that cheating whore out and go NC for good. She doesnt respect you, and probably doesnt love you the same way you do her. ITS NOT YOUR FAULT. Have some respect for yourself, and make her realise she lost a great thing.

 

That's the thing, she loved me more and felt that I never reciprocated. I always knew she loved me more, but I never thought that my sometimes lack of emotional connection to her, would result in her cheating. She isn't a bad person, and if I felt that she wasn't serious about it all I would have left long ago. When I kicked her out, she fought hard to get me back, she knew she made a mistake. To a certain degree I can understand why, but how still kills. How does someone go around lying like that, and not feel like **** the entire time. I think the previous poster got it right, I want to stay with her, but perhaps I don't want to let it go.

 

Thanks for the replies, but I guess this is something I need to figure out myself. One thing I have learned, is that no one can analyze another person's life from a short bio.

[wheream_i]

I know how you feel and what you're going through. Allow me to explain. I was the one doing the cheating but I'm also the one who is struggling with my career. I had amazing woman and I was never faithful to her. Finally, I was caught. Then, I was the one having to explain my every move, every call, every text, every waking hour. It was hell on me and I decided it was no way for me to live. We split up and got back together several times. I moved away a year ago to further pursue my career. We missed each other, so she visited me. Before she left, she brought it all up again. I realized it was never going to just go away or be forgotten. The incident happened about three years ago, as well.

 

Now she's gone for good. I couldn't see myself asking her to marry me knowing how most marriages usually turn out anyway. I'd be signing my own death sentence living under lock and key with no trust, whatsoever. There is no contact. I keep her picture on my computer desktop. How pathetic is that? My career feels like it's going nowhere as I am barely working in the industry I chose. I have no one in my life. I am all alone out here and I can't help but feel like this is exactly where she told me I'd be. But I can't blame anybody but myself. I guess I'm spilling all this because there are similarites in our situation. I honestly don't think you'll ever be able to forgive her, not just because of the betrayal but because of the situation you were in when she did this to you. I'm sorry to hear this and I hope things get better for you.

[wheream_i]

I always knew she loved me more, but I never thought that my sometimes lack of emotional connection to her, would result in her cheating.

 

Not to take her side at all, because I'm not. But that's usually the biggest reason women cheat, is due to lack of emotional connection.

[sunbeach200]

That's the thing, she loved me more and felt that I never reciprocated. I always knew she loved me more, but I never thought that my sometimes lack of emotional connection to her, would result in her cheating. She isn't a bad person, and if I felt that she wasn't serious about it all I would have left long ago. When I kicked her out, she fought hard to get me back, she knew she made a mistake. To a certain degree I can understand why, but how still kills. How does someone go around lying like that, and not feel like **** the entire time. I think the previous poster got it right, I want to stay with her, but perhaps I don't want to let it go.

 

Thanks for the replies, but I guess this is something I need to figure out myself. One thing I have learned, is that no one can analyze another person's life from a short bio.

 

Have you done some reading up on letting go of negative emotions? Have you done IC? You need to let this go if you are staying with her. The spark is not there because you are not allowing it to develop.

[LSTom]

My girlfriend of three years at the time cheated on me for around a week. We had moved to another city and she started school and cheated on me. Our relationship was far from perfect, I was unemployed and was taken out my frustrations on her and was just simply annoyed at my life. She snuck around and cheated on me.

The way I found out was one of her friends asking about her and when I told her what my girlfriend had told me where she was, it did not add up. I confronted her, and she fessed up. I was distraught, I had moved to a new city for her, didn't have a job, nor a place to stay. I kicked her out of the house and she begged me to stay, after a couple of days, I left the house and stayed with a friend of mine. She, in the meantime, broke of all contact with the other person, and pretty much dedicated her time to win me back, and quite frankly hasn't stopped since.

 

I haven't been able to let it go, it can still ruin my day. She has done just about everything to reassure me. In the months afterwards, she would always text me her whereabouts, what she will be doing, where she will be, coming home at the right time. I had my suspicions during that week, especially since I was unemployed. She was right in saying that I wasn't in the relationship, I stopped touching her and just didn't find her overall appealing anymore, but couldn't believe she would do that. I still can't believe she could do that. It's been three years now, and I still get angry, still get emotional and although it happens once a month, once every two months, I do wonder if I should start all over. I wanted to propose after 5 years initially, but now I just don't see it happening. I sometimes look at other women and wonder, what if I cheated, or what if I started dating one of them. I am 29 years old, and she makes all the money in the relationship, and I struggled to get a job for awhile, mainly because I left my field to move for her.

 

I know that I am unhappy at my own career, and also blame her for my career. On most days, I am happy to be with her, happy to be in this relationship, but it is on days like this, where I am reminded of the whole thing, that I don't know what to do with her and to do with our relationship.

 

At the very least, I would have cheated on her, so she knows what it feels like.