For OW / OM (and former) - the sex

[cocorico]

For current OW and OM, and those who have been OW and OM: how important is / was the sex in your A? Would you consider it incidental, non-existent (in an EA), an important but not central part, or everything (or anything else)? And how important do / did you think it was to your AP? Did s/he give you any indication about how much it mattered to her / him? Did you have the sense that their sex life with their BS was adequate, had shortcomings, was non-existent, etc? Did you know anything about their sex life, either that they told you, or that you knew from other sources? Did that put pressure on your own need to "perform" in your A? Did you feel it was a competition? Did you get the sense that your AP's BS recognised how important sex was to your lover?

 

If you are not or have not been an OW or OM, please feel free to start your own thread to discuss your own experiences or your speculation of what might have gone down in our Rs, the focus of this thread is for us to discuss our experiences in a non-hostile and respectful environment, thanks

[cocorico]

I'll go first:

 

Sex was very important in our A, but it was clearly not all there was to the R. We are both very sexual people with high libidos (as many OWs / OMs seem to be) and had both been frustrated in previous Rs with partners whose libidos were not as high.

 

I know my fAP's sex life was inadequate; I know that at the point we got together it was non-existent, and I knew this not from him but from other, reliable, sources. It was also clear in our relations that he was pretty starved for intimacy, and that his previous sexual experience had been pretty limited.

 

It did not place any pressure on our R, nor did it feel like a competition. OTC, because the baseline was so very low, anything would have been such an overwhelming improvement, so there was no pressure at all and we could simply be ourselves and engage in whatever we wanted to do.

 

From reading letters and emails she'd sent to him over the decades, I've a pretty clear idea that she simply had no clue about his needs, fantasies, interests or desires.

[LFH]

Sex is a very important part of any healthy intimate relationship. We are very sexually compatible, but it isn't the focus of our partnership. It's just a part we both find important and worth nurturing. We are very nicely matched with what we want/need/enjoy sexually and that has not lead to any issues. It's fun, enjoyable and an expression of the way we feel about each other.

 

I know he still has a sexual relationship with his wife. It's fairly regular but not often if that makes sense. I'm not talking months, I think it might be weekly, I'm not sure. I don't ask for details. I know that they have a pretty straightforward sex life in terms of variety because we've discussed it. He referred to it as "combination lock" sex. You know.. 3 to the right, 2 to the left...7 over here, bam. Not much variety, excitement, no real passion, just release. Trust me, I'm not that kinky so it isn't like we are having a sexual olympics every week. No trapezes but sex isn't that simple, most people need a little variety.

I've never tried to compete with her. If what they have were to be amazing that'd great for them, I would be trying to top it, I'm just going to be me... and live in my relationship with him fully giving us the best me I am.

 

I do know that even though she does know how important sex is to him, she has told him on more than one occasion that she has no desire to change things because she's done her duty and provided children, she still participates that should be enough for him too. When he told her it wasn't, she told him to get it elsewhere.

[Silly_Girl]

It was wonderful. I felt very safe and loved and yet free to experiment and express myself. We did hot n' horny, as well as gentle lovemaking.

 

It was important, but it was not the crux of the relationship, not by a long shot.

 

They weren't having sex at all which I found preferable, rather than sleeping with someone who was sleeping with someone, I'm a jealous girl when I really care about someone/something.

 

I never felt the need to perform, I very much focused on having my own needs satisfied and he was a happy bunny as a result of that

 

His wife did ask if they should start to try and have a sex life when she heard about me, and asked whether that would make a difference in him wanting to leave, but deep down they both knew that ship had sailed and the absence of attraction (and possibly respect) was mutual.

[LYC]

Our sex life is an important part of our relationship but it isn't what our relationship is based on or around. Before our relationship became physical he did tell me about their sex life. It appeared to have shortcomings. He told me it was pretty much a scheduled night of the week, same position, no oral, and that he uses condoms to prevent pregnancy.

 

I have never felt pressure or the need to compete. I am satisfied and he is satisfied. I don't believe his wife knows the importance of sex to their relationship. For instance, he told me he tried to discuss oral with her and she said it was dirty and would have no part of it.

 

After we became physical, he told me a couple more things about their sex life i.e. being accused of cheating because he never wanted it anymore. At which point I told him to please keep their sex life to himself. I didn't care to hear about it. I assume it is still on schedule.

[White Flower]

For current OW and OM, and those who have been OW and OM: how important is / was the sex in your A? Would you consider it incidental, non-existent (in an EA), an important but not central part, or everything (or anything else)? And how important do / did you think it was to your AP? Did s/he give you any indication about how much it mattered to her / him? Did you have the sense that their sex life with their BS was adequate, had shortcomings, was non-existent, etc? Did you know anything about their sex life, either that they told you, or that you knew from other sources? Did that put pressure on your own need to "perform" in your A? Did you feel it was a competition? Did you get the sense that your AP's BS recognised how important sex was to your lover?

 

If you are not or have not been an OW or OM, please feel free to start your own thread to discuss your own experiences or your speculation of what might have gone down in our Rs, the focus of this thread is for us to discuss our experiences in a non-hostile and respectful environment, thanks

 

Sex was a very important element in our R, almost as important as the enormous love we shared. xMM said sex maybe happened once or twice a year at home and though he loved his W like a sister he had a difficult time finding her attractive as a lover. He enjoyed spending time with her except for in the bedroom. This was evident when she filed for D and served him; he asked what her reasons were and her answer was they were living like roommates and she felt like a whore when she would come to him on the rare occasion for sex, then he would pleasure her but couldn't get off himself. How sad.

 

His stuff began to work again once he was with me. At first he didn't think it would, and he brought Viagra since that's what he had to use with BW on the rare occasion that it happened. But he soon learned we had a chemistry of our own that thrived without the use of pills and we didn't use any for seven years after those early days.

 

I recently asked our mutual friend if xMM ever cheated on me and his answer was no, not even with his W.

 

There was absolutely no pressure to perform or compete. I felt like his only lover and being so deeply in love it was my goal to fulfill all his needs, dreams, and fantasies as I would for any lover in my life.

 

We were each other's primary sexual partner and sex was very important to us. So was love.

[MissBee]

It was not based around that.

 

It was LDR so we were only around each other to have sex, only so many times. It was good when it happened but it wasn't the central aspect of the relationship. Also, and I don't know if it's because we simply didn't have the same volume of sex I had with boyfriends who were around all the time, hence they learned my body and so on in a shorter space of time, but the sex with my exAP while good wasn't the best. It wasn't bad but when I reminisce on good sex, what I had with him isn't top 3 on the list.

 

I remember him asking me about it and I didn't want to bruise his ego so said something about being inlove with him so that made it wonderful. But in terms of sex that I get tingles when I think about it, it wasn't with him. Funny enough though, although he is someone I was most inlove with, the sex just wasn't off the charts. I'm more experienced now though than back then so who knows how it would be now .

 

Re: BS. Don't know. Admittedly, I find it bizarre anyone wants to talk about their SO and the sex they are having or not having and its rating with someone else. I didn't see how us talking about their sex life would be relevant...and fortunately, he didn't either and applied the rule that, like what we shared was "sacred" to our relationship and he wouldn't be talking to anyone else about it, he wasn't going to do that to her.

[Poppy fields]

Sex was a very important element when I was the OW. I lost my virginity to him, and obviously was open to sexual exploration because I trusted and loved him. I think sex was definitely the lynch pin in our relationship. I loved him and cared for him, but came to realize we would not be a long term couple. Sex was the primary focus especially towards the end of our affair.

[stevie_23]

Being in a very LDR with my ex-MM, the sex was non-existent, but it was still an important part in terms of what we COULD do (texts, online chats, private videos, etc). The major sexual attraction was there right from the beginning even though it took a while to get expressed in any overtly sexual way. It was like a thread running through the overall bond (which of course encompassed emotional, spiritual, mental, physical, etc)

[Summer Breeze]

Sex was great but we fell in love before we'd even kissed. The physical intimacy enhanced the emotional intimacy. As far as their sex life I don't really know for sure. I always assumed they had sex but we so seldom talked about anything to do with her or them I'm not really sure. I know after 1 dday she and I talked and she was really upset and started talking about their HB. The only problem is she was saying actual days and times so when I looked back at the calendar there was 1 day when we spent the day together. Another one where he and I were both working and IM'ed but also had lunch together. Most of the others were accountable by phone calls and text messages. I don't know for sure but it didn't concern me then and it doesn't concern me now.

 

Sex now is better than it's been my whole life. It's a great blend of familiar and new.

[cocorico]

Re: BS. Don't know. Admittedly, I find it bizarre anyone wants to talk about their SO and the sex they are having or not having and its rating with someone else. I didn't see how us talking about their sex life would be relevant...and fortunately, he didn't either and applied the rule that, like what we shared was "sacred" to our relationship and he wouldn't be talking to anyone else about it, he wasn't going to do that to her.

 

There seems to be a myth that the MM seduces the OW by telling her his sex life with his W sucks, setting her up for the role of double-jointed provider of limitless quantities of "monkey sex" on demand, in order to fill the chasm between his needs and what the BW provided. I'm curious as to whether there is any grain of truth in this, from people's actual experience.

 

There is also the myth that the WS was over-abundantly provided for in terms of quantity and quality on the sexual front by the BS, "but he just wanted a bit of strange", hence the question about whether that was borne out by what APs observed of their lover.

 

Not rocket science, really just interest in how the myths match up to the reality. So far... Not too well.

[PurpleGal]

Sex is a very important part of our relationship. So are communication and love. But then, for me the three are intricately intertwined. In my opinion, sex is not just an act, but can also be the most meaningful expression of the love two people share. It's true that we make love almost every time we see each other. What can I say? We're crazy about one another.

 

I do not feel like I'm in competition because a) they don't have sex, and b) I own my sexuality and know that I please him immensely, married or not.

 

I don't believe she has a clue how important sex is to him. He was left to his own devices. That's when he found me.

[Got it]

Sex was/is very important in our relationship (just woke the man up for a little early morning booty ). But it is not all our relationship is but it is the act that bonds us and draws us closer. Sexual exploration was very important in our affair, he was the second person I have ever slept with and there was a whole new world out there as he is just as adventurous as I am. Plus he is smart, engaging, funny and just awesome.

 

For myself, sex with my ex was not good and never was that good and we started in high school. It wasn't a priority part of our relationship and I did express that to dMM. I liked that dMM was interested in sex, has a high drive, etc.

 

Sorry, right now I am sex focused so not thinking of any other aspect. I can't answer this properly right now.