Sharing of fantasy

[LFH]

This question is to all the OW/OM and WS who are interested and willing to discuss this. Obviously an OW/OM or WS would be the only one who would be able to speak clearly to this topic so I request that responses be limited to those that it applies to.

 

A thread over on the other side asked about discussion of fantasies and what that means in an affair. It made me think about how I really have only shared my fantasies with someone that I am truly compatible with sexually and deeply involved with. I've also only been able to share those things with someone I"m emotionally connected with, it certainly not some casual encounter or in any kind of NSA situation.

I discussed this with my MM this morning and asked him what he thought. We've certainly talked about our fantasies before and I asked him if he needed to feel emotionally connected to have done that, or if it's a guy thing and it doesn't really matter. He told me that's taking sex to a different level and that fantasies aren't something he reveals casually, but he certainly doesn't speak for everyone.

This lead to a discussion about sex in general and about 37 different thread topics I could come up with, but for now, I'm curious. As an OW/OM/WS, did you talk about your fantasies with your AP? Did they share things with you that they had not shared with their spouse? Either sexual or just intimate secrets? If they had shared them with their spouse had they been made to feel uncomfortable about what they had shared and therefore been hesitant to ever share them with you?

[cocorico]

As an OW/OM/WS, did you talk about your fantasies with your AP? Did they share things with you that they had not shared with their spouse? Either sexual or just intimate secrets? If they had shared them with their spouse had they been made to feel uncomfortable about what they had shared and therefore been hesitant to ever share them with you?

 

Yes, we shared our fantasies. No, he had never shared fantasies with her - she made it clear enough she wasn't interested in anything "disgusting" (which, from reading the letters and emails she sent him over the decades, I'm forced to interpret as "anything involving a penis"). To the extent they ever had a sex life, it appears to have been all about her - how she could never relax, could never reach orgasm, and all the things he should do (one thing, really) and should not do (anything else) to help her get there. His own needs, interests, desires....? Not important. He could go and sort himself out later (in the bathroom, and don't leave a mess!)

 

It did make him a very considerate lover, but t also meant his own desires and fantasies were very deeply buried and took a great deal of coaxing to emerge, once he felt safe enough.

[LYC]

I do talk to my bf about my fantasies and one of the things I adore about him is he is always willing to try anything with me. When we first got together he seemed a little inexperienced and almost shy. Throughout our time together he has really opened up and started sharing his desires. I have joked with him a couple times about unleashing a monster.

[White Flower]

As an OW/OM/WS, did you talk about your fantasies with your AP? Did they share things with you that they had not shared with their spouse? Either sexual or just intimate secrets? If they had shared them with their spouse had they been made to feel uncomfortable about what they had shared and therefore been hesitant to ever share them with you?

xMM told me that he learned long ago that if he brought up a new sexual idea to the plate BW would call him sick. She didn't even like being taken from behind because she was afraid of getting a bladder infection.

 

The first time I asked him about masturbation he blushed, and didn't really answer until I told him I did. From that point on the floodgates burst open and there was no stopping us. We explored pretty much every idea under the sun if not physically then at least verbally. He loved my open-mindedness and I adored his willingness. Whenever I brought up a preference he always made sure he kept that ritual and wow, what a great student he was. I kinda miss that guy, lol.

 

I was M for 25 years and my sex life with my H was pretty good, but with xMM it was off the charts and I believe it was because we bravely shared our fantasies and made each other feel safe in trying them.

[MissBee]

I didn't talk about his sex life with his SO. I didn't really care to know what fantasies they did or did not play out together. I felt odd enough being in a triangulated relationship, so the less I knew of such intimate details, the better. So can't say what he did with me that he didn't with her. I have no idea.

 

I always had trouble with the question of fantasies. I have some fantasies that are just fantasies...scenarios in my mind that turn me on but are not actually things I'd want to do. Then other stuff that I would do...they aren't fantasies to me, but simply "activities" I could do with the right person. I did share with him activities and scenarios I was interested in. I can't really remember if he had anything I'd call a fantasy that he shared with me....hmmm...it's been a while but again, maybe it's also because I've always been a bit confused about the use of the word fantasy, as we did stuff we liked, but not sure what makes it count as a "fantasy" scenario.

[Lillyfree]

yes, we told eachother our fantasies. i know very well, to minor detail, what would make him tick. we seemed to share a lot of common fantasies too, and he told me he was happy he could be so open about it with someone.

 

apparently when he suggested things to his gf, it was met with 'what would you want to do that for...?'

[wanting more]

It was probably about a year into the A that we started trying different things. From the 1st time we had sex it was off the charts. He was a great lover. Very very attentive to me, which in turn made me very very attentive to him. I think he surprised himself going 3-4 when we were together. I think I was the one to start talking and he was very open to trying things. I enjoyed it and so did he. It was fun. We did a lot of phone sex because he traveled a lot. I think that just built us up so much for when we actually saw each other.

 

I found out after d-day that his BW thought anything other than "normal missionary" sex was dirty and not something she'd ever consider. But that's a whole other story.

[Lillyfree]

I never had any desire to know what fantasies they may have played out, or any sexual details, although I know a lot I know NOTHING about anything they did. I asked about the spouse piece because it's relevant. It's interesting to me to see that a number of people appeared to have their fantasies dismissed.

 

 

in my situation, i believe it suited him - as he had the madonna/whore thing going. i was the 'fun' one, someone he could be open with - the two LTRs he had/has were both with women who weren't very adventurous. yet he had a short-lived R (affair) prior to his current relationship (which i believe ended his previous LTR) with someone who was like me - the only thing is she seemed content with being a side piece and i wasn't.

pattern much?

[White Flower]

After a long breakup, about six months, xMM came to win me back after a trip he took with BW in 2011. He admitted to having been with her on that trip and he found it to be lacking so he did what he could to win me which meant living separately from her again and meeting my needs.

 

He pushed the envelope the first time we made love after reconciling and I realized that during our time apart he had dwelled on the regret of never having tried that with me in the past. Funny how a Dday and the forced time apart can make a man yearn that much more for his OW.

 

That thing he tried at our reconciling became a regular treat. I know he can't go there with BW. Btw, that was nothing compared to what my xH and I did together, but the intensity of our chemistry, mine with xMM, made the little things enormous.

[stevie_23]

Oh yeah, definitely. We discussed our sexual fantasies a lot because we couldn't actually DO anything in person (long distance), and we were very open (after a while of getting to that more comfortable point with each other). We'd never done that before with anyone else. And I shared with him this secret I'd had (relating to a particular sexual fantasy or group of fantasies) that nobody else has ever known. He was the only one. It felt very good and like I had been set free in that particular way.

 

We also shared everything in terms of other intimate or private things. Embarrassing things like minor health issues...monthly visit stuff on my part...and other deeply emotional private thoughts and feelings.

[Summer Breeze]

I talk about fantasies with some of my closest girlfriends but not to a partner until it becomes emotionally comfortable. I don't wait forever because I think it's important to be on the same page but I also feel it shouldn't be rushed.

 

I definitely have to have an emotional investment in anyone I talk to about my fantasies though.

[TheOW]

I think that's what make A more intense sexually because I believe most people in A discuss their fantasies and explore them together. We did and we both enjoyed every moment of it, he hasn't done half the things we did with his wife and I hadn't either with my husband.

 

Maybe this is why she's gone all physco wifey.

[White Flower]

I think that's what make A more intense sexually because I believe most people in A discuss their fantasies and explore them together. We did and we both enjoyed every moment of it, he hasn't done half the things we did with his wife and I hadn't either with my husband.

 

Maybe this is why she's gone all physco wifey.

 

That's too bad if he shares personal details with her about your sex life with him. I hope he's not trying to get her to step it up by competing.

 

I trust xMM with keeping our sex life private because BW can't even stand her own mind movies. He's not even allowed to mention my name.

[carhill]

As an OW/OM/WS, did you talk about your fantasies with your AP? Did they share things with you that they had not shared with their spouse? Either sexual or just intimate secrets?

 

In passing, perhaps some were mentioned but such was never the focal point of a conversation, to my recollection. If any, they would have fallen into the 'intimate secrets' column rather than the typical sexual fantasies which are often discussed here on LS. This perhaps reflects more of a focus on the emotional aspects of the EMR's as opposed to the sexual aspects, in my examples. YMMV on that.

[carhill]

I would suspect my personal boundary was that the preponderance of such 'fantasies' were to be shared with one's marital partner, as my relationship focus has always been marriage-centric, meaning I desired to be married and have a family. I've never taken much to sharing sexual fantasies or intimate secrets with others. If anything, they get the 'PG' version. Also, for clarification, when I was WS/MM, such 'intimate secrets' shared were about myself, not our M, consistent with my historical policy of not 'kissing and telling'. Examples would be fantasies and secrets from my younger life, sharing part of what formed the 'here and now'.

 

As far as my main example goes, our connection was intimate enough that others commented on it openly, both family and friends. I won't state the comments were uniformly positive, because they weren't, alluding to the impropriety witnessed, but they did address the 'connection' pretty clearly.

 

Hope that helps.

[Mint Sauce]

another man to add something here.

 

I shared more of my fantasies with my OW. With her I felt I wouldn't be judged, or even better, she'd accept that those were my turn-ons, and effectively use them in our love life. I shared some with my wife, but she could not deal with them, and they turned into a taboo topic, in spite of their innocent nature.

 

Exploring them with my OW was such a relief!

 

Edit: even after our D-day, my wife, although willing to save our marriage, was unable to accept those fantasies. They could not be discussed.

Edited March 28, 2013 by Mint Sauce

[Got it]

Yes I shared more with him than my spouse as I had a history of attempting to share sexual fantasies with my spouse and not received well. So it was freeing to be with someone that was so interested in and encouraging of that side.

 

In regards to other fantasies, I am not sure. I know that I did with my spouse for a good part of our relationship though by the time the affair started I was very disconnected I wasn't talking about much of anything. I was just done.

 

I don't know, I don't have a lot of stuff hidden in me, I am pretty open with people and am pretty transparent in my thoughts, emotions, history, etc. Outside of the sex piece there is little else I can think of I hadn't shared with friends, family, others, etc. I am pretty open to the whys and will debate most things and am not shy in that area. I analyze and deep dive everything.

[Catplates]

Absolutely yes!

 

He had been married 45 years and to my knowledge had not strayed before.

 

He said his wife had always thought sex was a grubby thing to do ..he was a very sensual man and felt he had missed a lot in his long marriage.

 

We explored fantasies, played games and both felt there was a great deal of trust and affection between us.

 

Neither on of us felt judged or guilty for asking the other.

 

Cat

[stevie_23]

Absolutely yes!

 

He had been married 45 years and to my knowledge had not strayed before.

 

He said his wife had always thought sex was a grubby thing to do ..he was a very sensual man and felt he had missed a lot in his long marriage.

 

We explored fantasies, played games and both felt there was a great deal of trust and affection between us.

 

Neither on of us felt judged or guilty for asking the other.

 

Cat

 

That sounds so nice...

[PurpleGal]

There seems to be a pattern here. In any case, I came into the relationship much more sexually experienced than he, despite him having 10 years on me. Slowly, he's opened up about things in which he's interested. He's a very giving lover, and I can count on one hand the number of times he's "gone" first in the past year. His former lovers, including his wife, have been "prudes" in his words. But he's felt free to explore with me. This suits me just fine, as I'll try almost anything once.

 

To me, the bedroom is a free space. No judgements. I honestly don't understand people who aren't willing to at least CONSIDER meeting their spouses' sexual needs, even if it's a little "out there" to them. This is lovemaking. It's important. And even if one isn't willing to do certain things, a person should not be shamed because their desires differ. Specifically, if more women understood how important satisfying sex with a woman he loves is to a man's emotional health, I believe there would be far fewer posters on this particular board.

 

I get that some people cheat for other reasons. But I hear other women talking. It's a big joke that they don't have sex with their husbands anymore. It's sometimes viewed that they can take care of things on their own. It just isn't so.