I was never attracted to my wife

[Thatguy79]

I’ve been married for 8 years together for 12 with two kids, 4 and 6. I’ve been cheating on her for the better part of a year, and also before we were married, never anything personal just sex. I never fell in love with anyone else while having affairs. She has recently found out, and everything fell apart, as I knew it would . I have since moved out with a friend in an apartment and have been reflecting on my situation. I have started to realize that I don’t think I was ever attracted to my wife. I fell in love with who she was as a person, we got along great, and she is beautiful, but I NEVER looked at her and thought to myself I just want to spend all day in bed with her, as I have with other woman before her. I have spent a lot of time pleasing myself during our relationship rather than having sex which upset her. She has often made comments wondering if I were attracted to her during our relationship. I have come from a strong religious back ground where the importance of sex was never really discussed, and now I’m realizing how important it is.

 

I do care about her and we have 2 beautiful kids which I love with all my heart, but I don’t think I can continue this relationship like this. She wants to make it work for our kids sake, but I came from a family where my mom was miserable and married to an alcoholic husband, which made my life miserable as well. She wouldn’t divorce due to religious beliefs. I don’t want to go through my life like that. I know what I have done is wrong, and should of approached it differently than how I have.

 

I am having such a hard time with this because I know by telling her, it would destroy her. She is a very insecure woman and does have a lot of self esteem problems. I am not a shallow, mean person. Anyone who knows me knows I’m probably one of the nicest down to earth people they know. I have a counseling appointment tomorrow and hope to get a lot out of it in the future. I am having a very hard time with this and don’t know what to do or how to say this to her, or if this is a normal feeling.

[ForeverHopeful1]

I know you think it may hurt her very badly, and it will. It will not destroy her. What will destroy her is living the rest of her life in a lie thinking she just didnt do it for you, or that she was the problem. Dont put that crap on her shoulders. You arent attracted to her and that is absolutely ok. You NEED to be honest about that. Dont you owe her the truth after what you have done to her? She needs an explanation and I think you have done a bang up job of it here. She is probably blaming herself for all the things she did wrong when she probably did nothing wrong and its something you just didnt see early on and decided to marry her anyway, have kids anyway, giving her this false sense of companionship (whether you knew you were doing it at the time or not.) I am trying to reason with you a little, not be mean, so I am sorry if some of what I am saying sounds mean.

 

If she knew how you really felt, would she actually want to work it out for the kids? I mean, really, when you think of all the things you have just said, I wouldnt want to save my marriage with someone who was never attracted to me and lied for the entire time we were together, then cheated on me and neglected me. I would prefer to move on with my life because I can do that badly alone. I think you owe her the truth and she may surprise you and tell you she doesnt want to stay together. I hope things stay civil for the children though.

 

You need to get the truth on the table, Hun.

 

This is just what I think and although it may hurt, that is what I would want, as a wife. In the situation, as it is, I would probably want to stay together for our children and try to work through the infidelity knowing what she knows now though, so this is why I ask you to be honest. If I knew my husband was never attracted to me, I dont think I would be able to say the same. You cannot change what you dont acknowledge. She cannot change anything for herself if she is still holding on to hope that you two will reunite when in reality, she may feel very differently about you if you actually told her everything youre feeling.

[GuyInLimbo]

I can relate to you on a number of levels. Almost 3 years ago, I made a conscious decision to stay b/c of the kids. I'm now in a place where I'm getting ready to finally end things. Kids KNOW and FEEL a lot more than we give credit for. they know when their parents are unhappy. Your feelings are never going to change for the better towards your wife. So, do the only right thing and end it with her right now. It's best for everyone involved.

 

You're at a point in your life where you know (more) what you need and want from a partner. Go find it.