Can't stop blaming myself for breakup

[shutta300]

My ex gf broke up with me over a month ago. I still can't stop thinking about everything and blaming myself for our breakup. I think of all the things I should have done and could have done. It makes me feel horrible and depressed that its all my fault. I didn't cheat or lie. She was already going out with someone 2weeks after the breakup. It kills me to think she was so unhappy with our relationship all because of me. Its really taking its toll on me.

[Amelie1980]

It is awful....I too torture myself on a daily basis.

[Cogee]

Write down the lessons you have learned from the experience and what you will do to improve. Work on doing what you have always wanted to do and things that will make you feel good. Don't worry about what your ex is doing because it will only make you feel worse and take away from the time you have for yourself.

 

It's natural to be feeling regrets and blaming yourself for a breakup especially if you are the dumpee, but sometimes things don't work out for many more complicated reasons than you even think.

[TheFriend]

Well... What were the reasons for the break up? Did she bottle up her emotions? Would she tell you what was wrong during the relationship and did she give you a chance to fix things that made her unhappy? Very similar story with myself. I gave gave gave, she left me then very promptly found someone else. I still replay things in my head but it is slowly starting to fade away. I am starting to remember how GOOD I actually was to her and all the things i DID do right. I still find my self breaking down at times crying tho about if only i this, if only i that.... It sucks.

 

How old are you both?

[Amelie1980]

Well... What were the reasons for the break up? Did she bottle up her emotions? Would she tell you what was wrong during the relationship and did she give you a chance to fix things that made her unhappy? Very similar story with myself. I gave gave gave, she left me then very promptly found someone else. I still replay things in my head but it is slowly starting to fade away. I am starting to remember how GOOD I actually was to her and all the things i DID do right. I still find my self breaking down at times crying tho about if only i this, if only i that.... It sucks.

 

How old are you both?

 

my guy.bottled everything and never gave me a chance.

[shutta300]

She bottled things up for a lil then finally began telling me what was upsetting her. She told me I didn't show her enough affection, didn't compliment her and tell her she was beautiful, that we didn't do anything together and I didn't take her out other than to the bar, I didn't show her I was proud she was my gf. She gave me what she said was three chances but really it was one and I did begin to fix things but after 2 weeks she said that it was to late. That I realized she was unhappy to late to turn her feelings around. Next thing I know she's goin out with this guy she works with. So even though I began fixing things it didn't even matter. She made up her mind. I'm 24 she's 22.

[TheFriend]

Well the bottle up is not your fault. In all reality there is probably nothing you could have done to change the outcome of everything. I am 27 my ex is 22 and she let her unhappiness eat away at her for months, she eventually left me. I am the other end of the spectrum i always tried to change up what we did. Told her how beautiful she was, and made her feel wanted... My point there is not to make you feel like **** for not doing that, but more to show you that a lot of girls at 22 have no clue what they want. If you did all of those things she very well could have thought you were too needy/clingy. I was "everything she ever wanted" and boom. Big change. Completely blew me out of the water. You should never have to change who you are to make someone else happy. 2 months later i still don't believe my own words, but I do have moments of clairty. You probably did a lot of good things for her during the relationship so don't let her cloud your thoughts with bad feelings/negativity over the bad things. We will both learn from our breakups. It will take time but it will happen.

[shutta300]

I have learned from it and have changed and grown from it. Unfortunatly to late for her. Instead of things getring better they have been getting worse. I become more and more depressed everyday. Everyone keeps telling me to just get over it already and stop being a p**** about it. I wish I could just let it go but for whatever reason that seems impossible right now. I feel bad even trying to talk to anyone about it cuz I know I'm just annoying them at this point. Even just dying sounds ok right now. Never thought I'd be in such a dark place that suicide or dying would be a logical solution. I just want things to be better.

[lastresort]

I understand the guilt, my situation was my fault and i feel guilty. I wake up in the middle of the night and can't fall back to sleep. I suggest you try and go out with some friends and get back into society, as much as you don't wan to do it, it will make you feel better. You have lost her and if she has already started dating another guy it is totally out of your control. Take care of yourself and someone new will just happen into your life. This how it worked when i found my ex and that is how it will happen with the NEXT girl for sure... A wise friend of mine taught me a word you must use in this situation "NEXT" i have been doing it but i would rather have my girl back.

[shutta300]

Even going out didn't help. All I wanted to do was go home. It wasn't any fun and I drf didn't feel any better. Everyone keeps telling me there's plenty of fish in the sea. I would rather have mine back to.

[NewPerspective93]

Do not blame yourself, you are not at fault here. Blaming yourself will not do anything but make you feel down. In this case, it seems as thought she might've been interested in someone else, thus why she's already in a relationship so quickly.

 

If she was going out with someone within two weeks of the break-up, I wouldn't put the blame all on you. She probably checked out of the relationship early, thus why the sudden relationship she's in manifested so quickly.

 

Maybe she did have a point on those things you might not have done to show her you cared, but being depressed over it will not do you any good. Take this as a lesson for the next relationship, for at least you took something out other than sole heartbreak.

 

I understand how hard this in, but all the strength to you.

 

Hang in there buddy, things will get better.

 

The sun will shine again.

 

Cheers.

[TheFriend]

I know EXACTALLY how you feel shutta, I was never in a darker place in my life for weeks. I thought about dying as well, but then a couple things came to mind.... First of all what if there is a hell?! Would I want to live in this pain every single second of existence? I am by no means a religious nut or anything like that BUT what if! Secondly, she is just fine and dandy right now, why should she win and have a better life. I want to make the best damn life for myself now. That will be the greatest victory possible. I want to look back one day and think hahaha what a stupid c***. She blew a great thing with a great man. That's the mean side of me thinking. Te nice said wants me to get over this and wish her happiness. Sadly we cannot help how others feel:(. I'm not there yet however!!!

 

Use this site. Don't go read all that bull**** on how to get an ex back. I tried it. It's all crap. It feeds you false hope gets you excited only to drag out a break up.

 

I have been seeing a therapist since my break up. I would highly recommend that you do so for a few weeks. Be completely honest with them about everything. It feels good because they cannot judge you of make you feel a certain why they will just help you get through it.

 

And don't worry I tried to go out after my break up. I was no fun, felt like i was bugging friend. It sucked. Keep trying, make sure you drive yourself and tell your friends before hand your not sure how long you will make it and that you will at least try. If they call you a p**** then blow it off. It is completely normal to feel the way you are feeling.

 

I am 2 months out. I still slide to darkness for a while but I also have large spans of happiness. If you have that one good friend who is always there be honest with them and tell them you really need to talk. They won't mind.

 

 

I hope you are ok!

[shutta300]

I'm trying not to blame myself but the more and more I think about it I blame myself even more. I dunno how much longer I could feel like this. I am really considering seeing a therapist because I'm actually becoming scared of what's been going through my head. I don't really have anyone to talk to about it which is why I'm posting on here. Everyone I talk to just thinks I'm being stupid and disregards what I say. I have so much stress going on in my life with school and she was the only thing that kept me from going crazy and making me happy. Now that she left I have nobody to help relieve it and she has made me even more stressed than before. My life is just spiraling out of control and its not just my life that is my school work has greatly been suffering to.

[destroyed4sho]

takes 2 to tango. did she tell you she wanted you to fix/resolve issues? Did she give you a chance to change? If.not.then her fault too.

[mtnbiker3000]

I'm trying not to blame myself but the more and more I think about it I blame myself even more. I dunno how much longer I could feel like this. I am really considering seeing a therapist because I'm actually becoming scared of what's been going through my head. I don't really have anyone to talk to about it which is why I'm posting on here. Everyone I talk to just thinks I'm being stupid and disregards what I say. I have so much stress going on in my life with school and she was the only thing that kept me from going crazy and making me happy. Now that she left I have nobody to help relieve it and she has made me even more stressed than before. My life is just spiraling out of control and its not just my life that is my school work has greatly been suffering to.

 

A couple of things that are helping me as I am in the same boat, and those who have read some of my many posts know that I also have these same feelings of blame, loss, loneliness, hoplessness, regret and rejection.

 

1. Use this site. It helps immensely. Read, read more, read some more and respond. It helps. I promise. I too am lacking any real support other than a therapist and this site. Our girls were our support. Now... not so much. I get it!

 

2. You must realize this is not solely based on you. I have this same issue. But, your ex SO had a lot to do with it to!! And maybe there were just things beyond either of your realms of control. I speak of incompatibilities. Things that just can't be fixed and weren't discovered until feelings already developed. I now understand that she just realized and accepted the need of the BU before me (we men can be kind of dense when dealing with the fairer sex). It wasn't going to work in the long run. She did me a favor. Maybe this is the case for you as well. Imagine if you 2 stuck it out longer and longer until it finally burst months or years down the road. Better early than later.

 

3. Take your ex off the pedestal. You are romanticizing her and looking at the RS through rose-colored glasses. I have been doing this to. It is natural!! Some people on here suggest making a list of the things that pissed you off, made you upset or frustrated or hurt your feelings.

 

4. Take it day by day and understand some will be easier and some will be harder. Try to avoid triggers that put your mind in a nasty place. Have a 'thought contingency plan' to redirect your brain if you start 'trippin'

 

There's lots more advice on here that can and will help. Come back often. I have been here every day for 3 weeks, and it does help...

 

Oh, and of course strict NC. No exceptions!!!

 

You will make it through this! You are young. Very young. You will get a million more wonderful opportunities. I try to tell myself this too, but I am not so young (I'm 41 and my ex was a hot, sexy 31yo) and worry I may not do as well in the future. But I try to stay optimistic.

[Vogeltron]

You should be happy with yourself. Nobody else should ever have to make you happy. Bro I am you age. I am 25. Go out meet new people. There is no way in heck you should be so depressed over this. Also I won't sugar coat it you probably did mess up that relationship. But she didn't help and is probably as equal at fault on her end if she really was serious about it. You have to always have an open relationship where you can talk about all that crap. How the relationship is going and all that truthfully on a regular basis or else it is destined to blow up at some point. That she didn't come about it until it hit fan means she probably wasn't all that serious about it. At our age if you aren't in some religious community or something college aged girls like to get out and meet as many people as they can. I hate to say I have been in your situation. It does suck. But if she is going to go date other people why the heck aren't you. There are thousands of ladies out there. There is no reason why you shouldn't be meeting other people. I am sure the girl you where with was great. But how do you know one of the next girls isn't going to be ever better. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and go meet some people. Your ex is probably just hooking up with the first d-bag that asked her out because that is how lots of women go after a break-up. I am telling you. This is your golden opportunity. You are still in school. I am guessing some kind of college. There are always plenty of good looking broads walking around. Just go up introduce yourself and take it from there. The sooner you do that the sooner you will forget about all the past b.s. and for good reason. Trust me bro you are going to meet some awesome ass girls if you put yourself out there. Your ex is probably going to be pissed and you won't even want her back when she sees it and trys to contact you.

Edited March 29, 2013 by Vogeltron