Affairs as the Start of a Relationship?

[Compromize]

I wanted to hear if anyone has any personal experience or knows of anyone that had a relationship that begin as an afair and actually went the distance or are still together and happy/healthy?

 

My last realtionship begin from an affair (we were both in miserable marriages for years) and

lasted over 3 years. We had serious trust issues. First (and only, ever, never again!) for me and not the first for her.

 

Not sure if this is the right thread to post this in but please share your thoughts and stories!

[Spark1111]

this is what I have read on psychological sites and infidelity sites and in books by authors I trust ( as opposed to pop culture mags, sites, etc.)

 

Marriages born of affairs do not fair well because of trust issues! Somewhere along the line you come to terms with if they could lie to their SO to be with you....and then you land them...you are forever plagued by if they maybe lying to you now.

 

The divorce rate for second marriages is a very high 65 to 70 percent.

 

as for affairs, only 3 out of 100 are classified as true exit affairs. They are categorized by the marriage being so dead in the water, friends and family are welcoming you,embracing you as the new partner, their is no shame, total honesty, and quick resolution and divorce so you two can forge a future together.

 

Which one was your relationship?

[HopingAgain]

My current marriage began as an affair. I was the WS and he was a single OM, it was an exit affair on my part. I was a BS, then 2 years later met OM (now husband) and we began seeing eachother. We had a dday a few months into it, I seperated from my ex because I was in love with my current husband.

 

We didnt marry for several more years, but yes, trust was and has been an issue. Mostly for him, but also for me as a former BS from my first marriage, and now with my new husband having a fling a few months back.

 

So yes, needless to say, the stats about marrying your AP are real and true. I learned and repented of my cheating ways long ago, but WS still has some work to.do.

[Compromize]

this is what I have read on psychological sites and infidelity sites and in books by authors I trust ( as opposed to pop culture mags, sites, etc.)

 

Marriages born of affairs do not fair well because of trust issues! Somewhere along the line you come to terms with if they could lie to their SO to be with you....and then you land them...you are forever plagued by if they maybe lying to you now.

 

The divorce rate for second marriages is a very high 65 to 70 percent.

 

as for affairs, only 3 out of 100 are classified as true exit affairs. They are categorized by the marriage being so dead in the water, friends and family are welcoming you,embracing you as the new partner, their is no shame, total honesty, and quick resolution and divorce so you two can forge a future together.

 

Which one was your relationship?

 

Thank you for answering Spark1111. We are currently broken up, my story is here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/377313-moving-staying-acceptance-nc

 

It is a long read, I apologize I just needed to let it out at the time. Mine was an exit affair, at least from my standpoint. I was married to a woman that had serious intimacy issues and I was only "allowed" to kiss or touch her when we were going to have sex, which was few and far between. This only changed when she realized I was truly checked out of the marriage but it was too late by then.

 

My ex GF or ex-affair partner is still married but has been separated for 3 - 4 years. She had at least 2 affairs prior to me that I know about. I had never had an affair before but was so miserable I entertained the idea many times. It is my firm belief that when you are truly in love and happy with someone you are not "searching" or "emotionally available". I was truly happy with my ex GF for the first time in my life. I wanted her and loved her and her alone fully

 

When my family found out about the separation and divorce the basic feeling was one of "it's about time, we could see how unhappy you were for years and years". I introduced my ex GF to them very soon and they were all accepting and happy for me, my Mom said it was the first time she had seen me truly happy and in love. I introduced her to my kids after about 10 months to a year and it was around this time she introduced me to her family (parents and sister), well after I had introduced her to mine. The seemed accepting of me.

 

It took another year before she introduced me to her kids. Her son was having issues with the separation and she didn't want to rush things with him. I understood but wanted more time together as we had only a handful of days a month together. It was very good for a while after that. This is all mainly covered in the link above.

 

I guess as of now, I feel like it was a relationship waiting to really happen. If you add all the time up that we actually spent together (we did talk every single day multiple times a day on the phone and texted constantly) it was probably only about 5 - 6 months of actual physical time together and about 30 - 40 nights of sleeping in the same bed over the course of almost 4 years. I waited 3+ years for her to get divorced (still married that I know of as of now), move in together (told me I would have to wait until our kids were grown as of last year) and she has never trusted me. I trusted her but never fully. Like everyone says, if it happened before with you, whats to stop it from happening TO you. I think her having a history of multiple affairs and accepting male attention, she was less trusting of me because of her own nature. I could be wrong but she was always asking me if I was talking to someone else, seeing someone else.

 

We never had the initial trust and once the "honeymoon" phase wore off, the trust issues kept festering more and more. I know how you feel Hoping Again, as the trust is generally lacking in my experience in a relationship starting from an affair.

 

I can honestly say that I have never loved anyone more than I love her though. I did and do feel like we were a one in a million couple with the passion we have/had for each other. Not something I ever expected to have in my lifetime and I knew it was too good to last, knew I would never get to keep her. I would have happily spent the rest of my life with her. I know we had issues but she just completed me in every way that I can imagine. But she is gone.

Edited March 28, 2013 by Compromize

[stevie_23]

Technically (ASIDE from the trust issues), I don't see why exit affairs / relationships borne out of affairs can't work just the same as a normal non-ex-affair relationship.

 

Again, aside from the trust issues, some things that could make it harder to carry on in a normal happy relationship might be...the fact that in an A, you MAY have fallen in love with the AP based on A conditions...and once those A conditions are gone, you will no doubt still be in love, but based on what? EXACTLY the same real life as you will now be embarking on in your now non-A relationship? It may be a bit different and this could cause problems.

 

Also, maybe there's added negative pressure from friends, family, children, etc who view your new relationship as bad because of how it began.

 

But anyway, they definitely can work though. 2 of my parents' friends had affairs with their younger secretaries at their offices (the 2 friends don't know each other) and are both still with them, married, with kids, etc. 10+ year relationships. Who knows whether they'll last forever, but not all "normal" relationships last beyond 10 or 15 or 20 years either, so I'd say those 2 relationships could be classed as a "success."

 

My ex-MM and I intended our A to be an exit-A...but it didn't work out. He has had prior As and all of them were exit-As. His 2nd wife he cheated on and then left to be with the AP who became his 3rd wife. They were married for about 10 years after that and then she left him (no infidelity involved). Then his 4th wife he cheated on with who is now his current wife.

[jlola]

Technically (ASIDE from the trust issues), I don't see why exit affairs / relationships borne out of affairs can't work just the same as a normal non-ex-affair relationship.

 

Again, aside from the trust issues, some things that could make it harder to carry on in a normal happy relationship might be...the fact that in an A, you MAY have fallen in love with the AP based on A conditions...and once those A conditions are gone, you will no doubt still be in love, but based on what? EXACTLY the same real life as you will now be embarking on in your now non-A relationship? It may be a bit different and this could cause problems.

 

Also, maybe there's added negative pressure from friends, family, children, etc who view your new relationship as bad because of how it began.

 

But anyway, they definitely can work though. 2 of my parents' friends had affairs with their younger secretaries at their offices (the 2 friends don't know each other) and are both still with them, married, with kids, etc. 10+ year relationships. Who knows whether they'll last forever, but not all "normal" relationships last beyond 10 or 15 or 20 years either, so I'd say those 2 relationships could be classed as a "success."

 

My ex-MM and I intended our A to be an exit-A...but it didn't work out. He has had prior As and all of them were exit-As. His 2nd wife he cheated on and then left to be with the AP who became his 3rd wife. They were married for about 10 years after that and then she left him (no infidelity involved). Then his 4th wife he cheated on with who is now his current wife.

 

Is his name "Tony Hawk"?

According to What Would Tyler Durden Do (wwtdd.com): "[Hawk] first got married in 1990, then divorced her to marry the nanny, then divorced the nanny to marry his publicist. Well now he’s divorcing the publicist, and he’s doing that, according to a source, because he’s having yet another affair. This time with a woman who is also married, to someone named Matt Goodman."

 

Wait, it gets better. Duden is reporting that Goodman is a very close friend of Hawk's, described as "lifelong friends and business partners." So close that even their kids are close to each other, per Durden.

 

If all is true then Tony Hawk takes the early Scumbag Husband of the Year Award. Tony Parker will be sending it in the mail soon.

[Summer Breeze]

My xH has been M to his OW for over 20 years now and by all accounts from family and kids they're very happy and doing well.

 

I have worked closely with a woman for about 10 years and she recently told me her M started from an A. They've been M for 18 years and right now she's a huge support for me in how to navigate the waters of building something with dMM.

 

I know a few other couples who stemmed from As and they have their ups and downs, but seem as happy as other couples I know. I only know 1 couple that didn't make it and that seemed to be more from the loss of their child than anything. You never know though. As many times as we say you don't know what goes on in a M if you're an AP and you don't know what goes on in an A if you're a BS, the same holds true when you see your friends. You may have an inkling there's a problem but you don't know for sure and that includes Ms that start with As or that don't.

[waterwoman]

I only know two such marriages well.

 

1. Both parties in their late 40s - he was married and she wasn't. From his POV it was an exit affair from a dying marriage. She had been married twice before ,second divorce because of infidelity. They are still very happily married 12 years down the line. A lovely couple who enrich the lives of everyone who know them.

 

2. My closest friend left her last H for her current H. he current marriage is now on the rocks big time and she has had a ONS. I love her dearly but she has 'issues'

 

I think it has more to do with the people involved.

[Decorative]

My BIL and SIL are still married, after beginning as an affair when his first wife was pregnant.

 

He has cheated on her repeatedly, been fired for sexual harassment, she has cheated on him, and has recently developed quite the drinking problem. They threaten divorce via Facebook about once a year.

 

But they are still married.

[BetrayedH]

As Spark briefly mentioned, about 3% make it to marriage. Then you have to contend with the rate of divorce for second marriages, which is about 75%, and (if I recall correctly) approaches 90% when born of an affair.

 

Will you find anecdotal stories of success? Sure. I agree with the poster who said that it probably depends a lot on the particular people involved. As odd as it may sound, I think I might have a more difficult time trying to trust someone who had never been touched by infidelity than someone that had seriously learned the lesson (as either fBS or fWS).

 

I also agree that while they may appear to be successful, you never really know from the outside of the relationship. And sadly, they may never know even though they are on the inside.

[Spotme]

Well, I don't know if this is a success story or not, but here's some of my family history. My father's father had an exit affair with a coworker, leaving his wife after about 30 years of marriage and 7 kids, 2 still at home. He and the OW married and moved cross country. He never spoke to his ex-wife or any of his children again. The only two further contacts were when he had a stillborn child buried in the joint plot he owned with my grandmother (had it flown across the country) and when a cousin looked him up while visiting California and was threatened with a gun and told to get the hell off his property. To the best of my knowledge he did remain married. So I guess the takeaway there, other than that he was a real jerk, is that he may or may not have been happy in his second marriage, but he sure left a lot of devastation in his wake and gave up his entire life to make it happen.

 

I also have a cousin, (same side of the family and perhaps not coincidentally also kind of an a$$) who started a job in another state while leaving his wife behind to wrap up her job and sell their house. When it was about time for her to go, he called and told her not to come, that he had fallen in love with someone else and was divorcing her (I think he waited until the house was sold - it made dividing the assets easier). Fortunately there were no kids involved. He was an outcast from the family (because his parents were so angry at how he treated their daughter-in-law who was such a sweet person and well-loved) for about a decade. In the end, however, his ex-wife remarried a really nice guy and moved on with a happy life, and he and his second wife had a kid and eventually reconciled with his parents before they died. He seems happy enough now, but there was a lot of agita getting there.

[worldgonewrong]

 

The divorce rate for second marriages is a very high 65 to 70 percent.

 

Can you parse this stat a little bit more?

 

I've seen the 2nd-marriage divorce rate broken down in two ways:

1. it's high for those who were waywards

2. it's low for those who were the BS and now with a new love.

[cocorico]

I wanted to hear if anyone has any personal experience or knows of anyone that had a relationship that begin as an afair and actually went the distance or are still together and happy/healthy?

 

 

It's quite common in the sector I work in. First marriages are often referred to as "trial" or "starter" Ms, with the view that the person will find their real life partner later, and will leave the "starter" M at that point to be with that person. Because it is a career that takes so long to develop, most M long before they reach full maturity on their career and then find themselves shackled to someone who they no longer have anything in common with, at a time when they are exposed to all these new people that they have so much in common with, so I can't say I find it at all surprising.

 

On a more personal front, my father has been happily, healthily and passionately we'd to his fOW for decades now, far longer than he was to his 1st W. And my H and I were fAPs, and are very happily M with no trust issues.

[carhill]

My example:

 

fMW, who now lives with her BF, related that her R with him started while she was separated and he was 'sleeping on the couch' (her words). She and he later got divorced and dated for about 5 years (until the divorces were final) and have now lived together for about 7. They co-own their home and she is the office manager of his business. At the time I was back in her life, their R was a little rocky and I did meet his parents and children and they were decidedly not too happy about her place in his life but I guess they all worked it out.

[knitwit]

I know of several relationships that started as affairs.

 

The one I know best is my FIL and his wife. They have been married now for over 15 years. They are a lovely couple. I don't know if she was married at the time, but he was, and his was an exit affair- he was waiting until his youngest, my SIL, graduated from HS. He and my MIL had an unhappy marriage; my MIL is doing well, and in fact, on the rare times that they are in the same place, my FIL and his wife are way more uncomfortable than my MIL.

 

That said, the affair/break-up did have its costs- my SIL didn't speak to her dad for a long time, it took nearly 5 years before she would agree to meet her dad's partner. Her dad didn't pressure her and let her take the lead, and now my SIL has a good relationship with both my FIL and his wife. Even now, I think my FIL would prefer a stronger bond with his daughter.

 

My DH has a good relationship with both his mom and his dad- it is better with his dad. However, in his first marriage, he started out as the OM. He didn't consider himself as an OM until his then-wife started stepping on him. He thought things were OK- struggling, but OK- in their marriage when one of his friends told him she was seeing other people, saying that they were "done" and only needed papers to be signed- exactly what she told him when they first started seeing each other.

 

In fact, when they first started dating, he only found out she was married when, after one night when he stayed at her house, he was in the kitchen making breakfast and a man walked in. The man was her husband! She told DH that she was getting divorced and didn't want to tell him b/c she didn't want him to stay away from her.

 

DH stopped seeing her until, a month later, she had her own place. But he figures now, that her first husband didn't know anything was wrong or that he was getting divorced until that morning when he walked in to find another man in his kitchen.

 

That marriage, and its ending, nearly killed him. Even today, years later, I think losing his step-daughter is still the biggest heartbreak he has endured.

 

My best-friend's dad left her mom and is still married to his AP- this is likely 30+ years now. I can't comment on their marriage, but I can comment that he is a cr@p dad and basically lousy person. This has nothing to do with his affair- it has everything to do with all the put-downs, mind games, and terrible situations he has put my BFF through over the years. He is one of the few people who I actually fantasize about committing violence- if I could I would knock out his teeth with a baseball bat for all the hurt he did and continues to cause.

 

My BFF has been an OW a few times. The first one, she hasn't faced that she was an OW. But if he wasn't married, he was in a committed relationship where the baby momma lived with him and his mom in the same house. My BFF was madly, madly in love and in extreme denial. The fallout wrecked her health. She had a progressive disease and that situation kicked it into high gear. She has knowingly had an MM afterwards in a "sugar daddy" style. She finally ditched the whole thing and has been in an off/on again relationship since then with a very nice, available man.

 

Lastly, my old roommate is now married to her AP. They married not quite two years ago, and were together for a long time- at least 7 or 8 years- before that. She got married to someone else while she was his OW, but ended the marriage quickly and is still friends with her ex-husband. He had several affairs prior to meeting my roommate, and also at the same time had a serious drinking problem that had him in and out of rehab. On his last stint in rehab he was honest with his now ex-wife about his old and current affairs, and they agreed to divorce. He really did commit to sobriety and to my knowledge has been sober now for 6 years. My roommate and her now DH became an open couple after the divorce. I can't speak for him, but she really loves him a lot and I hope the best for them both.

 

So, the two marriages where I am familiar with all parties seem good right now. I will say that I worry for my old roommate, but mostly because of the sobriety situation and the fact that he has youngish kids. But hopefully he stays with the AA program and keeps it going- so far, so good!

 

Also, I love my FIL but he does have loose boundaries. For instance, I was recently out with him and my DH at a shop that my FIL frequents for work. He was incredibly flirtatious with the equally flirtatious young, gorgeous counter-girl. He was trying to get the counter-girl to agree to go out for drinks. It was a very uncomfortable situation for me. My DH joked but kept himself in line. Afterwards I let my DH know that if I ever found out he acted like that, there would be hell to pay. I did not want him to think that I was OK with that kind of behavior.

 

I am not saying that I think my FIL is looking for another affair, not at all! I think he is quite happy with his wife. I only mention this because I do believe that affairs often start off as friendly relationships, where the partners have loose boundaries. I can see how he might have started a relationship with his now wife, as they too met in a shop.

[HopingAgain]

In reading through all the replies about how happy the married APs seem, I had to say this: Most times when people leave their marriages and wind up married to AP they are deliriously happy....for awhile. And certainly to the public eye.But unless both parties of that couple have done some serious soul searching and changing from their previous patterns, unease and an undercurrent of mistrust is likely. When you know all a person is capable of in rough times, the good, bad, and ugly...you either choose to blind yourself to it or you can face reality headon and make sure the work is put in to decrease the likelihood of infidelity or other types of disloyalty and deceit from happening again.

[Summer Breeze]

In reading through all the replies about how happy the married APs seem, I had to say this: Most times when people leave their marriages and wind up married to AP they are deliriously happy....for awhile. And certainly to the public eye.But unless both parties of that couple have done some serious soul searching and changing from their previous patterns, unease and an undercurrent of mistrust is likely. When you know all a person is capable of in rough times, the good, bad, and ugly...you either choose to blind yourself to it or you can face reality headon and make sure the work is put in to decrease the likelihood of infidelity or other types of disloyalty and deceit from happening again.

 

I agree with this totally. DMM and I are doing just that and from what our therapist said we're basically doing the same work to safeguard our future that most reconciling couples do.

[Act Two]

I have to say when I was still considering starting a future with exOM (and we were planning), a lot of these statistics scared the crap out of me. A lot of factors made me realize how many obstacles we were up against including blending 6 children. I was terrified that my children might completely reject me if I pursued a life like this. My oldest child is 14 and I believe old enough to decide where he wants to live. My parents also told me that they would never have exOM in their home -ever. ExOM's middle son has gotten into so much trouble that it pretty much consumed their family and once that happened it began to pop the fantasy bubble of a happily ever life. Love just isn't enough sometimes.

 

Having said that, I had dinner with a good friend of mine last night. She is the product of her father, who left his first wife and six children for my friend's mother when he was 40. Her mother was 16 years younger. They are still together, 40 years later and happily in love according to my friend. It was not without consequences, however. My friend's half siblings tortured her as there was a lot of poison from the ex-wife (their mother) and they hated my friend because her mother was the OW. My friend is deaf but as a child had partial hearing, but the siblings would lock her in a closet and hide her hearing aids. She had a tough upbringing because of them and frankly she said her parents were pretty consumed with themselves and not so much into raising her. Her grandparents were initially not accepting of her mother but over time she won them over, and my friend says that she is actually their favorite grandchild. So I guess in some ways things "worked out" but there was a lot of wreckage left behind. It was the cliched mid-life crisis but stood the test of time. Not so good for the ex-wife or six kids, however.

[Got it]

I wanted to hear if anyone has any personal experience or knows of anyone that had a relationship that begin as an afair and actually went the distance or are still together and happy/healthy?

 

My last realtionship begin from an affair (we were both in miserable marriages for years) and

lasted over 3 years. We had serious trust issues. First (and only, ever, never again!) for me and not the first for her.

 

Not sure if this is the right thread to post this in but please share your thoughts and stories!

 

Well we aren't dead yet so the story is still being written but we started as an affair and moving into marriage.

 

I think for myself, I am more aware of cheating now than before so I think in any relationship I would be more vigilant. But for him, yes he did cheat on his wife, and I saw him do it, and I can say he is a terrible liar. There was very little hid and it was much more out there than I would have done or expected. I was surprised it went as long as it did before a dday.

 

I don't have serious trust issues with him and he travels for work. We are transparent with everything and we did invest in therapy even while in the affair to work on our relationship.

 

While I never will say that he won't cheat again, or myself for that matter, I am comfortable where things are now and I don't think he will. One of the pieces is finances and it is a different state now. And we both have said, having gone through all of this it is way too much effort, energy and time to not just call of the primary relationship first. We don't regret us but we regret how we started and how it hurt others and have continued to hurt others.

 

There are few guarantees in life but I am pretty happy on this one. And if it happens, I will survive and be fine as will he.

 

We have our issues, we utilize therapy when needed, and we keep trying to mutually grow the partnership. Only protection for the future I know of.

[HopingAgain]

I agree with this totally. DMM and I are doing just that and from what our therapist said we're basically doing the same work to safeguard our future that most reconciling couples do.

 

Good job! This is a step that is so needed for couples who have any type of background of infidelity in their relationship, and yes,it is very similar to the work required when reconciling. Its a step that my WS and I glossed over initially and while unfortunately, we did suffer the consequences, we are now on a path to healthier selves and a healthier, happier marriage

[eleanorrigby]

It's quite common in the sector I work in. First marriages are often referred to as "trial" or "starter" Ms, with the view that the person will find their real life partner later, and will leave the "starter" M at that point to be with that person.

 

Dang. Guess I got lucky with my "starter" "trial" husband.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I wanted to hear if anyone has any personal experience or knows of anyone that had a relationship that begin as an afair and actually went the distance or are still together and happy/healthy?

 

My last realtionship begin from an affair (we were both in miserable marriages for years) and

lasted over 3 years. We had serious trust issues. First (and only, ever, never again!) for me and not the first for her.

 

Not sure if this is the right thread to post this in but please share your thoughts and stories!

 

One of my college buddies used to be a good friend of mine. Our friendship has since fizzled out. I came to realize how narcissistic he is. He has to have the upper hand with everyone. Everything is a competition. Both wives were from a much lower position in life so that they could not threaten him. He divorced his wife and married his OW.

 

When he was having his affair I was still unaware that my wife had an affair earlier in our marriage. Once his affair and pending divorce became public knowledge I was surprised at how compassionate my wife was towards him. (Now I know why...). At that time I didn't like his situation but reserved harsh judgement.

 

He and his new wife are still married; it's been at least 7 years.

 

I was thinking about them last night while I was on a jog. What went through the OWs head that made it possible to elevate herself to the point to negate the fact that she is marrying a cheater? Did she think that she was such a great catch that he would NEVER cheat on her? Did she sell herself the notion that they were "soul mates"? What level of exceptionalism must the OW adapt in order to feel safe in their relationship?

 

Her (OW) dad did not like the idea of her precious daughter (young 20's) marrying her older boss (mid-30's) who was cheating on his wife.

 

The kids are older now so I wonder what they think about their father dumping their mother for his secretary.

 

The whole thing is so messed up that I'm surprised that they are still together.

 

The first wife soon remarried and seemed happy the last time that I saw her. It still must suck to have your children being half-raised by the OW. She was essentially replaced by another woman. Why would the OW subject herself to this volatile scenario? Why not marry a single contemporary and avoid the stigmas and negative drama?

 

A few years later I became aware of my own marital drama, and quickly dropped him as a friend.

Edited March 28, 2013 by Betrayed&Stayed

[Compromize]

I don't agree that your first marriage is a starter marriage at all. I didn't get married in the first place to get divorced, but that being said I didn't marry her because I loved her. We had a child and I thought it was the right thing to do. I was never in love with my EW. I have only ever been in love once in my life, with my EXGF/EXAP.

 

It's been 6 weeks since I have seen her or talked to her. I guess we are really over so count this one as one that didn't work. Or can I even count that it started since she is still technically married? Hmm.

 

With as many times as she left me during our relationship, I am beginning to doubt that she would have been there for the long haul anyway, without the extenuating circumstances that ended what we had. Hurts to say that and think that but here I sit alone as it is right now! Spent most of our relationship apart. And I question whether she was faithful to me now. Don't like going down that mental road but the mind does it's own thing sometimes

 

It sounds like it is more common than I thought to have AP's marry.

 

It will be interesting when I eventually have a relationship with someone else that doesn't begin with infidelity. I will tell her of my past though.

 

How many think that is something that the new person should know about? How long should you wait to tell them?

Edited March 29, 2013 by Compromize

[seren]

A trial marriage? never had one of those, I have been married three times so I guess the first trial marriage was a trial before the trial, so to speak. Please, I am glad people find happiness in second, third or whatever number marriages, but to call a failed marriage a trial marriage is, as well as being disrespectful to people in first marriages a trial before the real thing suggests that everyone is just waiting to test out marriage before the real thing. Some lucky people only ever get married once, wish I had been.

 

As for A's being the start of relationships, yes I know a couple of friends who began as A's and they are still married, one, to my knowledge has trust issues, but that's more to do with the fact that their marriage is crumbling and he knowing how she deals with that because it's how he met her. I don't think marriages from A's are any more likely to succeed than those where there was none. I am sure some have therapy beforehand, and some think they can spot the signs (some skill that) but as many of us BS can say, you just never know until you know.

 

All marriages take hard work once the sunshine and rainbows fade and they do, anyone who says it will never happen to them, A's or otherwise as starters are kidding themselves, I know, I said that too. Being in an A as a starter might make it more difficult to integrate with family, in my friend's cases this has been a problem, but it works out after time. I think it depends on the couple and their expectations.

[Summer Breeze]

Good job! This is a step that is so needed for couples who have any type of background of infidelity in their relationship, and yes,it is very similar to the work required when reconciling. Its a step that my WS and I glossed over initially and while unfortunately, we did suffer the consequences, we are now on a path to healthier selves and a healthier, happier marriage

 

I'm really glad you got past suffering the consequences. Hopefully with lots learned and having become even closer. Long may you continue down that path HA! And thank you for your kind words and wishes.