Affairs as the Start of a Relationship?

[stevie_23]

I don't have serious trust issues with him and he travels for work. We are transparent with everything and we did invest in therapy even while in the affair to work on our relationship.

 

While I never will say that he won't cheat again, or myself for that matter, I am comfortable where things are now and I don't think he will. One of the pieces is finances and it is a different state now. And we both have said, having gone through all of this it is way too much effort, energy and time to not just call of the primary relationship first. We don't regret us but we regret how we started and how it hurt others and have continued to hurt others.

 

I like this post. If you and him were having therapy even while in the affair, it shows to me a high level of commitment back then, as APs. And it shows that the previous still in existence relationships were already over and you'd shifted your focus purely to each other. I think when this happens, IF other factors are also right (like you don't have 50 kids to blend, you don't live 50000 miles away in totally different countries, cultures, etc), it really can work out. I don't see why not. Clearly you two were committed even as APs.

 

And I also like what you said about you not regretting your relationship or being together, but you do regret how it started and looking back, you should have just ended the existing relationships first. Yes. But it isn't always that easy of course. Sometimes you hold on too long. Or you don't even realise the extent of your feelings or the change in your feelings to your partner until you realise you're in love with someone else.

 

In terms of my ex-MM (who incidentally is NOT Tony Hawke! lol), he should've left his prior marriages in which he had exist affairs before being with anyone else. But for various reasons, he didn't. He stayed too long in the first one (his 2nd marriage) cause of the 2 kids and he didn't feel he should just walk out. He actually was NEVER happy or in love with the next one he cheated on (his 4th marriage) and they were only married for a few years. As soon as he realised he had feelings for his now current wife, he left that marriage. And then of course, he was with me for 2 years out of his current wife's 4 year relationship (including a 6 month marriage that's still continuing). Not sure what'll happen with him next...

[analystfromhell]

Sure you're looking for success stories but I'm not sure this will be one of them. My current wife and started out as an exit affair- I was on the verge of and then actually separated from my previous wife and embroiled in the huge drama which surrounds and engulfs you during divorce.

 

Roll forward a decade- my ex is still a thorn in my side, my current wife has already had a EA which she ended, if at all, then certainly with reluctance and now the marriage is, even after nearly two years of therapy, very much on the rocks.

 

It's really, really hard for me to not internalize all of this. Realistically there's clearly a huge part of me which is behind all of this. That doesn't excuse my partners' role in both debacles but leads me to suspect marriages born of affairs are at higher risk and the folks involved will nearly always have relationship issues eventually.

[Compromize]

Not quite....

Sure you're looking for success stories but I'm not sure this will be one of them. My current wife and started out as an exit affair- I was on the verge of and then actually separated from my previous wife and embroiled in the huge drama which surrounds and engulfs you during divorce.

 

Roll forward a decade- my ex is still a thorn in my side, my current wife has already had a EA which she ended, if at all, then certainly with reluctance and now the marriage is, even after nearly two years ok if therapy, very much on the rocks.

 

It's really, really hard for me to not internalize all of this. Realistically there's clearly a huge part of me which is behind all of this. That doesn't excuse my partners' role in both debacles but leads me to suspect marriages born of affairs are at higher risk and the folks involved will nearly always have relationship issues eventually.

 

Analystfromhell, I hold no disillusionment from relationships starting from affairs actually goig the distance successfully. The quote "the biggest indicator of future behavior is past behavior" hangs around in my mind. I guess it's better to be hurt now than later when we actually share things and a home together and pick up the pieces then. We have broken up around 7 - 8 times with her being the one to initiate all but one time. I don't know why I thought things would be any different with me. Love. I thought love was enough but it's not enough. There was no trust between us, she trusted me less than I trusted her and no matter what I did she would not, could not trust me. I am beginning to believe that was because she could not trust herself.

 

I think there are very few "success" stories where relationships that begin as affairs are concerned. I had my heart ripped out in my case. I feel that after the pain I caused my kids and my ex wife I deserve this though and a big part of me hopes that my ex GF works things out with her husband for her kids sake. I know they still love each other.

Edited March 29, 2013 by Compromize