Having trouble being objective, is he OK or a waste of time

[sillysally]

I've been on here before to discuss this guy I'm seeing, I just need some objective input. I don't know if this is normal in the beginning of a relationship or if i'm a big sucker...

 

We've been dating 2 1/2 months, he lives an hour away from me, we are both 33. We've only had sex twice, he wanted to wait for a while. One thing that bothers me is his very busy social life. I only see him about once a week, maybe twice, but the rest of the week he is either working or hanging out with his many friends.

 

This might threaten me because I feel like I don't have that many friends. But he has so many people calling him and wanting to hang out, and sometimes it feels like he puts more effort into seeing his friends than seeing me. Or maybe I feel like he could include me more in his social life. I have met and hung out with most of his friends but sometimes I'll see him on a Friday and then won't hear from him for a few days.

 

We sort of talked about this and he admitted that he always has something going on and that's not going to change. He wants to take things slow and does not want to define the relationship right now. Is this typical for the beginning of a relationship? I feel like a part time girlfriend right now. Maybe I just want things to happen too fast, but I'm scared to invest time in someone and then it will just stay casual and go no where.

 

I don't know if this made sense but I feel better just getting it out. Thanks for any input.

[snilljente]

I dated someone like this before...he was 41...I think for some people, having a ton of "friends", people constantly calling and staying "busy" are very important to their self esteem...meaning they need that constant reinforcement that they are liked...my guy hadn't had a successful relationship that lasted over a year, but he justified this by saying that his friends were such an important part of his life..I had the same doubts about myself...i.e. what's wrong with me that I don't have as many friends, am not as busy..etc...and I cam to the conclusion that the frantic lifestyle that he was living was not something I would want and that I have a select group of friends because life is busy with work and family, etc...and I am picky about who I spend my free time with..I think that this pace and spending this time with "friends" can be a person's way of making sure that they don't get "too close" to someone on an intimate level..thoughts?

[sillysally]

That may be true, I think he does need a lot of friends and it may be a self esteem issue. And that makes me feel like a loser because I compare myself to him and his social life and think "I want that!" And that's probably why I like spending time with him. I really feel like I need to get a life and find something that I am passionate about, but I don't know what that is.

[spanishlover]

Sally,

 

I also have a heavy social life and dont have much time for relatioships but at least from the start he has told you that he wont change. He has laid down the honesty which you probabley need to decide what you want out of this relationship. I think he has it right as in he dont want to define the relatioship as of yet. Maybe he dont know what he wants yet , and "take it slow" is his way to say im not sure what i want.

 

I think you should hang on for a little longer. Maybe say to him that you would like to spend the whole wekend with him. If he says " well im doing something" ask if it would be ok to come along. Or try and set a wekend and specific date to when you will spend the whole weekend together. If he still after you trying sooo hard to get to know him better and hang out dose not want to then maybe its time to throw in the towl.

 

 

Dean

[sillysally]

Thanks for your advice, it gave me some clarity. I called him and asked him to come over today and stay the night since we both have today and tomorrow off. He said no for today (I don't even know what he had planned-mowing the lawn??), and MAYBE for tomorrow. That was a big signal. So I just said OK, I'll talk to you later. Then I thought about it for a while and then sent him an e-mail with my thoughts. Kind of a break up e-mail but we didn't really have a serious relationship anyway. And yes I should have called him but we've talked about this issue before and nothing changed. So it was a nice e-mail, I just said that I want to be with someone who wants to spend more time with me, I think he's a great guy, I understand bla bla bla, and told him that he does not have to respond if he didn't want to.

 

But I really feel that a weight has been lifted. I don't have to worry anymore about when I'm going to see him or if he likes me. Maybe I analyse too much and I should just be single for a while.

[spanishlover]

Im glad that you feel better Sally. You sound like all your thoughts and energy went into trying to sort this out . Oh well if you have done it now and you fell better for it. Oh yea being single is gr8

 

Good luck.

 

P.s if you ever get a reply. let us know how you get on

[sillysally]

Yes I felt like the beginning of a relationship should be the time when you are walking on air, you are that happy! But for me I was always frustrated. And yes I obsessed about it and analyzed it to death, and I didn't want to be that person. I am independent now, that was the old me!! I'm nervous because I am 33 and want very much to have a husband and kids. I really can't afford to waste time with a wishy washy man. I hope I did the right thing.

[snilljente]

I too overanaylize...someone said something very wise to be about trying to analize someone's behavior and figure out the answers......here it is:

 

"She said we are possibly looking for answers that don't exist, meaning, that even if we were to talk to the other person, they themselves might not even know the answers as to why they are acting the way that they are/or how they are feeling...She said, he can't give you answers, because he doesn't have them himself...if he did, he would have communicated with you about why he was doing what he was doing....She said that he is likely so confused and/or out of touch with his own feelings that he can't communicate what he himself doesn't understand...and that I can spend years trying to figure it out, but WOULD I EVER WANT TO BE WITH A MAN AGAIN who deals with situations/other people in this way...

 

Pretty wise if you ask me.....

[spanishlover]

Sally 33 still isnt old, Be grateful for what you have at this moment in time. A husband a kids will come along. its just not your time yet.

 

Unfotunatly there is a thing called destiny which we already have a pre- determined road to go along. This sounds like its comming from the film "the matrix" but i dont like the idea of desatiny as Neo says " i dont like the fact that im not in control of my life"

 

Now even though i dont like the idea of it i do accept the fact that its there and we are all going down this road. Now your time will come its just a matter of when. Also another thing as well the more you want it and look for it, the longer it will seem before it turns up.

 

Just get on with your life as normal and enjoy every part of it and "mr right" will arrive one day, you wait and see!

[thatgirl]

Sally

 

It is rather interesting to read your story since I feel that I am exactly like your boyfriend but playing the role as a female. Now I will share what I think your boyfriend is feeling because I feel I can relate in moderation. I too am engaged in a very large social environment. It has nothing to do with a self esteem issue whether you have too little of friends or too many. Your boyfriend is not ready to commit or go forward into any type of serious relationship. I have always believed that if your significant other does not bring you out to social engagements, more than likely that person enjoys being single or at least acting single when out with friends. I know it is hard to hear this...but I just wanted you to be prepared that it if you continue with your boyfriend more than likely things are not going to change. So why should you sacrifice. Make yourself unavailable the next time he calls or asks you out. Boys always need a challenge.

[sillysally]

Really, you believe in the whole destiny thing? Like maybe my man is out there I just haven't met him yet? And some magnetic force will eventually pull us together? Hmmmmmm....interesting notion, I'll have to think about that!

 

Snilljente-who wrote that? That is very cool and well said. Thanks, I feel a lot better. And I think being analytical is good, don't you? But not obsessive (there's a fine line, I know)...

[sillysally]

Thanks thatgirl, that's the feeling I was getting. And I tried the whole "I'm busy" thing a few times, and it worked temporarily. So that's why I just called it quits.

[spanishlover]

Originally posted by sillysally

Really, you believe in the whole destiny thing? Like maybe my man is out there I just haven't met him yet? And some magnetic force will eventually pull us together? Hmmmmmm....interesting notion, I'll have to think about that!

 

Snilljente-who wrote that? That is very cool and well said. Thanks, I feel a lot better. And I think being analytical is good, don't you? But not obsessive (there's a fine line, I know)...

 

Yea i do believe in it. I cant say i like the whole idea myself but i believe things happen for a reason. And they just have there way of working them selves out. Think of a big problem thats happend to you in your life. back then it was a the worst thing that could happen. Well your still standing here today, and youmay look back and say no big deal cos it worked out ok.

 

So as i said, dont wait for it to happen. Just get on with your life and it will happen for you.

[Papillon]

Sillysally,

 

Thirty-three is not a tender young age. As you know yourself, it's generally the age most people start getting serious about relationships, and want to start settling down and look to the future.

 

It sounds to me like your man is still too preoccupied with the present, and you have to ask yourself whether he will be able to function independently of his friends. Some people just aren't able to do that - the 10 million pals is simply a social support group with a facade of having fun.

 

I wouldn't waste any time. Granted, the relationship is still in it's infancy, but, if he cannot be all starry-eyed about you NOW, while it's still in the puppy-love phase, how do you think it's going to be in the FUTURE?

 

I think you should ask him outright what his long term commitment to you is. If he vaccilates, or avoids the question, then make like little kitty and give him the finger.

[sillysally]

Yeah pap, I asked him before a few weeks ago, he just said that he wasn't comfortable defining the relationship and let's just hang out and have fun and see what happens. I gave it a few more weeks and now I've had enough. I sent him that e-mail saying I was done, and he has not responded.

 

Just to touch on the topic of BAGGAGE and how it effects perspective....my last relationship lasted a year and a half. Everything was wonderful and finally, after about a year, we had a serious talk about the future. He said that he doesn't really ever see himself getting married or having kids. I said WELL WHERE DO YOU SEE THIS GOING THEN!!?? He said, well I though we would just hang out until it wasn't fun anymore. Exact quote. And I stil hung on for another six months because he suggested that we live together, but THAT never hapened either.

 

So when I hear someone tell me let's just have fun and see what happens, I want to scream. This time I nipped it in the bud instead of investing so much time nothing. Am I being rational?

[Papillon]

Totally rational.

 

You just have to think carefully whether it's what you REALLY want (settling down, I mean), or do you just expect it to be that way because, well, that's what's "normally supposed to happen".

 

You could be throwing away a great relationship just because you have the IDEA that you want to get serious....

 

Just a thought. Use it, don't use it....

[sillysally]

I THINK I want to settle down, but that's true, I am affected by social pressures. I know singledom is a lot more comon these days but honestly somedays I feel like such a loser because I don't have a husband and family, and it seems like everyone else my age does!!

 

But as for that guy I was seeing, my intuition was just telling me that he did not care for me a great deal. I am soooooo paranoid about being a sucker or being taken advantage of or taken for granted that I probably have ended relationships prematurely. But this time I went with my gut (I think). He was kind of inconsiderate sometimes. How old are you pap, if you don't mind my asking?

[sillysally]

He responded to my e-mail, this is what I wrote:

 

[color=blue]Hey, I just wanted to let you know some of my thoughts recently about our situation. I'm not feeling very good about it. I really like being with you and I think we have a great time together. But today (Sunday) I invited you to XXXX town and you declined, but "maybe" tomorrow. That is how it is most weekends. I will see you on Friday, and then nothing the rest of the week.

 

I'm not looking for a once a week boyfriend. Sorry I used that word, I know we don't even have a real relationship for you cannot "define" it right now. I feel like we have such a casual relationship, and I don't get any inclination that it might evolve. I don't know how you feel about me, or if you even have any substantial feelings for me.

 

I know we've talked about this before, that's why I didn't think we needed another huge discussion. I know where you are coming from and your reasons. But I'm looking for something more, I guess someone that at least wants to spend more time with me. I am not upset with you, you have been completely honest with me from the beginning and thanks for that. Don't feel that you have to respond to this, only if you want to. But take care, I think you are a great person.[/color]

 

He wrote back:

 

[color=green]I know that our paths have seemed different since we have met, and I am sorry that you arent feeling good about it. As for yesterday specifically, I really wasnt feeling very much like going anywhere; I just had one of those days where I wanted to stay home, probably still recovering from how I felt Saturday...anyway, I do feel like we have a good time together and I enjoy being around you. I see that we have different perspectives now, but I'm not convinced that mine won't change; my feelings often do. I don't know what that says about me but...I understand your point of view and I hope that we can still hang out, I will also understand if you want to take a break for a while, although I don't want to. Please know that I like you and think you are a great, fun person. [/color]

 

 

 

What do you think he meant by "my feelings often do"???

[Papillon]

I think that he meant that his perspective on his "singledom" won't change soon, but that his feelings for you probably swing back and forth

 

It seems to me that you threw him a lifeline, and offered him an escape route door that he was happy to accept. Well, that's my take on it.

 

P.S. I'm 27

[sillysally]

U R probably right. The truth hurts UGH!!