Any success stories of getting back together?

[imconfused13]

Does anyone have any success stories about getting back together after a break up and needing space? I'd love to hear them to help keep myself hopeful. (My ex and I are in our late 30's for age reference)

 

My girlfriend, who suffers with abandonment issues, said she didn't know how she felt about us after a year together and needed some space. After a few days of no contact she texted me. She has contacted me everyday since for the last 3 weeks. Just friendly chit chat, nothing serious.

 

She doesnt talk about how she feels, only saying she doesn't mind spending time with me and seeing where it might go. We have hung out a few times, she inititated all hang outs and all contact since the break up. We don't talk about the relationship, no flirting, no touching, more like how we were when we first met.

 

I know she isn't after some other guy, and that she really does want to work through the issues that she has with everything. She has asked me not to be pushy with her, and that she knows I want things to be like they were, and that she wishes things were different as well. She told me she would understand if I ran out of patience waiting for her to figure things out and if I wanted to move on.

 

I'm not asking for advice and for people to say move on and don't text her back. I am in love with this woman, and I want her to know someone in her life will finally be there for her no matter what. Through the good and the bad. To stop talking to her will only make her feel abandoned yet again. She isn't playing mind games with me, she is struggling with things in her past and trying to figure things out. I can see that and I am understanding of it. And I don't play games with people either. Period.

 

I am choosing to be there for her when she needs me and I will remain hopeful that she will be able to overcome her past and see a future for us. She may end up not being able to be with me romantically, but because I love her I am doing what I think is best for her right now and I am choosing to take the chance and remain hopeful.

 

I would really like to hear some stories about others who have had success in getting back together and dealing with someone you love who struggles with abandonment.

 

Thanks and I look forward to reading some of your stories.

[Lostint]

I don't have a success story for you but just wanted to say I admire you. I'm also in my late thirties and I think anyone's who got to this age without settling down probably has some unresolved issues or emotional baggage. I don't think the stock response of break off all contact and move on is appropriate for us. Some issues can only be dealt with while you're in a relationship - its not like you can go away and be single and do some work on yourself and suddenly you're going to be fixed. Especially if your issues are something along the lines of fear of abandonment. Of course, time to reflect and understand your behavior is important, but every new skill requires practice and you can only practice some of them in a relationship. Otherwise it's all theoretical. If that makes any sense.

[imconfused13]

I do agree with you. Sometimes you do have to work through things while being in a relationship. And as hard as it is sometimes, you have to give the other person the space they need to work on things, even if it means there is a chance they won't come back.

 

Being at this age it impossible to find someone or be someone who does not have any emotional baggage, it sucks but it is the truth. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

[thefooloftheyear]

I think the whole "need some space" is just a total bunch of bs. Its a boilerplate excuse for ending the relationship without hurting the other persons feelings. People who truly care for each other dont want to give the other person "space"..They want them in their lives snd look forward to the support their significant other can offer ..

 

I hate that saying...

 

TFOY

[imconfused13]

I don't care for the expression either, but sadly it is a neccessity for some people. While more often than not these words do spell doom for the relationship, but in rare circumstances it can mean just what it says. Some people do not want to lash out and hurt the person they care about while they work things out that have nothing to do with the other person.

 

Also I was hoping for some positive stories and feedback, not more of the negatives I see everywhere.

[RiceaRoni]

I think those who do have sucess stories either moved on from LS (not needing the support anymore) or have failed with their "sucessful" reconcilliation and don't want to face the humiliation of being fooled twice..

 

Just my thoughts

[ForeverHopeful1]

Yep! My hubby went through severe issues with abandonment and even went as far as putting it on me even though I was the only solid person in his life. I still am. It has been extremely hard on him and we have worked through it over the years. We also met at a young age. We were 19 and 22 and are going to be 29 and 32 this year.

 

We have worked through a lot of our issues and some of them are due to his issues with abandonment. His father was never around and abandoned him at a young age. His mother was a drug addict and decided to get clean when he was 12, leaving him with his grandmother and going to Texas for a year. She just picked up and left. He didnt even get to say goodbye. She was just gone. So everyone he truly cared about picked up and left him, without explanation. Why would I be any different, right? Well, I was and you can show her you are too. It is clear you love her dearly. I dont know why everyone here seems to say "get out, run away, give up on that person." It seems to be pretty overwhelming reading through all the posts about giving up on the person you love dearly. At what point did giving up on everyone become so normal?

 

Well, I was different. I was then and still am very in love with my hubby. We have broken up in the past before we wed, so I am not going to sit here and say that everything has been butterflies and lollipops and we have had to work through a lot of things together. I have forever been here, and been rock solid for him and I commend you for doing the same. He hasnt had it easy and it isnt his fault or mine that he was treated so poorly growing up. It doesnt make me love him any less though. I am not here to save him and he had a lot of work to do on his own, and had to realize that he was pushing me away and treating me like I was just going to leave like everyone else and that putting that on me was not fair either as I have never ended things.

 

We have been together for 9 years and through the ups and downs, we have pulled through and been solid for one another. I cannot say our relationship hasnt taken work, but what relationship is ALWAYS easy? A fake one! Lol.

 

He has told me the same things your partner has told you and we have worked through them. He never wanted to hurt me and I can accept that so long as we were moving forward trying to repair things and help him. What I didnt want was for me to continue going through the pain of losing him (or thinking I had lost him) because someone else in his life had hurt him. I felt offended and upset with the way things had gone down because I was always there for him but was being treated like I wasnt. So there were definitely things that he needed to work through as well.

 

Show her you are here. Show her you are solid. Be open about your feelings and what you want. Let her know you love her dearly. Let her know you arent leaving and let her know that no matter how hard she pushes, your feelings wont change. xoxoxox

 

It seems like as people read stories on here, their first thought is "just leave and end it and move on." How horrible is that? If rolls were reversed, I would have appreciated him sticking it out, even though I had some issues to deal with. You dont just leave the person you love!

[imconfused13]

Thank you so much for your story. That is the kind of thing I was hoping to read. As hard as it is I am doing everything I can to let her know I am here and there is nowhere else I want to be. I know that I am not perfect and that everyone has their issues they must deal with. I remain hopeful that she will work through it and see that I was, am, and always will be there for her. And yes I do love her dearly.

 

I don't know why people are so quick to give up on someone, unless that in reality they did not really feel love. To me loving someone is putting thier feelings above yours even if it isn't going to always be what you want. Sometimes needing space is needing space. Not giving the other what they ask for is what ruins things.

 

I am glad you and your husband made it through everything and are both stronger together for it. Your story is an inspiration. Best wishes and thank you again for sharing

[polyglot]

Thank you so much for your story. That is the kind of thing I was hoping to read. As hard as it is I am doing everything I can to let her know I am here and there is nowhere else I want to be. I know that I am not perfect and that everyone has their issues they must deal with. I remain hopeful that she will work through it and see that I was, am, and always will be there for her. And yes I do love her dearly.

 

I don't know why people are so quick to give up on someone, unless that in reality they did not really feel love. To me loving someone is putting thier feelings above yours even if it isn't going to always be what you want. Sometimes needing space is needing space. Not giving the other what they ask for is what ruins things.

 

I am glad you and your husband made it through everything and are both stronger together for it. Your story is an inspiration. Best wishes and thank you again for sharing

 

It's true at this age, everybody has got some or the other kind of emotional baggage. I can't say if you should wait, but not a good idea. Like thefooloftheyear pointed out, it generally means that. In my case it was true, I had to ask and find that out. Can't help brother. Have to deal with it. People don't get clingy at this age, so you have no way of knowing if she likes you or something. Find somebody else for your life.

[imconfused13]

While I appreciate your thoughts, she has let me know that she does care about me. She has given me the oppotunity to move on, and I have chosen not to give up on her. While I understand some, maybe most, people would chose to move on, I want what is best for her. When she gives up on us, I will do the same. Until then I will be there for her in any way I can. Love is not always easy, sometimes it's messy and it hurts more than anything.

[Simon Phoenix]

I don't care for the expression either, but sadly it is a neccessity for some people. While more often than not these words do spell doom for the relationship, but in rare circumstances it can mean just what it says. Some people do not want to lash out and hurt the person they care about while they work things out that have nothing to do with the other person.

 

Also I was hoping for some positive stories and feedback, not more of the negatives I see everywhere.

 

I don't buy this at all. I'm sure it's happened once or twice, but a healthy relationship would have discussed all of this and gotten to the bottom of it way before taking "space". Space isn't indicative of a healthy, loving relationship.

 

I don't mean to fart in your Cheerios, but "I need space" is something that is in the "It's not you, it's me" class of breakup cliches.

[Jon Lock]

I have to say that I tend to agree with the above. The whole 'space' issue for me is very much a "lite" version of a 'break', which in turn is a 'blow-softener' in my opinion. I see it very black and white; you either want to be with someone or you don't. In saying that, I know of couples who took a 'break' for a few months, didn't see anyone else in the meantime, got back together, and it's working (albeit for now). But is this how they are going to deal with issues if they ever get married or as the relationship progresses and matures?

 

I see a 'break' as a move by a person who isn't sure any more about how they feel and are moving (whether they like it or not) towards a break up of the relationship (be it at that very moment or in a few weeks or months after). But I also see it as a very immature and naive action and something that you often see in young couples.

 

People break up all the time, and some do reconcile years down the line. It's a funny thing to try and understand, but it does happen. People change, they grow and they mature and sometimes this facilitates a reconciliation and a brand new start. But I think a 'break' just precedes the inevitable - a break-up.

 

I'm sure many people may throw the negativity stone at me here...

[Treasa]

Oh sure, my ex did the same thing to me that your ex is doing to you. We got back together FIVE TIMES, meaning we broke up six times. Every time was pretty much just as you described.

 

I was finally too exhausted to stay on that emotional teeter-totter, got some self-respect, and ignored him. I've been NC ever since that day.

 

No one gets second chances from me anymore. You throw me away now, you damn well better mean it, because I'm not coming back. I don't get thrown away anymore.

[OwlSoul]

I wonder whether people did feel deep down inside that it is the end after certain break-ups. Like, you might have hope and etc., but you just know it.

 

Also, in other cases you feel like it is not the end, even if you feel really bad, hopeless and miserable. You just damn know it

 

If the last one is true, there is a chance of getting back together, I believe.

 

But being together further depends on how the dumpee has changed since the break-up: stopped seeing the partner as the only one emotional booster; returned self-confidence; gained some social status; became more attractive physically and etc. in order to balance out the gap of attractiviness between the partners.

 

Honestly, you would not want to leave or avoid someone whom you would find very attractive. Usually, the one who is younger, socially more active, more appreciated by others, socially higher and etc. is the dumper.