He's Back, what now?

[shabrown124]

Your advice would be greatly appreciated-

We have heard of the love that we lost; I can say I have experienced that great love. The kind where your heart acts as a sensor that is linked to theirs; where you can almost feel changes in their core temperature. Our brains, ethics, emotions, libidos - seemed so in tune it was frightening, and there laid the problem. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop; for him to reveal that there was something he couldn't deal with- a complaint. I had previously been in a ten year marriage (as had he), gotten divorced over one year before meeting him (as had he), was working as a special ed teacher (as was he), can you see what I mean.. this pattern continues. We started looking at rings even.

Now I understand most people at this point might have just thanked their lucky stars, clasped their hands and jumped in.. and i did, and we bagan making plans for me to move over 600 miles to miami.. where i had visited, loved it, etc. But when my sponsor mother had two strokes within a month and a half, (which occurred during our third month in) I reacted so stubbornly and emotionally.. I nearly rented a hotel room the night i got the call about her, rather than stay with him though i hadn't went more than five miles away from his house. I ended up staying with him that night and flew out the next morning, but i felt so unsure about leaning on him, and learned from that experience that feeling unsure as i had been was not a good sign for me to move into his life. Also I had met none of his friends or family, he had met none of mine, and I felt uncomfortable with that. He had never visited me; I had always travel the distance to see him; all of these things made me unsure, and so slowly, I started backing away, though more passive aggressive than directly. I cancelled employment meetings in the schoold district, stopped my transcripts, etc.

It was these actions that began our break up, and over the course of the next three months, he cancelled our arrangements to see each other three times, though non-refund. tickets had been purchased, etc.

As a very independent woman, I felt certain that I was making a positive decision in choosing not to jump in, that it would survive the period if we concentrated on overcoming these uncertainties. When I addressed it with him, he responded with consquential doubts of his own (such as feeling more unsure than he had since his last marriage). But what could never be overcome was the feeling of always being in sync, even in our doubts, and that no love had been lost; we were each just too practically minded to sign on unsure. It came down to trust...

We broke up, and I could not contact him.. I just couldn't talk to him though we said we would stay in touch. And then nearly two weeks ago, he reappeared and wanted to talk. It began casual, friendly-like, but was torturous all the same because none of the connection has past. So I addressed this in the form of an email, to which he responded (no surprise) that he had been feeling much the same way and was unsure as to my feeling. Tonight we had another "talk", more serious at first than the last few jovial exchanges. He stated that he, like I, wasn't sure of the context of our relationship, after all we split on the trust, the commitment.. but otherwise we were in love. So how to be friends... I find this confusing. I find that I think highly of him, I respect what he does, who he is in his life, etc.. but am still unsure of the commitment... yet we have both admitted that if this was not so long distance, we might very well be living in the same house and working this out as an invested couple.

So they say let ot go and if it comes back it was meant... neither one of us has committed to take the plunge.. he is unsure, I am unsure, I am unsure because he is unsure.. and he the same as I.. what do two people in this situation do?

We are both people who are successful and invested where we are. We also have a great love... seems like it's all about the risk.. . I can work on remaining friends, though it is awkward for us both, and other feelings still seep into our conversations Every now and then he still calls just to wish me a goodnight... But yet he won't say what I know is there... and so I don't want to push; I don't want to hope; eventually I just dislike considering it. I'll take the risk if he will,, but how do I know when to make this clear or how do I follow the course of a friendship, loving him and hoping that passionate love subsides replaced by camaraderie? He's so rare; I'd love him in my life as a friend at minimum, and he too is unable to let go... what do i do?

[sameo]

I think you should give it time. If it's that good for each of you, he will respond. Seems to me that if he contacted you, he's needing something too... especially from 600 miles away, just stay aware.