Rug pulled out from under me

[Wickedgurl]

Hi everyone. I hate that I even needed to find this forum.

6 weeks ago my husband of 20 years decided that he wanted a divorce 3 months before our only child graduates from highschool and we were to begin the second chapter of our life together. He told me he's not happy and needs to move on. He's 41. I'm 44. We've had our ups and downs like all ppl do and while I'm not an overly affectionate clingy person, he told me my lack of affection has driven him away. Keep in mind, I work full time, am always home for my family and enjoy reading and knitting and have a wicked sense of humor and I love spending time with my child. Dinner was always ready, laundry done etc and i rubbed his hands and feet every night for years bc he's a laborer. I'd lost 35 pounds and at 116# think I'm am attractive person. All my friends tell me he's having a midlife crisis and even our counselor says he really has no clue why he's unhappy. Any input from men of this age or any woman that's gone or or going thru this would be great. I was devastated. I am doing better and realize that he is very controlling and narcissistic. So while I am seeing a light at the end I am still scared and hurt. Thanks all

[FazedOut]

Sorry you are here...no advice from me, but I know how scary & awful the situation is. Just wanted to say hang in there, keep posting, and do lots of reading. I'm sure others with a lot more experience than myself can give you some support.

BIG Hugs to you!

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm not an overly affectionate clingy person, he told me my lack of affection has driven him away. Keep in mind, I work full time, am always home for my family and enjoy reading and knitting and have a wicked sense of humor and I love spending time with my child. Dinner was always ready, laundry done etc and i rubbed his hands and feet every night for years bc he's a laborer. I'd lost 35 pounds and at 116# think I'm am attractive person.

You've talked about everything but sex. Was that an issue and area of contention between the two of you?

 

Mr. Lucky

[2sunny]

Sounds like he's cheating - look further!

[trippi1432]

Welcome to LS and apologies you have had to find it under these circumstances.

 

Several things you stated in your opening post....he stated your lack of affection and the fact that you are seeing he was controlling and narcissistic. Midlife crisis...perhaps. An affair...maybe, but my question is did he ever fulfill your needs since you seem to have been doing it all for him and your family? Outside of the bedroom....where no man is ever satisfied with what their "friends" brag about, what did he really bring to the table other than you doing for him?

[tojaz]

Keep in mind, I work full time, am always home for my family and enjoy reading and knitting and have a wicked sense of humor and I love spending time with my child. Dinner was always ready, laundry done etc and i rubbed his hands and feet every night for years bc he's a laborer. I'd lost 35 pounds and at 116# think I'm am attractive person.

Im just throwing this out there as a guy, but are these things that you list what was important to him or what you assumed would be important to him? The two are rarely the same unless those things are being communicated freely.

 

 

I am doing better and realize that he is very controlling and narcissistic.

 

I'd like to hear more about this, what have you realized and how did you come to realize it?

 

TOJAZ

[hardplace]

My situation isn't quite like yours, but...

 

I told my wife many times that I needed lots more and intense physical affection. She worked hard at taking care of everything like bills, cleaning, cooking, trash, etc, everything except what I asked for. She just isn't that kind of person and I don't think she understands how important that is because she can't relate.

 

I tried to find other respectable outlets for a dozen years (hobbies, etc), got depressed, and when someone else came along who gave me that, it instantly revealed a chasm between my wife and I. It didn't create the chasm, it just revealed what was there all along.

 

If your husband was controlling and self centered, it's possible the same thing happened to him except he didn't bother to tell you what was wrong, or give you time to do anything about it. I can see that happening if someone is self absorbed.

 

I believe good communications is the starting point in most cases but controlling people have difficulty doing that. It's unfair to expect someone to read minds, but some people do have that attitude. Best of luck.

[FazedOut]

I feel for you because I did all the wrong things to show my husband I loved him (cooking, cleaning, errands, friendship, spending time doing activities together, regular intimacy ,faithfulness, reliability)....but that want what he needed, apparently, yet he never told me WHAT he DID want (I still don't know, 6 months after separating...because we STILL haven't talked rationally about it...or about our relationship at all, really, since January. I told him I'd walk to the Ends of the Earth for him & his only response was , "I just dont see it").

It's all very frustrating, especially when you dont know exactly WHY your whole world is turning upside down!!!

Edited March 28, 2013 by FazedOut

[Gunny376]

FazedOut;4737812]I feel for you because I did all the wrong things to show my husband I loved him (cooking, cleaning, errands, friendship, spending time doing activities together, regular intimacy ,faithfulness, reliability)....but that want what he needed, apparently, yet he never told me WHAT he DID want (I still don't know, 6 months after separating...because we STILL haven't talked rationally about it...or about our relationship at all, really, since January. I told him I'd walk to the Ends of the Earth for him & his only response was , "I just dont see it").

It's all very frustrating, especially when you dont know exactly WHY your whole world is turning upside down!!!

 

Its taken me many ~ many a year to get it into my deluxe brain housing group and compute that it wasn't me, nor anything that I neccearly did or didn't do. I was absolutely the best husband that I could have been and knew to be at the time. I gave her everything and bought her everything that I thought and knew she wanted and needed.

 

I had a good job in which I was rapidly (at the time) moving up the food chain. I didn't drink, drink up nor gamble away the rent nor grocery money? I was a good father and the husband. I was a good provider for her and my family. I didn't run around on her, lay out with my buddies, put any hobbies ~ for that fact even myself before her and the children.

 

Still it wasn't enough. I was told that I had to change ~ but was never once told how and in what ways? Even then when she told me this ~ it was after she was already gone. I was told I was trying to "buy her love and affection?"

 

You know what? She's just a selfish, self-centered, can't pacify, can't please, can't satisfy, can't make her happy no matter what you do nor how you try? She was that way 23 years ago and she's still that way today? And she's going to die that way and that's all there is too it! That's just the way she is?

 

Old boy got her now, and she gets meaner, uglier, older, sicker, more selfish, more self-centered, insecure, parinoid with each passing day? But he wanted her and he got her?

 

So I guess that makes him "tha Winner!"

[Shocked Suzie]

I feel for you because I did all the wrong things to show my husband I loved him (cooking, cleaning, errands, friendship, spending time doing activities together, regular intimacy ,faithfulness, reliability)....but that want what he needed, apparently, yet he never told me WHAT he DID want (I still don't know, 6 months after separating...because we STILL haven't talked rationally about it...or about our relationship at all, really, since January. I told him I'd walk to the Ends of the Earth for him & his only response was , "I just dont see it").

It's all very frustrating, especially when you dont know exactly WHY your whole world is turning upside down!!!

 

Sounds like me n my life! Think Gunny had hit the nail on the head at the end of his post! Not worth trying to figure it out! Not worth the brain power!

 

Happy Easter all x

[Wickedgurl]

Bedroom wise things were slower when our child was little but once she got older and was gone more things picked up. 1-3 times a week and usually initiated by me. As far as knowing he was a narcissist - I read the profile of what one is and he fit every description. And when I think about it- I was always trying to please him. He never told me nice things or even gave me little love notes. He felt he provided financially (I work full time mind you) and therefore the burden to show love was on me. Whomever wrote The Five Love languages should be hit upside the head with it! What happened to being appreciative of what the other person tries to do to show love. Sorry it's not how HE thought it should be shown, but when I asked he just said"you should know what I want". Now I'm Karnack? I realize I'm better being without him, but I hate that a family is splitting bc my child didn't deserve this when we had her. Thanks for all the input. I appreciate it.

[Wickedgurl]

Ps. Our marriage counselor told me to run. Run fast and run far bc he'll never be happy with anyone bc he's miserable.

Edited March 29, 2013 by Wickedgurl
Misspelled

[tojaz]

So what is it your looking for on LS?

[Wickedgurl]

Knowing I'm not alone in this struggle.

[trippi1432]

Knowing I'm not alone in this struggle.

 

You aren't alone....you got stuck in trying to please someone who couldn't be pleased. That's not on you, that's on him.

 

Here's what you have:

 

A: He is miserable

B: You can't fix that.

 

A: I do the best I can to make life better as a family.

B: He's still unhappy....his problem

 

A: He's not happy and wants to blame it on me

B: Still his problem.

 

My son's counselor only spent 10 minutes with my ex-husband and gave me her sincere apologies of what I went through for 15 years. She said I would be happier without such a miserable person in my life...you know what, she was right. Good men, the ones worth keeping, don't have time to criticize and compare their life to other men...they are participating in the lives they proposed to and helped to create.

 

You're life shouldn't revolve around pleasing everyone. It's a MOM thing that women get stuck in. Learn that it's okay to please yourself and take care of your child within parental limits of what is acceptable.

Edited March 29, 2013 by trippi1432

[Gunny376]

Its one thing to be narcisstic? I would guess that we all can be to one extent or the other ~ at one point in time in our lives ~ we're only human. Its another to be truly flawed. After years of "thunkin' and even a considerable amount of drinking and "thunkin' ~ I've come to the conclusion that that the Dearly Beloved XHEX has NPD ~ Narcistic Personality Disorder.

 

 

Symptoms

 

By Mayo Clinic staff

Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by dramatic, emotional behavior, which is in the same category as antisocial and borderline personality disorders.

 

 

 

Narcissistic personality disorder symptoms may include:

• Believing that you're better than others
  
• Fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness
  
• Exaggerating your achievements or talents
  
• Expecting constant praise and admiration
  
• Believing that you're special and acting accordingly
  
• Failing to recognize other people's emotions and feelings
  
• Expecting others to go along with your ideas and plans
  
• Taking advantage of others
  
• Expressing disdain for those you feel are inferior
  
• Being jealous of others
  
• Believing that others are jealous of you
  
• Trouble keeping healthy relationships
  
• Setting unrealistic goals
  
• Being easily hurt and rejected
  
• Having a fragile self-esteem
  
• Appearing as tough-minded or unemotional
  

Although some features of narcissistic personality disorder may seem like having confidence or strong self-esteem, it's not the same. Narcissistic personality disorder crosses the border of healthy confidence and self-esteem into thinking so highly of yourself that you put yourself on a pedestal. In contrast, people who have healthy confidence and self-esteem don't value themselves more than they value others.

When you have narcissistic personality disorder, you may come across as conceited, boastful or pretentious. You often monopolize conversations.

 

You may belittle or look down on people you perceive as inferior. You may have a sense of entitlement. And when you don't receive the special treatment to which you feel entitled, you may become very impatient or angry. You may insist on having "the best" of everything — the best car, athletic club, medical care or social circles, for instance.

 

But underneath all this behavior often lies a fragile self-esteem. You have trouble handling anything that may be perceived as criticism. You may have a sense of secret shame and humiliation. And in order to make yourself feel better, you may react with rage or contempt and efforts to belittle the other person to make yourself appear better.

 

When to see a doctor

When you have narcissistic personality disorder, you may not want to think that anything could be wrong — doing so wouldn't fit with your self-image of power and perfection. But by definition, a narcissistic personality disorder causes problems in many areas of your life, such as relationships, work, school or your financial affairs. You may be generally unhappy and confused by a mix of seemingly contradictory emotions. Others may not enjoy being around you, and you may find your relationships unfulfilling.

If you notice any of these problems in your life, consider reaching out to a trusted doctor or mental health provider. Getting the right treatment can help make your life more rewarding and enjoyable.

[trippi1432]

Narcissism has always been controversial, in my opinion, because it exists in everyone to a particular degree.

 

This article gives a little background on healthy versus unhealthy narcissism.

 

 

Healthy Narcissism:

 

However, with regard to narcissism, our structure of psychological well-being requires balance if it is to stay healthy; too little narcissism can be just as pathological as too much. Too little sense of narcissism leads to a lack of confidence and esteem. Without confidence and esteem we become fearful, and this exposes us to feelings of inferiority; whereas too much (Unhealthy Narcissism), we risk the likelihood of having inflated egos, and putting ourselves in danger where we may compromise social cohesion in order to make ourselves stand out. However, when one is balanced they have a healthy narcissism driving their ego forward. The person sports a confident attitude where they are aware of their strengths and weaknesses of their personality, and they have both the negative and positive aspects available to them. Because they “know their selves” they are able to have realistic expectations of their self, and their expectations fit comparatively with their abilities. They are fully aware of being separate from others, and they have faith in their own set of ideas and ideals. They use their healthy narcissism in a way that channels them in the direction of getting their needs meet, without having to disrespect or harm anybody else in the process. It is in this healthy or mature narcissism that there is balanced giving and taking, and it is this balanced giving and taking that allows a person to enter into mutually satisfying relationships that last the test of time. In this space there is a healthy respect for both the giver and the receiver to retain their uniqueness and independence with each other. Both are equal, so there is no need for any “one-up-manship” or “one-down-manship” in the relationship. Unhealthy narcissism on the other hand is in complete contrast.

 

Unhealthy Narcissism:

 

Where there is unhealthy narcissism, the individual manifests their behavior through a personality disorder, and therefore they are incapable of having a true reciprocal bond in any relationship. They will operate through either one-downmanship (the practice of outdoing others in a negative way), or one-upmanship (the practice of any assertion of superiority). For example, their need for one-down-man-ship is used when they have a need to idealize someone; whereas their one-upmanship is present when they need another person as a mirroring self-object (narcissistic supply) in order to confirm their specialness for them. This does not usually last long, because all self-objects are eventually devalued once they have lost their functional one-upmanship. They are then held in contempt, and discarded after there usefulness is used up. It is nothing personal, it is how the unhealthy narcissist treats everybody; he/she uses, abuses, and discards, then goes on to the next victim with no remorse what so ever.

[GuyInLimbo]

Ack. Reading these descriptions is making me wonder about myself to a degree.

[tojaz]

Ack. Reading these descriptions is making me wonder about myself to a degree.

 

Funny how that works. Read about these things online and pretty soon everyone fits the bill.

[Gunny376]

Me? Myself? Personally? I don't suffer from insanity! I enjoy every minute of it! I've always been crazy (Hey! I did 20 + years in the Marines ~ how crazy is that? Rappleing downside moutains, jumping out of perfectlly good planes and helo's, eating stuff even a billy goat would puke looking at!)

 

But being a little crazy? Has helped me and kept me from going insane!

[Gunny376]

Its going to take some time and awhile!

 

But there's going to come a day when

 

"Thank God and Greyhound Your Gone!"

 

[trippi1432]

Ack. Reading these descriptions is making me wonder about myself to a degree.

 

Pretty much the norm on any self-diagnosis. Try hard enough and you can put yourself under a very heavy magnifying glass.

 

Personally, I think the best answer to most things when it comes to reading these articles is really knowing and being honest with yourself. If you see something that jumps out at you, then use it to grow in a positive way. If you see a lot of someone else in them that affects you in a negative way, decide for yourself what level of a friendship or relationship you want and keep your boundaries with them healthy.

[standtall]

Wickedgurl...this sounds rough, but it is the way I see it.

 

He has been checked out of the marriage for years and was just biding his time until his children were grown. He may have someone else in the wings too.

 

It is unlikely that he will stay no matter what you do. It takes two to keep a marriage going and you will not be able to make him try.

[Mr. Lucky]

Ps. Our marriage counselor told me to run. Run fast and run far bc he'll never be happy with anyone bc he's miserable.

 

And you're ignoring this advice because... ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[Wickedgurl]

Oh I'm out. Believe me. I am a beautiful and amazing woman and I deserve to be treated as such. I just am having trouble wrapping my head around the fact that at some point, I became expendable.