Mr. Lucky Posted March 31, 2013 Share Posted March 31, 2013 I think your H is looking for something missing within himself so it really has nothing to do with you or your value within the relationship. The hard part to accept is that this also means there's nothing you can do to fix it. It's all on him... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wickedgurl Posted March 31, 2013 Author Share Posted March 31, 2013 I think you hit it right on the head Mr. Lucky. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted March 31, 2013 Share Posted March 31, 2013 Hi Wickedgurl - You have precisely the right attitude in what you are dealing with. The answers aren't within you, they are within him and for him to figure out. Be careful of any gaslighting you might get from him, don't allow it to undermine your confidence, who you know yourself to be, or to undermine what you know to be true about your marriage. When "people" are having affairs or going through a mid-life crisis, they will completely rewrite history and make you the "bad guy". Prepare yourself for a lot of BS, don't allow him to abuse you verbally or emotionally. Surround yourself with people who care about you and love you. Keep that wonderful attitude hun, because you are right, you deserve to be treated better and this is a problem he has to fix for himself. On the Love Language book, from what I gather from your posts, the way you show love is through acts of service. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, it's who you are. You shouldn't have to completely change who you are to adjust to their love language. That's not what the book is about. It's just about getting to an understanding of how we love and want to be loved in return. Your husband doesn't sound like he appreciates your love language. Somebody will appreciate that and will be the right person who is honest with you so you don't have to guess what theirs is. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted March 31, 2013 Share Posted March 31, 2013 Since he's already decided he wants a divorce - give it to him. He seems miserable and you can't fix that for him. This way, you have a chance that you can be happy without his criticism. And maybe a man will come along that appreciates you for who you are. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
revitup Posted April 1, 2013 Share Posted April 1, 2013 WickedGurl,You will have a lot of advice from many friends and many professionals.They are sometimes trying to appease you and have no courage to simply tell you the truth. Gunny is right,it just doesn't matter why!It is what it is and you got the bad end of a deal. I understand the need to not feel alone.That is your way to help yourself feel better about it all.It's simply normal and I think it is helpful in the process of getting over the bad ones in our lives. Also,you will have no problem that I can see with moving on.116 lbs and strong willed.You need to know that there are many really great people out here who have been looking for just that package.It doesn't matter if you are looking or not,just knowing that you are a rare find makes you feel a little better about it all. REVITUP Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wickedgurl Posted April 1, 2013 Author Share Posted April 1, 2013 Thank you so much everyone. Ugh, seeing the lawyer today to get an idea of what my rights are. Fortunately he's being very cooperative as far as providing for my daughter. He is a wonderful father and she's the apple of his eye. There's a church that offers a divorce support group. Thinking of going but it's a lot easier to talk on a faceless forum than face to face. I really appreciate all the feedback! Xoxo Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 2, 2013 Share Posted April 2, 2013 I'm glad you're taking action. It helps to know what comes next. Did you search far and wide... ? Because he's showing signs of a cheater... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wickedgurl Posted April 2, 2013 Author Share Posted April 2, 2013 I'm glad you're taking action. It helps to know what comes next. Did you search far and wide... ? Because he's showing signs of a cheater... I really haven't. The way I see it, the outcomes still the same. The marriage is over and I couldn't fix it. I can only fix myself And move forward for myself and my daughter. To accuse or point fingers would diminish her father in her eyes and I won't do that. Lawyer told me I could get maintenance for life bc we were married for twenty years. I don't want it that long. Just enough to restart my life as I'm giving him the house. I just want to begin again. Someone will love me for all te qualities I love about myself and his sense of entitlement will only set him up for a lifetime of disappointment. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 2, 2013 Share Posted April 2, 2013 I hope he's paying you for your half of that house! And you should also take the support money awarded by the court - if it's for life - then figure you've earned it by putting up with him for 20 years. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wickedgurl Posted April 7, 2013 Author Share Posted April 7, 2013 So my Stbxh apparently filed for divorce and didn't tell me. I got a letter in the mail from a lawyer trying to drum up business telling me he saw te petition filed at the courthouse. What a slap in the face. 21 years and not even te courtesy of a text or call? I knew that eventually this day would come but he asked only 7 weeks ago. How many times can a heart break? Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted April 7, 2013 Share Posted April 7, 2013 Sending out a virtual hug to ya WG! :love: :love: Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wickedgurl Posted April 7, 2013 Author Share Posted April 7, 2013 Thank you Gunny. I appreciate it. Xoxo Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 7, 2013 Share Posted April 7, 2013 Doesn't seem like it now but he's doing you a favor. The sooner you untangle yourself from him, the sooner you get back in the game of life. There will come a time when these lousy details don't dominate your thinking. Hope you get there soon ... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 7, 2013 Share Posted April 7, 2013 Take the support at the maximum level for life! He wants out - he should pay! And ask for everything in the D papers you file!!! Do not "give him" the house - or anything else he asks for. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Wickedgurl Posted April 7, 2013 Author Share Posted April 7, 2013 Thanks lucky and sunny. I plan to get what I feel I deserve after living with him for 21 years away from all family and being the best wife and mother. I playing nice bc we have a 17 year old and I don't want to disparage her image of him. But I will be compensated. It's funny how I can have such dark thoughts about the man I slept next to. Doesn't seem real. Rat bastard Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted April 7, 2013 Share Posted April 7, 2013 Your title really got me . Rug pulled out from Under. That's the thing. It's just going from A to B in shock, with no process , that's hard. The rest now will be ok. But the rug being pulled like that, it changes you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted April 8, 2013 Share Posted April 8, 2013 Thanks lucky and sunny. I plan to get what I feel I deserve after living with him for 21 years away from all family and being the best wife and mother. I playing nice bc we have a 17 year old and I don't want to disparage her image of him. But I will be compensated. It's funny how I can have such dark thoughts about the man I slept next to. Doesn't seem real. Rat bastard Your daughter doesn't have to know the details of what you ask for. Look as dispassionately at your situation as possible when you ask for what you do. Maybe you will always feel this way, but my guess is that if you find out he did indeed have a gf, you will be angry at some point. Oh, and I guess you know now why he is being so cooperative. He wants to make sure you are agreeable and pliable. Take his petition to an attorney and don't buckle under. Let the attorney do the arguing and you just keep on making through the days. It does get better, really it does. It takes some time and some pain, but it gets better. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted April 8, 2013 Share Posted April 8, 2013 Thanks lucky and sunny. I plan to get what I feel I deserve after living with him for 21 years away from all family and being the best wife and mother. I playing nice bc we have a 17 year old and I don't want to disparage her image of him. But I will be compensated. It's funny how I can have such dark thoughts about the man I slept next to. Doesn't seem real. Rat bastard Allow your daughter to have her relationship with him separately. Do not speak unkindly of him to her. She can determine her own thoughts of him based on her relationship with him. You've EARNED your support money. Ytake what the law allows and as long as you can. I asked for a life insurance policy to be always held with my name as beneficiary in case he dies. I served him like he was a king while we were M for 20 years, he owed me that since he cheated. I'll never feel I didn't earn my money - heck, I helped him earn what he makes now as well as then. I did half his work at his job for those 20 years and ran the household and held a part time job! His life was sweet - but that still wasn't enough for him. Link to post Share on other sites
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