Raging!

[Got it]

I am glad you called the police.

 

 

Tell your H not to go there because he would be doing what the BW is doing.

 

I think your MM should do more. He has failed to placate the rage of this woman. Are you sure he is not trying to save his own skin.

 

As for the "Thrown under the bus". If he is not there comforting you you were somewhat thrown. I know you don't want to believe that, but as of now it is all about himself.

 

Seriously!?! How is that throwing someone under the bus!?! And you think her MM should do more, well isn't that wonderful! That and five bucks will get TOW a cup of coffee.

 

You are not helping the situation and the solo voice to EVERYONE else and their pragmatic and, well, common sense. Are you purposely trying to derail this thread as well?

[Catplates]

Do you have the legal rights in the U.S. to have a restraining order taken out against this woman.

 

We have similar here in Australia. There are penalties if it is broken.

 

Try that first, then rip her head off if you need to.

 

Cat.

[anne1707]

Do you have the legal rights in the U.S. to have a restraining order taken out against this woman.

 

We have similar here in Australia. There are penalties if it is broken.

 

Try that first, then rip her head off if you need to.

 

Cat.

 

tOW is in Scotland, not the US, hence the link I posted earlier

[underwater2010]

I am going to tell you bluntly how to handle this.

 

A. DO NOT contact the MM.....it only infurates her further.

B. Start contacting the police....quit playing around. Build your case little by little.

 

She does not deserve a pass because she is a BS, however you keep engaging her. STOP NOW!!!

[2sunny]

Do NOT keep calling him!

 

Call HER directly. Tell her next time she meddles in your life you will file charges against her.

 

Get a restraining order.

 

Calling him is just a weak way to keep your contact alive... And you should tell her that when she's been meddling - you've been calling him to take on her. Own how you're participating!

 

You're just stirring the pot more every time you REACT to her.

 

Stop reacting and start taking a proactive stance by filing a RO against her!

 

Then block him and every way he can contact you. Delete all his info.

[seren]

There are many calls made to children's services that are anonymous, they might not even have the name of who called. All calls have to be followed up, anonymous or otherwise. It might or might not be the BS, there might be no way of knowing and any information shared with social services has to be confidential otherwise people wouldn't ring in cases of genuine abuse. I used to have to visit no end of families where there had been anonymous calls.

 

The police will do nothing unless there is clear proof that there was intent to cause malicous harm, a lawyer is the first step, but unless there is clear proof, she might argue that your actions are harrassing her - if that makes any sense and you calling the MM opened up a can of worms. Of course that was not your intention, but if it was her, it is easy to see how it could be twisted to make you out to be the one making calls etc. As for the renting you a house, how did she manage that with all the checks needed unless she was paying for it and also would be illegal to pretend to be you. It all sounds very desperate on her part and while I feel sorry for her, I also think that you do need to keep records and when and if you have proof, get a restraining order.

 

I too live in Scotland and know that in some small communities meddling is a national pastime, maybe it was a member of her family, a friend or, yes, even her, but without proof it will be all speculative.

I hope it gets easier for you, stay away from contacting the MM, it might play right into her hands. No wonder you are raging, it might also be worth ringing social services to ask if the file can be destroyed as there will now be a record on their system. Good luck and take care.

[2sunny]

I think your MM causes this drama so that you keep calling him!

 

Stop giving him your power!

 

He doesn't need to be your crutch.

 

Stop feeding the monster... Or rather, his big ego!

[Summer Breeze]

I think your MM causes this drama so that you keep calling him!

 

Stop giving him your power!

 

He doesn't need to be your crutch.

 

Stop feeding the monster... Or rather, his big ego!

 

 

This is actually a really good point. He has the two of you at odds all the time. What a boost to his ego.

 

I agree that he didn't throw you under the bus but he's loving all of the chaos it's creating and having you guys at each others throats.

 

I'm really happy your H is supporting you and working with you to resolve this. I know you're not looking to get back together but it speaks volumes about how you guys will work as parents and support each other through it.

[Lillyfree]

I don't understand why people get so incensed over Pierre's posts. He's an intelligent guy who approaches issues academically and loves to play devil's advocate. He's like Fromm, here to make us think for ourselves...

 

[cocorico]

This sounds like what TOW needs:

 

Non-Harassment Orders

Sections 8-11 of the Protection from Harassment Act 1997 allow a court to award damages or grant an interdict or a non-harassment order (NHO) in cases where harassment has taken place. An NHO can be made if someone pursues a course of conduct (on at least 2 occasions) which causes the victim alarm and distress. The court can attach conditions to the order (e.g. not to approach a specified location, such as the victim's home or place of work). A breach of this order is a criminal offence punishable by up to 5 years imprisonment. There is also a statutory power of arrest without warrant for breach of an NHO. Amendments were made to improve the effectiveness of NHOs following a consultation by the then Scottish Executive on stalking and harassment in 2000.

[Lostinlife4now]

I hear you.

 

The BW is probably borderline psychotic and a tragedy could happen. Ideally a level headed BW does not acknowledge the OW, but some BWs do. OWs often say that "if not them it would be someone else". So OWs accept an inconsequential role, however not all BWs buy this.

 

The poor woman cannot discharge her anger on her H because she needs to have a reconciliation with him. This is SO UGLY! I feel for all, including TOW and her kids. I bet TOW did not have a clue about this.

 

 

While I must agree that the BW is A NUT, SHE SHOULD BE IN THERAPY!! Has anyone told her this? Maybe her Husband? She is not going to stop or get pass this if she is not in therapy. Individual Counseling!!! It does help!

 

I felt sorry for BW for about a minute....NOW she is just a delusional psychotic as......! Doesn't she have a job? Children to tend to? Reconciling with her hubby?

 

As far as child services coming to TheOW home....OH MY! OH MY! Please OW...let the police handle this from now on. I DO NOT TRUST THIS BW AT ALL!!!!! Keep your eyes WIDE OPEN! Look all around you when you go out. I MEAN IT! and also take protection with you! Something...Maybe Mace...yes, you need to protect yourself. I carry mace and a very large Swiss Army knife with me where ever I go. And I could and would use them if necessary!!!!! NO ONE and NO WHERE IS SAFE!!!!!!!

 

And how dare she rent a spot for you!! Who the hell does she think she is? Don't feel sorry for her at all! What an immature woman. She really needs to get over herself...OR GET A FREAKIN DIVORCE!!!!!! The xmm is a TOOL!!!!!!!

 

You can't stop the mind games that I am sure her husband is having about you. Moving you will solve NOTHING!!!!

 

THERAPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Lostinlife4now]

This is a classic case of lack of empathy.

 

 

 

Very good advice, TOW needs to be alert at all times.

 

 

 

Lets explore this from the point of view of the BW. "How dare this young woman seduce my older H".

 

Freaking divorce may happen, but it may take 2-3 years. Very few people divorce so quickly. The poor BW is psychotic and in no shape to consider divorce.

 

 

Pierre....Honey...

 

I can't and don't feel sorry for a "NUT JOB"! She needs professional help! ASAP!!!!!! Before something really bad happens! She is a danger to herself! I would Building 51 her! (The men in the white coats come to get her).

 

and there were two people in the affair!

[ThatJustHappened]

Pierre....Honey...

 

I can't and don't feel sorry for a "NUT JOB"! She needs professional help! ASAP!!!!!! Before something really bad happens! She is a danger to herself! I would Building 51 her! (The men in the white coats come to get her).

 

and there were two people in the affair!

 

Really? You don't feel sorry for people who are mentally ill?

 

Getting the children involved was disgraceful on the BW's part. Hopefully she does get the help she needs. Her husband should be helping her..in sickness and in health, right? It sounds like she has some sort of version of PTSD or something.

[Lostinlife4now]

Really? You don't feel sorry for people who are mentally ill?

 

Getting the children involved was disgraceful on the BW's part. Hopefully she does get the help she needs. Her husband should be helping her..in sickness and in health, right? It sounds like she has some sort of version of PTSD or something.

 

 

YES I do feel sorry for people who are mentally ill! BUT...Someone has to face it...she needs PROFESSIONAL HELP NOW! This will only escalate and get MUCH worse! She really isn't mentally ill, up until now, do we even know if she has had irrational thoughts, dealings of hatred? I think you are right about the PTSD though...And I WILL SAY IT AGAIN...PROFESSIONAL HELP TODAY! I have been here and done this!!!!!! The sooner the better!!!!!! And it saved MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Her husband is too busy covering his own arse....

[Summer Breeze]

I can't believe how apathetic xMM is to both TOW and his W. He's brought this onto his W and he doesn't have the balls to take charge and make sure she gets some help. By not getting her help he's putting TOW at risk. And kids on both sides. Where is this guy anyway?

[Lostinlife4now]

The EMR has provoked a psychosis. The BW is mentally ill and not responsible for her acts. I do feel sorry for her even though I don't know her.

 

I feel more sorry for TOW whom I know through the forum. I am ceratin she had no idea EMRs could end up like this. There are bunny boilers on both sides of the equation.

 

Two people or three people or four people having an EMR or an orgy changes nothing.

 

 

P......

 

Are you sure you are not a Doctor??????

 

I think you are hiding behind a white coat yourself!

 

Agreed. the EMR provoked a psychosis! That is why, And I will say it again....Get on the phone and call a doctor and find a professional today!

 

Someone did it for me and IT SAVED MY LIFE!!!!!!

 

I know Pierre...I like the OW too! And I feel sorry for her! I am trying to help her privately!!!

Edited March 29, 2013 by Lostinlife4now
want to add

[Lostinlife4now]

Even if she were mentally ill, it doesn't excuse her behavior. She is capable of planning and executing these actions. She's taking steps that require effort and are not "in the heat of the moment" actions.

 

She might be mentally ill or she might just be the type of person that thinks that her feelings trump everything and that she doesn't have to answer for what she's done. She's acting irrationally but have you seen tv lately? Have you been outside in public? Have you seen how some people think it's ok to act?

 

You can't determine that that she's mentally ill. You have no basis for diagnosing a psychosis or PTDS. Maybe she does, but guess what? If she does she still has a responsibility, the one to society to get help for it.

 

 

BW had to have some coherent thought process to go and find and put money down on a place to live for the OW!

 

So psychosis...I don't know! I am not a professional...I only have been to professionals.

 

I also think BW could be overplaying or outplaying just to get attention, especially since she wasn't getting it from her husband!

 

So messed up!!!!!!

 

My only concern is for theOW and her children.

Edited March 30, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[anna121]

This is the issue:

 

The bw's life is destroyed, demolished, etc. All the memories of her long marriage now mean nothing. She is questioning every single instant she spent with her H for the last 30 years. She feels her entire life is meaningless. She has nowhere to go. Yes, she is in serious distress. She cannot take it on her husband because they are not divorcing. So the rage is displaced to TOW. IF she was divorcing then the rage would be directed at the H.

 

I still believe TOW should remain under the radar. Responding is the worst thing to do.

 

Poor women!

 

She doesn't get to break the law, though. And now, by bringing child welfare into it, she is not just hurting OW but, potentially, OW's children.

 

This is serious.

 

She needs a shock of reality, possibly a brutal one.

[seren]

This sounds like what TOW needs:

 

Quote:

Non-Harassment Orders

Sections 8-11 of the Protection from Harassment Act 1997 allow a court to award damages or grant an interdict or a non-harassment order (NHO) in cases where harassment has taken place. An NHO can be made if someone pursues a course of conduct (on at least 2 occasions) which causes the victim alarm and distress. The court can attach conditions to the order (e.g. not to approach a specified location, such as the victim's home or place of work). A breach of this order is a criminal offence punishable by up to 5 years imprisonment. There is also a statutory power of arrest without warrant for breach of an NHO. Amendments were made to improve the effectiveness of NHOs following a consultation by the then Scottish Executive on stalking and harassment in 2000.

 

The difficulty in using this, is that TOW has contacted the MM, which would be viewed as inflammatory and as her opening up comminication, obviously what happened to OW is not excusable, but there is still no proof that the BS did this. The renting of property in her name is easier to prove, but how that happens when there are stringent background checks to any property rental would suggest that it is more likely to be someone with a more detailed knowledge of her personal details. Bank checks, references, housing history etc etc would all have to be established and it is unlikely the BS knew all these, unless she was told.

 

As for children's services, a record might be kept but it wouldn't prevent her having a job, even if a CBS check was done as it would be recorded as an unsubstantiated report. Children's services would not take her children away, to suggest that is ludicrous. They would have to investigate as they have to investigate all cases reported, but, again, there doesn't appear to be any proof it was actually the BS doing the telling. Much assumption.

 

You might be surprised to discover who actually reports families, very often it can be a neighbour or someone who has different values or someone with an axe to grind, but, to get a harrassment order, the actions would have to be definite, proven and of a more serious nature than what has been written about.. Again this isn't meant to minimise the awfuleness of what has happened, but, there is no proof and a lot of courts would have some sympathy for the BS, it has been successfully argued that D Day and the aftermath sees many BS go through PTSD and would be used as a defence.

 

Of course anyone would be raging at someone ringing Social Services maliciously and no one should do that for revenge, but again, it has yet to be established if it was the BS.

 

I hope it all stops for the OP, stop ringing him or contacting him, it just adds fuel to an already raging fire, feeds the flames and can backfire. Ring Social Services for advice re: your name on the system. I can tell you that the system records are not shared with anyone, but if you are concerned they will flag up on a CBS then give them a call. I hope all has been quiet.

[Got it]

The trauma from infidelity and divorce on children is palpable.

 

A visit from CPS is negligible.

 

 

I say it is negligible if TOW takes good care of her children.

 

CPS will not take the kids away if TOW is providing basic care. So yes I stand by my view. The damage is already done. The kids will grow with a two weekend a month dad and will not thrive as well as kids from intact couples.

 

The visit from CPS is imperceptible despite all the malice behind it.

 

Pierre, do you have children? You are preaching to people who actually have walked this road. Why on earth are you doing that?

 

And you have absolutely no idea how the kid will grow up nor how well they will thrive.

Edited March 30, 2013 by Got it

[Mrs.Dee]

Can I just make a remark about the children of seperated homes please?

 

In Norway it is very common that the father of the children wants to take responsibility for his children and in many cases the children will spend one week with the father and then one with the mother.

 

I never really got what their situation was really about, before I started in a job far away from where my husband lives where I actually had to go back and forth between 2 different homes for about 2 years...

It was VERY VERY exhausting for me even thought my husband visited me every second weekend so I didnt really have to go visit him at least EVERY weekend, but just every secobd weekend

 

Can you imagine all the packing? the change of houses, 2 systems for about everything? , and ( for children having to do the same) all the new friends ( IF they get new ones) they have to relate to?

No wonder, they will fall behind... statistically.

[Got it]

I did not find a single article that said a false CPS accusation affected the children.

 

What a strawman and attempt to derail another thread.

 

How many false claims do you think that are made and how many studies do you think are done. I guess if you can't find it googling it MUST not exist.

[Got it]

Can I just make a remark about the children of seperated homes please?

 

In Norway it is very common that the father of the children wants to take responsibility for his children and in many cases the children will spend one week with the father and then one with the mother.

 

I never really got what their situation was really about, before I started in a job far away from where my husband lives where I actually had to go back and forth between 2 different homes for about 2 years...

It was VERY VERY exhausting for me even thought my husband visited me every second weekend so I didnt really have to go visit him at least EVERY weekend, but just every secobd weekend

 

Can you imagine all the packing? the change of houses, 2 systems for about everything? , and ( for children having to do the same) all the new friends ( IF they get new ones) they have to relate to?

No wonder, they will fall behind... statistically.

 

I know of a family where it is the parents that rotate houses and the kids stay put. They share a second apartment so the off duty parent spends the time there. It takes some multitasking but they seem to be successful with this arrangement.

[Summer Breeze]

I did not find a single article that said a false CPS accusation affected the children.

 

Interestingly enough I did a google search about false allegations of child abuse and came across the website of a national charity that helps people that have been wrongly accused of domestic abuse and/or rape. There were no specific stats but some pretty interesting comments about how people can be and are treated if there are false reports. I would venture a guess that even if the calls didn't affect the kids directly the possibility of a parent losing a job, possibly seeing their parent arrested in front of them, being questioned with no parent present -- I'd say those things could do some damage to a kid. The call is nothing but the residual damage could well be catastrophic.

 

As I said there weren't any stats, but in the 3 minutes it took me to do the search and find the charity I saw enough to show me it's not pretty for the parents and more than likely not for the kids either.

 

This was a UK charity because the OP is actually there.

[Summer Breeze]

I am not Pierre, but I read his posts and can understand where he is coming from.

 

I'm a mom. I find it sad that so many people here are grieving for tow's children but seem to forget what the affair is doing to the bs's children.

 

If you don't like people hurting families then recognize tow DID hurt the kids of the BS and that is in part why IF she called CPS she may feel just in doing so. One turn deserves another in her mind I woułd suppose. Now TOW knows what's its like to have someone play games with her family, too bad she had to learn it this way instead of having the foresight to realize what this would do to TWO sets of children...

 

I don't believe we've forgotten about the BSs kids but she's not the one talking about her situation, TOW is. We don't know how old the other kids are or even if they're affected. We have no idea at all so I think the most of us are focusing on the person that's here.

 

By your reckoning I'd say TOW has every right to call CPS on her xMM and his W who is running around like a loose cannon? The xMM had a responsibility to protect his family and he failed just like TOW. At least TOW is trying to make things as right as she can. Where is that loser? I can make a guess from what TOW is writing that he's somewhere in the middle of the drama somehow passively keeping it all whipped up. Still a massive fail. I agree tOW should stop contacting xMM at all. I think that's her failing right now but overall I think she's doing ok.

 

The BS is reacting to something beyond horrible but she is pushing the limits as to what legally can be done. She does need help. Not because she's a horrible person or because she's evil, because she's been through this and I think her H is giving her nada for real support.