My boyfriend hit me, but I hit him first

[LikeAnnaB]

Okay so me and my boyfriend got into a major fight this morning. Everything was fine, but when I woke up this morning I was working on my homework and I noticed that he was just laying there doing nothing. He had gotten up to get high, then proceeded to try to go back to sleep. But I started questioning him about when he was going to quit, and how he still hasn't graduated college yet. We'r'e both 23, I graduated last year. He's been failing his classes since 08, and actually had to transfer down to community college because of failing so much at the university.. and despite being in college for almost 5 years, he's not even halfway done. So of course he got defensive, like he always does about his precious marijuana, and how it's not ruining his life, and it's actually HELPING him. And how I need to stop judging him. So we kind of argued about that. Then he went upstairs to go shower.

 

When he came back down, I asked him for 10 dollars for gas money, because I was ready to leave. This is where things went south. Now, here is some background information. My boyfriend and I live exactly 50 miles apart. I have to drive through a toll to see him. All together, driving to his place and back costs about 30 dollars even for a round trip (this includes gas and toll). He lives with his MOTHER (nothing wrong with that, but he's not paying rent is my point). I live on my own. I am in grad school and struggling to pay the rent on my apartment, he KNOWS this. He's seen my bright yellow LATE bills from the phone company and energy company. So he knows I'm struggling. He NEVER offers to pay for my gas, or even offer to pay half. Today when I asked him for 10 dollars he flipped out on me. Saying that I am the one who wants to see him. and since I enjoy seeing him. that I should pay for everything. I told him that this was selfish and unfair since we are in a relationship together and he NEVER drives to see me. He told me no, that it was perfectly fair. (keep in mind I also drove him to and from school yesterday. a total of about 15 miles each way). So first he lied and said he didn't have any money. Then five minutes later he took a 20 dollar bill and threw it in my face and told me to stop bitching.

 

I let my anger get the best of me and I got up and jabbed him in the arm a couple of times. Then I walked across the room to grab my purse and my lap top bag so that I could leave. For 2 minutes I was gathering my things and then all of a sudden he swooped up behind me. grabbed me by the neck and started choking me out. He threw me on the bed and started punching my face and told me to never ****ing hit him again. I started yelling for help and he told me to shut the **** up so the neighbors wouldn't call the cops. after he punched me and choked me up, he told me to get the **** out. At this point I was in the corner crying hysterically because he was hovering over me telling me to get the **** out. I was looking for my keys frantically because when he had thrown me on the bed they flew out of my hands and so I couldn't find them. So he's shouting, "WHY THE **** AREN'T YOU GETTING OUT?!" and I told him "Please I can't find my keys" and so he takes my purse and dumps everything out.. Still no keys.. Then I find them behind a chair. And at this point he's hovering over my purse and its contents and tells me to pick the **** up and get the **** out. So I'm begging him to just please not hit me and to stay away from me while I packed up my stuff and the whole time he's all "GET THE **** OUT" so I pack up my things again, and he walks upstairs. So when I get upstairs and I'm about to leave.. He's like "Here.. take the 20 dollars. Why are you leaving? How can you just leave like that?" I said "**** you" And I just ran for the door and got in my car and sped off... He hasn't called or texted since.

 

I don't know how I feel. At first I was terrified, then when I was safe in my car, I got angry that he had hit me, now I feel embarrassed because I'm sure his little sister (she's 21) heard everything and will tell everyone. And now I'm starting to feel bad because I think that he probably feels horrible. And I feel bad for hitting him and causing all of this in the first place. No he shouldn't have hit me back, but it is my fault for hitting him in the first place. I'm just so confused and upset. Was I wrong for asking for 10 dollars? I'm struggling too. And all he does is spend all his extra money on weed. It's hard for me to spend all that money every time to come see him and he never helps out. I didn't even ask for half.

Edited March 28, 2013 by LikeAnnaB

[Amelie1980]

Do you have to ask on here what you should do?!

 

Go to the police and report him.

 

I hope you are ok.

[GorillaTheater]

File a complaint with the police in his town TODAY.

 

Look into getting a restraining order.

 

Never communicate with him again in any way, shape or form.

 

Tell your dad and brothers. And I'm speaking as both.

 

I'm sorry, Anna.

[coltsfan1]

You all should never speak again. You should NOT report it cause YOU assaulted him first!!! There is never an excuse for abuse or infidelity of any kind regardless of gender. You lost control and started something that he finished. Leave this toxic relationship for both your sakes, like cheating once abuse starts it always seems to rear its ugly head.

[iKING]

Never speak to him again.

 

File a report with the police if you wish.

 

You could also alert males whom are close to you. Kids like that regularly get dealt with by other males.

 

You already know he's toxic far beyond what happened.

[lastresort]

Run, this boy is not a man. Do like they said above report it to the police. It is just the beginning of his abuse. If i were near you I would take care of him. Two things i dont like women beaters and cheaters. Do not think you did anything wrong, a little hit on the arm is not even close to what he did to you. Then to hover and trap you like that is totally wrong and no women or any person should have to deal with that and have the fear like that. You will be better with out him. Take care of yourself. The weed issue is not a big deal, and it's not your problem any more.

[GorillaTheater]

You all should never speak again. You should NOT report it cause YOU assaulted him first!!! There is never an excuse for abuse or infidelity of any kind regardless of gender. You lost control and started something that he finished. Leave this toxic relationship for both your sakes, like cheating once abuse starts it always seems to rear its ugly head.

 

Get real. She jabbed him in the arm a couple of times. Then at least two minutes later (i.e., no possible self-defense argument) he attacked her and used force totally out of proportion to anything she did to him.

 

She needs to go the cops. Today.

[Sexy Teddy Bear]

Didn't read your post, but I skimmed through real quick and saw that he choked you out and was punching you in the face?!?! No need for me to know any more than that. Do you have a brother? Male friends you trust? I say you tell them. If that s**t happened to my sister or a friend you can bet your ass that the piece of s**t that did it would be in the ICU by morning. There is no way he should get away with that. Personally, I would leave the cops out of it. But If you have no other alternative, file a report NOW.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you. It's terrible and it pisses me off quite a bit when I see this happen to women. But now you need to make him pay. One way or another.

[geegirl]

WTF? WTF? WTF?

 

First of all, you both hit each other. Unfortunately, you got the brunt of it. There is no excuse for physical violence.

 

Once someone hits you like this, trust it won't stop. It has been unleashed. He has it in him to do it again. This is what you will be signing up for. Cross him and he'll shut you down.

 

I'm speechless. You'll be one of those women that walk around with a blue eye and smile and say, "It's not his fault, I shouldn't have annoyed him." Battered women syndrome. You make excuses for abuse. I pushed him, I shouldn't have asked him for money, I shouldn't have annoyed him...

 

You are a grad student, a bright future ahead of you and you're crying over a druggie, that lives with his mom, can't pass an exam, beats the **** out of you, never makes an attempt to see you, spends all his money on weed?? Where are your standards? Why have you set the bar so low? And don't say love because this is not love.

 

If you don't get out of this, you might as well quit school, work three jobs and support him because if you stay with him, trust me he will break your self-esteem down so badly that you won't be able to leave. It's already broken as it is.

[William]

Thread starter, since this apparently details an assault/battery, I'm going to move this to the abuse forum and, since you're a new poster with only one post, lock it for now. If you have further information or wish further support and comments, please use the 'alert us' button on this posting and request moderation re-open your thread. Thanks.

 

Per request, thread reopened to civil and respectful discussion.

 

As an advisory, pursuant to said request, moderation will not entertain requests to delete this thread, as it has responses, so bear in mind the impact of any personally identifiable information shared. Anonymity is the responsibility of the member. Thanks.

Edited March 28, 2013 by William
Re-opened thread. Advisory issued.

[Mack05]

LikeAna,

 

You should never hit someone. I hope you understand that going forward.

 

More importantly, it is VERY important that you NEVER speak to this man again. Even if he promises change, cries his heart out. It doesn't matter. That was downright scary what happened to you. If you stay with him this will probably get worse. He will eventually break you and that bright future in front of you, will evaporate.

 

I agree with other posters who said you need to go to the cops. They need to have this guy on record. If you do nothing, he could (and probably will) assault another girl in future. What worries me is what this guy is like when he gets older. Assault might not be the only thing he is capable of...

[coltsfan1]

Get real. She jabbed him in the arm a couple of times. Then at least two minutes later (i.e., no possible self-defense argument) he attacked her and used force totally out of proportion to anything she did to him.

 

She needs to go the cops. Today.

 

 

Jab to you/or her is still putting your hands on another person in anger. Lies are lies doesn't matter what you are covering up. My point or view doesn't change, still a toxic relationship. As far as the time delay goes her being there and NOT leaving only fueled his anger and this is a perfect reason why a slap, punch, kick or any other form of aggressive behavior should NEVER be tolerated!!!!

[Star Gazer]

From the words you choose to describe your BF and your relationship, I get the impression that you laid into him verbally and did a little more than jab him in the arm. It sounds like a mutually angry and violent relationship.

 

There's no excuse for what EITHER of you did. I'd never speak to him again, for both of your safety. He should do the same.

[whichwayisup]

File a report and stay away from him forever. Your relationship is over, don't even speak to him ever again.

 

Sorry that this happened to you.

 

And no, you didn't 'cause' this or ask for it. Sure, jabbing him in the arm was wrong but his reaction was brutal and violent with intent to really harm/hurt you! which he did.

 

Go to the hospital, get xrays and medical care too. Call your family, let them help you through this.

 

He has issues, not only with the anger but drugs as well. He is lazy, doesn't do anything and even if he hadn't hit you, getting out of this relationship will benefit you, it is going no where because he's at a stand still in his life and chooses to do nothing. Well, he chooses to be a total a.hole!

[samsungxoxo]

OP I hope you reported him. It would have been a difference is you were jabbing him in the arms and the guy shoves his gf out of the way in that moment but there was a long 2 minute delay and he did way more than just defend himself.

 

What he did is definitely out of proportion and it sure wasn't self-defense because of the time lapse and the fact that he wasn't in any danger. From what I get, you can only hit back if it was truly done in self-defense and it can't be various punches just for the hell out it (esp not in a man vs woman case).

 

If you haven't filed charges against him and a restraining order, do it now. That's what I would do.... well after making him sterile (a hard kick in his privates that is or something like twisting it.. OP, I'm more meaner). Don't feel guilty OP. A true gentleman isn't suppose to get that way. If a little jab was so ''hurtful'' to him that he had to react like that, I can imagine if he were to get into a big fight with another guy.

[todreaminblue]

I dotn think its right to hit anyone....violence begets violence, so unless you are fighting in defense to me it isnt right, i dont believe you should start anything thinking i am a woman i dont deserve to be hit.......i have found by experience if you hit a guy, expect to be hit back...even when i have been hit first i wait until i get hit a second time........if i can talk my way out of a fight i would always......i dont go around hitting and not expect to get hit back.......so i avoid hitting...i am sorry you got abused because that is what ended up happening the hitting ended up into you being violently abused..... sounds like a volatile relationship......one i would carefully, if i were you, reconsider being in...the violence i feel is only the beginning....and this guy has serious issues about being hit....in the fact he doesnt care who does it, he is going to go off possibly bullied in his past....time bomb guy...you dont need that......best wishes.....and good luck..stay safe..deb

[samsungxoxo]

i dont believe you should start anything thinking i am a woman i dont deserve to be hit.......i have found by experience if you hit a guy, expect to be hit back...even when i have been hit first i wait until i get hit a second time........

It doesn't really changes the fact that the OP's bf went too far with choking her and punching her several times after only getting jabbed on the arms. I bet it didn't even hurt him one bit but what he did to her could have caused serious damages. In addition, he didn't even do it right away but after 2 whole minutes passed. This is indicating a dangerous person. If he is capable of waiting 2 minutes to respond back, what else is he planning in the later future?

 

What he did is the equivalent of hitting someone with a baseball bat after that person only slightly tapped you or shoved you. This is where I don't support ''If you hit, expect to be hit back'' phrase.

[LikeAnnaB]

I'm not going to file a police report. It'd ruin his life, and he would never forgive me. His family would never forgive me and all of his friends would hate me. I just want to figure out a way out of this. And I want to know how he's feeling. I went to sleep hoping that when I woke up he would have called or texted or something. But nothing. I'm scared he's really angry with me and will want nothing to do with me after starting a physical fight. No he shouldn't hit a girl, but I provoked him, and I am willing to accept responsibility for that. He would have never hit me if I didn't hit him first. I won't play the victim. I just want to work things out. Should I call him or wait for him to call?

[samsungxoxo]

No he shouldn't hit a girl, but I provoked him, and I am willing to accept responsibility for that. He would have never hit me if I didn't hit him first. I won't play the victim. I just want to work things out. Should I call him or wait for him to call?

Reread the phrases in black. This is what an abused woman says all the time, the ''But I provoked him''.

OP, there should be no reason be to worrying about provoking a man into hitting you violently, not even if you slapped him first.

 

You're a lot nicer than me. I would have made sure those charges are there permanent on his record. I'm not a forgiving woman. Aggression in a man is something I'll never forget and I'm not buying the ''But you slapped me first'' either.

 

No, don't call him nor ever talk to him. He was suppose to be the bigger person and either break up when you hit first or reprimand you about it. No, he didn't provoke him. He is a violent man that is using the ''But you started'' as an excuse to continue doing that to other women and abusing you worst if you go back to him.

 

It amazes me to see women willing to forgive a guy that punches them like a man or chokes them. If only empathy wouldn't play a role in our brains too much.

[samsungxoxo]

He wouldn't forgive you for filing assault charges but yet you forgive him for hitting you???

 

I guess we're more forgiving than men in general.

 

Nevertheless, I hope he becomes your ex bf. That guy is a boy, not a man.

[whichwayisup]

I'm not going to file a police report. It'd ruin his life, and he would never forgive me. His family would never forgive me and all of his friends would hate me. I just want to figure out a way out of this. And I want to know how he's feeling. I went to sleep hoping that when I woke up he would have called or texted or something. But nothing. I'm scared he's really angry with me and will want nothing to do with me after starting a physical fight. No he shouldn't hit a girl, but I provoked him, and I am willing to accept responsibility for that. He would have never hit me if I didn't hit him first. I won't play the victim. I just want to work things out. Should I call him or wait for him to call?

 

I can't help you until you realize staying with him is a huge mistake. I believe you're making a bad choice by staying with him. You two are not a good match for obvious reasons..

 

I wish you strength and courage to leave him and not care what his family and friends think. Hey, show up at their doorsteps and SHOW them your face, all the cuts and bruises, marks on your neck, say this is your son, this your friend. If they saw this, I highly doubt any of them would hate you or think ill of you. If anything they'd see what a douche your boyfriend is for beating the crap out of his girlfriend!

 

That anger and how long, what he did to you was built up and it's going to happen again, provoking or not.

[M30USA]

Most of the responses in this thread make me extremely glad that I never laid a finger on my ex wife when she assaulted me. It's just reminded me that people think it's not a crime if a woman does it (even if she hits first), but it's a crime if a man does it (even if he hits in response). I was aware of this ridiculous double standard and this is precisely why I never touched her back. Plus I knew I would probably never see my kids again--even though she is the assaulter and still got primary custody. It's a wonderfully fair world, isn't it? If I didn't believe in Gods ultimate justice in this life or the next, I'm not sure how I'd be coping.

[Feelin Frisky]

Eich! Sounds like an excessive reaction. I've never "punched" a women. I did return a slap after being punched in the eye (with my eye closed) and I was angry and shocked enough to slap her lower jaw with an open fist for her violent close-fisted attack while I was lying still on a beach. But when you get to "punching" that's either intent to injure someone or reckless disregard for the force's result. Some people may want to split hairs with me as to what I should or shouldn't have done, but when someone closes their fist and plays Russian Roulette with something as serious as an eye, I have absolutely no remorse for the open hand on her jaw. Sick bitch.

[Nyla]

There should not be a double standard. Women should not hit men first and then cry assault when they get hit back.

 

Male or female, hitting is wrong.

 

I don't understand what the OP is doing with a lowlife who can't finish college because he likes to get stoned.

[M30USA]

I'm not going to file a police report. It'd ruin his life, and he would never forgive me. His family would never forgive me and all of his friends would hate me. I just want to figure out a way out of this. And I want to know how he's feeling. I went to sleep hoping that when I woke up he would have called or texted or something. But nothing. I'm scared he's really angry with me and will want nothing to do with me after starting a physical fight. No he shouldn't hit a girl, but I provoked him, and I am willing to accept responsibility for that. He would have never hit me if I didn't hit him first. I won't play the victim. I just want to work things out. Should I call him or wait for him to call?

 

It wouldn't ruin his life. It would most likely stat on record for 1-3 years, then he'd be able to have it exlunged or, at the very least, sealed from background checks. This is assuming he has no prior record. But his life would fam definitely not be ruined.