My boyfriend hit me, but I hit him first

[samsungxoxo]

I feel like everyone has hit their wife or girlfriend at least once..Even though they may not admit it. it's really not his personality to get this angry. usually he's just like very nonchalant.. doesn't really care or get emotional. this wasn't really him.

He then bf (ex bf) never hit me and neither would I have tolerate it.

 

If hypothetically speaking every man on the planet thought it was normal to hit his gf or wife at least once, then I'd rather prefer being single forever. That's how much disgusted and overly sensitive I am towards a man ever laying his hands on me in an angry way or even daring spitting or getting in my face.

[Mack05]

In 5-10 years when your life is in complete tatters, the regrets you have will consume you. The damage that you will do to yourself and your overall life, will be irreversible..

 

By cutting this guy out of your life NOW (shows strength) you will suffer short term, prosper long term. By going back to him (shows how weak you are), you will be happy short term and suffer long term. It really is that simple..There are no 'ifs'', 'whys', 'whats' or 'buts' to that statement. It's just a fact..

Edited March 29, 2013 by Mack05

[AlexDP]

I feel like everyone has hit their wife or girlfriend at least once..Even though they may not admit it. it's really not his personality to get this angry. usually he's just like very nonchalant.. doesn't really care or get emotional. this wasn't really him.

 

No. I have never hit any of my girlfriends. Not even once. And I have never been hit by a girlfriend either.

[samsungxoxo]

In 5-10 years when your life is in complete tatters, the regrets you have will consume you. The damage that you will do to yourself and your overall life, will be irreversible..

Indeed. It's a sad reality that the OP doesn't see this. By the time she realizes she would be close to my age (I'm almost 26).

 

Thought, even during high school I knew it was not normal for a man to treat his gf that way.

[geegirl]

You're alone even by being with him. How has he supported you? He's all that you have as a friend. Define friend in your brain.

 

Spend your free time volunteering for the unfortunate. You know what, visit a shelter for abused women and children and maybe then you'll find your lightbulb moment. Visit meetup.com and find activities that you love doing and be around healthy people that you can someday call a friend. I'm appalled that you justify being with an abusive man because you have no other way to spend your free time.

 

No, you don't sound stupid. You sound weak and desperate.

 

Everyone has hit their wife or gf? Are you serious??? You'll pull crap out of your ass to justify this man's behavior. Not one ex has ever laid a finger on me. The day my father raised his hands on me, I vowed never to let a man touch me that way. And if one ever does, trust he'll never see me again.

 

Yes, just like when you get zero reaction when you ask him when he's going to quit his drugs. Most likely you'll go back to the same couldn't care less attitude towards you and the relationship. The wonderful "non-chalant, non-emotional, don't care" man that he is.

 

I'm sorry to say this but you're on a bad path and I'm seeing that no one can get you out of your fog. And for god's sake, there is no love here, just an unhealthy attachment.

Edited March 29, 2013 by geegirl

[Phoebe]

LikeAnnaB having read all of your posts on this topic I think that you are a codependent person. I was just going react to the original issue of how things got physical between you and your boyfriend, but reading your responses to people here I feel that there is a deeper issue. I agree with everyone that says that you need professional help. Take a look below, does that sound at all familiar?

 

Codependency is definedas a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition(typically narcissism or drug addiction); and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of, or control of, another. It also often involvesplacing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupiedwith the needs of others...People who are codependent often take on the role as a martyr; they constantly put others' needs before their own and in doing so forget to take care of themselves. This creates a sense that they are "needed"; they cannot stand the thought of being alone and no one needing them. Codependent people are constantly in search of acceptance. When it comes to arguments, codependent people also tend to set themselves up as the "victim". When they do stand up for themselves, they feel guilty.

 

I also want to recommend another website to you, Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information. When I was first recommended this website by someone on here after writing about the problems I had with my alcoholic boyfriend I thought that my situation was unique. It was depressing to discover just how similar the stories were to each other. Take a look at the quote below that I took from the website. I think it would do you a lot of good to check this site out.

 

There seems to be a fair number of newcomers who choose to see responses from members as negative, aggressive etc.

 

This is how it is:

Every single one of the people responding have been where you are now. The story may play itself out with different circumstances, but the underlying feelings and behaviour are the same.

 

Every single one of us have been in denial about addiction in the beginning. Every single one of us wanted to stick around because we loved the addict and love doesn't run away.

Every single one of us thought the addict love us enough to change for us.

Every single one of us made excuses for behaviour and ignored the red flags.

 

Every single one of us was on the receiving end of the addicts lies and manipulation.

Every single one of us have been blamed for the addiction and whatever else has gone wrong for the addict.

Every single one of us remembered what the addict used to be like and lived in hope to get that person back.

Every single one of us spent years trying to love the addict to recovery.

 

After many years of living in a hell that got progressively worse,

where we felt we were losing our sanity,

where our health suffered,

where the rest of the family or children suffered,

where our depression about the situation got so bad we wondered whether life was worth it,

we finally became strong and walked away.

 

So when you as a newcomer come and tell your story, we recognize the signs immediately. We would, because we had many years practice. We try and help you to avoid the pain we went through, because we know that in your wildest imagination, you do not understand how bad it will get.

 

We do this not because we are mean or negative, not because we don't understand love, but because we want to spare another human being from what we went through. We do it because we know where your story is heading and we understand the outcome is certain. We do it because we wish we had known how dark life can be with an addict.

 

We do it because we were you once.

Edited March 29, 2013 by Phoebe

[PogoStick]

I'm speechless. I bet out of all the posts on here, OP will read this, blame herself more, will latch to this and run back to him.

 

That's cool, I'm to blame now too. Anyone but the OP. Well I expected the "woman can do no wrong" apologists. It takes 2, and ignoring her role doesn't help her.

[Blondie1]

I've been with him for 3 years now. I can't just leave him because I feel like he needs me to help him change. And I'll feel so shallow if I just leave him now because he's not super successful, and then later on in life he becomes successful and I feel stupid for leaving him when he needs me the most. You're supposed to stick with people even when they are low. Not just when they are successful. I don't know why he hasn't called me. It really hurts my feelings. I'm guessing maybe he's through with me then. I also feel responsible for his bad grades. When we first started talking in 2008, and I found out later on that he had failed so many classes (he didn't tell me the truth about his grade til about 2011), he said he failed because of me and the time he was spending with me and that's why he now has friends who smoke pot and that's why he is a addicted, because he has to go to a community college where he is surrounded by pot smokers. And I just feel so horrible. Like I'm the reason for his downfall.

 

I just want to help him be a better person. I want to help him be driven.

 

Oh my.......I said many of the things you are saying after my husband put his hands around me the first time.

 

It took me twenty years to realize that I wasnt helping him by tolerating his abuse. What helped him was kicking him out and telling him to get anger management therapy if he wanted to be in a R with me.

 

You are simply enabling his abuse. I guarantee you you will regret it. Both of you need counseling from people who understand the dynamics of abuse.......separate counseling. Do not go to counseling with an abuser.

 

I didnt listen to the people who told me this. I wish I had. I hope you will listen to me and everyone else who is telling you the same thing.

 

Blondie

[geegirl]

That's cool, I'm to blame now too. Anyone but the OP. Well I expected the "woman can do no wrong" apologists. It takes 2, and ignoring her role doesn't help her.

 

If you care to read my first post, you will see that I note that I don't condone her hitting him. She was wrong to do so. Unfortunately, she got the brunt of it.

 

And granted he needs help, she is not responsible for his betterment, especially at the expense of sacrificing hers.

 

And I hardly see him as a "poor man". SMH.

Edited March 29, 2013 by geegirl

[anna121]

I chose my grad school based on him, so that we could be close together. I moved to his state so that the relationship could continue since he failed out of university and had to come back here to do community college. I don't know anyone or really have any friends. he's all that I have. the only person I spend my free time with. I really need him, and I can't afford to lose him right now. I know I sound stupid. But we've been together for a while and we really do love each other. I know deep down he really loves me too. A LOT. And it's pretty normal for a guy to lose their temper I've heard. I'm reading your comments and I'm starting to wonder if I really am crazy. I dunno. I feel like everyone has hit their wife or girlfriend at least once..Even though they may not admit it. it's really not his personality to get this angry. usually he's just like very nonchalant.. doesn't really care or get emotional. this wasn't really him.

 

I have known alot of men in my life. Several serious relationships, numerous flings...men in their teens, 20s, 30s, 40s....

 

Some of them were ****s, but none of them ever lifted a finger to me.

 

I think men are basically decent human beings.

 

That you would feel that way is so, indescribably sad.

[Blondie1]

Anna

 

Did you or your boyfriend grow up in abusive situations? My guess is yes, because that is usually the only reason to think this kind of behavior is normal for either one of you.

 

Blondie

[samsungxoxo]

Anna

 

Did you or your boyfriend grow up in abusive situations? My guess is yes, because that is usually the only reason to think this kind of behavior is normal for either one of you.

 

Blondie

My father hit my mother on certain occasions (when she would verbally challenged him; basically it would only take bad words to get him angry but it's still no excuse for a man to lay his hands on a woman) and as a result instead of copying my mother and letting a man get away with hitting me, it had the opposite affect on me.

 

It made me feel nothing but absolute disgust (or vowed to leave him right away but not after it was follow it by a serious retaliatory response such as kicking him so hard to the point he can't get up) if a man ever lay his hands on me. Hence, the opposite affect can take place too.

 

It's like I don't have it in me to be weak nor develop high empathy for an abuser. Someone that tries to destroy my self-esteem, they would bad luck doing so. That would be like trying to bomb a place that's highly armed and will not hesitate to response back.

Edited March 29, 2013 by samsungxoxo

[geegirl]

Anna

 

Did you or your boyfriend grow up in abusive situations? My guess is yes, because that is usually the only reason to think this kind of behavior is normal for either one of you.

 

Blondie

 

My father used to beat the crap out of my mother and I, from the time I was a child till I was 20. I vowed never to go down that route nor will I tolerate a man putting his hands on me but my brother on the other hand has punched walls, smashed things, threatened violence although never actually laid his hands on anyone. So it can go both ways.

[LikeAnnaB]

my father NEVER hit my mother. I think his father may have hit his mother on several occasions, because he always talks about how he had to defend his mom from his dad. he never said whether verbally or physically....I never asked. it's not one of those things you pry about. I've never met his father. he moved away about 4 years ago. they still talk to him though. but he hasn't seen his father in 4 years.

[CudLRoo]

Wow, this is scary, first post terrified me, he snapped like bad dogs do. Jettison this weirdo quickly!!!!! Maybe the guy has got cannabis psychosis or something, I have to say that I have the odd spliff here and there (ie. now, after a very long and hard night shift!) but toking 24/7 is no-no, it's just wrong, seems it has brought the latent violent streak out in him,some guys get that, not every full-time toker turns into Bob Marley, in fact I'm certain 99.9% never do! Myself, when I used to do that, back in the day, I was more like Floyd from True Romance, total movie n' couch slug, lethargic waster

 

I have never and could never hit a woman, however, I have had to restrain one for fear of getting stabbed with a kitchen knife during one of her violent moodswings (nice!) but this did not entail any physical harm, nor was anger involved. Jeez, she was so drunk that night...

[amaysngrace]

Here likeAnna:

 

Abusive Relationships

[Els]

To be honest. I kind of think you all are making a bigger deal out of it than I think... And it's making me think twice and feel bad. He said he was sorry. And I'm pretty sure he won't do it again. If he does it again, then I'll leave him for sure...I just feel really alone and sad and confused right now.

 

...............................................................................:confused::confused::confused::confused::confused::confused:

[stillafool]

So he just called.. he was really surprised I picked up. I didn't say much on the phone. he kept on apologizing for attacking me. and said he gave me a day to calm down and thats why he didn't call to apologize earlier. he then said he felt really bad for attacking me out of nowhere when i wasn't expecting it. I just told him everything was fine and that I'll talk to him later. I dunno. I just feel really ****ty about myself right now. like he probably even thinks I'm a loser for still talking to him. I don't have the strength to walk away from him. and now I'm sure he knows that for sure. and it makes me feel worthless

 

When a man hits you and you quickly forgive him as you've done, you have opened the door for more abuse. You are teaching him that there are no repercussions for his actions. Expect more abuse from this guy. Never let any man no you are this desperate for his love.

[stillafool]

I chose my grad school based on him, so that we could be close together. I moved to his state so that the relationship could continue since he failed out of university and had to come back here to do community college. I don't know anyone or really have any friends. he's all that I have. the only person I spend my free time with. I really need him, and I can't afford to lose him right now. I know I sound stupid. But we've been together for a while and we really do love each other. I know deep down he really loves me too. A LOT. And it's pretty normal for a guy to lose their temper I've heard. I'm reading your comments and I'm starting to wonder if I really am crazy. I dunno. I feel like everyone has hit their wife or girlfriend at least once..Even though they may not admit it. it's really not his personality to get this angry. usually he's just like very nonchalant.. doesn't really care or get emotional. this wasn't really him.

 

First you are a grown woman and I'm sure you can meet people and make friends. Don't ever be so desperate to hold on to a man that you accept abuse from him to keep him.

 

I have been married for 19 years and my husband has never laid a hand on me in an abusive way. I never saw my father hit my Mom and they were married for 41 years. It is completely NOT normal for a man to hit his woman.

[Els]

First you are a grown woman and I'm sure you can meet people and make friends. Don't ever be so desperate to hold on to a man that you accept abuse from him to keep him.

 

I have been married for 19 years and my husband has never laid a hand on me in an abusive way. I never saw my father hit my Mom and they were married for 41 years. It is completely NOT normal for a man to hit his woman.

 

Quoted for truth.

 

I know this sounds horrible, but I really doubt the OP's veracity for several reasons.

[stillafool]

I just have to say I have a friend who allowed her bf then H to beat on her. When I saw her 20 years later she had aged terribly. He told her he would never hit her again also after the first time. 3 kids later it was still going on.

[Els]

I just have to say I have a friend who allowed her bf then H to beat on her. When I saw her 20 years later she had aged terribly. He told her he would never hit her again also after the first time. 3 kids later it was still going on.

 

Ugh. I guess I'm just hoping all of this isn't true. How can someone stay in a R like that? It's like purposefully choosing the worst possible combination of traits to put in a person... and there's still someone STAYING WITH HIM. Christ.

[Blondie1]

To be honest. I kind of think you all are making a bigger deal out of it than I think... And it's making me think twice and feel bad. He said he was sorry. And I'm pretty sure he won't do it again. If he does it again, then I'll leave him for sure...I just feel really alone and sad and confused right now.

 

He will do it again. It may not happen for weeks, months or even years, but now that he has given himself permission to assault you with no repercussions to him, it will absolutely happen.

 

Want to know whats going to happen until then?

 

He will switch up to verbally and emotionally abusing you. Hes already doing that anyway. When that stops making him feel powerful and in control of you/the relationship then he will hit you again.

 

From what you said he learned this from his father. It will not stop unless he gets professional help to break the cycle.

 

You do not care about yourself enough to protect yourself. You need to find out why.

 

You also dont care about him enough to require him to get the help he needs. Neither one of you should be in a relationship until you fix these things.

 

Blondie

[M30USA]

He will do it again. It may not happen for weeks, months or even years, but now that he has given himself permission to assault you with no repercussions to him, it will absolutely happen.

 

Want to know whats going to happen until then?

 

He will switch up to verbally and emotionally abusing you. Hes already doing that anyway. When that stops making him feel powerful and in control of you/the relationship then he will hit you again.

 

From what you said he learned this from his father. It will not stop unless he gets professional help to break the cycle.

 

You do not care about yourself enough to protect yourself. You need to find out why.

 

You also dont care about him enough to require him to get the help he needs. Neither one of you should be in a relationship until you fix these things.

 

Blondie

 

Agreed. I once heard a professional psychologist say that the driving force behind all kinds of abuse is the need for control. If they lose control (or perceive a loss in control) then they will take any means to regain that control. If a person can be subdued with intimidation, they will probably stop there. If not, physical abuse will be next. Don't feel bad abou ending relationships with such people, as they have exhibited by their behavior that CONTROL is more important to them than your well-being and happiness as a person. Sure, they may love you in their own messed up way, but don't for one second think they love YOU more than they do love CONTROL. You come second--at the absolute best. These people will have no equals. You will either learn your place second to them or there will not be a relationship. I will liken it to the Biblical "spirit of Jezebel" whose name literally means "without cohabitation". Their relationships are more akin to tyranny or dictatorship. If you ever set boundaries or stand up for yourself, do you think they will change? Highly, highly, highly unlikely. It's more likely they will find another person who will voluntarily play along with their tyranny. This is why such people often end up choosing ultra-nice, passive subjects who don't know any better.

Edited March 30, 2013 by M30USA

[nonymoose]

I specifically registered to respond to this thread!

 

I cant believe the responses of some of the hypocritic halfwits on this thread!

Both parties made bad choices, but she initiated the attack.

It would appear that she lost control and physically attacked him with the intention of doing harm. Did she expect him to just stand there and just take it? I could imagine he just got pissed off and then did the same thing she just did to him. Only she initiated it. If the scenario were captured on video and shown to a courtroom she should at least be considered for a charge of assault. I might advise that the boyfriend also submit a police report for battery and assault against her. Though it will probably go no where and be mocked since big strong men are not taken seriously when they are attacked by the fairer sex. So all you ladies want enlightened men who treat you with respect and equality? Door swings both ways ladies. As far as I am concerned she made all the wrong moves. She verbally and physically abused the guy. (who was stoned no less!) and then was terrified when after attacking somebody who was bigger and stronger than her they retaliated and she got her ass kicked. She had so many options available to her. She could have just left then broke up with his miserable self. OP dont get me wrong I have read your posts and I respect that you take responsibility for your role in the incident. My advice for you is that your Bf is in a rough spot and due to his actions of slacking and drug use he is currently somewhat of an undisciplined douchebag, sweet though he may have been once. He is the only person who can take responsibilty for the direction of his life and for now he is not good for a relationship. Separate from him and give him space to get his life in order if he can. Then maybe entertain going back if he is worthy. As for the mob of clucking hens screaming that he is an abusive animal that should get arrested and she has been so victimized. Get over yourself! You shout from the rooftops to end domestic violence against women. Same rule applies for men.

The days of shaming men for reporting women who commit physical violence are soon coming to an end.