Fear Of Being Alone Long Term

[MrCastle]

This is something that has been bothering me recently. I feel like a lot of people my age (25) are getting ready to settle down. A few of them are already living with their significant other, and those few that are single are looking for something long term.

 

If you follow my posts, you know I bounce back and forth between wanting to keep doing what I'm doing (multi dating) and finding a girl to settle down with.

 

The problem is, I believe that you should only settle down when you think you've found "the one."

 

I have never been in love in my life. This is weird to me, since I can't think of anyone my age who has hasn't been in love at least once. I need to wowed, I need to be knocked off my feet, in order for me to fall in love.

 

Sometimes I think I expect too much from women; my standards are too high. At the same time though, I only look for things in people that I have myself. A free spirit, like myself. A creative type, like myself. Drug free, like myself, etc. I exist, so wouldn't it also make sense that my female equivalent also exists?

 

But if it's not one thing, it's another. This is what I keep coming across:

 

1.) Physically my type, personality wise not my type

2.) Personality wise my type, physically not my type

3.) Both physically and personality wise my type, but taken

 

I can't see myself sacrificing one over the other or feel like I'm "settling". That's not fair to her or me. She needs to meet my physical and personal standards. That's the only way it can work.

 

I wouldn't mind not settling down until I'm in my early 30s or something, however, I realize most women my age want to settle down before then. I feel like if I keep up what I'm doing, I'm gonna be 32 with all the great women my age all tied up in relationships. Hell, it's happening now.

 

Like I've said many times though, you can improve your dating life, but you can't improve your chances of finding true love. It just happens. I mean it could happen tomorrow, or it could never happen.

 

I'm not sure what to do

[TouchedByViolet]

Like I've said many times though, you can improve your dating life, but you can't improve your chances of finding true love. It just happens. I mean it could happen tomorrow, or it could never happen.

 

If you believe what you write then you already have your answer... the question is when/if life presents you an opportunity will you choose to take it?

 

There are people who exist as perpetual bachelors and never get married. Some people also just want to date around their entire life after trying marriage(s). It is up to you to decide what you want and play the cards you are dealt.

[ThaWholigan]

As I always say, the key is acceptance. Accept that it may or may not happen and find the balance in learning to seize control and relinquishing it at the right time.

 

I have had much of the same concerns (albeit with less casual encounters), but have come to embrace and accept them. I have a purpose that extends beyond being in a relationship and I have had to accept that somewhat grudgingly in more ways than one. Now I'm happier than I've been before because I'm planning around it. I think that for you, it is harder because women are such a big part of your life. Maybe you have emotionally neglected other areas of your life as a result and are now feeling adrift due to the idea that one day you may not have a woman around. Perhaps I would look to that and see where else you can expand your life.

 

And don't worry about those great women. There are more of them than you think. Have faith .

[Eric.Bravery]

 

I have never been in love in my life. This is weird to me, since I can't think of anyone my age who has hasn't been in love at least once.

 

 

And when you fall in love, you'll know it.....boy will you know it. It's scary, fun, sensual makes ife a lot better, but....it can also be the hardest emotional roller coaster in your life in a bad way. I say tread lightly, live your young life and stop worrying about it right now. When it wants to happen, it will happen and it will blow you away. Until then....quit wasting your youth worrying about it so much and who cares if the rest of em, find it before you do.

[ErosOcean]

I'm afraid I might actually fall in love and get married.

 

Falling for a girl + marriage = annoying²

 

I'm in my mid twenties so I know there's a possibility that in the future it could happen. If it does, it will be really annoying. I hope my future self will read my journal warning to not get married.

[january2011]

In my peer group, those who settled down before their late 20s are all unhappily married/unhappily engaged/unhappily living together or divorced and back out there dating again.

 

I wouldn't worry about it. If you live in a major metropolitan city or move to one by your early 30s, you will probably have your pick of women.

[somedude81]

MrCastle, I know exactly how you feel.

 

Except about 100 times worse.

 

The only thing keeping you single, is you.

[Els]

Castle, your constant swinging from one extreme to another actually worries me. One day you're all 'no guy with options would ever consider an exclusive R' and the next you're all 'I'm 26 and I'm worried all the good women are already taken and I'll be forever alone!'. Not to mention that it keeps repeating ad infinitum. I mean, whoa, dude, calm down.

 

If you're genuinely interested in a LTR, what are you doing to make yourself good LTR material, as opposed to casual dating material? What are you doing to get to know girls who may also be into LTRs instead of casual sex?

[Vogeltron]

I am 25 as well. Most of those people getting married now will be divorced by 30-35 and starting all over again but in a crummy mess. If you are picky with women go out and talk to as many as you can. Not even for dating purposes but just in general. I will be honest, I use to be shy I didn't say anything to anyone. I had a friend who was crazy as **** kinda got me to be more open. You never know who you are going to meet. I once had this idea of my prefect girl how she looked and everything else. I started opening up to people of all walks of life and backgrounds and all of a sudden for the better dating girls I would have never though I would have in the past. Different backgrounds and everything. Also there is nothing wrong with especially going forward with dating women younger than you. I use to feel the same way. i have to date someone within this age group.. so close to where I am.. Bro just meet older women, younger ones, do not put yourself in a box until you fully know what is out there. There is nothing wrong with being 40 and being with a younger women or being 30 and being with an older woman. Just figure out what makes you happy. Because honestly we only get one life might as well do what we enjoy and be happy.

[youdunsay]

And when you fall in love, you'll know it.....boy will you know it. It's scary, fun, sensual makes ife a lot better, but....it can also be the hardest emotional roller coaster in your life in a bad way. I say tread lightly, live your young life and stop worrying about it right now. When it wants to happen, it will happen and it will blow you away. Until then....quit wasting your youth worrying about it so much and who cares if the rest of em, find it before you do.

 

How do you know? It is like sixth sense? Is it any different from a man falling in love and a woman falling in love?

[zebracolors]

hey Castle. I'm kind of on the same train myself, but it can even happen in the 30s. I don't want to be single for rest of my life, and many times I wish I could have the fun, sweet parts of a relationship. But then when I think of being in a relationship again, I get so afraid I'll feel trapped, and unsure if that is really what I'd want. But maybe that fear is always going to come with committing yourself to one person, whether the rship lasts 1 year or say, 9 years. So I guess I'm trying to convince myself not to worry, to let myself have fun dating, and if the right guy (for me) comes along wonderful, I hope he will have been worth the wait.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Castle sweetie, you sound just like me

[Roadkill007]

yea, love is pretty irrational. Honestly, the only thing you can do is keep meeting women, and hoping that you'll find someone who will knock the breath out of you.

 

I fear dying without having a love to share, and I do hope to raise some kids before, too. However, I'm not going to marry just to relieve my loneliness. If love doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. But if there's a chance of it happening, I want to make sure I'm prepared to grab the chance whenever and wherever I find it.

 

it's kind of the same approach I take with religion. I consider myself an agnostic because a being of a higher plane is irrational. Religion itself is a faith based thing, and I don't feel there's a way to ever know for sure whether a god does exist or not. Nevertheless, I frequently feel the fear of natural death : No more memories, no more thoughts, no more "me". I thus keep an open mind to religion, while making sure that no matter what I decide on, I don't decide on it simply because of the fear of natural death.

[ltjg45]

I would never thought I would see this post from MrCastle himself.

 

I'm also afraid of being single long term but I rather be single than date the women that is available to me right now.

 

They are not a catch at all.

 

So I'm focusing on just my job hunt and my education and then start looking for women afterwards. I'm sure I will find one eventually.

 

Also, another suggestion is to look internationally. I'm currently looking at Russian women in the meantime and they sound more like the kind of woman that you want to date i.e. tons of hobbies, very attractive, wanting a family, educated, etc etc. Sure, their English is not that great but they have no issues learning the language.

 

Something to keep in mind. Perhaps my best match is not here in the U.S. If that's the case, I'm willing to accept that.

[ffw]

Fear of being alone comes when you perpetuate of defining yourself by your relationships. I think you are focusing & emphasising too much on finding "the one" for you. Hope you don't believe in the "soul-mate concept".

 

When you look for the differences, you will find them. When you look for similarities, you will find them as well. When we spend time focusing on the differences, we begin to have thoughts about how different they are & we start to place others into all sorts of categories. Acceptance doesn't mean only similarities; it also means differences.

 

I think the key to understand that the human experience (love, pain, joy, sadeness,...) we share gives us more common than the different cicumstances we may be in. Understanding this can bring a lot closer to other people.

 

Once you find the greatest love, which is within you that empty feeling deep down will go away. Single way of life can be very liberating as well.

 

Hope it helps.

[Zulnex]

I am also afraid of ending up alone. These thoughts are crossing my mind quite often.

If it's not meant to be - I will accept that. As long as I know that I have tried my best to find the love of my life.

However, I will not marry and be in a relationship just to stop feeling lonely. I don't think that's fair to the other person.

I have recently read a quote: "A wrong relationship will make you feel more alone than when you were single."

For now, I am focusing on my career.

It will be a very tough pill to swallow, but if I am still single many years down the road, then so be it. Knowing that I tried my best and took the opportunities to meet new people - my heart and soul will be in peace.

[Archgirl]

I think you only want to settle down when you feel lonely. There are other ways to feel less lonely.

 

You can't work at meeting the right person babe. There is no advice anyone can give.

 

Except maybe work on being less guarded.

 

I think you'll find it will happen out of the blue when you least expect it, and there'a no point wasting time you could be using to have fun worrying about it.

 

 

And obvs, the simplest solution is to send me a plane ticket

[veggirl]

Castle apart from Elswyth's great points, I'd like to add that you constantly flirt with late 20somethings and 30somethings on this board who are single. So I don't know where you get that all the good women your age will be taken by the time you are 32. There are cool single women all over this board around that age.

 

Maybe you should take a break from casual sex, I don't see how you are ever going to find the LTR that you want while you are still being hit up on the regular by random chicks for sex. Its just a distraction.

[somedude81]

 

Maybe you should take a break from casual sex, I don't see how you are ever going to find the LTR that you want while you are still being hit up on the regular by random chicks for sex. Its just a distraction.

Sounds like the advice that somebody would give Charlie Harper.

[candie13]

Hum, interesting issue.

 

As I see it, there are a few things you need to be honest about:

- what you really want - are you realistic when it comes to your expectations?

- how do you go about getting it

- what are you willing to trade to get whatever it is that you want

 

Before getting into the above, let's get one thing clear. This is not simply about being afraid of ending up alone on the long term. You can always settle and accept someone by your side, in order to avoid "ending up all alone". It's not what you want . You want to meet someone special. That is your thing.

 

Which brings me to my short list:

A. what do you really want

 

I understand the intellectual and physical criteria, but since you were never "inlove" as you put it, I just wonder if you're not having this huge expectations as to how you'd feel when you meet the "special" girl. I am wondering if you're not drawing out of proportions the "blow" you're expecting to feel when meeting this "special girl", creating unrealistic expectations for how you'd feel and for the level of chemistry / excitement you're expecting to feel.

 

You will get there, you will feel the world rocking and flying and no weight in your knees, but that rarely happens after one date. You feel the attraction first, but usually, it gets better with time. You build that special feeling, it doesn't just appear out of thin air.

 

- secondly, the question is: how do you go about it

 

as some girls put it around here, one attracts what one is, not what one wants. If you live a certain type of lifestyle, partying hard and having ONS, chances are you will meet people who are in the same state of mind. Einstein said that it's irrational to keep on doing the same things the same way and expect different results.

 

So this means, you need to change something in your behavior, to make sure you meet someone who ticks your criteria. Base yourself on your hobbies and what you like. Instead of going clubbing, seek your hobbies more, cafes as opposed to bars, photography exhibits or whatever else you care for. Sometimes, changing your own state of mind is all that it's needed. But you need to acknowledge that you need to make some changes on your own behavior. And be ok with that.

 

- last, but not least: the famous "trade off". It is not absolutely necessary, but you need to accept that you might need to make some changes / sacrifices as to the way you currently live.

 

What I'm trying to say: go after something that you actually like instead of something that is an easy win (girl, sex, night, whatever). Talk to people who are an intellectual challenge. Despite your sensual nature, Mr.Castle, it might be possible for you to want to "fu*k" a brain, not just a body. So you might need to contain your hedonistic, sexual nature in the favor of something more mentally stimulating.

 

To resume, IMHO, you need to address the following things:

- your expectations as to what love is / feels like - you are human, the girl will also be human, hard to get that "out of this world" experience one ordinary day

 

- your behavior: stop doing the things you usually do to get girls

- what it is that you're seeking: control your sexual impulses in favor of a more mentally stimulating personality.

 

I think that the first dates you'll have with a girl that you'll actually find cool and have a good time with - instead of trying to reach for her panties straight away - you'll have that 'Eurika' moment.

 

Again, I may be completely off base, but from what I've read about you, that's what I think.

 

Cheers

[Archgirl]

Seriously guys? The reason he can't find a long term partner is because he's too good with women!?!

 

Yeah Castle it's totally that simple: just completely change who you are then you can finally settle down with someone who is a perfect match and loves you for who are

 

 

Everyone does realise that whatever we see here is just a part of a person right?

 

Honestly babe, just chill out, keep your eyes open and keep doing what you need to. It will all be fine.

Edited March 30, 2013 by Archgirl

[MrCastle]

Thanks for all the great posts you guys. It honestly does mean a lot to me that you guys care enough about me and my dating misadventures to craft well thought out posts. There are way too many things to quote and questions to answer so I will try my best to answer a few things.

 

First off all, I make a lot of jokes on here, about my sex life. Some of it is easy to spot and gets the bulk of people laughing, for others, they may not pick up on it. I am certainly not some ultimate female slayer who is bedding every woman I meet in public. If that is your perception of me, it is through no fault of my own that you think this but understand, I am not getting laid like a rockstar.

 

The problem I feel I have is that I have extraordinarily high standards. As said many times on here, the girl needs to "wow" me. As I stated in my initial post, there have been girls who wowed me physically, or personality wise, but never both. There have been a few rare occasions where a girl has met my standards for long term, but she either has a boyfriend, or in some cases, a husband.

 

I feel like I was put here to do great things. To serve the world on a large scale. To be somebody.

 

I wake up everyday with that in the back of my mind. That someday I will change the world.

 

My expectations for love are no different. I can't settle for a typical relationship, just like I can't settle for a typical life. I need the kind of love you only see in movies. Pure, raw, uninhibited love for another human being, both physically and personality wise. Until I get that "soul mate" feeling (yes, I believe in soul mates), I don't want to settle down.

 

My fear is I will end up alone eventually if no woman meets these standards. I fear I'm too proud to settle or compromise my positions so that puts me at either ending up completely alone, or ending up happily ever after with the love of my life. No room for in between.

[tuxedo cat]

Only read the first post but I'm actually not surprised you've never been in love. It is unusual but -- and don't take this the wrong way -- it fits with your personality.

 

You're too self preoccupied. All that image and self focus will kill the ability to love another person. In extreme form, it's narcissism.

 

I think even if you dated a girl who was both physically and personality-wise your type, you'd find fault with her. Why? Because you see others as reflections of yourself, so they need to live up to some unrealistic ideal. If you objectify people it will be impossible to love them.

 

To solve this problem you need to shift your focus away from yourself onto things that really matter

 

Sorry if that was harsh but I hope it helps.

[tuxedo cat]

Thanks for all the great posts you guys. It honestly does mean a lot to me that you guys care enough about me and my dating misadventures to craft well thought out posts. There are way too many things to quote and questions to answer so I will try my best to answer a few things.

 

First off all, I make a lot of jokes on here, about my sex life. Some of it is easy to spot and gets the bulk of people laughing, for others, they may not pick up on it. I am certainly not some ultimate female slayer who is bedding every woman I meet in public. If that is your perception of me, it is through no fault of my own that you think this but understand, I am not getting laid like a rockstar.

 

The problem I feel I have is that I have extraordinarily high standards. As said many times on here, the girl needs to "wow" me. As I stated in my initial post, there have been girls who wowed me physically, or personality wise, but never both. There have been a few rare occasions where a girl has met my standards for long term, but she either has a boyfriend, or in some cases, a husband.

 

I feel like I was put here to do great things. To serve the world on a large scale. To be somebody.

 

I wake up everyday with that in the back of my mind. That someday I will change the world.

 

My expectations for love are no different. I can't settle for a typical relationship, just like I can't settle for a typical life. I need the kind of love you only see in movies. Pure, raw, uninhibited love for another human being, both physically and personality wise. Until I get that "soul mate" feeling (yes, I believe in soul mates), I don't want to settle down.

 

My fear is I will end up alone eventually if no woman meets these standards. I fear I'm too proud to settle or compromise my positions so that puts me at either ending up completely alone, or ending up happily ever after with the love of my life. No room for in between.

 

This convinces me even more of my theory. You display a lot of narcissism here:

 

"I feel like I was put here to do great things. To serve the world on a large scale. To be somebody.

 

I wake up everyday with that in the back of my mind. That someday I will change the world."

 

That's a pretty grandiose statement.

[somedude81]

Castle sweetie, you sound just like me

After seeing MrCastle latest post, I second this notion.

 

Both Castle and Sunshine have no issue getting partners, but they only want to be with the highest quality of people.

 

The solution to their problem is simple. Raise yourself to be good enough for the partner you want but are unable to get now, or lower your standards and be happy with what you can get.

 

And don't forget that there are starving kids in India who can't get laid.